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angels wings

Not long found out

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angels wings   
angels wings

Hello im new to this i am married to a wonderful person i lov him dearly we have been married for over 17 yrs and end of last yr he told me . Pl excuse the pronouns as im new to this . I have been through so many feelings . Its hard to understand i want to be happy that he is going to do what he feels is right but im scared and i dont understand the feelings im going through . I want to learn to support him and be his best friend like we always have been i could not imagine my life away from the person i luv the most. I would luv others who are in the same position to please give me advice on how u handled it all i want to learn i need to understand i know fear of the unknown is the worst. Thank you for letting me write lookin forward to a reply .

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Guest Ney'ite   
Guest Ney'ite

First and foremost, welcome to the forums, and I am sure the forum is very proud of you to open yourself up here and share your situation. That is a big step.

These are just my thoughts from my own personal experience.

The feelings you are going through are ok - it is not your fault, in fact, it is no one's fault. You are by *far* not alone. In fact, I am the one who transitioned and I was also married for 17+ years. She has gone through so many emotions, and you have to believe that it is ok to feel what you are feeling.

This process has been likened to someone experiencing the death of a spouse. They are still the same person inside, but just that they are aligning their exterior to match their interior. It is not a choice on your other half's part, any more than it is a choice that you are right- or left-handed...it is just something you are.

For me, I have been transitioning over the course of 2 years now (2-year mark 12/2011). The best thing either of you can do is keep communication lines open. You will most likely find both of you coming to little compromises along the way, though they themselves may very well be modified over time.

I am sure you are experiencing, or perhaps will, feelings of denial (this is just a phase), feelings of enormous anger and betrayal (how could they do this to us, especially after 17 years!?), possibly even rejection (I did NOT sign up for this - I am NOT gay!). You may also find yourself consciously (or even subconsciously) disconnecting yourself. Again, please try to keep communication lines open.

This type of situation can and *does* survive transition. You may find yourself ok with it and remain married (I will not attempt to pull the wool over your eyes, this is rather rare), you may find yourself ok with it but not able to stay married (there is NOTHING wrong with this, it is NO one's fault - if you are not able to accept being with another woman, it is not wrong of you), or you may find it not quite go so well (hopefully this is not the case).

I do not wish to scare you, but simply share reality. Your other half is also going through an inordinate amount of emotions as well . . . transitioning sadly carries a high suicide rate (again, I am not insinuating *anything* - just a hard cold fact). The fact remains that everyone involved with the person who is transitioning, must also transition with them, or (hopefully not) back away.

Beyond this, a Gender Therapist would be a very good place to start - they can help *both* of you sort feelings out.

Also, the chat rooms in here have a wide variety of people with all sorts of different (and smimilar) situations as yourself, and you may find them quite helpful.

Please keep us posted if you wish?

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Amanda Whyte   
Amanda Whyte

K_J, you are definately welcome here. You will find many different experiences from many different people. I am new to this too, had my first GT appointment last month.

Hugz,

Mandy

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angels wings   
angels wings

Hi ladies thx for ur reply im learning more each day im thankful for this site as ive been on many others and thy r all so negative and so depressing . Im glad Lauras site is the oppisite as we travel this journey together i know i will grow with my partner and reach new levels of happiness. Im glad i can come here and ask ? We r going to see a physc soon to start blockers for those who did start on blockers what were the mental and physical changes u experienced . Sorry but if its ok i would like to ask ? As each step appears . Ur support is very much appreciated thank u

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Amanda Whyte   
Amanda Whyte

They will be happy to let you know. I havent got to that stage yet but am curious to read the answers.

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Guest Ney'ite   
Guest Ney'ite

First and formost, as most everyone here will probably agree: YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary. Genetics play a huge role in everything, so you never know exactly *what* to expect until it happens. "One day at a time" is probably a safe philosophy to consider.

