Jump to content


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Nolan

strange experience, feel ashamed because of it...

Recommended Posts

Guest Nolan

I have been a practicing wiccan since i was 13 (now 18) and i am deeply connected to the Lord and Lady. But ive always felt closer to my masculine side, it resonates brighter and it was an indicator of me being transgender. But i feel like im almost betraying my faith and the Goddess, which i know is not true, though i still tend to worry when i talk to other wiccans or pagans about rituals or other practices. I still love and respect Her, i feel Her with me all the time, but His energy completes me and i feel more power in His presence. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

I'm afraid I can't help you, Nolan, but I can post this reply to make sure your post sticks around long enough for some other Wiccans to see it. We do have a few, including at least one Moderator I know of.


Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

Going to answer even though I'm not Wiccan. I am a pagan, though, and practiced Wicca during my late teens before I found my present path.

The important thing to remember is that there are many paths and many aspects to deity. It's not unusual to feel more drawn to one particular divine aspect/archetype/god/goddess than another. That doesn't mean you won't want to honor both/all in their appropriate time, or that you won't be called to change your path again later.

My point is, if you need to focus on that male energy, you're not going to offend your Lady. It's not a betrayal of poly/pantheism to be more focused on a particular aspect/deity. There's undoubtedly someone or other more exclusively focused on Goddess who balances you.

Our spirtual paths can help us foster our inner identities, whether or not we're able to express them outwardly. Dance the dance, and follow where it goes. Sooner or later, it'll come back around.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K

Hi hon - I am that Wiccan moderator - grin.

Of course you identify with the God rather than the Goddess. I am MTF and am exactly the other way!

Let me help here if I can, I have been a Practitioner for 18 years (I know - about as long as you have been around - strangely enough). What you can do is think of it this way - GOD - GODDESS - SPIRIT. All three are Aspects of the CREATOR. The Creator is not human - nor does the Creator have a gender.


The Creator has given us a way to know - a way to seek the understanding of the Creator. This is by giving us - we humans - a spirituality. I mean, a way to understand the WHY of our existence. Otherwise we are like the animals of this earth - with a mind and soul but no wisdom - no sense of self.

The Christian-Judea -Islam-etc religions have captured "GOD" and has tangled Him up in dogma and superstition. God of Christianity is an especially Masculine Aspect - just as the Goddess of our belief is the Feminine Aspect. But in our Wicca we steal "God" back from the Christians and make Him accessible again, just as the Goddess is so easily accessible. (In the Catholic faith 'Mother Mary" is the Goddess)

So there is the third Aspect of the Creator - "Spirit." This is of the Earth. It is GAEA, also Mother Natures. GAEA is a living Aspect of the Creator because the earth is not infinite and will eventually cease to exist.

So we identify with the Aspect of the CREATOR we can understand. You are apparently male in your heart and soul. What you wrote on your feelings is perfectly fine and I am sure the CREATOR understands exactly - after all, the Creator is the light - and you are a child of the light. Be in harmony and go in peace.

Blessed Be!


Share this post

Link to post
Guest SaleneAlexis

I have been practicing Wicca for the past nine years and Lizzy is right dead on! I need to say nothing more!

Blessed Be and Walk in Light always


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Mia J

Hi Nolan,

I am also a Wiccan moderator.

What Lizzie says is good stuff.

I have been Wiccan from my college days in 1970. I have always felt more drawn to the goddess aspects which is what led me to Wicca in the first place. For many years I avoided the god aspects or just paid them lip service. This even went to the extent of avoiding participating in men's groups in the community.

I was drawn between thinking this was because of my gender issues or was it from being in a society that concentrated so much on the male aspects deity. At first it may have been some of both.

After many years I came to embrace the gods along with the goddess as equals each with wonderful and needed qualities.

I think your desire to be drawn more to the male or god aspects are very normal and in line with your gender issues.

Blessed Be

Merry Meet


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K

Oops - sorry Mia - I forgot you too are Wiccan!


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Syamantaka

Greetings and Glad Tidings This is a Re-Post from a gathering of groups.

Hope it helps. You are not alone.

Know that although our evolutionary process is rapidly accelerating, along

with the New higher energies, we are all experiencing these changes in our

own way and in our own time, according to who we are. And generally

speaking, our ascension process relates to how we each run our own

individual energy, and what our beliefs and experiences are (in other words,

how we vibrate).These things can be changed and will also change

automatically as we clear and embody more light within ourselves. May your

evolutionary process be joyous, peaceful and filled with light and wonder!

