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Guest Shayna

Only anger and hate left

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Guest Shayna

I feel so miserable. I'm almost 23 now, and I have been depressed since I was 17. I ran away from home my Senior year after Christmas break, but Came back a week later because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I wanted to stay away for a few months, but I couldn't hurt my dad that much, so I came back. When I got back I dropped out of school and got my GED, because the thought of having to spend another day in that horrible place made (makes) me sick. The first few months after I dropped out, I had dreams about having to be back there forever, and then I'd wake up and have to go throw up in the bathroom.

The last several years I've been getting worse and worse. I quit my job 3 years ago and have been unemployed since then. I tried college, but didn't like it and haven't been able to find any subject I'd like to study. Now a days, I sleep 14-16 hrs/day and don't usually wake up until 9pm. I wake up and feel horrible so I hide under my covers and try to sleep longer. The time I do spend awake, I spend in my room, on the internet trying to distract myself from life. I hate leaving the house and only do so every couple of weeks. I've always been extremely introverted and I have horrible social anxiety, which has prevented me from doing a lot of things. Some days I can't even make it out of bed and end up laying there and just sleeping 24+ hours.

I can't stand the sound of people's voices, hearing them makes me want to hurt people. I'm bi polar, which really screws me up, as the emotional swings are huge. An example of this would be a year ago, where I was laying in bed and really mad and depressed, and was thinking of where to place a Browning machine gun in my local Walmart, so that I could kill as many people as possible. Well, I get out of bed and go to my computer desk and start doodling in a notebook, but a few minutes later, I see a page that has a bent corner and I start crying, because I felt that the page was hurt/in pain. It was a complete 180 of feelings in a matter of minutes, and I hate it. My dreams of high school have gone from me being depressed in them, to me getting really mad and killing as many people as I can as I run out of the building.

I've been alone most of my life. I've always tried to make friends with the new kids and I was always nice to everyone, but I refuse to do things I don't want to/don't feel are right. My "friends" would try to get me to join in with them and do bad stuff, but I always refused to do it, which led to me having no friends. I was always really sensitive and got picked on for it, but I always tried to stand up for the kids that would get picked on for being a little different. Of course this just led to me getting made fun of more :(.

My parents and friends know that I'm trans, but I don't present as one. Ever since my failure to transition 8+ months ago, I've had huge amounts of anger in me. Looking into the mirror and knowing that I had failed to transition felt so horrible. I just wanted to go grab my brothers gun and shoot myself in the head for being a failure. I didn't do that, but months later, I tried killing myself, which was obviously wasn't successful.

I'm so angry all the time and devoid of the love, sensitivity, and kindness I once had. I don't even feel alive anymore. I hate everything and everyone. I use to feel love when I would see another trans person on the internet, now I just feel anger, hate, jealousy, and sadness, which is why I haven't been to this site for a while. I haven't had a real relationship with another person for so long It feels horrible. With all the issues I have, I obviously can't get anyone to date me, but god do I long for real life affection from someone. I want to touch, cuddle, have sex, and talk with someone in real life. I so desperately need someone to inject some life into my life. Of course I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, so I'll never find anyone. I'm introverted, shy, nerdy, and I don't drink, so I'm even more isolated.

I feel so much hate towards people, but I don't think that's the real me. I really just want to love everyone and be kind, which is why I hate myself so much for having mean feelings toward other people, especially trans people. Idk about anything anymore, I'm just tried, depressed, and mad. At this rate, there's no way I can make it to my 24th birthday.

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~Nova~

Shayna,

I understand your pain, but please do not take your sadness out on others. Please seek help ASAP.

I am not a grief counselor and I really do not know HOW to help you. I can tell you you are not alone, but a person in crisis and hurting. I urge you to seek medical/psychological help ASAP.

Please do not hurt yourself or someone else.

Autumn

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Guest Amelia

I was in a similar state a couple months ago. Along with bipolarism in my case, it was social anxiety while being home-schooled, and I started to think similarly to what you just described. I felt angry at the world and felt like even more of an outcast. Once I realized I needed to stop suppressing these transgender feelings, things slowly got better. Perhaps the problems you had with transitioning are contributing to the worsening of your situation.

In my book, (though I haven't started transitioning yet) you can't "fail" at transitioning. You may have rough patches, but you pick yourself up and persevere. You're going to have to keep trying and trying to live the life you want to live.

Are you in therapy? I sure hope so, because these thoughts of harming yourself and others need to be controlled before transitioning.

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MaryEllen

You certainly appear to be in a state of severe depression. Have you seen a doctor about this? There are medications that will help. I would urge you to seek medical and/or psychiatric help as soon as possible. Stay with us and keep posting your feelings. We care and we'll do our best to help.

MaryEllen

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Guest Shayna

Thanks for the replies. I did see a doctor sometime last year, but stopped going after a few months. He prescribed me Zoloft but after after a few months I didn't get better, so I stopped taking it. I didn't tell him anything other than I was depressed and had anxiety, because I didn't want to have to see a therapist. I completely stopped going to the doctor because I hate hospital places and I was feeling horrible. I didn't even want to go the first time, but my mom basically dragged me there. I hold all my emotions in and am not able to open up to anyone, so there's no way I could handle going to see a therapist. Even if I wanted to, My anxiety is so bad these days there's no way I could even go into the building to see the person.

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Guest Jenny C

Dear Shayna,

It seems like you have been hurt a lot.

People can be harsh and feeling rejected is a terrible thing. All that can explain your anxiety and apprehension toward society and, in a sens, justify your isolation.

