Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

BIG update


Guest Amanda Whyte

Recommended Posts

Guest Amanda Whyte

Wow, I dont even know where to start.

I got kicked out of the house yesterday. Before I left, I had to tell the children about being transgender because my wife was if I didnt. I gave them a brief explanation. I asked if they had any questions but at that time they didnt. Now I am a nervouse wreck. I almost cant type this my hands are shaking so bad. I dont know what to do. I am trying to decide to contact my wife and ask to see the kids, call the kids, or give it another day.

My dad also called, which means my wife called my sister. He gave me the "The devil has you" speach and said they are going to meet their preacher to talk about it.

I am almost physically sick right now.

Mandy

Link to comment
Guest Shari

Mandy,

I am so sorry for you. I know this isn't what you wanted to happen.

You can't predict when it will get better, but it will. Now is not the time to be making any big decisions about anything. Don't worry, time is on your side and you can use as much as you need to sort out all your feelings.

Have you called your therapist? When my wife left me, my therapist really helped me understand it all.

Hang in there sweetie.

Hugs,

Shari

Link to comment
Guest Holly S

Hang in there girl - hopefully this'll straighten itself out.

Maybe some of the more experienced members here can give you some advice, because I'm drawing a blank.

Hugs and good luck,

Holly

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Shari, I left a message for my therapist this morning, she hasnt called me back yet though. I just want to make sure I handle it right with my kids. My daughter and I have already been texting this morning but I havent heard anything from my son. I sent him a text but he isnt a big phone person anyway and most of the time doesnt have it on him or it is out of battery.

As far as my familly I just will have to judge how much lecturing I want to hear. I will keep my interations with them according to their interactions with me.

Link to comment

Hi Mandy,

I am sorry this happened, although the reactions were, unfortunately, predictable. This is a shock to the entire family and it is hard to know the ultimate results. I hope this doesn't reach the point where you are going to need legal representation, especially when it comes to seeing your children.

May the healing process start soon.

Love,

Jenny

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

My daughter has already texted me just to say I love you. We had a little conversation but she still didnt have any questions. Basically she talked about the 5k that she is doing today. She also said my son is doing good. I sent him a text as well but he hasnt answered yet. Oh, I pray, that this is how it goes with them and cant wait for the next time to be face to face with them. I hope they have questions which means they are thinking about it.

With the kids being 15 and 16 and my daughter being her own person very strongly, legal intervention for visitation is not that big of a worry for me but we will have to see.

Link to comment

You should probably consult a lawyer ASAP. You may not be worried about visitation, but your wife could take the kids' phones, who knows what she could throw at you legally as far as accusations and excuses to keep you from having any visitation rights, and child support could shortly be an issue.

I hope you can get a hold of your therapist soon. Hang in there!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Mandy,

I have been thinking of you since I read this. There are so many facets. One is that the dread is over-it is done and even if it turmed out worst case it is better than hanging over your head I think you will find. You are now free to move on with your life.

That whole religious thing always makes me angry. Read all the threads here about it-there was one recently about what to say and it is all so true. The only thing in the bible that remotely condemns transgender is that passage in Leviticus and if they trot that out then have them read that whole section and tell you how many of those laws they follow. We seldom marry our brother's wife when he dies or stone our neighbors for working on Sunday. Nor do we take multiple wives as men. Yet that one vague reference we are supposed to accept. I said and will say till my dying day that the Good Lord had no trouble saying what was sinful and if being gay or transgender was he would have said so. There is however an injunction about divorce that can make people very uncomfortable when in a discussion about the bible and sin. (Matthew 19:9). That being said reacting to an attack by anger or attacking back is always counter-productive.Satisfying-extremely sometimes-but the psychological truth is that the one who stays calm and in control wins. All kids know this-it's why they push our buttons till we go off. :)

Being trans is hard for people to handle and accept. Harder still to understand. I accept that, but using God to justify your own discomfort and negativity is sinful in my book. Jesus was about love and not condemnation of what made you uncomfortable. Just the opposite. Didn't he say that anyone could love those who loved them but a Christian was expected to love his/her enemies? Love doesn't condemn or harm.

Basically I'm saying don't let the rhetoric get to you. It is baseless and in my mind sinful itself.

