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Mia J

So…… Are you a lesbian?

24 posts in this topic

This is a question that my wonderful spouse gets at times from people we know when they find out about my transition. The truth is that my spouse is actually BI but that is not the point of this post and like the question it is really none of anyone’s business.

It really comes across to her and I as crude. What is surprising is that it comes from people who had known me the first time I tried to transition and from people we know who ARE lesbian.

My spouse and I spent some time this week talking about this after someone we know ask this to her at a memorial on Sunday.

Why is it that so many people define a relationship of a couple based on sex or sexual orientation. The reality is that most healthy relationships are defined by much more than sex.

Our relationship is defined first by our deep love and respect for each other that goes far beyond the mere physical. It is our trust and openness with each other. It is that we are truly soul mates. It is that so many of our interest and our life goals are the same. It is our deep companionship and all of the experiences we have shared both good and bad. Sometimes the reasons seem infinite.

Our love is just not that shallow. Please don’t let others cause you to question your love and the relationship with your mate. Adjusting to transition is hard enough without letting others disrupt your efforts.

Mia

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It's gonna happen I know. Your answer is very well thought out and I agree. We love another person? Who really should care what we have in our panties/pants?

But humans love labels. Personally, I think love on our level, as transsexuals, transitioned or not, is undefinable and therfrore has no label.

People will still ask, and what can be said? "Are you two lesbians?" say "No, we are just two people in love."

Lizzie

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Mia and Lizzie, both very good points and points I agree with completely. I have said several times to friends and on the internet, I am not going to label myself that way. I do suspect it is in me to fall in love with either gender and people who like to present somewhere in between. So far I only get sexually aroused by women but I could see me getting to know a man and falling in love with him. After I am in love with someone, I highly expect that I will be able to get sexually aroused by them.

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Beautifuly put Mia. Too many people define themselves by their sex and sexuality. Many of my gay friends feel its important to be out to stop gay bashing and bullying. Many hetro friends feel threatened by anyone not being "normal". Learning to love the person for who they are is all that maters and with luck being loved the same in return.

hugs rita

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Very good topic, Mia.

I am often asked this. My reply is always the same: I am female and I am attracted to females. Am I lesbian? That is up to you to decide. As for me? I am just "me." :)

Labels are for boxes of cereal and warning messages on your flatiron.

...

After I am in love with someone, I highly expect that I will be able to get sexually aroused by them.

I like your comment, Amanda, about simply falling in love with a person period, not what they are.

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Well, I'm attracted to women; however, I'm not with anybody. However, labels don't matter to me ... never did ... never will. Just saying.

Peace :friends: Lacey

Note:

Now that I'm significantly into HRT for some time, occasionally, a certain guy will make me do a double-take. Hmmm? Not a preference, but I would NOT have done that heretofore. Wassup with that?

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Mia,

My spouse will have to face that question at some point and I feel sorry for the fool that tries to tell her who and what she is. Once she gets her head wrapped around our 'new' relationship she will be fine. After that, any smarmy hetero-normative jabs will put to rest.

She is not a lesbian, not that there is anything wrong with that, but I am. This quite a conundrum for cis folk to process...

But, is very rude and ignorant to ask such things. I often hear people ask very inappropriate things in everyday conversations, though. Just the other day I heard a lady ask a pregnant woman some pretty specific things in a public place. The mother-to-be was uncomfortable and mumbled a non-specific answer and walked away, somewhat miffed..

People often don't think before they start talking, add a complete lack of understanding to the mix and you have trouble..

Love, Svenna

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Many people do not understand that some relationships truly transcend gender and sexual orientation.

The depth of these relationships is not known by the majority.

We are all very fortunate we understand (and experience) love that runs this deep!

Love this deep and true has to have a very positive impact upon society and upon the world at large!

Enjoy and share the Love! :D

Brad

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Right now I look at other women just to size me up as to do I want to look like them. Nothing sexual as for men I'm not sure how I will go I trying to get the new me up and running my first therapy session was wonderful. I can't wait until I go again 3 months at the latest to start HRT doesn't seem long hurry my journey is slowly getting started love you guys

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Thank you Mia,

As my ex has asked... "Are you gay?" Well, that depends on how you look at it. has been my reply.

Love

Brenda

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.

I love whom I love.......

Period!

Dee Jay

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.

I love whom I love.......

Period!

Dee Jay

Exactly!!! I couldn't agree more Dee Jay

Hugs

Becca

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*Speaking from my view as a SO*

Sex is important to me and I regard it as important as trust and love. For me, sex is a way of expressing my love to my partner that words just can't describe. I have made it clear to my partner, that should the time for transition come I am intending to be completely with them, sex included. It's not just about the physical side of things, it's about the emotional connection you share at the time, one which you don't share with anyone else. If that makes me shallow then so be it.

I am not a 'lesbian', I haven't even regarded myself as 'bi-curious' but it is something I have had to assess after I find out about my SO's GID. Yes it's just a label and society uses labels, even if they're not very nice ones, to familiarise something that is unknown to them, making it less scary. Lesbian, gay, straight. Society is based on the norm of a nuclear family - man, woman, children and when something deviates from the norm - like same sex couples, it stands out. Thankfully times are changing and adapting - same sex relationships aren't as frowned upon as they were years ago. Hopefully what my partner is going through will be like that also in a few years.

