I have no idea

[Guest superglucose]

I really have no idea who I am.

When I was a really young pup, around the age of... 5. Yeah, 5. I had a batman birthday cake. No, wait, i was 4. *thinks, definitely four. Right, so when I was four I got a bunch of Batman stuff for my birthday... you know, the batmobile (it had like the batplane in it and it was SO COOL!) but I also got a Catwoman toy... and she was my favorite. As my mom said at the time, "when James came up to me and said 'I like cat woman because she has these' {and pointed to her boobies} I knew I had my work cut out for me."

Turns out; though, she was unbelievably wrong.

The rest of my childhood looking back is a haze... wanting to be a girl, wanting to join the girlscouts, wanting to wear girl's clothing, wanting to wear makeup and be pretty. My favorite ranger was the pink ranger, and whenever I played my Power Rangers video game, I was always the pink ranger. Of course it didn't hurt that she had a bow as her weapon and flew a pterodactyl... flying and archery have always appealed to me. Hot pink was always my favorite.

Of course my mom managed to instill in me that being a man was "better." Not because men were better, of course, but because they were treated better by society. All that fighting and all that struggle... of course whenever we played "House" I wanted to be the mommy. I've always wanted to have kids... if you get my drift.

At the same time I'm handsome and I have working bits and pieces and would kind of like to keep them that way. I look really manly and sound really manly and can pull off really manly, and people look to me for manvice. That's... super cool, you know?

But on the other hand... I spent about 5 months on a chatroom letting people think I was a girl. It was... great. Liberating. Wonderful. I felt pretty and wanted and liked for just about the first time ever. Sure there were a few awkward moments where some jackass asked me if I got PMS (Wombaticus the moderator's response: "Of COURSE she gets PMs! We all get PMs! Hell, you have to use PMs to talk about spoilers! {person} has been banned for 2 hours.") (if you miss the joke, PMs are private messages) or I got hit on, but those were relatively easy to shrug off because the rest of the time it felt so... right.

I also know; however, that it'll never be me. I'll never have the bits and pieces that I want. This isn't, of course, to say that people aren't women if they aren't born with all the bits and pieces because that's an absurd statement to make... but it is to say that *I* wouldn't feel like a woman without the bits and pieces.

So I guess I'll just truck on, hitting weird dysphoric moment after weird dysphoric moment, hearing stories about trans people who got their hormone treatments before puberty and being mad jelly... while cultivating this awesome full beard.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Playground, you definitely have a background that fits you in to the group. I am not too sure about the beard thing, but it may not be a problem in the long run!! Some of the transmen will find it as a goal to attain. A lot of people come here with the attitude they cannot do what it takes to become their real selves, only to use the resources we have here, and find out that they honestly can do it with a bit of work and a lot of dreaming and did I say working too?

Please be sure to read the Terms and Conditions which you can get to by the link at the lowest right hand corner of any of the forums, or its called Rules and Guidelines at the top of the General Forums group. Only people who are 13 to 24 can initate posts in the Teens forum, but anyone can reply there. Feel free to start topics in any of the other Forums, ask questions of, or give your helpful opinion to anyone or any topic. We moderate all posts by the members here, and use the Terms and Conditions as the standard for approving the posts. We do have people as young as 13 on the Playground here, and so we need to keep things so their parents can look over their shoulders and not take them offline. IE language is PG or PG13. Again, welcome.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi SuperGlucose

<<< hug >>>

It is so nice to meet you

Welcome to the playground

vanna

[Guest superglucose]

I really... don't want... to be trans though. Really don't.

[Guest Jo-88]

I really... don't want... to be trans though. Really don't.

most of us don't... its just part of life. Btw until about 5 months ago (2 months on HRT at that point) I had been rocking a full beard for almost 6 years... if your gonna be a guy you might as well have an epic beard, thats my opinion anyway haha. Anyway, welcome!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, hon. Nice to see another Californian here.

Like Jodie said, none of us want to be trans. It isn't a choice, it is who we are, just like we don't choose to be short, or tall, or have brown eyes or blue. We can repress it, we can try to run away from it, but we can never truly escape it. Then again, since it doesn't sound like you've ever seen a gender therapist, its entirely possible that you are not trans. One can't always tell just from thinking about it or playing on line games. Sounds like a g.t. is in your future if you ever want to know for sure.

As far as the "bits and pieces," well, you can have just about all the bits that a cisgen woman has, except for the ovaries and other parts necessary for procreation. That won't get you 100 percent of the way there, but it will get you 90-95 percent. That's close enough for most of us who want to go in that direction.

Keep asking questions, reading the posts, checking out the links, and learning all you can. We're here to help, and hey, we're not even from the government.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mia J]

Hello and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

I'll echo Carolyn and Jodie. None of us want to be trans. Many of us, like you, have struggled all of our lives trying to exist in the body we were born in. There are many trans folks who can do that and make a good life for themselves. But there are also many who just reach a point that they need to explore and possibly transition or else.

Seeing a gender therapist is a great way to start to figure things out. The will work with you and help you decide just where you are and what you need to do.

Mia

[Guest KarenLyn]

Hi! And welcome to Laura's. You know, nothing you've said means you absolutely have to be trans. Unless there are some therapists lurking, there really isn't anyone who can make that call. I think as long as you're comfortable being where you are with feelings for both male and female, just relax and enjoy it. I'm sure it gives you a perspective most of us can't even imagine.

Karen