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Guest Ms French

Swallowing a watermelon

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That's the best way to describe how I felt when my 16 year old daughter told me via email that she is transgender and wants to transition to live life as a transman.

She came out as a lesbian a few years ago, and i hardly blinked then... I have a few gay and lesbian friends and I consider myself to be a fair and non-judgemental person - iw was all good. My husband, being a more conservative Italian Catholic took a bit longer to accept it, he kept thinking she would just 'meet a nice boy and it would all go away! I think this year he finally came to understand that wasn't going to happen. And now this.

I am trying to be supportive and help her find an appropriate therapist, but we live in a regional area of Queensland, Australia, and the closest service I can find is in Brisbane, about 3 1/2 hr drive away. There is a counselling service for GLBT youth and families about an hr and a half away - think we will have to start there.

I'm so scared. Scared about the treatment she wants to start and the irreversible effects on her body; scared of the surgeries she is already planning (mastectomies and hysterectomy); scared of how our extended family will cope with the news; scared that she will face ridicule, discrimination, violence... where we live is not that different to the deep south, conservative and redneck... scared she will never find a partner and love; a whole heap of things reaaly, racing through my mind and even my dreams....

On the other hand, I also know what the effects are for someone trying to repress who they are and how they felt, and im much more scared about that than anything else.

I will continue to support her through this, but this is going to take some to process myself. I have cried my eyes out am couple of time, grieving the loss of my little girl, and wondering how long it will take to understand my new son.

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Ms. French, welcome to Laura's. My heart goes out to you and your son. From what I know and hear, all of your fears and concerns are rational. The grieving is a known part of this too. Thank you for supporting your son in this way.

Hugz,

Mandy

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That's the best way to describe how I felt when my 16 year old daughter told me via email that she is transgender and wants to transition to live life as a transman.

I work with young people - including people your 'daughter's' age - I will switch pronouns here as that is how we work - this is a real experience for him, and for you. And for both of you... well... it is terrifying. I know all that because - like I say - I work with all those young people. Male to Female, Female to Malle, and some you may not have heard about, the Gender Varient (Both or Neither Gender expressing).

She came out as a lesbian a few years ago, and i hardly blinked then... I have a few gay and lesbian friends and I consider myself to be a fair and non-judgemental person - iw was all good. My husband, being a more conservative Italian Catholic took a bit longer to accept it, he kept thinking she would just 'meet a nice boy and it would all go away! I think this year he finally came to understand that wasn't going to happen. And now this.

I won't go away. I too am transsexual and I fought it for 50+ years. It never went away. Apparently we are born this way. Our brain chemistry was set contrary to our body chemistry in the womb. And being a gay person may be a similar medical situation - nobody knows. But we transgender are all about GENDER. Sexual orientation is a very minor part of it. Think of it this way - you 'daughter' has always had a male mindset. Of course he is not attracted to guys -they are just like he is in their collective ways.

I am trying to be supportive and help her find an appropriate therapist, but we live in a regional area of Queensland, Australia, and the closest service I can find is in Brisbane, about 3 1/2 hr drive away. There is a counselling service for GLBT youth and families about an hr and a half away - think we will have to start there.

That seems workable - it is very important to get some theraphy assistance with this - and that should include you and your husband.

I'm so scared. Scared about the treatment she wants to start and the irreversible effects on her body; scared of the surgeries she is already planning (mastectomies and hysterectomy); scared of how our extended family will cope with the news; scared that she will face ridicule, discrimination, violence... where we live is not that different to the deep south, conservative and redneck... scared she will never find a partner and love; a whole heap of things reaaly, racing through my mind and even my dreams....

It is scary - that is why theraphy is so important. Everyone needs to know exactly what every action entails.

The extended family? His condition is just that, a condition. He needs to find resolution, a confort zone. The family needs to be educated on what Transsexuality is. There is an excellent book on this,True Selves, which might help.

I live in the deep south in the USA - and you will find there is not going to be that much bigotry, not from the 'rednecks'. Most bigotry will come from the so called Christians who will say this is an abomination of God's Will. Actually your son was made this way by God, for some reason, and it might take a lifetime to understand why. PLUS - female to male transition is considered an 'upgrade' in the redneck community, sad to say. He will be fine.

