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Guest ShaunaMichelle

Question for spouses/SOs

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I hope you all don't mind my asking this. My question is a 2 part question. What was your initial reaction when your spouse/so came out to you and why do you think you had that reaction?

I ask in hopes that I can be as best equipped as possible to make my coming out as easy on my wife as possible.

Thank you in advance!

Shauna

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My first reaction i guess was shocked but the more my partner spoke to me about it and the more i educated myself the easier it is to understand .how long have u been married ? I think too its so much harder when u have children but talking to ur wife is important in my eyes because she deserves to know the truth as much as u deserve to be the real u and hopefully support u and love u in our journey together . Communication is so important without it too much negativity gets in .

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shauna,

I have recently come out to my wife and it was difficult to talk about at first. I guess I'm a little better off than most only because my wife is a practitioner and can easily grasp the science behind this situation. It did not make it any more easy to come out just a little easier to explain. I guess? I would how ever, take your time give her only the information that she needs to know at first. Be honest and understand that she is just beginning to deal with this. You have been dealing with this for some I guess. If you feel you are losing her in the conversation back off a little.

My wife has gone through several stages of emotion and I have tried to be there for her. I would suggest a good therapist for both of you and even your children. I came out to my therapist first and got my thoughts straight and then told my wife. I have never put any expectations on her. I don't feel that I would want to live my life with someone who can't accept me for who I am. She should be free to make her choice to stay in the relationship or not. As far as your children go, I have one of my own and I can relate. I haven't told her yet. I have told my parents and close family first. I want to put some support around us. I feel that my daughter will need to talk to someone other than me or my wife. She is very close to my parents and they have been totally cool about everything. Actually my whole family has been pretty darn cool about this.

Just go slow at your own pace and remain calm. You can get through this. Good Luck! ^_^

Reagen

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hello

I would like to know if any of you significant others

would have excepted and loved your cherished one if they would have been themselves from the get go?

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My husband finally felt comfortable enough this weekend to let it all out, and honestly I was completely shocked. Things have been let out little by little within the last year, from questioning bisexuality, to believing she was bisexual, to admitting to feeling slightly girly at times right down to finally say she was a girl inside. I'm extremely supportive but I have to admit I come from a very, very open family; my mom had a gf living with us for awhile while still being happily married to my dad, my sister very much prefers girls to guys and no one in the family cares about those type of matters. With that being the case, I realize it might not fully help you to know how your SO will feel. I'll also admit that while I'm fully supportive and want her comfortable, I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. Those feelings coming from your SO would be completely natural.

and if my spouse had announced this from the get go I would like to believe I would've been completely okay, however I'm not into women and am not sure I could've stayed with my spouse in a relationship (but would've in friendship) because from the get-go I wasn't in love right away. Now I'm fully in love with my spouse and gender doesn't matter much.

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My husband finally felt comfortable enough this weekend to let it all out, and honestly I was completely shocked. Things have been let out little by little within the last year, from questioning bisexuality, to believing she was bisexual, to admitting to feeling slightly girly at times right down to finally say she was a girl inside. I'm extremely supportive but I have to admit I come from a very, very open family; my mom had a gf living with us for awhile while still being happily married to my dad, my sister very much prefers girls to guys and no one in the family cares about those type of matters. With that being the case, I realize it might not fully help you to know how your SO will feel. I'll also admit that while I'm fully supportive and want her comfortable, I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. Those feelings coming from your SO would be completely natural.

and if my spouse had announced this from the get go I would like to believe I would've been completely okay, however I'm not into women and am not sure I could've stayed with my spouse in a relationship (but would've in friendship) because from the get-go I wasn't in love right away. Now I'm fully in love with my spouse and gender doesn't matter much.

Meh, the trick of it being late at night. I meant that I wasn't completely shocked *bangs head on keyboard*

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When my SO told me, I was surprisingly good about it all, although I think it could have been down to shock! The day after I found out and since, I've found it really overwhelming. I've been very upset about it all, eager to find everything I can about GID. Naturally I'm very analytical, so I've looked at it from every side possible, just so I can try and at least understand a little. Because I love my SO, I want to support my SO's decision. I know the easier option would be to pack their bags and ask them to leave, but that isn't an option I can take - I know I cannot live without my SO. In truth my SO has done nothing wrong in a way. It's not like they cheated on us with somebody else, although part of me had wished that was the case! The main thing we need to build up is the trust. Because of my SO's secrets, I am paranoid and worry that s/he is holding back secrets, but that will come with time. I know that should my SO start to do anything remotely 'girly' it'll hurt me as it's new! But it'll have to be something that I come to terms with.

