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Guest MiraJ

Looking for some support...

10 posts in this topic

Hello

Im new. and after reading some of the forums interactions. I found out alot of whats going on with me. Yet, i still not quiet ure who i am anymore. Im not all about talking to the whole world, thats one of the reason why i dont post in the Intro section.

I need advice and i cant write everything at once, so, i will post several post with this post as add ons.

First of all. Physically i am male (33). Mentally im far from male, to how i feel (female). Thats the confusing part where i need the support to see and understand to what am i.

I am married. Cant even share with my wife since after a light attempt, i felt she kinda got concerned about me. Makes sense, i dont even know all the answeres yet, and a woman wants her man to take care of her and not tell her: Baby i feel like a woman.

I noticed that there is noone who i know as friends or family who would truly understand how i feel. Im glad i was able to share most of this with my dear sister. I bet shes still trying to figure out where that came from, BUT shes very understanding and i knew out of everyone, she would be the one who will listen and trying to understand.

Recently i feel more and more a conflict going on inside of me. I also have read and understood much more about whats going on inside of me. I always knew i was different. Never thought that i was just by trying to fit into "society" surpressing my true me. The me who enjoyes being more feminine and less masculine. With envy i see females dressing beautifully and get jealous for not being able to truly express myself of how i feel.

Looking back into my past i see alot of evidence that underlines of what i came to realize today.

Im hoping to get more answers and advice through some of you and maybe find the true definiton of me.

Closing for now

To be continued...

Thank you for having me :-)

S.

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Hi Mira Welcome to Laura's :) When you have a chance have a look at our Rules and Regs :)

You are not alone and it is good that you were able to talk to your sister about it. It can be hard, feeling confused, not quite knowing who or what you are, just not feeling right. You want to be able to talk to someone but, who can you talk to and will they still love you and accept you the way you are. It is hard when you feel like you have to keep quiet with some people because of the negative reactions that might happen. It would be nice to make little changes but feel you can't. I know how you feel about how you like feeling more feminine and less masculine. I can certainly relate to seeing females dressed beautifully (why can't that be me!).

The thing that I found is a gender therapist helped me a lot! Not a regular therapist who isn't trained for this sort of stuff but a specially trained Gender Therapist.

I look forward to seeing more of your posts MiraJ

Krisina

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Mira,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! You are among friends here, most all of us have been where you are now, though we don't all end up in the same place. There are many variations on the theme of gender and it takes a lot of serious work to sort things out sometimes. I know that for me, by the time I arrived at Laura's, I was pretty sure I was transsexual, too, but I needed to sort out the final details before things could change for the better. If I have one thing to say, it is that things can get better, things WILL get better...

Krisina mentioned seeing a real gender therapist. Find one near you and make an appointment, go there, bare your soul and your truth, you will be glad you did..

Relief from the pain of being trans can be had, but you gotta see the gender therapist to get it...

Ask away, we'll help all we can, we've been there, too!

Love and Acceptance, Svenna

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Thank you so very much Krisina and Svenna.

Its great to see having people who truly understand how i feel.

I dont know if i could continue holding this inside of me w/o any form of support.

Now about the suggestion with the gender therapist, it also crossed my mind WAY too many times...but I cant physically go to one since i would not know how to explain that to my wife and if i do it in secret, i might come over like im doing something wrong or cheat. :-/

Gotta run now.

Thanks again

Mira

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so, here is the beginning of my life story and what i have experienced growning up.

Living in Europe. It started out....as far back as i can remember, that i always hung out and played with my two sisters. Its was so right to me. Nothing wrong with that. I noticed i wasent interrested ino these boy play fights and getting all rough. In School i was the quiet one who tried to fit in because i suppose to fit in...... being bullied in school was getting normal to me bacause of me obviously "radiating" being different, no matter how hard i tried, that reached all the way into highschool. I noticed i was very emotional. When i had to go to another school for 5th grade i cryed because i didnt want to go...to my disadvantge all my classmates have seen me crying and that came back right at me anytime they had a chance to taunt me. I was thrown in the paper recycling container pretty regularly. Yea, that didnt really help me trying to fit in.

So, i grew up being told that i am a boy and i suppose to behave like one. Reading today between the lines. It was like you better fit into society like a boy should. I believed it and grew up with that in mind thinking that everything else was wrong or evil.

So, i tried to live my life like i ought to as a male.

My dad left us when i was 13 or so. That was the only male influence in the family. it devestated me. How can he do this to us, i asked myself. Cryed over it. So, i grew up in a 3 female household, where i got to experience all the female stuff.