1. Feeling as though you are in a pressure cooker or in intense energy;

feeling stress. Remember, you are adjusting to a higher vibration and you

will eventually adjust. Old patterns, behaviors and beliefs are also being

pushed to the surface. There is a lot going on inside of you!

2. A feeling of disorientation; not knowing where you are; a loss of a sense

of place. You are not in 3D anymore, as you have moved or in the process of

moving into the higher realms.

3. Unusual aches and pains throughout different parts of your body. You are

purifying and releasing blocked energy vibrating at 3D while you are

vibrating in a higher dimension.

4. Waking at night between 2 and 4 a.m. Much is going on in your dream

state. You can't be there for long lengths of time and need a break. Also,

more highly evolved individuals spend more time on the Earth plane, and you

are highly evolving.

5. Periods of deep sleeping. You are resting from all the acclimating and

are integrating, as well as building up for the next phase.

6. Heightened sensitivities to your surroundings. Crowds, noise, foods, TV,

other human voices and various other stimulations are barely tolerable. You

also overwhelm very easily and become easily overstimulated. You are tuning


7. You don't feel like doing anything. You are in a rest period. Your body

knows what it needs.

8. An intolerance for lower vibrational things (of the 3D) reflected in

conversations, attitudes, societal structures, healing modalities, etc. They

literally make you feel "sick" inside. You are in a higher vibration and

your energies are no longer in alignment. You are being "pushed" to move


9. A loss of desire for food. Your body is adjusting to a new, higher state

of being. Also, part of you does not want to be here anymore.

10. A sudden disappearance of friends, activities, habits, jobs and

residences. You are evolving beyond what you used to be, and these people

and surroundings no longer match your vibration. The New will soon arrive

and feel so-o-o-o much better!

11. You absolutely cannot do certain things anymore. When you try to do your

usual routine and activities, it feels downright awful. Same as above.

12. Days of extreme fatigue. Your body is losing density and going through

intense restructuring.

13. A need to eat often along with what feels like attacks of low blood

sugar. Weight gain. You are requiring an enormous amount of fuel for this

ascension process.

14. Experiencing emotional ups and downs; weeping. Our emotions are our

outlet for release, and we releasing a lot.

15. A wanting to go Home, as if everything is OVER and you don't belong here

anymore. We are returning to Source. Everything IS over. (But many of us are

staying to experience and create the New World). Also, our old contracts

have been completed.

16. Feeling you are going insane, or must be developing a mental illness of

some sort. You are rapidly experiencing several dimensions and greatly

opening. Much is available to you now. You are just not used to it. Your awa

reness has been heightened and your barriers are gone.

17. Anxiety and panic. Your ego is losing much of itself and is afraid. Your

system is also on overload. Things are happening to you that you may not

understand. You are also losing behavior patterns of a lower vibration that

you developed for survival in 3D. This may make you feel vulnerable and

powerless. These patterns and behaviors you are losing are not needed in the

higher realms.

18. Depression. The outer world may not be in alignment with the New, higher

vibrational you. It doesn't feel so good out there. You are also releasing.

19. Vivid, wild and sometimes violent dreams. You are releasing many, many

lifetimes of lower vibrational energy. Many are now reporting that they are

experiencing beautiful dreams.

20. Your plans suddenly change in mid-stream and go in a completely

different direction. Your soul is balancing out your energy. It usually

feels GREAT in this new direction, as your soul knows more than you do! It

is breaking your "rut" choices and vibration.

21. You have created a situation that seems like your worst nightmare,

with many "worst nightmare" aspects to it. Your soul is guiding you into

"stretching" into aspects of yourself where you were lacking, or into

"toning down" aspects where you had an overabundance. Your energy is just

balancing itself. Finding your way to peace through this situation is the

test you have set up for yourself. This is YOUR journey, and your soul would

not have set it up if you weren't ready. You are the one who finds your way

out and you will. Looking back, you will have gratitude for the experience

and be a different person.

Dizziness – Occurs due to being ungrounded. This can happen when you have just cleared an emotional block and the body has not yet completely embraced its new frequency. Eating grounding foods like meat and potatoes will help.

Flu-like symptoms – Fevers that are temporary often accompanied by sweating, aching bones and joints.

