Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Thought I would give an update.


Guest Amanda Whyte

Recommended Posts

Guest Amanda Whyte

Though not much has changed, I thought I would give an update.

Still just doing counseling and wearing panties and knee high hose/boot socks under clothes. I have decently long fingernails, just dont know what to do with them, and paint them with clear coat. I shave my legs, chest and stomach and wear my female pj's to bed most nights.

My wife does do little things that help as long as they dont cross any lines in her mind. Today she just bought me more of the hose/socks I like.

However on the actuall accepting my trans front she hasnt changed any. This weekend we had another talk and she still doesnt want me to go any further. Her opinion seems to be either my first counselor gave me an answer about feeling inadequate and I am making up everything else to fill in the blanks to make the answer right, or I have been lieing to her our whole life. She just cant believe I have had these feelings my whole life and never told anybody.

Right now the main physical dysphoric feelings I have is, mainly, above the waist. I cant stand my chest area, and really am starting to hait my hair (or lack there of). My main issues is just not being able to stand being treated like a man. I dont like men only conversations and really hate any confrontations.

The hair thing is an example of a place where I have lied to my wife for years. I have been balding since my 20's and have always said, "I dont care." I mainly kept my hair cut really short and just ignored it. It really eats at me and I cant stand it. So this is a major example of my lieing to her over the years that causes a problem.

I keep explaining my feelings as not feeling part of the human race. I live on the other side of some sort of imaginary boundary and while I react with the "real" world I am not really part of it. The main question she gets me with is why cant her and the kids be enough for me? or why cant they make me feel part of the human race? The various forms of this question about drives me batty with guilt.

Why cant they be enough? I dont know and it kills me.

Well I guess that is about it. I know I have not been around much but when I am at home I have been spending more and more time with my family. That probably wont stop but I will check in when I have the chance.

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Oh, I forgot to mention that it is kind of odd but since awakening to being trans and coming out to here we have been closer than we have in years, if ever. If we are home at the same time it is almost gauranteed we will be sitting next to each other. Our new intimacy goes into the bedroom as well.

Link to comment

Hi Mandy,

Hang in there little Sis. You know how hard it is to explain your feelings, just imagine how hard it is for someone else to get it?

I've had many of the same feelings as you have, and just like you I kept it all hidden my entire life. Don't think you've done anything wrong by not talking about it, it took this long for you to figure it all out. When I get those guilty feelings, I remind myself that I lived one way, miserably, most of my life to take care of everyone else. Now it's my turn to be taken care of (and I only have myself to do it).

Take care,

Shari

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Shari and Lizzie, thank you. It helps to hear people be understanding of me moving slowly for my wife. While I think I would be very happy moving faster, I desperately want to stay with my wife. I am willing to go slowly for that chance.

Link to comment
Guest Gregg Jameson

Hi Amanda,

I totally understand the feelings of guilt. I hope you can work through that and let that go in time.

I also understand wanting to maintain your loving relationship with your wife. I hope this works out for you!

It is all a process, as you know. Yes, as Lizzie mentions, "Patience."

It is sometimes difficult to have more patience when we already feel like we have waited to very long to be free to be ourselves!

Yet, patience is in order with ourselves and with our loved ones.

As we start feeling more like ourselves, we tend to want to move toward our goals of being more fully ourselves much more often, of course! :D

Always glad to catch up on how things are going for you and your beloved.

With Admiration,

Brad

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Thank you Brad. As always I love your input. I kind of picture all of this as a valcano. At some point it is going to erupt. It could be next week, next year, or in several years. Until it does there are going to be periodict venting of steam and gasses. I am trying to get past those ventings until therapy helps me figure out a way to survive the eruption. I dont think it is going to happen in the near future but am scared what it is going to take to survive it when it happens.

Link to comment

Mandy,

Patience, patience, patience...

I'm a few months ahead of you, but on a very similar track, so your words really resonate with me. I was in your shoes 4 months ago and I wouldn't want to have to re-live the conversations I had with my spouse over this 'trans thing' for anything...

I've wanted to go full time for a few months, but I have barely done anything in real life, only to protect the integrity of my commitment to my spouse. I KNOW what it like to YEARN to express myself without censoring my actions or words. But I cannot, not yet...

My spouse and I had a very difficult discussion again tonight. Again, she feels up against a wall and still wants me to explain the same things she has wanted explained since day one. All of the progress we've made undone by her state of denial. She is moving through the stages, we do a lot of 'bargaining' these days, but still won't accept me unconditionally. Seeing my family accept me without hesitation really upset her because she sees it has given me strength to press onward.

