I came out to my wife today!

[Guest praxis]

Well sort of...it was so easy and went over well...

You see, I've been a binge and purge underdresser for over a decade, but never tried to take it further. As I'm getting older (32), my femme side needs to come out more. For the longest time I thought it was simply a perversion of heterosexual arousal, but when I started doing things not for arousal (like sitting to pee) I began to realize that I need to take my deeper feelings more seriously. I dressed up as a slutty girl two years ago for halloween and now I sort of feel bad for the mocking portrayal I gave of myself. Anyway, I've long had recurring fantasies of becoming a woman - but I don't know the slightest thing about putting on make up, or how to take better care of my hair or passing in public. I'm a big fan of gender bender movies where the characters wake up one day in the body of another sex. I wish that would happen to me, permanently. So yeah, deep breath, one step at a time...

Since I want to pursue my femme side more, I need to learn and practice cross-dressing at least at home, and start a small wardrobe. I'm married though, and I saw a time bomb in the making - how to hide my activities and become more active at the same time? I had to come out and that was that. Its just that I was afraid of changing the status quo. So...two weeks ago I made a walk-in appointment at an LGBT friendly counseling center and briefly presented my issue about under-dressing as a relationship problem. We didn't discuss gender dysphoria at all. Really, the guy didn't do much of anything except listen. I mean gosh, I can have a monologue with myself anytime, right? Well, it helped. I found courage.

It also helped that I have another appointment this thurs and need monologue material.

So this evening I said to my wife, "hey, I want to bring up something thats kinda coming from left field".

she, "ummm ok"

me, "well I think it would be really fun if I learned how to cross-dress"

she, "gosh, ok. What makes you want to do that?"

me, "well, I don't know, I just do...(pause)...Its something that I've been interested in for a long time, but you know... its kind of taboo, especially with my background (former military service)."

she, "haha yeah... well alright, but I don't know how much help I can be, you know I'm kind of a tom-boy"

I know I may need to come out about my need to "be" a woman, but its a start at least. Perhaps more openly crossing dressing will be enough to balance me? As for coming out, timing and moods are critical, and I think I got that part right on....

Yay!!

[Guest kelise]

Well, you're definitely right about the future need to come out again should you decide a pyysical transition is in order. If that is exactly how the conversation went, I can pretty much guarantee that this encounter won't in a million years translate into: "this could potentially mean my husband is really a woman" in her mind. As of right now, she thinks exactly what you used to think, that this is some kind of kinky game you want to play, only she'll never take the next step until you take it for her. Her reaction to this went well, and it often does. Do not allow yourself to think that that is a predictor of how she'll react to further news. Hope for the best, plan for the worst is the best possible advice I can give you.

[Cyndee]

Good for you addressing this openly, it's a start. The pressures of having these feelings can be daunting. Kairi is most correct in her assessment of the conversation you had. Now that you have cracked the door open, I would advise going slow, let this information digest a bit. Perhaps find a time where you can dress up and she can see ya, that would be another step. It's one thing to say, it's another to do. See how she reacts seeing you dressed, might lend it's self to further discovery. Keep the dialog going, it can only help.

C -

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It's a start - but Kairi is exactly right. She thinks this is just experimentation. Be careful because later she will possibly even say you were not honest with her.

Lizzie

[Guest Clair Dufour]

I spent 10 years in Casper on and off (still have relatives there). Even thought there is not a lot of open LGBT, there is a lot going on once you know the right people. Of course most drive to Denver for more open places. Your wife is with you on this which is the most importan part. I got me one of them Wyoming girls too. Play in the house and see what happens.

[Guest *Charlotte P*]

Coming out to the wife is one of the hardest things to do, but be honest, I was with mine and she even asked me right off the bat, where do you want to take this, as I was not fully sure of how far I wanted to take this, I was just honest and said that I was not sure but wanted to see where it lead and that I would let her know what I felt my limitations were. Once I knew myself how far I wanted it to go, I let her know and she has been more than supportive of it.