You will find your way through this. Many, many have. And in the end they overwhelmingly say that they are happier than they have ever been. It is hard to let it go and move into a new life. Scary. But sometimes it is ultimately the only choice we have if we want to live and find any real joy or peace.

My heart and thoughts are with you

Hugs

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Ravin, thank you very much. I am thinking of all my options and that is one. I will look into local resources and see if there is one especially skilled.

Rikki, I appreciate the support.

Johnny, I do feel a sense of relief that everything is out with the most important people in my life. I also feel a sense of freedom to be able to finally do what I need to. I dont mean I am going to start living full time today or anything (I have a local friend who said she will kill me if I go out wearing the only wig I own). The religious thing didnt bother me really, I just am not looking forward to it being the center of our conversation for days to come. He did make me feel bad about my son though. My daughter says he is doing good but I dont know. I am so worried about him right now. I guess I worry about the typical is it right to put my happiness before my families? I just try to make sure that everything I do isnt just to make me happy. I do what i do because I have to.

DJ, what $20?

Luv'yall

Mandy

Link to comment

Hey Mandy,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this also, so many here have shared this part of the journey as well but as they will all tell you - it does get better.

I am sorry that I missed the phone call but I am here for you anytime.

DJ charges everybody $20 to talk to her - I am going broke because she charges again if you leave the room and come back in.

Best of luck to you and your kids will probably help you a great deal - they have a greater capacity of open mindedness that seems to leave a lot of adults.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Thands Sally.

So I have now texted with both of my children. My son sent me a text explaining his phone was out of battery and said he loved me and one saying Good Morning, this morning. My daughter has continued to text me.

My wife and I got into a text fight but I refused to tell her I am making the choice. I just keep saying that it is her that is choosing.

My dad called and talked again and tried to tell me I should find a different couselor. He also tried to bring the Bible into it. I told him that anyone can choose which part of the Bible to believe. He told me he believes and lives by the whole Bible. I asked him then if a person should be stoned if they cheat. He quickly decided to not get in a religous debate with me.

My mom called and just pleaded with me to change my mind. Asked me to go see a minister and we prayed together.

Both my parents continue to stay civil and tell me that they love me and want to keep communicating with me.

My therapist called this morning and we had a good talk too.

Things are OK for me right now.

As always, thanx for all the support.

Mandy

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Good update. Sounds like things are progressing. Having contact with and the support of your children is just super good.

Glad to hear you are feeling okay. Many times these are among the hardest days we face. Perhaps the time we spend dreading this time is worse for many but from here it just gets better.

Hugs

Johnny

Link to comment

I'm sorry that you were kicked out of your home. Have you a place to live? It's wonderful that your children are communicating with you. You seem to have a positive outlook on things and that's good. All you can do is pray for your wife and folks.

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

Yall are awsome! I am living at an old Navy buddy's and he is great for having me. He said dont worry about money we will work that out later. I couldnt ask for a better buddy then him.

My wife and I have now had a couple of good talks. I told her what it is I will have to have/do, she told me what it is she thinks she can live with and they almost match. Just a couple of sticking points we are working out. She also asked to go with me to my new therapist something like once a month to have questions answered. I know she had problems with my old therapist but I think she will like my new one. I still am not going to switch again no matter what.

I told her that I needed to:

-Not have to put on an act around people anymore. I will a little at work but that is ok. I just pretend like I am a spy or something.

-Have girl outings with friends. She is always welcome if she ever feels comfortable.

-(The big one) HRT

Her only hard rule:

-No dressing in front of her or kids

Compromises:

-I agreed to be androgenous at home since most of the time my wife and I am at home in similar clothes anyway.

-I will take stuff with me and get ready at a friends.

Sticking points:

-She isnt comfortable with my being dressed out of the house at all but is working on it.

-And the big one again: HRT; She asked me questions about HRT which I answered to the best of my ability but there will be more definate knowledgable answers before we agree we have reached a comprimise.

I am still at friends and will stay here till we do come up with that compromise.

I think it is a promissing start.

I really would like yalls input and opinions on this. If you dissagree but feel uncomfortable stating that here, just send me a pm if you feel more comfortable doing that.