Red rash – Small fears that erupt and can occur on any part of the body. This happens when there is an issue up to be released and you are squelching it because you don’t want to rock the boat or make a scene. The little blisters represent your inner child’s anger and not being allowed to express.

Ringing in the ears – This can drive you to distraction, but these sounds are just you picking up frequency changes.

Heart palpitations – As you clear old issues your heart opens. This opening is experienced as a racing heart. Only lasts a few seconds. No, you are not having a heart attack. The heart must also rebalance itself after an emotional release.

Vibrating of the physical body – This is especially disconcerting. Many of you may think that you are being abducted since this usually happens at night and is a part of the process of being moved back and forth to and from the ships. In this case, it is not. It is simply the body adjusting to DNA upgrades that occur after emotional clearing.

Muscle spasms – These spasms can be intense and many are felt in the upper back. They are caused by emotional imbalances that occur when you take on the emotional burden of others in order to be accepted and loved. These will decrease as you learn new behaviors that support allowing others to feel their pain without rescuing them.

Tingling in arms, hands, and feet – More DNA changes due to energy centers clearing and realigning.

Tiredness/Needing to sleep – DNA changes. Your body needs rest to integrate the changes occurring at the cellular level. I recommend that you adjust your schedule to accommodate an afternoon nap. Make it a priority. You will find that you are more productive afterwards.

Faster hair/nail growth – Since the activation of the Compassion hormone in November 1996, more protein is being used in the body. Protein is used by the high heart in the transmutation of lower chakra emotions into compassion. Compassion is the emotion that changes your DNA. A by-product of this is that your hair and nails grow faster.

Weight gain- This occurs because many fears that have been held in check are coming up to be integrated. When this happens the inner child moves to protect itself by putting on armor. This armor will be released when the fear is integrated. As a result, many experience weight fluctuation.

Frequent memory lapses – This can be a real irritation. Understand that it is partially due to the magnetic grid wobbling and also to the shifting occurring in the brain.

”This Fifth World that we are entering means that each person must use their gifts of birth to accomplish their missions in life, and this is the contribution that each one is obliged to offer. Everyone has a place on the Great Medicine Wheel of Truth.”

- Grandmother Twylah, Seneca-Oneida

Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 11 Guests (See full list)