He will find a partner. We usually do. And understand the generation he is in is the most tolerant onr yet. What would your parent's generation have said about this?

And yes - questions - questions - questions. Therpists help with that, but also support groups. That is why we think it is good you came to us. We will work with you on this - I firmly believe you need to know you are not alone with this - and that is so very important.

On the other hand, I also know what the effects are for someone trying to repress who they are and how they felt, and im much more scared about that than anything else.

I think he will be alright - he came to you early with this. He has your love. Actually he is so fortunate to have you - I applaud you in this.

I will continue to support her through this, but this is going to take some to process myself. I have cried my eyes out am couple of time, grieving the loss of my little girl, and wondering how long it will take to understand my new son.

Grin I think all parents feel that way at first! He is exactly the same as he has always been and he is still going to be a bit dual natured for a long time. You are really in for a treat as he will show you how much happier he is as his true self.

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Ms French,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. You are not alone here, there are many parents of TG children here who have been through the same things that you are just now imagining. Most find that their fears are greatly exaggerated and that in actual experience most of the stress is really between our own ears, so to speak.

Thanks for being supportive of your transgendered child. Every time somebody does the right thing the 'wrong thing' becomes that much less fashionable. Bless you on your journey of discovery with your child. He needs you more than you may realize..

Love, Svenna

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hi Ms French,

thanks for sharing the way you are feeling and for supporting your son.

Im 16 years old and have been out to my Mum for a couple of months now and she won't talk about the subject.

Your son needs all the support he can get even if it means jus sitting down and talking with you.

I wrote a letter to my Mum to atleast have some communication with her, it gives you time to think about what you want to say.

If you ever want to chat just PM me.

Good luck :thumbsup:

Kal

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Hello, from another mother of a ftm (female to male) child. We have so many things in common; things that I'm sure neither one of us could have ever dreamed about even a year ago. You can read my story under the "Boy, do I need some advice" thread.

I too have cried my eyes out for months with the thoughts of losing my daughter. But as time is going by, I am finding that I was crying for many things that I am not actually going to be losing. It's the fear of all the unknowns that are so hard. I have spent many hours reading books and on this website and have learned a lot about my child's condition. It helps me considerably to realise that it is a medical condition, a birth defect of sorts, that he has. It is not a phase, a whim, or something that he thought would be cool to try out. Looking back over his life, I can think of dozens of signs now, but of course the thought of him being transgendered wasn't even on my radar.

It is a hard diagnosis to be handed, but there is help out there. And right now small steps are all we can manage. Kael is still presenting as female at his job and to people that already know him, but is excited to be finally seeing a gender therapist that has helped dozens of other kids get through this.

Please join me in the Parent Chat on Thursday evenings. I need the support of other parents and hopefully I can help someone else by sharing too.

Take a deep breath and try not to think too far into the future. It will be okay.

Mittens

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Thanks so much for the supportive responses. I'm at work, on my lunch break and thought I would check in and see if my post was up. I'd love to join the chat sometime, but will have to work out the time difference.

I expect to visit here a lot :-)

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Hi Ms. French,

Welcome to Laura's! As you probably already know, this is a wonderful site to get support and to learn! You are on the beginning of a new journey which many of us have either just begun or are in the middle of it, and of course, those who are now 'graduated' and watching their child living their dream.

I will say for me, I, too, cried my eyes out in the beginning - big time! I cried every day and I would wake up in the middle of the night and begin crying again and I couldn't seem to control it! I never, ever dreamed I would have made it this far! There seems to be quite a few phases that us Moms go through to make progress. I read somewhere transitioning isn't for the faint of heart, and that goes for your child and your whole family. It takes courage and fortitude because this is unknown territory and it isn't like you can talk with your friends and compare notes - we are kind of on our own, and that is one reason Laura's is so helpful, and of course, a gender counselor is a must!. Sometimes you will need to take 1 day at a time, sometimes 1 minute at a time. If you look at the whole picture, it is too overwhelming, so try not to do that right now. You will get through this.