Link to comment
Guest JessicaM1985

I read this and my heart broke for you hun!

I would especially re-read what JJ wrote regarding religion acting as a mask for bigotry. I myself was raised very spiritually (about the only 13 year old in my church that was expected to come up front when the pastor called for church elders) and I often encountered this same thing, but in reverse. (I was expected to tell LGBT people that what they are doing is sinful and they are possessed by satan/demons)

If you are not spiritual, then don't pay any attention to what they say at all since it is not something you even believe in to begin with, and it's just them cramming their own personal beliefs down your throat. If you are religious, then I would carefully go over whatever verses they are haphazardly throwing at you to prove their point, and you'll find that they just quick quote things taken out of context to support an otherwise failing argument. You are not possessed, you are not evil, and you are not doomed to hell just because you are transgendered. (I use TG as an umbrella term, so I didn't catch what you identify as, my apologies if I misidentify you)

As for your wife throwing you out over it, wow. Jmo, for what it's worth, there is no love shown in doing that. But I'm glad that she has collected herself enough to where she is thinking through it rationally and working out a plan that will put you both back on the right path together. I'm also super happy that your kids are pretty supportive. Kids can be pretty brutally honest, so I'm glad to see that younger generations are becoming more and more accepting of this.

Please don't stop being you, and don't let anybody deter you from doing this! Much love, hugs and support sent from me down to you! :D

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Mandy I think it is great that you two are working out an agreement.

The HRT is the tough one but you can truthfully tell her that for most people it works slowly and subtly. Some women have had to still be seen as men on the job for months, even years, after being on HRT and managed it so this is not a case of your body will turn female overnight.

I think it sounds like she is still in denial and humoring you. To me this agreement will buy you time for her to come to terms with the reality of what you must do and who you are. But that gives you a chance for the relationship to evolve and for her acceptance and understanding to grow. I would advise to stay firm on the HRT. Otherwise what will ultimately happen is that all this pain and angst has been for nothing and I believe this will all come to a head again. Having set the rules the first time if you back down on it now I believe that the blow up later will be bigger and worse. If you stay firm on the HRT she will have to start handling this and come to terms with the reality. Which is the only real hope for your relationship. My opinion anyway.

Whatever you work out and decide my heart is with you

Hugs

Johnny

Link to comment

Dear Mandy,

As JJ said my heart is with you! This is a great first step towards compromise with the wife and even though I can't really give you advice, please don't try to give up your transition or your self to work things out with her. You know what you need to do to live and you know who you are. Compromise is fine but don't abandon Amanda.

It's great that she wants to go to Therapy with you and it's also great that she is willing to compromise and work with you. It seems you've got your foot in the door and maybe when she can actually see, over time what a positive thing this is for you and can share her concerns in therapy with you that she will be able to come more to terms, at least with the HRT part. I hope so... I really do.

*Hugs*

~Jade.

Link to comment
Guest Shari

Hi Mandy,

You've been on my mind and in my heart for days. I ran into a little trouble in my marriage because I wasn't able to express what my wife should do. Our conversations were always about what I could do and what I couldn't do. We never got around to discussing her role. Do you want your wife to be your lover, confidant, helper, partner, best friend, supporter or to be a bystander setting the rules? When you started, were you counting on her to help you through the rough spots or was she already Mandy's enemy in your private thoughts?

All I'm saying is that a strong relationship requires participation on both sides. Something to think about.

Hugs,

Shari

Link to comment
Guest Amanda Whyte

I luv all of yall!!!

As far as religion goes, I need to go to church more often but I am not scared for myself in that regard. I just hate knowing my parents are in pain. Wether they are misguided or not they do think I am doing something that is horrible and taking me down the wrong path that leads down there.

I know I could be fooling myself and my wife could be a great actress but I think she never thought I would leave instead of give up. Now she knows and we are working on things. I am not going to give in to any of my conditions. I know I really cant. If I did my thoughts would always be consumed with what could have been. I know how I react to that and I would sabatoge my life, again. I also am hoping she comes to accept Mandy but will just work with her for us to find a place that we can accept each other no matter where that is. I also realise that somewhere down the road, we may find that this isnt working and split up anyway. If that happens, I hope that we would have gotten anger and resentment and seperate on friendly terms.