    • Nihil
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      Gender Dysphoria can be overcome, but there are going to moments you do not believe that.  A good gender therapist can help you find the escape route from the "inescapable hell" you talk about here.  You escape the hell by coming out to people, including therapists and starting to live your authentic life.  It sounds like one hell is now partially behind you with your father out of the picture.  Gender Dysphoria does go away as you start to live as yourself and see yourself in the mirror growing more and more like someone you can at last see and love.
    • Rachel Gia
      I think talking to someone about it really helps and the ease with your body will come as you let people in that are safe. Being Gender dysphoric is no walk in the park but my personal experience is that the dysphoria subsided as I settled into who I was. I think you will find the same relief along the way as others have. Rachel
    • Wendy
      My gender theripist saved my life.  I had an epifiny The pain you leave if you do something bad to yourse lfneverrealy heals Thescaresyou leaveyourfamilyThe decision to goto a gender theripist saved my lifeand allowed me to transition Something I had never felt I could do.My life s much better now It really does get better
    • Charlize
      Lovely to hear that your wife is sticking it out with you.  i took my wife time as well but with time we are doing better than  ever. Thanks for sharing your journey.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • MaryEllen
      Hello Alice,   Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.   Although you say you're opposed to seeing a gender therapist, that is something you really should do. He or she could help you get out of this depression you're in and set you on a path toward finding a solution to your trans issues.    MaryEllen
    • Nihil
      I am currently reading The Brothers Karamazov. Written by the legendary Russian author Dostoievsky, it tells the story of a despicable man who spent his entire existence indulging in sex and debauchery while manipulating others (especially his wives) and the murder committed by one of four sons (one of them is an illegitimated son). It's probably one of the most mesmerizing novels I've ever read in my life. I have already been fascinated by Dostoievsky's works (Notes from Underground, Crime and Punishment, The Idiot, The Demons) but The Brothers Karamazov shows the Russian author at the peak of his talent. I can't wait to continue this long story.    I also finished recently Novel With Cocaine another Russian book written by a mysterious whose identity has been hidden for many, many years (he used the name M. Aguéev when he wrote his book but his real name is in fact Mark Levi). This masterpiece depicts wonderfully the downright spiral of a young teenager in cocaine after his failed relationship with a woman he was insanely in love with. It's extremely gloomy and deprived from any glimpse of hope as ephemeral as it is, and it's written in a disillusioned style that makes the novel strangely fascinating. Vadim, the main character of this book, is someone quite detestable.
    • Nihil
      Hi everyone,    Since I am new there (I just created an account this night), I thought it'd be wise of me to create a thread in order to introduce myself and to talk about my wonderful, idyllic existence. First of all I wanted to clarify one thing : I am not a native speaker. Therefore I apologize in advance if my writing style might be a little confusing for those who are going to read me. However I will try to be as understandable as possible. My current nickname is Nihil but the name's Alice. Feel free to call me whatever you want. I am a young transgender woman from France who is still in her twenties and, surprise, is struggling with a dysfunctional mental health due to her depression and her gender identity issues.    During my childhood I have always felt something was wrong with me. Being born in a family that was the total opposite of who I was deep down I've been aware at an early age about the excruciating gap between my mind and this body that was supposed to be me. I didn't relate with the gender that I've been assigned to me at my birth. I didn't understand concepts such as manliness my father was so proud to exhibit. My father was the absolute archetype of the douchebag whose hatred towards women was beyond all rationality. He thought women were mere tools destined to serve him and my mother was so submissive with him. I thoroughly hated my father, being ashamed of being of the same blood as his. Of course, coming out of the closet with a father as violent as ruthless would have undoubtedly killed me. At school I wee extremely introverted. I didn't like being around people since I thought me and the rest of my allegedly comrades weren't really on the same wavelength. I only felt good and relieved when I were freed to be all alone in my inner world. Lost deep down the inner depths of my inner world I could be enhanced with a sense of absolute freedom I loved from the bottom of my heart. I was free to create everything in my mind. Each fragment of my imagination could give birth to a myriad of otherworldly stories that felt astonishingly more real than this reality I feel so estranged to. I spent more in my existence extending my imagination than to be immersed in the outside world. It's still the case nowadays. Reality has always been something both odd and ominous. Everything feels so noisy and incomprehensible to me out there. Going through puberty during my lonely adolescence was one of the most nightmarish experiences in my entire life. I felt my body being disfigured by testosterone (how I loath this world) as if I were being torn apart by a frightening curse. Powerlessness was seething through my entire being, and I didn't know what I supposed to be in order to put an end to this abomination. 

      I've always hated my body or my genes. Not only because I was born from the semen of someone I despise vehemently, but also because my body is the absolute opposite of who I am deep inside. When your bod and your mind are in total contradiction, feeling bliss or happiness in those circumstances become something impossible like a mere chimera. I tried to deny for so many, many years to deny my true nature. Alas, denying the fact that you're a trans is delusional despite those who think that transition is delusional. That's quite the reserve. To me, denying being trans means being condemned to a slow death. I fell into depression and my suicidal tendencies become rapidly unbearable. I've reached a point in my existence I spent each fragment of my life wandering through a state of horrendous depersonalization where I've felt like a broken doll torn to pieces, a little pile of rotten flesh burnt to ashes as if I didn't even exist. I prayed for my death, wishing to be free from this nightmare that seemed to be everlasting. Watching my reflection in front of a mirror was something I couldn't tolerate. Who was this person supposed to be? It couldn't be possible. I didn't understand how I could be this man. My reflection showed me the reflection of a person who was estranged to me.    After several years of abuse that left me broken, my father disappeared after he betrayed me and my mother. Since there my depression worsened dramatically. My depression is so violent that even the thought of going to a gender therapist in order to begin a transition seems to me impossible. But I know I can't go on like this. I can't imagine something more horrible than being forced to live a life that is not your. It's horrendously depressing as if you were trapped in a downright spiral of self-loathing and absolute solitude.    Thanks for reading me.
    • Charlize
      It is in great shape!.  I love the hood ornament.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • MaryMary
      I think it,s great that she can do what she want. She is very courageous to do that. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mere-exposure_effect
    • TessaOKC
      So proud of you Sharon!!!!   Tess
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. KaraIndiana
      (40 years old)
    2. Roobert1111
      (27 years old)
    3. theophobia
      (19 years old)
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • TransPulse Partners