My child is M2F and finally I am beginning to now see her develop into a beautiful girl. I can't believe I am saying this, but I don't even think of her as male anymore! I was looking at some old pictures the other day, and, yes, I felt sad. I felt sad because what could have been and what should have been IS sad. But, it is what it is and she is alive, happier and going to be successful and make a difference in this world. She will have struggles and not everyday will be easy. How wonderful it is that your child came out to you at a young age!!! You will be able to do so much for him to help him be successful in all of this! We get put on paths we don't choose, and we have to go down them - and he needs you to hold his hand! Good luck and always know in your heart that you are a wonderful and supportive mother!

Joyful Mama

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Well, this afternoon I spent hours phoning various agencies trying to find a qualified therapist / counselor or support group for my child - only to hit brick walls every step of the way. The one service that I thought was an hour and a half away, doesn't exist anymore :(

So far, the only thing I have found is a support group about 2 1/2 hrs away. And the clinic in Brisbane.

Very frustrating! Did find some really good information on the net though, and ordered a book on F2M transitioning in Australia. Plenty of reading to do.

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I know it is pretty far but the support group might be able to help you with finding a counselor. If they have a website or contact list, either phone or email, you might not have to travel there to get the information.

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hi Ms French,

thanks for sharing the way you are feeling and for supporting your son.

Im 16 years old and have been out to my Mum for a couple of months now and she won't talk about the subject.

Your son needs all the support he can get even if it means jus sitting down and talking with you.

I wrote a letter to my Mum to atleast have some communication with her, it gives you time to think about what you want to say.

If you ever want to chat just PM me.

Good luck :thumbsup:

Kal

Hey Kal, thanks for that! Another Aussie! I'm sorry that your Mum won't talk about it with you, it is a hard thing tyo digest though, maybe she needs some more tîme? Maybe you could give her some information to read, I know knowledge is power and ignorance breeds fear.

I am going to keep the lines of communication open and tonight we are planning on taking a walk and doing some more talking.

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Oh what a roller-coaster of a week! I have spent lots of time talking to my child through the past week - we have talked and talked about lots of things. With her permission, I have told my husband and 14 y/o son about what is happening. Neither of them can understand it at all. My husband said similar things to when she came out as a lesbian... 'she will grow out of it'; 'it's just a phase she is going through'; 'she just needs to meet someone that will love her and accept her for who she is' - my son said 'that is just stupid' and 'she will always be my sister, no matter what'. We will work on those two...

During our talks she told me that she wants to have a breast reduction, not necessarily a mastectomy - she has always wanted a reduction, ever since she developed giant-sized breasts as a 12 y/o. She says she doesn't want any surgery on her genitals - but knows if she takes hormones that a hysterectomy is recommended. She says she has thought about having sex with a boy, to see what it's like - but then she thinks 'yuck'.

I had a very down day yesterday - we went out for the day and met up with one of her old friends she has had since she was about 12 y/o (he lives in the next city). He is gay and also often wears feminine clothing / accessories. My daughter is so relaxed with him (she says he has been very supportive of her with this) and it was great to see her laughing. But then I got thinking things I shouldn't think - like has his sexuality and gender expression somehow influenced her? Has my very acceptance of diversity influenced her? Is she seeking something from me as a parent that she didn't get as herself???

I came home and looked at photos of her as a child, an early adolescent and just recently... at photos of my beautiful daughter. And I got upset and angry. I KNOW this is her life and she is almost an adult, but I DON'T WANT HER TO DO THIS! I can't help how I feel, I want her to STAY AS SHE IS! I feel like I have not had anywhere near enough time to process the concept of F2M, and it's like running alongside a speeding train and I CAN'T KEEP UP with it.. I feel like I'm going to drop from exhaustion and she will leave me behind... disappearing around the bend, and I will be lying broken and bleeding by the side of the tracks, with only the memory of my daugher to keep me company.

I know that sounds dramatic - I re-read what I have written and it makes me cringe with the drama of it. But I need to express how I'm feeling as I'm going through this...

So far, we have not been able to find any therapy / counselling close by - the service that I thought was an hour and a half away doesn't exist anymore. I have a gay colleague whose partner is a psychologist - I spoke to him on Friday and he is going to ask his partner if there are any trans-friendly psychs or counsellors in our area. Hopefully I'll have some more information today. I know we both need to talk to someone. I've been thinking I might access a psych through work (I can access four sessions for free, doesn't have to be about work issues) - but I worry that person is not going to be knowledgeable about this and it might make it worse for me...

