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Guest Lucian1549

My weak will

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Guest Lucian1549

I've had problems with cutting for about a year or two, although I did manage to stop cutting for about six months this past autumn/winter. However, I've recently started cutting again towards the middle of January, and my entire body from neck to knee is covered in red and pink scratches at various states of healing. I try so hard to avoid cutting. I've tried using marker instead of blades, tried throwing away or locking away every object that could be considered even mildly sharp, and various other ways to help prevent self-harm, but I seem to always find some sort of way to cut.

The longest time since the middle of January that I've been without cutting is, or, to be more precise, was 48 hours (Yes, I know, not very long, but it was rather difficult to last even that long). The reason I used past tense to describe that record is because of my flute teacher. I've have practiced flute for two hours every day since my last lesson, and I've managed to perfect everything for my lesson. At the beggining of my lesson, however, she begins shouting at me for never paying attention and used some not-exactly-bad but still rude words to describe me. Not only do I absolutely detest cussing, I begin to panic if someone is shouting at me. The reason why she thought I wasn't paying attention? I don't show my emotions in conversation. Ever. If someone wants to have an emotion filled conversation, they'd be better off talking to a wall than to me. I also don't make eye contact. I find it an impossible thing to do, and my body immediately goes into panic mode if I am forced into eye contact (Panic mode basically means full out panic attack). So, despite the fact that I was listening to every word she said, I still got shouted at, which reduced my already low self-esteem to about -30. Then, I had to endure an entire flute lesson if my teacher shouting at me for poor tone and bad posture. My poor tone was because I was hyperventilating from panic, and the poor posture was from me trying my hardest not to curl up completely. After my lesson, I went to my room to listen to my ipod and calm down a bit, but my mind seemed to be more interested in the pencil sharpener and screwdriver I had laying around. So there went my meager record and there go my chances of being finally able to wear short sleeves in the sauna called the school gym tomorrow.

Sorry for venting and sounding like a soap opera...

~Lucian

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Guest Irielle

Lucian - you are not a soap opera! And I don't think you are venting - I think you are reaching out and that is good! You are a human being with all the things that go along with that. One of them happens to be cutting but you have proven to yourself that you can stop because you did stop for six months.

What is different now than back when you were able to stop? Can you compare now with then and see if anything is different? It sounds like your flute lessons are very stressful - can you quit them for a while or maybe find a new teacher? Maybe there are certain situations that trigger your cutting and maybe you can change or avoid those situations?

I have had times of injuring and cutting myself and I know how it feels. Do you have a therapist or doctor you can talk to? For me it was dangerous to keep it to myself and it really helped when I talked about it in therapy. Please take good care of yourself! I hope you can find someone in your area that you can see for help. And everyone here is on your side - big hug and a kiss from me!

Iri

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Guest Amethyst_Redemption

Lucian

First of all, do not feel any form of guilt or shame about past or present SI. You are in pain and it is a coping mechanism. Coming up with better ways would be ideal, but having the resources is necessary. As an initial idea I would offer you ice. you can squeeze ice cubes in your bare hand. Also, keep a butter knife in the freezer to cut with. I will also PM you a link to some wonderful resources concerning SH/ SI.

Second, you may or may not be on the autistic spectrum, but I believe that some of the mitigation techniques that those on the spectrum have developed to help with eye contact and emotional inflection. If you are interested you can PM me, an aspie. :)

April

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Guest Lucian1549

@Iri: I wish I could quit my flute lessons, or at least switch teachers. But my parents won't even consider letting me switch teachers, since my current teacher apparently is the best teacher in my state (or so she says), and my parents wouldn't be caught dead with me having a teacher who is less than the best. The main things that trigger me, I think, are lonliness, stress, and showers. Unless I start skipping school, I can't avoid stress, and unless I become un-insomniac, I can't avoid lonliness, and I think my family would drop dead if I began to avoid showers (I know I certainly wouldn't appreciate my own stench). I've tried to avoid anything sharp, but I always miss things and end up finding them when I feel depressed. I do have a therapist, but I have been too much of a coward to talk to her(even though my sister has been trying to force me into saying something)

@April: Thanks for the PM, it was useful ^^ Also, thanks for the suggestion with the ice, I'll be sure to try and remember that next time I'm about to SI.

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