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Guest Sarahwr

Self hrm due to frustration.

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Guest Sarahwr

Recently I have self harmed due soley to my own frustration and my inability to change some things. For "change" maybe it should read "control".

It takes the form of banging my head against a wall or using an instrument to hurt myself.

When things really get on top of me and everything seems so futile I really do hurt myself.

I don't know what makes me do it only that it seems the right thing to do because there seems no alternative to what I am doing with my life.

I can be calm and relaxed and at ease with myself and my transitioning one minute but all of a sudden a thought about some aspect or other that I cannot control comes into my mind that it actually helps to hurt myself.

An example is my hair. I hate wearing a wig so I have been growing my hair. It is when I look in the mirror and I see the futility of it all that I feel so helpless.

At the least it takes my mind away from whatever thought makes me do it.

Luckily I haven't done it really hard for a week or so because things seem to be moving forwards for me.

This may not be what other people call self harming but hopefully might just help others understand why some of us feel the need to ease our frustration.

Best wishes and what ever you do be careful.

SarahW

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Guest cynthash

Aw sweetheart, please don't hurt yourself! :( We love you, and remember that any progress is still progress! Please stay safe... I don't know what else to say... :wub:

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Guest

Hello Sarah,

I am so sorry that you're experiencing these frustrations. Transition is so fraught with perils - it's difficult to avoid them all.

And, many of us are guilty of self-abuse on some level - dysphoria can make a person turn upon oneself in spite.

What can be done? Try to look at better choices? They do exist, seeking constructive solutions instead of self harm.

An example might be your hair: wigs are uncomfortable and can be so obviously fake. Several of the transwomen that I know never remove their hats, and have a wide selection to choose from. I won't ask what's under those hats - they look wonderful with them on. I did use a wig for a long time, having slow-growing hair. I've been letting mine grow for nearly two years, and it's finally starting to look full. it is slow, but the progress finally got there - please be patient with yourself!

I read an article that was titled "Self-Compassion". Compassion is a term that we all understand and are able to show towards others. But, we aren't taught to show ourselves the same. It's okay! You have pain - show yourself a bit of compassion - it's not easy being trans!

I do hope you can find better things to do. The choice is yours. Be kind to yourself, please?

Love, Megan

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Carolyn Marie

Sarah, I am so sorry that you've been feeling this way. I understand that so much of what we go through can be frustrating. But there are always, always, alternatives to hurting yourself.

As you probably know, I must wear a wig, most likely will forever. But if that is your fate, you can adjust to it. Many women do. I get compliments on my hair all the time, and many people don't know its a wig. If you can grow you hair out, all the better. None of this comes quickly, and patience is essential to success and to peace of mind.

When you are feeling this way, please log into Chat and tell a Mod there that you are in need of help. There is no shame in that, and they are wonderful and talking you through it. Or you can call 1-800-DONTCUT. Of course, you can come here and PM one of us or post like you have now. We care about you, hon.

Please take care of yourself.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest musicalice

Hey Sarah,

When I feel frustrated, I try to take a step back and sort through things. Sometimes there's something I can do right then that will help me on - so I do it. Other times, I just have to wait. Remember, if you're moving, however slowly, waiting still means you're travelling. And sometimes, staying put for a little while is the quickest way to Rome. Trust that.

Hope this helps. :)

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Guest Amethyst_Redemption

Yeah, frustration, hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness... These are all reasons -I- have SI'ed. I have done it so many ways to. I used to look into the mirror and see someone who would -never- pass. I hated that feeling. I also hated that I had cut my fairly long hair with head clippers right before my revelation. I was so angry at myself and the world. Sometimes seeing myself bleed was the only release I had.

The thing is, it gets better. You don't notice any change because you are there and see it every day. It is rough, especially if you have curly hair. But the changes are happening. It never comes fast enough, but it comes, consistantly and relentlessly. You -are- making it.

April

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