Sorry folks if I've offended anyone with my thoughts - I need to express them to work it out in my own head...

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Ms French, I don't think that you're being offensive. You're being a Parent. And as parents we all have hopes, wishes and desires for our children. When my son took off from San Diego to go to Ohio for college and to be with his girlfriend (they met via the internet) I felt cheated. I had no input on that decision, he had discussed this with my wife and made his choice prior to me being involved.

I felt as if I had been robbed. I wasn't done raising him yet. I still had things planned that (in my mind) we'd do once they had moved to Seattle. It just didn't turn out to be the way I'd wanted it in my mind and that didn't sit too well with me. But it's his life so I didn't say anything. Well now he's back in San Diego, they're probably moving late this coming summer but it won't be exactly the same.

I understand how you're feeling. And I sincerely hope that either the train slows down or you get faster running shoes...

Gabby

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Hang on, Ms French!

Just take a little piece of it at a time, slowly but surely, and the pieces will fall into place...

Your feelings seem perfectly natural to me, nobody can tell you how you should feel, either. Though inevitably, we all may need to grow more than even we realize to survive these immense changes...

Anytime you need to vent, let it all out. We are all only human here. It is your right to feel your loss...

Love and Empathy, Svenna

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I'm hanging on... just.

Another bad night last night - after an innocent question on my behalf. I bought a book from F2M Australia regarding transitioning and I was having a look through it. There was a definition for transexual vs transgender that I had not seen before, so I commented on it - it basically said that transgendered people want to change their gender, while transexual people want to correct their biological body to be the right gender that they know innately that they are and have always been. It also made a distinction that transexual people basically want the full surgical / hormonal options and transgender often don't.

Anyway, when I commented that this was different to what I had read so far, I was the worst person in the world, because apparently I'm being dismissive and just don't understand and never will. We ended up in tears in separate rooms - I said that I'm trying so hard to understand this, learn about it, process it, and that it WILL take time, and maybe I'll get things wrong and say the wrong things, but I'm doing my best, I love her with all my heart and only want to help her and for her to be happy...

Still no joy with locating a local person to talk to. When I suggested phone counselling again she got angry because she doesn't want to do that - she also doesn't want to talk to her previous counsellor (she won't understand) and is angry that we will likely have to travel to talk to someone that DOES understand. Actually, she is angry about everything lately :(

My eyes are still burning this morning from crying. But today is a new day. Maybe it will be the day that we find someone for her to talk to.

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Ms French,

You are doing fine. It is inevitable that you will inadvertently say things that upset your child. These can be times of emotional division, but they can lead to times of healing and mutual respect. Both you and your child are now operating outside your comfort zones, things are going to feel very raw and overly 'real' for quite some time. This seems to be par for the course...

Again, your resolve to see this thing through will ultimately win the day. These are terrifying times, but also these are opportunities to share our humanity in the most intimate way. Your child needs you and you need your child. Together, you can set this thing right..

Bless you for trying so hard!

Love, Svenna

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Ms. French,

You are doing a great job!! It is so hard for parents in the beginning. It will get better. I hope you can find a therapist, I know you are trying. Maybe you could skype with one if there isn't one close enough to see in person?

You are dealing with A LOT all at once and you are dealing with it alone. I think that is pretty typical, it was like that for me too.

Is your child a teenager? If so, remember they are probably experiencing teenage angst as well as confusion over gender.

Take one day at a time. Remember there are other parents who have gone through what you are going through. Be good to yourself. Remember you are only human and you are doing the best you can. You are a fabulous mother for trying so hard to make things right for your child. Venting here is healthy and we understand.

PM me if you want.

Love,

Twinstar

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Oh, Sweetie, I can feel your frustration and stress. It's been the most difficult thing that I've had to go through, but we're having more better days than bad days lately, so I know you will too.

