Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest NadineB

hoping for the end

14 posts in this topic

This morning I stood in the bathroom, an extension cord was tied into a loop and the two ends were thread over the top of the door. The loop was around my neck..........I stood like that for what felt like hours, just couldnt sit down, as much as I really wanted to.

I honestly believe that there is no place for me in this world. I have been in a severe depression since august of last year. It is only getting worse. I am taking an anti-depressant, I dont think it is working, if I forget my morning dose, with in a few hours I am reduced to tears, feeling totally hopeless, like I dont have anything left to live for. I get very anxious, but cant take the usual anti-anxiety meds, they make me extremely agitated and angry, to the point that I break stuff in a rage.

I wake up every morning at 5am, I never get more than 5 hrs of sleep a day, unless I take sedatives. Then I sit around with my thoughts, I cry all the time. There is so much bothering me and eating away at me, I wish I could just turn my back on it all and move on, but forward is not an option for me. I have lost everything in the last year, except for my loving wife. She has been there for me and supported me through my whole transition. She loves me no matter what, and that is the thing that hurts the most. I love her very much, but I am not attracted to woman. I dont want to be in a relationship with a woman. She knows how I feel, but she still tries very hard every day to hold my hand, to cuddle, to kiss me. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I moved recently and had to give up my therapist, I havent seen anyone since november.

I cant go see a Dr, to sort out my meds and get new prescriptions for my hormones, I cant afford the Dr's fee. This time they want labs, they are 6 months over due. Dr wont renew any more of my meds till I go see her. My hormones run out next week, then I dont know what I am going to do.

I have lost so much confidence in myself, its at the point that I hardly go out at all. Rarely to the store, I am so scared of being treated like a freak again.

I have started using pot again too, its the only thing that calms me down, helps me forget. It stops me from crying.....for a little while.

I have lost interest in everything I used to enjoy.

I am just ready to give up, I dont want to live this life anymore.

Share this post


Link to post

Now there... dear Nadine,

First, let me hold you. You can cry on me. Honey, there many resources available to you that are free if you are feeling so bad. In additions to Laura's chat, there are phone numbers you can call. I don't know about your state, but in CT 211 is a depression and suicide hot line. Also there is the phone number listed right on this forum description 1-800-SUICIDE I believe is the number. How is your diet? You really should try to get more sleep too. Poor diet and lack of sleep can really mess up your emotions and make you feel depressed (I know, I have been there).

Don't try to make sweeping life decisions right now. Take it day by day.

Everything will work out. Life just does workout.

You are going to be just fine dear. One thing that I think will be good for you to do is to find a new doctor. Also is there a way to contact your old doctor?

Love.

Brenda

Share this post


Link to post

Dear Nadine, giving up is not an option, not a choice. There are solutions to every problem you mentioned, you just haven't found them yet.

The one thing you really have going for you is your spouse. She is there for you, has been there for you. All right, you aren't atracted to women. But is sexual attraction the only thing you got married for? Aren't there other qualities about her you love and admire? If she is willing to stay, then meet her half way and find ways to make it work, to make her and you happy. It's been done before, hon. I've got such a thing going on in my own relationship.

How would she feel if she found you dead? What would it do to her? Do you want to leave that as your legacy? Of course not.

Have you been to see a social worker or counselor about ways to get the proper medications in a manner you can afford? Its a whole lot cheaper for the county or the state to get you Medicaid or some other program than it would be to have you institutionalized or end up in an emergency room. Its no shame to seek help for your problems, Nadine.

You need to get back into therapy, and urgently. We can say a lot to you in these forums, but you need someone to talk withi IRL even more. I'm sure some G.T's or regular therapists have sliding pay scales or there are state programs to help you.

If you feel this desperate again, please call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) or log into Chat here and talk to a crisis counselor. They are trained to help you. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel. Let her help you. Of course, we are all here, too. PM me or any of us who are on duty.

Suicide is never an answer, Nadine. It is just an end. But for those left behind, it will never end.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Share this post


Link to post

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You are indeed going through some dark times. I think one of the worst things you can do is sit around and brood. You need some activity to occupy your mind. It can be anything. Walking for example. Are there any free or low cost clinics near you? That could be an option for you. You've got to get out more even if you have to force yourself to do so. Being idle only makes things worse.

Have you talked to any of the moderators in the chat? If not, that could help. I assume that you're not working. Could you possibly find a part time job? That would take up some of your idle time.

Please stay with us and keep posting. We care and we want to help.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

Share this post


Link to post

I am unemployed. I'm living on unemployment. I cant get a part time job because I'll loose unemployment benefits. There is no way that I can hold down any kind of job right now either. We cant afford to pay all our bills as it is. I've been going to a low cost clinic, but I can't afford the fees anymore. That's the problem with the therapists too. I am on a waiting list to be seen at the "sliding scale" clinic, but I am numer #9 on the list. Still got about two months to wait to be seen. I don't qualify for Medicaid, according to them our combined income is too much.