We talked tonight about surgeries and the mechanics of love. This did not go well...

So, I will relent until she approaches me with a suggestion for forward movement...

Push and relent, love and support, push and relent...

Slow and steady, like a starfish works, too. I learned that here!

Hang on, hang on...the best is yet to come...lol..

Love, love, Svenna

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Amanda,

When I thought I had to live as a woman because my body dictated that was my fate I had to learn to play a role. I had to act like something I was not and fool everyone -not to deceive and be false but because it was the only way to be the best woman I could. To do what society expected of me. But that wears you down and takes a toll. Leaves you unaware that doing your best actually meant being false. For those of us who are committed to being truthful that is perhaps the source of a lot of our depression. To be good people we have to play a role. But playing a role is false and false is bad. A true catch-22 bind.

A few times when my daughter was struggling I suggested that she put her hair up under a ball cap and try to spend a day passibng as a man. Try hard to be a real man and maybe she could get a shadow of what my life was like trying to live as a woman. Sge declined but it did make her think.

As far as others being enough for us-that is just too simplistic for human realities. Our brains qare configured with needs that must be met. We have reserves but eventually they wear away and we are no longer able to meet the needs of those we love when we cannpt meet our own. That is something that being a social worker-it is rule number one. You cannot meet the beeds of others if you do not meet your own. Disaster is the inevitable result. For strong people it can take a long time but they tend to fall harder when they do fall.

Also I have never understood how someone who loves you can ask you to live in a lethal pain and misery. I understand denial-though the reality is that there is no undoing or going back. The truth is forever the elephant in the room whether someone wants to see it there or not, eventually it becomes undeniable.

Not to mention that the part of your relationship that was true and real-the vast majority in any good relationship-was with the very person she is denying. Because nature dictated that in heart and mind you are a woman whether she recognized it or not. It is the woman she loves and not the illusion of the man she believes she loves in all probability. If that is not the case then the relationship has no basis at all. And it is you the woman who loves her and not the false image -the creation to satisfy the demands of society.

Anyway that's my take on it. I was lucky and unlucky enough to not have an S/O when I transitioned. But my daughter has been my life-a different relationship by far I know- yet she struggled to accept even while supporting. Turned to me in pain and anger and accused me of making her an orphan. That hurt -so much. A real distance developed for awhile but I just kept doing what I had to do while telling her I loved her and not putting any pressure on her. I didn't stop T or avoid the issue but didn't force any discussions she was uncomfortable with except a few times when frustration got the best of me. But now after a year she is embracing the new me and we are closer than we have been in years.

I gelieve very nuch that we have to continue on one we start our journey and that stopping for someone else only makes the possibility of working that relationship out in the long run more unlikely. But we have to go very slowly with love and acceptance and understanding of the pain of those who love us. Who must transition with us when that is what they least want to do.

It sounds like you are doing well. I realize that the guilt is perhaps unavoidable but the truth is that there is nothing to be guilty about. You are all victims of a terrible birth accident -and you were just trying to do your best as you knew it. In the long run you will be a better partner and a better parent for transitioning. I am absolutely convinced of that.

Hugs

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest rikkicd64

Hi Mandy,

Hang in there little Sis. You know how hard it is to explain your feelings, just imagine how hard it is for someone else to get it?

I've had many of the same feelings as you have, and just like you I kept it all hidden my entire life. Don't think you've done anything wrong by not talking about it, it took this long for you to figure it all out. When I get those guilty feelings, I remind myself that I lived one way, miserably, most of my life to take care of everyone else. Now it's my turn to be taken care of (and I only have myself to do it).

Take care,

Shari

Hi Shari,what you said is correct,at least for me,what you said is an exact mirror of my life.

Thanks.

Rikki...

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Svenna, I always appreciate your input. Alot of our stories are very similar and it does help that you are a few steps ahead of me. Thank you very much. I actually think I am doing ok on the patience I just need to vent about things every once in a while to help.

JJ, as I have said numerous times I appreciate you input also. It helps to know that these thoughts and feelings make sense.

Rikki, Shari is an awsome lady and always has wonderfull input.

Another thing she does that drives me crazy is when she keeps relegating me to being the word husband or father. I am me and I want to be considered as me being me, not a word. Just venting though. I know that this is hard on her and in some ways harder on her. I just need to let my frustrations out sometimes.

The biggest urge I fight is when she says she is scared I will leave them, I want to tell her that it will be her that will kick me out and it wont be my choice. I do tell her that I dont want to leave them and will never voluntarily leave them. I know these are the same things but the urge hits to just put it bluntly that it will have to be her decision if we split up due to any reason.

