"What am I?"

[Guest jennifer_m]

Hello, I just wanted bounce some things off you all to see what you think. I honestly believe I'm transgendered, and the COGIATI says "probable"...

For as long as I can remember, I always had problems with relationships. At 27, I've never actually had a bonafide girlfriend. I've had a couple close calls, but they never seemed to last longer than a month or two. It really hurt because I wanted them to work. Most of my friendships with women were only "fair-weather", and I didn't have many male friends in my school years either.

Around puberty was probably the first time I can remember myself feeling my "inner me". At the time I had dismissed it as "sexually arroused teenager" or "playful experimentation" and let things slide. "I have boy parts, I must be a boy", etc.

After graduating from career college, I got a job and moved out from home, with a guy I had met from college. Lasted about a year. When that fell through, I moved in with a cousin who was also looking for a place to live. Things seemed okay at first, but he had eventually met a woman, to whom I had an instant distaste for (which was later justified, but that's besides the point, and not really relevant). I realize it now, but I think I was actually jealous for the both of them. Needless to say, I moved out again, this time on my own.

After I moved on my own, things had became a little lonely for me. I grew my hair out over the years, but MBP started rearing its ugly head (pardon the pun). I tried growing a beard to improve my appearance. But eventually, I had lost the desire to go outside, and I became ever increasingly reliant on the internet for means of communication. Last summer, I had even asked my mother, "what's wrong with me?"... but she blew it off as a "rough patch" (Personally, I think it's a little more than a rough patch, but I digress).

So, a few months ago, those "inner me" feelings started rearing their ugly head again, and it finally dawned on me. I think I'm supposed to be a woman. My man parts now aggravate me, and I'm displeased about my other manly attributes, and my lack of female parts. My dreams are about being beautiful, and being romanticized by an extremely passionate person... I'm not quite sure if it's a man or a woman, but I'm definitely a woman, and I am the one they truly desire. But every morning the dream ends, and I wake up, and so does my aggravation (pun intended this time ).

When my work schedule calms down somewhat, I'll possibly build up the courage to either make a GP appointment, or break the news to my mother. I guess I should, as I don't think things are going to change... and if I choose to ignore this again, it might come around again in another 10-15 years.

I just wanted to get this all off my chest, and also as an introduction of sorts. Thanks.

[Guest MiraJ]

I know how you feel. I didnt have the same experience, but everyone experiences it differently.

Just remember you not the only one. We all struggle with it.

Much love

Mira