Mental

For me, "blockers" (or simply HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy) slowly over time, reduce that testosterone aggression that is so common in males. Many say they are much more relaxed, and that was the same with me. HRT can have an effect of allowing one to finally explore their true inner feelings without having limitations imposed by (initially) society . . . limitations that we often adopt as our own and self-impose.

Think back to when you were just coming into puberty with emotions running all over the place. One minute happy, the next minute bawling your eyes out. Yes, this is an extreme, but not unheard of by any means. Your partner will probably experience similar things as any normal teen girl does with regards to emotions (physical I will talk about after). For me, if I hurt myself or someone yells at me, I have to fight the urge to want to just slump to the floor bawling my eyes out in a sitting fetal position. For some, including me, thought patterns can change as well. I find myself thinking of a million things all at once (which now I understand why men think we are ditzy - it is not because we are, it is because we are thinking of a gazillion things at once planning for this analyzing that etc).

Physical

Hehe - well, that can go just about anywhere. Most commonly, though, skin softens and becomes more translucent. Body hair often lessens in many body areas or even disappears altogether. Scent can change, too. I know for me, I no longer sweat much and if I do, it is virtually unnoticeable. Breast growth is another common physical features. How big, again, determined by genetics, but many suggest going by other close family women and perhaps a size or two smaller than them. Facial hair, not much other than maybe soften it, most will opt for Electrology or Laser to remove facial hair. Physical strength you can pretty much kiss the old male strength goodbye as estrogen just does not support massive muscle growth. Fat redistribution can over time move towards the hips and other areas where women commonly have it, including the face as well, often giving a more rounded face. Bone structure, no, HRT will not do a thing for physical structure, so if you are 6'-1" as an example, that will not change much at all. But like most natal women, fighting for every blasted pound to lose is pretty typical.

These are just some common things that happen, but understand there are no set timelines - everyone is different and our genetics are all different.

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angels wings   
angels wings

Thx girls . So can u clarify something for me pl. dont u start on blockers first to reduce the testerone?and do blockers alone have any affects .with physical how long roughly till u see changes that r obious?i thought u went on blockers first ?thx

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Guest Ney'ite   
Guest Ney'ite

Blockers only block one hormone (in this case, testosterone). That will not produce much of anything physical. We all have the same receptors inside of us and they respond differently dependent upon which hormone they receive. If they receive estrogen, those things I mentioned previously start to happen. If they receive testosterone, then the common "male" characteristics will start to happen (like voice deepening, facial hair, muscle mass, etc).

My understanding of ones being on blockers only are typically children / teens, until they reach 18 or something, but I have very limited knowledge of that arena.

I personally do not know of anyone as an adult who has started blockers only as there would be little if any of the physical effects you are referring to only a hormone would be able to accomplish that.

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Guest Ney'ite   
Guest Ney'ite

Part II: To answer your second part

...

...with physical how long roughly till u see changes that r obious?

...

This is where nearly 100% of everyone would say YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary). It is dependent upon ones genetics. The only thin any of us can do is share our personal time line but it would *not* be any sort of a guage.

For me, I started HRT (blockers and estrogen) at half dosage (please do not ask for any dosage amounts as that is personal and would be flagged anyway as it is against forum rules for safety reasons) on 12/24/2009 for the 1st week only, and by 1/21/2010, just 3 weeks, my chest was SUPER sensative to even the slightest touch and EXTREMELY sore and stayed this way for MONTHS (omg it seemed like forever!). Within a month my partner said my scent had changed. Within 5 weeks my skin started noticeably getting softer and more translucent. After maybe 3 or 4 months, body hair started to change (I never had a lot anyway).

At about 16½ months I finally heard my last "Sir / he / him" from strangers (*very* rarely a long-time friend will oops but usually correct themselves, but at the point I am at now, they are the ones who get the puzzled looks like they need glasses - hehe) and have not been misgendered since in person or on the phone.

I cannot stress this enough, however, that this is ONLY my experience personally. Everyone is different and timelines are different and even goals are different. So, YMMV YMMV YMMV YMMV . . . . . .

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angels wings   
angels wings

Thank you so much for ur answers

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