Bottom line is be honest with her and she will appreciate it.

[Guest tera1976]

I wish I was as brave as you. I want to tell my wife but I'm just afraid of what will happen. Not to mention trying to explain to the kids. I happy and jealous at the same time for you.

Tera

[Guest Shelly Preston]

Coming out can be very difficult. I think you need to be honest when she asks you questions. Oh and there will be questions. Try not to scare her either If you dont know or are not exactly sure tell her that.

Also make sure she has enough time to take in what you are telling her. This is not a topic to be rushed.

Take things slowly you have had along time to try and understand your feelings. Your wife is just finding out. It may take a few days or weeks before you get questions.

Dont keep bringing the subject up either or she will feel you are presurising her. Go with whatever pace she feels comfortable with.

[Guest rachael131]

Since my SO knew before we met, I didn't have that problem. Then I ha to move in a short time and was going to need help. I decided to tell my children, as they were going to help. I had been living in the closet to my family for years, but not to neighbors and some friends. I had a very extensive wardrobe, so I couldn't really hide it anymore. There was, of course, the usual shock, but acceptance has come around. My daughter has even purchased dresses for me. Walking a slow course is surely the best as you find what you desire and share it with your wife. My SO still asks questions after four years together. I always try to be as open and honest as possible.

[Guest Marlane]

Congratulations . Getting to this point is very brave and honest of you. Believe me no partner should be excluded from this side of us. It is who we are and the older you get the more important this decision with become to both of you. Luckily, being truthful to my girlfriend about my Crossdressing wasn't an issue. When we met, I had long decided that whoever I fall in love with will have to fall in love with all of me and vice versa. She happens to be a bisexual, so it kinda works out on a lot of strange levels.

Marlane

[Guest Carla Grace]

I first started dressing at age 10 when my teacher cast me as a lady in the school play and dressed me in ladies clothes. When I got married, my wife went along with my crossdressing when she found some of my clothes. She was relieved at first when she established that I was not cheating on her and that they did not belong to a girlfriend. She participated and bought me some clothes even and all was well for a time as long as I kept my dressing indoors. However it all came out in the open when we had a big arguement one day, that she was not keen on me dressing and she stated that she married a man, not a woman. I now keep all my clothes in my office at work and dress as Carla from 7am till 9am each day and life goes on as "normal". It is not an ideal solution but sometimes a compromise is the way to go.

Carla xx

[Guest shaver]

Jealous but happy for you. I simply don't have the courage yet and it's killing me inside.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

I only learnt of my cross-dressing needs in March this year, at 53. I know now it's been with me for years but it only became apparent in March. With a 30 year marriage behind me, and a whole new load of weird behaviors, I decided to come out immediately to my wife. We live very closely - share a lot and she'd notice clothes, etc. very quickly. Like many of us I felt very scared she'd dump me but I'm glad to report she accepted. I don't think she really understands, yet, nor do I think she fully approves. But she seems happy to tolerate so long as it stays reasonably 'distant'. I hope time and her becoming used to it will settle her and I am letting her absorb it all at her own pace and I'm not trying to push her, or set my own agenda. We agreed to leave the kids out of it. So like Cynthia and Shelly say - it will take time.

And since coming out, I've been able to express change; I wear a little jewellery now which she notices (and so do the children - esp. our 16-year old daughter!). I keep it masculine-looking yet it gives me some freedom to express my femme side. My true happiness is that I can store my clothes in our bedroom alongside all our regular stuff and know there is no stress and anxiety. Recently she took a hanger from a favourite dress and left the dress dangling. I complained it would crease the dress - and she said how nice it was and she thought about having it for herself. I found it so good to have this freedom.

Coming out to her gives us this humorous bantering but I know I have to keep things within reason and see how it will develop. It is not going to open up overnight - she has to get used to my feminine side and I have to make my own adjustments as well.

Congratulations on making a brave move!

Hugs,

Eve.