I was taken into custody a few months back, I tried to jump off a bridge. I was handcuffed and taken to the ER. They let me out the same night. I was later told if I was hospitalized I would have qualified for help immediately. I know my next attempt won't be an "attempt"

Share this post


Link to post

Have you joined the chat here at LP? Why not try talking to one of our moderators there. They are more knowledgeable about problems such as yours than we here in the forums are. I think they could really help you with some of the problems you are having. Why not give it a try. You've got nothing to lose. Suicide isn't the answer, hon.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

Share this post


Link to post

Go to the nearest hospital emergency room immediately and tell them you are actively contemplating suicide. Be as honest with the intake nurse as you have been with us. I am the parent of an adult child who made numerous attempts at self harm, and know that if you give them the details you have given us, in fact, take what you yourself have given us with you, that is how to begin the hospitalization process that you seem to say you may need. Do not consider the money, some how you will get treatment.

Share this post


Link to post

Nadine, did you know you have a pretty smile?

You remind me of a flower trying to blossom and having a hard time poking out from that Alaskan snow. The thing about almost all flowers Nadine, is they need sunlight to open and become all they can be. You look like a sweet sensitive woman in your pictures, and thats what I think you are. Perhaps a fragile flower...? I believe Nadine, that you will blossom into a very pretty open flower if you get out of the shade and into the sunlight... I believe even in Alaska, spring is right around the corner. The darkness will shorten, the snow will melt and the flowers will open. I believe you will be one of them if you go outside, take walks, smell the springtime; then thank your god, if you have one, for the beauty that surrounds you and become part of it. A good friend of mine says, "move a muscle, change a thought".

For people like me, it is very important to get active when I see darkness around the corner. I bet there are little tiny things near you that, if done, will make the world a little better place.... Perhaps walk dogs at the humane society. Help paint an old lady's house. Or maybe weed her garden?

We have a plant in Florida called a Strangler Fig. It's seed is dropped a bird on a palm tree and over time it wraps itself around the tree and kills it. I sometimes think depression and addiction are like that. It is very important to move away from that peril Nadine. Please move away from the darkness and into the light. If you've lost your way, pick up the phone and call a local community agency and ask the how YOU can Help Someone Else, or perhaps a helpless animal...

Such actions have the power to pull you into the light, away from the darkness.

If you find you are powerless to change your course, I think you should take Vicky's advice.

Best wishes

Michelle

Share this post


Link to post

Nadine i dont know you i have never had the previalge to get to chat with you but please listen to the moderators you are so dear to so many . Go to the hospital say it all you are worth it more than what you belive . We are here on the journey and we all need each other and yes that does include YOU . ((( hugs))))

I was looking at your photos i love your hair you look awsome better than me girl and i was born female . You have so much to look forward look how far u have come , please go to the hospital you are to PRECIOUS to us

Share this post


Link to post

Hun you need to go talk to someone about these issues. Suicide won't change anything, except you won't be here. Please find help

Share this post


Link to post

I am unemployed. I'm living on unemployment. I cant get a part time job because I'll loose unemployment benefits. There is no way that I can hold down any kind of job right now either. We cant afford to pay all our bills as it is. I've been going to a low cost clinic, but I can't afford the fees anymore. That's the problem with the therapists too. I am on a waiting list to be seen at the "sliding scale" clinic, but I am numer #9 on the list. Still got about two months to wait to be seen. I don't qualify for Medicaid, according to them our combined income is too much.

I was taken into custody a few months back, I tried to jump off a bridge. I was handcuffed and taken to the ER. They let me out the same night. I was later told if I was hospitalized I would have qualified for help immediately. I know my next attempt won't be an "attempt"

Dearest, I have been unemployed too. I have been in the state where I am trying to make ends meet with unenployment benefits with a wife that was not supportive in any way whatsoever. She blamed me, I blamed myself. She did not help me. She despised me. To go through such agony at that time, I wonder how I managed. Years later, that torment and hell is nothing but a vague memory.

Trust me, time truly is the healer of all wounds.

Please give time a chance. You have no idea how things will change for you. One thing that I do know is that life does change. Life changes in ways you cannot predict or expect. To ever think that the life that you see now is always going to be the way that you see it is a completely false idea.

In time, you will see and understand exactly what I am saying. I look forward to the day when you post your triumph.

Suiicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (I got this from some very wise members here).

All my love

Brenda

Share this post


Link to post

UPDATE:

Thank you to everyone for you kind words, your support and your friendships. I am still alive and I am doing much better. I managed to get a psychiatrist and a psychologist to help me with psych meds and therapy. I had an amazing thing happen, I met a Trans friend here on Laura's. We are both in a support group which has 19 members. It really makes me feel like I am not so alone anymore. and just to top it all off I have met a guy who is interested in me, unfortunately my marriage is over but I still have my best friend, and she will be my best friend for ever.

Thank you to everyone

Luv Nadine

Share this post


Link to post

I am a newer face around here, it's great to see you back around. It's too bad about your wife. It sounds like there have been changes, but mostly good ones in recent weeks, how cool is finding a friend! Anyway I hope the progress is sustainable. Here in Missouri, me and Kathryn seem to be the only active forum members, it's a big empty region, except I know better through real life observation.

Share this post


Link to post
:) hugs

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 6 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • TexasLibraryLady
    • DenimAndLace
    • Joshua
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      64,045
    • Total Posts
      580,879