Kael had been seeing a regular therapist off and on for a couple of years, but we knew we needed a gender therapist. So we traveled over two hours away to see a therapist we had believed to be a specialist in gender therapy, only to find that she had actually only counseled a handful of gender conflicted people. After four visits, Kael decided she was a nice lady, but not all that helpful as she said she didn't feel qualified to write letters of recommendation for hormones for her patients. We had heard the recommendation for Skyping with a counselor on the internet, but I was hesitant. I now think it was a brilliant suggestion. We found a lady several states away that is a known specialist in this area who agreed to see Kael on either a monthly or bi-monthly basis. She has a regular office with clients that come in to see her, but offers the Skype service to people like us who aren't so lucky to have someone like her in our area. I sat in on the first session, and it was a great relief to see and speak with her and get many of my questions answered. I don't think that just a telephone session would have been satisfying; It truly felt almost like we were in her office because we had the body language and "face to face" feedback. She said I was welcome to join them at any time, but I felt fine with just Kael and her talking in the second meeting.

Best of luck to you in your search. I know just how hard it is to be supportive while your heart is hurting every step of the way. Keep in mind that baby steps are still steps.

Mittens

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We had heard the recommendation for Skyping with a counselor on the internet, but I was hesitant. I now think it was a brilliant suggestion. We found a lady several states away that is a known specialist in this area who agreed to see Kael on either a monthly or bi-monthly basis. She has a regular office with clients that come in to see her, but offers the Skype service to people like us who aren't so lucky to have someone like her in our area. I sat in on the first session, and it was a great relief to see and speak with her and get many of my questions answered. I don't think that just a telephone session would have been satisfying; It truly felt almost like we were in her office because we had the body language and "face to face" feedback. She said I was welcome to join them at any time, but I felt fine with just Kael and her talking in the second meeting.

Mittens

Mittens,

I think you were smart to go with the Skype sessions. Many transfolk find themselves stuck in the middle of nowhere with no apparent place to turn. This option seems like a Godsend to such people, in my opinion...

Thanks for being an honest help to Kael (and Ms French). It really does take a village..

Love and Support, Svenna

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I came home and looked at photos of her as a child, an early adolescent and just recently... at photos of my beautiful daughter. And I got upset and angry. I KNOW this is her life and she is almost an adult, but I DON'T WANT HER TO DO THIS! I can't help how I feel, I want her to STAY AS SHE IS! I feel like I have not had anywhere near enough time to process the concept of F2M, and it's like running alongside a speeding train and I CAN'T KEEP UP with it.. I feel like I'm going to drop from exhaustion and she will leave me behind... disappearing around the bend, and I will be lying broken and bleeding by the side of the tracks, with only the memory of my daugher to keep me company.

Hi Ms. French,

You totally put into words how I feel on and off. My child FtM turned 19 yesterday and although I got through the visit (had to visit him at college since he couldn't come home), I totally fell apart when I got back home. While I have come to be able to 'feel' when a bad time is coming on, this just knocked me off my feet. While driving home, without warning, the thought screamed through my head "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!!!" I think what you're feeling is totally normal.

I just never thought it would be this hard. I seem to be the person who sets my son off- I can say something that totally innocent and I'm accused of not being supportive and if I react emotionally at all (It's sort of hard to remove emotion when your child starts screaming), then he says that he can't function when I'm upset like this and he can't handle me being mad. No one else seems to set him off like I do. It has made our relationship strained because I refuse to just tell him what he wants to hear just to make him happy.

There are many wonderful supportive people here and I'm glad you found this website. I know it has helped to know I'm not alone.

Kat

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Anger is part of this - anger from you and anger from him. It's a matter of time passing and working to the point where both of you just let it be. He would like your understanding but really really needs your support. I am fully diagnosed as transsexual and have opted to transition. I live full time in New Orleans and have been accepted as what I am, female, by everyone I meet. Only a chosen few know I am a transitioned woman. I select those to tell, I know ahead of time who will accept and support me.

BUT

Only a very very few understand me. Most all of those who understand me. are also transgender or transsexual. I always tell those transpeople staring this journey to NOT try to explain, hoping for understanding, but rather to try to explain hoping for support.

You daughter has always been the same person he is now - he is a female bodied male. He will strive to find a comfort level. He may do something rather permanent, of a hundred possibilities. He wants you with him - even if you both get so angry all the time. He needs your support as he cannot ever go back to what was before, as it's just not possible for us to go back once the genie is out of the bottle.