Along this, as mentioned i played all kinds of girly games with my sisters and it was normal to me. I never really had alot of guy friends but the girl friends i had was getting more and more. I hung out with them and was able to connect to them as if i was one of theirs.

I have one female friend i grew up together with and we shared converstations, the room, barbie dolls and getting into trouble together, for every major school break. Then came into puperty and i acted at first like i dont want to hang out with girls like that anymore....trying to fit in again...... then some year or two later. I missed her and i thought maybe we could hook up and go deeper into our connection. she declined. I was disapionted. Looking back at it we were best friends, like siblings....siblings dont hook up.

Now i got sidetracked... um

However, i always felt that i had a very unique connection to females in general. I was always able to start a conversation and it turned out interrestiong fro both sides. Whereas with guys... i felt like im talking to a wall....i had less and less guy frineds as i was getting older. I just couldnt connect. Always sports, getting drunk and hooking up with women for dirty stuff. Just wasent my avenue. I felt filty hearing these conversations. still do.

I always noticed that i adored female beauty, the shape, build and facial lines that defines a woman.

Since i grew up being bullied, laughed at and looked at weired, i turned the shy route.

So, puperty hit me and i was trying to deal with it because, i was suppose to fit in.

Got a job that guys do. Im good with technical stuff... yay something for guys i like.... maybe i was successful fitting in?!

Amongst other small stuff, not worth mentioning, i tried living as a man with alot of female thoughts and desires.

So, i found the most amazing girl in the world and we had a long distance relationship over seas for years til we got married.

Moved to the US to live happily ever after.....

However, lately, i have noticed especially the last 2 months that the female inside of me is pushing to get out, ALOT.

So, after hearing that its is possible that someone can be born with a physical gender and the opposite gender with the mind.

I'm like wow never thought of it this way. Im getting curious and do research about it.

What is called TS? hmm so all that crap they showing you isnt true and thats something very serious to deal with.

So, i remeber how i seen this subject in my mind because society tells you it isnt right.

Doing more research and realizing that i might be TS myself.

I have a virtual reality online game relationship with a woman as me being a woman also, the name of the game i dont want to disclose because i could be found in search in connection with this name. Just saying as much, you Krisina i noticed, you know which one im talking about. ;-)

I have been playing a woman for almost 4 years now and i have to say to some extent it is very relieving, being who i want to be.

Wearing whatever i want to wear, not having to hide my true expression.

Since i started my relationship with this other girl. I feel the most happiest and satisfied person in the world. I call it that i let the female inside of me out for that virtual reality world. Wouldnt trade it for anything.

However, since i got into a relationship with another woman, being a woman. I still feel unsatisfied some times. Lately i have thoughts about me and wats going on insiede of me and i even started crying because of that a couple of times and i know if i dont find out what exactly is going on inside of me and who i am, it will only get worse.

I am very thankful, that i have not had any thoughts of suicide.....yet.

It crossed my mind that i wouldnt mind living w/o a guy thingy.

So, here i am a little informed, yet still confused. I am married and i cant even share this with my wife. I dont want to hurt her or dump her. Makes me think im selfish of whats going on inside of me. BUT am i able to stay this surpressed for the rest of my life?!

Thats what i wonder about.

I ran my head empty and its super late.

Will continue if i find something important that i forgot to mention

Finally i shared this....

Mira

BUT still have to live my actuall life.

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Thank you for sharing more of your story with us Mira. Online gaming characters where you can be your true self, be the female character and wear what you like too is nice. I like that too.

I will try to post a longer reply later but I just wanted to get a shorter reply out first.

Krisina

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Mira,

Thank you for the additional info!

You seem to be on the right track, this stuff really doesn't just go away, thank goodness the internet is wide open and we found the real info we needed. There is so much trash on the net about trans stuff that we are repulsed at being associated with it, I think...

Your feelings sound reasonable to me. Take your time exploring here, be in no hurry to reach a conclusion, as there may be many levels to your personal circumstances and a simple explantation may elude you..

Do you know about gender therapy? A trained gender therapist can help you unravel the layers in your mind as you seek your truth. Besides, any additional tools you may need will usually require a recommendation letter from a gender therapist...

Did I mention gender therapy? lol...

I'll post a link for you, there are quite a few gender therapists that work with isolated clients via Skpe etc..

Be right back...Svenna

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Thank you so very much for your help. It took me alot of courage to write this to you all.

I might try out the gender therapist. Sounds possibly like the best choice.

Much love

Mira

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