I read somewhere else on this about others like my SO having to be selfish. Part of me argues this, mainly because when they married me, they took on me and my children and to neglect us would be wrong. I understand that my SO will get wrapped up in what is going on, but I am hoping gentle reminders that we are going through this also, may help.. I may sound very naive, but I can only live in hope! I am hoping that when you asked your SO to marry you, you did it for the right reasons - commitment, love, believing you'll spend until the end of eternity with them, regardless of the inner turmoil. That is what is I am using to try and get through this. The thought that my SO only married me to feel "normal" and not be "alone" or as a "cure" is what petrifies me.

I'm probably not the best person to be answering this - everything is still raw (it's only been 6 days since I found out) and my answer probably would have been differently still had I answered a few days ago. I don't know if my SO wants to sweep it under the carpet or forget about it for a while - haven't really given them a chance to, it's more me wanting to talk about it than them!

One more thing, I wish I had this site when I first found out - it took me days to find it! After you have told your wife, direct her to here. If my SO had done that, it would have shown to me that they had actually taken time to find somebody I can talk too, instead of expecting me to have to deal with it alone and in secret. I think my SO forgets that although it's their secret, it's become our secret, one which I have no control over. I can't speak to family or friends until my SO decides it's time.

Good Luck with it all xxx

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In our case, I suspected for awhile. She has always crossdressed, and the past several months, I have observed her feeling happier, more comfortable, softer and more at ease. I actually told her of my observations and we started taling about next steps, and they have been taken.

So...it came as no surprise to me. Being bisexual, I am also really comfortable knowing that I will not struggle with that aspect of her transition :)

Annie

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My first thought when I was told was "you are having some sort of horrendous psychotic episode." That is what I continued to believe until my spouse's therapist said it was real and sent my spouse to a doctor for HRT. Then they discussed the scarring that appears to be from surgeries done shortly after birth to turn an intersexed baby into a boy. This was hard to accept. Hermaphrodites and transgenders only exist on TV, right? Wrong. After I realized that it wasn't psychosis, that it was real, I started doing as much research as I could. The more I learned the better I felt about it. It's been 5 or 6 months now and I am still quite overwhelmed at times, and quite depressed and sad and scared and angry. I've learned that all of that is normal, and I suspect your wife will have some, if not all, of these emotions as well.

In answer to the other question about whether I would have been okay knowing from the start, I think it would have been easier. Learning about all of this almost 17 years into a relationship is mind-blowing. I keep trying to figure out how I didn't know, how I could have thought I knew this person so well and now find out I didn't even have the gender correct, let alone what kind of clothes or shoes or whatever this person wanted to wear. How could I not have even known the gender of my very best friend for all these years? How could I not have known that my best friend, my lover, was a girl??? It's humbling in a way because I guess I'm not nearly as smart and observant as I thought I was. Knowing from the start that this person felt this way would have made it a lot easier to accept. As it is now, I find I have been living with someone I didn't even really know. And that is hard to swallow when you thought you knew them inside and out.

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It's not your fault, Roxanna. It was never something you missed but something that those of us with GID do, to hide, from our fears, sometimes from shame, and often from ourselves.

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I hope you all don't mind my asking this.  My question is a 2 part question.  What was your initial reaction when your spouse/so came out to you and why do you think you had that reaction?

I ask in hopes that I can be as best equipped as possible to make my coming out as easy on my wife as possible.

Thank you in advance!

Shauna

Disbelief. When my spouse first came out, I was shell shocked, very supportive etc. However it wasn't until months later that I actually believed it was real. When she started hrt, and then I was angry. Angry about lies, angry about betrayel, angry about money we didnt have..I think at one point I snapped. I have remained supportive, and am taking the journey with her but initially my first thought was your full of it.

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hi : ) im new and sorry if i dont use the correct terms. when my SO told me i was shocked and didnt know how to respond. i told my SO i loved them for the person they are on the inside and if they want to dress its ok. the next day i acctually painted their toe nails. its been 6 days since they told me and we are happier than we have been in 4+ years. it was like a great weight was lifed from my SO shoulders and they are a whole different person now.

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Welcome to Laura's laura_erica

I'm an SO tooo :) I have known for 6 months now . It's great to have u here . That's the same as I feel I love my partner for what she is inside her heart her soul . Yeahhhhhhh I'm happy your here because we can all encourage and support each other. Lookin forward to getting to know u :)

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I've known about six months, and I couldn't have cared less when she told me.

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Hey, I just noticed that you are new here.

Welcome to Laura's Playground hon :)

Brenda

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Thanks for the welcome :)

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