AND

Please. This is so scary for him. He needs you now.

Lizzie

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Hey everyone, thanks for the continued support. Just reading through some of the threads here is helpful.

I'm really worried about my child. He has now come out at school and is facing the taunts I feared would come. Even the teachers are ignorant about trans issues, some have been more supportive than others. He chose a new name and some teachers are using it. He is allowed to use the unisex teachers toilets.

Since then things have gone downhill. He is taking days off, staying up all night, can't sleep, anxious and sad, crying and angry, frustrated that coming out has not been great. I found a LGBT friendly GP, but he is refusing to go and get a referral to a psych whohas been recommended.

He has stopped exercising, stopped doing everything really, just sits at home on the net. Yesterday I force the issue and told him im making an appointment with his previous mental health clinician who he saw for an anxiety disorder in 2010-2011, and today I left a message for her to call me back with an appointment. At least he knows her and felt comfortable with her in the past. I also sent her some info I was given for health practitioners working with trans people, so hopefully she will have a read first... I just know that my son is feeling very vulnerable and alone right now and i want to wrap him in cotton wool and stop all his pain... but I can't, and that feels like crap.

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Ms French,

I am sorry to hear that your son is down in the dumps and overcome with stress.

Perhaps your son would feel okay about talking with a real gender therapist more than a regular mental health care professional. Almost all trans-folk can tell you about how regular therapists and psychiatrists hurt them more than they helped. It is no wonder, most regular therapist just don't know anything about us scientifically or from personal experience...

There are some real gender therapists that do Skype or phone sessions listed on another page of this site..

I can't stress enough how much a real gender therapist can smooth the rough spots and give the advice and guidance that we trans folk need...

Best to both of you as you work through this. There is no turning back, he is out and on his way. Nobody says this road is easy or loss-free, but we must travel it anyway, regardless...

Love, Svenna

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I'm in Australia Svenna, not sure how I could access a therapist overseas? He has seen his previous counsellor now (she is a clinical social worker) and although she knows very little about transgender issues, she is a wonderful therapist and certainly validated my son's feelings. She has promised to get in contact with a child psychiatrist that she knows in Brisbane and hopefully find a suitable psychiatrist for her in the city. Of course, that will mean travel of 4 hrs each way to see someone - which is going to be a challenge given I work full-time and he is at school.

Since talking to the counsellor he seems a little happier - I guess just getting it out there to a mental health professional has helped to some degree.

I've been thinking a lot and feel I am more calm and not so emotional about this (this week anyway!). But I'm still having grave doubts - I can't help but think back to last year - just for some background my child has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and was seeing a counsellor with child and youth mental health for about a year - anyway, last year he was convinced he had a brain tumor. He found all kinds of symptoms that 'matched' with having a brain tumor, googled medical sites etc, and went to see doctors wanting an MRI - which of course they wouldn't do. This went on for about four months, where he was absolutely convinced he was dying from a brain tumor.

I guess my worry now is that this is something similar. That he has learned about transgender and convinced himself that this is what he is. That he has again latched on to different feelings and after googling, found that this points to transgender and so therefore he must be. The scary part of that of course is that if this is the anxiety driving him, and this later resolves itself, that some of the steps he is taking are hard to undo - ie: changing names / hormone therapy etc. I guess I'm hoping that whatever therapist he ends up seeing will (of course) have a knowledge of anxiety disorders as well and be able to help my child understand what is what here - whether it is a manifestation of the anxiety disorder or whether he really is transgender.

Please don't think that I'm trying to find an 'out' for this - it's not that I don't believe my child, it's that as a parent I want to be sure that what I'm doing in supporting my child on this journey, is the right thing for him. As a parent it is still my job to guide and protect my child - even though he is 16, he is still my child.

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Ms. French,

There are trained gender therapists that do sessions via the internet with Skype and similar programs...

There isn't anybody else qualified to discern the nuances of these issues. The rest of 'em are just giving you their best guess. I know it sounds like dogma, but a trained gender therapist, no matter if by phone or video chat on the internet, is who y'all need to talk to..

There is a page on this site with a list of gender therapists that offer assistance to people isolated in remote areas. I'll go find the link and post it for you...

Good luck! Svenna

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