We are talking dayly. If anyone is reading this that is newer than I am my suggestion is:

No matter what never stop talking! My wife and I got to a point where it was the elephant in the room but never discussed it. I was waiting for her to bring it up and she was waiting for me. Dont do this. This is a major thing in a relationships and it probably should be discussed, if not every day, then every few days.

Thanx everyone,

Mandy

Link to comment
Guest angels wings

Im sorry to hear And i hope the best for u and ur family . As a wife to my partner i too went through many emotions and yes communication is the key . I also asked my partner to take it slow not because i didnt want her to be the real her but because i needed to work through all my feelings and try and make sense of it . The pain i went through was enourmous after 18 yrs of marriage it takes a strong person to work through things . See my partner had many years to know what she wanted were as i have known since the end of last year . Time does heal but so does love and understanding . Meaning i felt like i had to understand it all but no one understood my pain . Coming to Lauras has been such a massive help . Why ? Well first we have wonderful people who are in the same journey who truely understand not just my side but my partners too. Reading other peoples posts and learning more has helped me . Also the forum for partners is a great place to share ur hurts and not feel alone . Maybe ur wife could join and she will see the warmth and understanding amoungst us all and not feel she is alone . I too went to therapy with my partner and although some sessions i was a total mess after it im glad i went it wasnt abot me it was about her , through it all i learned so much and some things took a while to filter. I have joined her in her journey all the way . We too had problems the pain to communicate at times was so hard but u have to break those barriers and work togther as a team . Yes its ur journey ur transition but as wives its our journey to and we too transition with our partners. I wish u and ur wife from my heart all the best .

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 125 Guests (See full list)

    • Maddee
    • Jet McCartney
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MaeBe
    • Chloe Summer
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      It's awesome that you have had such a great friend in your life! I could only imagine what losing felt like to you. It's neat that you worked for the airlines. Did you take advantage of the space availability fights? My dad worked for Northwest and always flew every single summer except one where we drove from north Mississippi to Phoenix, AZ. My parents agreed to never do that again lol. 
    • Ashley0616
      The trans community won't be good under Trump at all. Biden is the one who has done more for the trans community than any other presidents. Last time Trump was in office he was at an LGBTQ rally and his support went quickly away from us because the majority of the voters are anti trans. He is going to get rid of our rights and also come after the rest of LGBTQ.  I don't know where you heard we would be better under Trump.    Trump unveils sweeping attack on trans rights ahead of 2024 (axios.com)   Trump Promises to Go After Trans People if Re-Elected (vice.com)   Trump promises to ban transgender women from sports if re-elected (nbcnews.com)
    • Sally Stone
      Post 7 “The Pittsburgh Years” When I retired from the Army, we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because I had been hired by US Airways to work in their flight training department.  The transition to civilian life was a bit of an adjustment, but I never really looked back.  At the same time, I was excited at the prospect of having more Sally time. But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I agree.  But sometimes unethical conduct must still be legal, because the cure would be worse than the disease.  One problem we have today with the internet is the trolls can gang up on someone and destroy them - we see the with school bullying as well.   He was in the Southern Baptist Convention, and maybe he should have moved his church over to say the American Baptists, who might have been able to help him. A Southern Baptist pastor is king in his church, peerless, which means he could not have gone for help in his church.  And he could not have gone for help from any other pastor in the SBC because they likely affirm the SBC statements on these matters.  I think he was stuck.    I read this when it came out in the news.  Very sad situation.  
    • Carolyn Marie
      One organization that I know of that is dedicated to assisting LGBT seniors is SAGE.  They advocate for, and have services for, all LGBT folks, not just trans folk.  You can find their website Here.  I am not sure what, if anything, they have in terms of financial assistance.  I'll let you know if I find anything else.   Carolyn Marie
    • Davie
    • VickySGV
      This was an angle that I was very suspicious of as well, and may be the hook on which the settlement was hung.      Not at all strange especially if they had former patients who moved there that still owed money on their bills or they were buying hospital supplies from a Texas corporation. They may have business licenses in other states as well.  Small loss, but saxeT shot itself in the foot there since the license was a source of income to the state. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...