So if someone calls me a lesbian in the future.. So what. It's just a label. I'd be more insulted if they called me a fat lesbian! Plus I'd probably be more insulted if they didn't think I was having a sex life with my partner! For me, I'll still be making love to a man, that happens to have female anatomy. It is a way that I have had to try to put a positive spin on it to be able to deal with the situation.

Bellsie x

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...

I am not a 'lesbian'...

...

For this type of situation, I find the phrase "situational lesbian" to be a little more apropos. I am not sure where I got it from (maybe the book, “She’s Not There” by Jennifer Boylan?), but I thought it was a neat way of putting it.

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As to what I am, I don't really know, but I can always take requests!!

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Wow gd post thx . I have been thinkin the same what am i ifnmy partner starts transition soon? Well i came to the conclusion i fell in love with her soul not her gender . I feel if a relationship is strong u can learn new ways . Its not about the gender or what we may get labeled as but what we share the bond and luv that no other can see cause it is soul connecting . When the time comes thy can call me whatever thy like bi lesbian whatever iam me and she is who she is . At the end of the day its about love respect and honesty what more can a person ask for , every human craves all these. I reckon just keep loving

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...

Well i came to the conclusion i fell in love with her soul not her gender . I feel if a relationship is strong u can learn new ways . Its not about the gender or what we may get labeled as but what we share the bond and luv that no other can see cause it is soul connecting . When the time comes thy can call me whatever thy like bi lesbian whatever iam me and she is who she is . At the end of the day its about love respect and honesty what more can a person ask for , every human craves all these. I reckon just keep loving

K_J - you are one outstandingly remarkable human being and I am honored to have you as a friend. *hugs*

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Aww thank u so much for ur kind words

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I think that labels are people's way of understanding and figuring out what they may have in common. I think if a stranger or casual aquaintance asks if you're a lesbian, then that is quite rude and inapropriate, and my reply might be something like "What's it to ya?" However, if someone who has known me a while asks if I'm a lesbian after learning that my spouse is transitioning from male to female, then I think it's a fair question, and I wouldn't take it as being rude, but more just them being curious. I have no problem with curiosity; it's how people learn. Of course, if a person I know asks me this question after learning that my spouse is female... I don't know what my answer will be. I have never been a lesbian, I have never been bi, and looks have never been the most important thing when choosing who I want to have sex with. BUT... I have yet to have sex with my mate being female. Our sex life has been on hold for a while now since this all started, mostly because I am scared of touching those breasts! Sounds silly, I know. It's not that I am homophobic - I have had gay friends I was quite close with, and I have no issue with lesbians or transgenders... but having sex with a woman... it's not something I have ever considered doing. Sure I can look at a woman like Angelina Jolie and think "damn she really is beautiful"... I have even fantasized about her doing things to me... but NEVER about ME doing things to HER... that is where I get scared and unsure. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? I guess I don't know. Do I care about the label? Not really, though it would take some getting used to when you've gone 42 years as strictly heterosexual. But I think maybe it's a little like food - how can you say you don't like veggie burgers if you've never had one?

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We went to our first PFLAG meeting over a year ago (PFLAG was originally a support group for Parents Friends of Lesbians and Gays.. It has now included transgender in the mission. But we were the first openly transsexual people to attend the regular meetings - our intent was to support friends and families of transpeople.

BUT at the introduction we got asked several time - way more than several times, actually - what our sexual orientation was. It is generally LGB people at the meetings. .

Sigh - we kept saying "GENDER' orientation not "SEXUAL" orientation. Finally I said I only like other women.

"OH, then you are a lesbian" and that was all they really wanted to know. Even the LGB community doesn't always 'get it." So we have many people that just "MUST KNOW" something about our sexual orientation - ha!

Technically? Although I am transitioned, I am currently pre-op - so liking women makes me heterosexual. BUT after my surgery? I become homosexual. BUT I am in relationship with a pre-op transitioned woman - so we both are same sex - Lesbians?

Our surgeries will be a day or two apart - then we both will be heterosexual for a few days - then we go back to homosexual again.

WHEW.

Lizzy

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When asked, I say "gay by circumstance" I am happy because of my circumstance, but I am not a lesbian..lesbians are awesome however I think being attracted to women is a pre-req for the label. People do refer to my wife as my partner though.

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I love women, I am strongly attracted to women, I am taking steps to becoming a woman myself.

I really don't know if that makes me a lesbian or not. I just love my wife, and remain committed to her. I have many lesbian friends and even some family members and have always related to them easily. I have no physical attraction to men in that sense, however have many good friends that are male.

I suppose I could be called a lesbian by transition.

Cindy -

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Well I married a man who was really a woman so I guess I was a lesbian all along :/

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Well I married a man who was really a woman so I guess I was a lesbian all along :/

Hi Angel,

I've tried to express that to my mate, and she won't accept it. She says she's still attracted to men, but our relationship is not about that - it still works in spite of the fact that I'm not male.

As for me, my attractions are for the female - but still don't consider myself to be lesbian either. My attractions are too asexual to fit the category, to my way of thinking anyway....

If I were single, it would be different - as a couple, there are no labels for our relationship or our attractions - it's just love!

Love, Megan

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