BUT you absolutely have to do a move to get help. (you can go to crisis room on the chat here at Laura's...)

You are caught in a kind of vicious circle... THe more you isolate yourself, the more you'll feel anxious of going out...

Most people are initially afraid or cautious when thinking to go to therapy... But just doing it is most of the time a liberation. Taking care of ourselves and having someone there, just for us, to help us... In fact in can be seen as a great privilege...

About anti-depressants, there are many different kinds... So if one does not work for you, you must go and see your doctor as soon as possible, to get the dosage readjusted or to have another one prescribed...

But it's not the only thing needed... Therapy is essential to help ourselves see clearly what are our choices and options... and get support to do the good moves...

Having such negative thoughts as you stated is not a problems... Thoughts are not the problem... They are there to express something... your distress...

But sometime we can get caught by them.... And we cultivate them and finally believe them... That's the danger... Do not let those thoughts control you !!! You are not that and all that is not necessary nor the truth...

I think it is very urgent you get help !!! Here, ok... But outside of here especially.

Go see your doctor and a therapist and speak the truth !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You owe that to yourself...

With those small steps, you are putting in place the bases so that you regain control over your life...

What you have perceived as a failure in your transition is probably just part of the process... It is normal, it takes time and an incredible determination...

Give yourself time...

Love,

Jenny

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Guest Shayna

I'm trying to think positive and just try to take everything a day at a time, but it's so hard when I basically have no desire to do anything or see anyone. I don't even have the desire to leave the house. I can't even find joy in doing stuff I use to love doing. I do it for about 10 minutes and then I'll start feeling crappy and so I'll just stop doing it and go lay down or stare blankly into the computer screen. The only thing that makes me feel like leaving the house is that I would like a partner, but I know that looking for one is futile. Even if I found someone that I like, no one would want to be with me. Even just thinking about having a partner makes me feel sick, because I know that all my issues will drag that person down and hurt their life and I don't want that. It seems like no matter what I do I'm destined to pain/failure, so why even try.

As far as giving myself another chance, I did that when I decided to run away my senior year instead of killing myself. Since then, I have repeatedly failed and dissapointed my friends and family and have done absolutely nothing worthy of me receiving another chance. I have made sure to punish myself when I don't accomplish what I'm suppose to, but that hasn't helped in actually getting me to accomplish something. There has to be an off switch that I can hit that just makes me pass out or go into a coma or something, because that's what I really want.

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JJ

As anyone who reads my posts knows I am a huge proponent on positive attitude. It determines your life. Completely

BUT before you can do that I believe there is something else you have to do. Or it's impossible. You have to forgive yourself. You have been asked to do the impossible all your life. To meet expectations that you can't. Some part of us always feels off and wrong all our lives. It isolates us and causes massive pain and we blame ourselves that we just can't do anything right or ever feel right. We feel doomed and broken. Neither is true.

It doesn't have to be that way. It is NOT your fault - this is a birth defect. One that is only just beginning to be understood but it is devastating till we realize and face that. When I realized I was trans I reached a day when I finally forgave myself-saw that I had always done my best. Tried so hard but was trying to do the impossible.

You CAN have a good life and you can find a way to become who you need to be and the difference is beyond my powers of description. I had been suicidally depressed for half a century. On every class of medication. And I am only alive because some higher power would not let me die. I should have. I know how it feels. And I know that I am no longer depressed though my Drs had said it was a genetic imbalance in brain chemistry and I would be on medication for life. They were wrong. They didn't know about me being trans or the stress that caused. Didn't know my brain was struggling along on the wrong hormones.

Life without depression is wonderful. Life as yourself is fantastic. Worth every moment of the pain and despair you have suffered. I know that sounds impossible but it is true.

And it was utterly impossible for me to transition. I was 63, beyond broke, bedridden and dying. Hopeless. Don't know how I ever made the decision to try. Higher power I suppose. But I had noting to lose anyway so I decided to try my best to transition. That was January 2011. Now I am full time and 100% seen as male. I am free of my prison and the darkness that so long and so often washed over me. That huge pool of sorrow has drained away. I am also 180 lbs lighter and I am physically fit for my age-maybe even more than most men. I am happy.

I'm not extraordinary. What I did apparently is, but only because I forgave myself and decided to try each day to do my best and see how far I could go.

You are younger and stronger to begin with. You have a future I do not and you can do the same thing. If I can then anyone can. I promise you it can be done and you can do it

Take one day, one hour, one moment at a time and give it your best. What do you have to lose? You have the world to gain. A better world and a better life than you can really imagine. Not perfect or free from pain or struggle but a world that is right as you yourself are right at last.

It's worth it. And if you need meds to get the brain chemistry back so you can start the journey there is no shame or problem with that. But ultimately the answer has to come from you. Only you can fix what's wrong but you CAN fix it

Johnny

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Guest Jenny C

Amen. I totally agree with Johnny.

And the first step is to have compassion to yourself.

I also understand to believe no one will love us as we are... That's not true... But it might take more patience but life is mysterious and we never know...

You can my dear.

Love,

Jenny

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Guest Shayna

Thanks for the replies and the your story JJ. Congratulations on transitioning :). I'm trying stop myself from looking to far into the future and from constantly looking back and critiquing every word and step I've made. I'm going to try to ignore all the negative thoughts I have and try to enjoy life on a more day to day basis from now on. I'm going to try to change things a step at a time instead of trying to change everything at once and then getting mad/depressed when I fail. Ultimately, I'd like to have my own family and be able to get up in the morning and feel good about myself and my life.

I think posting here was a good step in the right direction, so thanks everyone for your kind words.

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