Link to comment
Guest rikkicd64

Svenna, I always appreciate your input. Alot of our stories are very similar and it does help that you are a few steps ahead of me. Thank you very much. I actually think I am doing ok on the patience I just need to vent about things every once in a while to help.

JJ, as I have said numerous times I appreciate you input also. It helps to know that these thoughts and feelings make sense.

Rikki, Shari is an awsome lady and always has wonderfull input.

Another thing she does that drives me crazy is when she keeps relegating me to being the word husband or father. I am me and I want to be considered as me being me, not a word. Just venting though. I know that this is hard on her and in some ways harder on her. I just need to let my frustrations out sometimes.

The biggest urge I fight is when she says she is scared I will leave them, I want to tell her that it will be her that will kick me out and it wont be my choice. I do tell her that I dont want to leave them and will never voluntarily leave them. I know these are the same things but the urge hits to just put it bluntly that it will have to be her decision if we split up due to any reason.

You hang in there Amanda,you will work through it ok,I still have work daily on different issues of my transformation.

Huggs....Rikki.... :friends:

Link to comment
Guest Gregg Jameson

Hi Amanda,

I hear how adamant you are about the fact that you will not voluntarily leave your wife and family!

You are very, very serious about this!

I also understand your wife's fears around the possibility of your leaving.

I am wondering if your wife knows you participate here and if she, somehow, is afraid this is a place where people "pick up" others for relationships? The reason I am asking is because I have just realized that some people around me think every transgender site is a place to "pick up" and/or to "start relationships" (sexual relationships) with others. This is a myth. Although I am sure there are some sites where this happens, this site, in my opinion, is not one of those sites.

(I deeply appreciate the fact that this is a site free of that type of an agenda. I am happy to have such a place to interact.)

Yet, I wonder if you wife somehow fears this may be a part of the agenda here at LP? If so, I wonder if an honest talk with her about this might put some of her fears to rest?

Just a thought.

My best to you and to your beloved, Amanda!

Brad

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Thanx Brad. I never thought about that. She does know about Laura's and I have offered her to look over my posts or make an account of her own. She always declines. I have always described it as an online support group. I may have to figure out a way to bring the subject back up and ask her. For now we avoid talking about it till I have a chance to see my new therapist and see what she has to say.

Rikki, thank you for the support.

Link to comment

I've explained to my wife that I've always felt different. While I'm not going to transition she has seen the changes in me. Like you I'm not leaving my wife. I recently shared with my pastor that I'm transgender. However my wife won't go out with me if I'm dressed.

I won't force the issue on her.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 163 Guests (See full list)

    • MaeBe
    • Betty K
    • violet r
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • SamC
    • Ashley0616
    • Timber Wolf
    • KathyLauren
    • JustJack
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      Thank you for continuing to share your story, Sally!   Willa sounded like a grand friend, I'm sorry for your loss. :(
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Not all conservatives are for Trump.  I am far from thrilled he is running.  Just wanted to make that clear.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Anybody willing to present the case for Trump? Any conservatives out there?
    • MaeBe
      Two words(?): Project 2025   Please provide links to the "political calculus" referred to, I'd be interested to know where this is coming from. It seems odd that anyone would be advocating to vote in a President that has stated that he will try to use the federal government to go after LGBTQ+ people because voting back Biden, that is not doing that, might cause some state legislatures to put forth more discriminatory laws.   LGBTQ+ people are not safe in a MAGA future.
    • Ashley0616
      It's awesome that you have had such a great friend in your life! I could only imagine what losing felt like to you. It's neat that you worked for the airlines. Did you take advantage of the space availability fights? My dad worked for Northwest and always flew every single summer except one where we drove from north Mississippi to Phoenix, AZ. My parents agreed to never do that again lol. 
    • Ashley0616
      The trans community won't be good under Trump at all. Biden is the one who has done more for the trans community than any other presidents. Last time Trump was in office he was at an LGBTQ rally and his support went quickly away from us because the majority of the voters are anti trans. He is going to get rid of our rights and also come after the rest of LGBTQ.  I don't know where you heard we would be better under Trump.    Trump unveils sweeping attack on trans rights ahead of 2024 (axios.com)   Trump Promises to Go After Trans People if Re-Elected (vice.com)   Trump promises to ban transgender women from sports if re-elected (nbcnews.com)
    • Sally Stone
      Post 7 “The Pittsburgh Years” When I retired from the Army, we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because I had been hired by US Airways to work in their flight training department.  The transition to civilian life was a bit of an adjustment, but I never really looked back.  At the same time, I was excited at the prospect of having more Sally time. But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...