Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Was passing but not now...how on earth?


Guest CariadsCarrot

Recommended Posts

Guest CariadsCarrot

I've been doing better recently about finding my validation within and not needing validation from passing (which is a good thing coz I'm not passing a lot recently) but something is really starting to get to me and make things more difficult and I'm struggling again. The problem is that I've gone from being read as male a reasonable amount of time at least to now being almost compleatly read as female and I just don't understand what's changed to effect that!

I've lost a bit of weight and got a new hair cut (shorter and my partner swears that it's more male if anything when I ask her). Those are the only changes I can think of.

My son told me I just have feminine features which is depressing coz I know I need T to change that and there seems no tangible possibility of that in sight yet (I've been waiting for an psych assessment to get a gender therapist for a year and my doctor says there's no telling how much longer it could take...no gender therapist = no chance of getting T...and there's no practical way I can afford to go private either no matter how desperate I am). But if it's just that then how can I explain the fact I WAS passing a reasonable amount a few months ago?

I know a photo would probably help you to be able to give an opinion on this but I don't have an up to date one. Maybe I'll try to get one taken in the next couple of days to add to this thread...but does anyone have any ideas on this bazar change in the amount I'm passing?

Gabe

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Gabe

Great to see you again! I have been thinking about you.

I wish I had a good answer for you. Maybe even though the haircut is male it emphasizes your features in a female way? It could be something very small . I do know that I went from very rarely passing-and that at a distance usually-to "Sir" and "he" in 2 weeks time. And I have not actually been mis-gendered since. I have had different haircuts and all too. The thing I think changed it was that I stopped seeing myself as having a man's mind and a woman's body in that two weeks and I started thinking of myself as a man with some anatomical anomalies. For me there is a subtle yet powerful psychological difference and I suspect that is reflected in my body language and expression . I'm not trying to pass -I 'm just sending a message to treat me as the man I am.

Perhaps when you post the pics there will be something else but that is all I can think of for now.

I am sending hopes and prayers that you will soon be able to get that T

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest Lacey Lynne

Johnny and Lizzy nailed it! Agreed, that it's GREAT to see you posting again! Wanna see some pics, man. Anyway, I believe Johnny's right. In fact, I KNOW he's right. Had an episode happen to me just last night that kind of proves that Johnny's right, but he usually is!

Anyway, yeah, it's SOOO cool to hear from you!

Peace :thumbsup: Lacey

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Thank you Johnny, Lizzy and Lacey. I've missed being here and it's good to talk to you folks again. There's just been so much going on IRL...still is but I hope to be able to get here more again in between it all.

I've asked my partner if the new hair cut accentuates female features on me and she says no but sometimes I think she finds it difficult to see me objecttively as the man I am rather than thinking in steriotypes (as in this is a hair cut that a man would have rather than how it looks on me personally) so although I trust her implisitly her answer isn't always the most helpful. I will try to get a picture in the next couple of days to show you so you can give an opinion.

Lizzy, I do smile a lot, I'm a friendly person. It's something I would find difficult to change and to be honest I don't think I want to change it coz it's part of who I am and trying to change it would be no better than being seen as female...so I guess if that's what's getting me read as female I'll have to wait to get T and for it to make it's changes.

I think there is a lot in what you say about state of mind Johnny. I wish I knew how to change my thought patterns.

I was brought up to belive that other people know me better than I know myself so if people tell me one thing and I think or feel something different then I must be lying even if I don't think I am lying. Changing that to belive in the man I am when everyone ecept my partner and kids are telling me I am female is difficult and I keep finding myself doubting what I feel and know...thinking myself in circles of logic and getting confused with conflicting facts because what I feel...what I have always felt, is not enough proof that something is true. It was actually one of the main problems my mother voiced when I told her that I'm trans. She asked how they diagnose gender dysphoria, if there were tests like blood tests or something that could prove it one way or another, and when I told her it is diagnosed just by talking to me she said that could never be enough to make a diagnosis on and that I couldn't transition just on that basis without better proof. I guess some small part of me is afraid that's true, that I can't trust myself enough to know I'm right about who I am. And how can I project to others something that even a tiny part of me is afraid to trust myself about.

It's stupid coz I know I have always felt male no matter how much I have tried to obey what I've been told by others and be female...but there's still this little voice in the back of my head that was programed into me that tells me that admitting who I am is a lie. *sigh*

Gabe

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Gabe I had that same voice for a long time myself. Sometimes it still creeps in. Because I always felt so fundamentally wrong all my life I tend to doubt myself sometimes still. But I look at my life and my soul and I KNOW who I am.

Actually if she had the finances you can do a brain scan that will determine what the structures of your brain are like and it's pretty definitive-but massively expensive. Way beyond the means of the average person. Only to confirm what you already know.

Ask your mom if she can really imagine BEING a man. The feelings and sense of self. Most women can't any more than we can imagine being woman really. no matter how hard we try something just tells us it is wrong. Look at the experiences of the people here -sure we are all unique -but we share certain basic feelings as trans people. If you have those feelings they are real and valid.

As far as I have read the only circumstances where someone becomes convinced they are an opposite gender when they are not is cases of really extreme abuse and it is different in how it is expressed and super rare. I don't think that all the hoops we jump through are as much to question whether we really feel what we feel or will change our minds as much as they are to determine that we are strong and determined enough to get through transition and to force us to go slowly enough to let our minds process all that it needs to. With a between 1% and 6% regret rate after transition this condition has the best track record for treatment of any from what I have read.

As hormones hit our brains in puberty we sometimes have feelings about orientation to work through or experiment with. It is a change from childhood. Unlike being trans where our brain is as it has developed prior to birth though we sometimes don't realize it for quite awhile. This just isn't something people erroneously convince themselves about. Or experiment with as part of puberty. Sadly that sexual experimentation and all that is natural to puberty can cause parents and others to mistakenly think the same thing about trans.

Deep down you know who you are . Right now you are in a holding pattern which I am sure is maddening but one day Gabe you will be all that you are inside to the outside world too. Meanwhile you are developing an awesome patience and strength. I admire you and so look forward to the day you can leave these doubts and trials behind.

Don't listen to that little voice in your head - listen to the shout in your heart. I hear it loud and clear.

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Maybe

I've realised though since writing this that I often seem to pass from a distance or when people can't clearly see my face but when they can clearly see my face I'm always read as female so this would make me think that my body language and stuff is male and that my son is right in that my face is feminine maybe.

I dunno

Thank you for your response Rowan

Gabe

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Gabe

I hear you! I KNOW you are stymied - you think. It's kinda what we all have. I can only say that when that happens all we can do is go deep inside ourselves and declare "I AM WHAT I AM" and the hell with everyone else.

Gender is between your ears. So the body needs some work, big deal! You are gonna fix that - I mean you have started the ball rolling. Damnn the system, damnn them all for not understanding how we just really really really need to be ourselves. BUT they cannot beat us down... as we just absolutely, positively refuse to let that happen.

Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Thank you Lizzy.

I went through a phaze about a month ago when I was managing quite well at doing that and I know I'll get there again.

That fighting talk is something I needed to hear, thank you.

I have lived all of my life so far without the ammount of acceptance I have now from my patner and kids and the people who do read me as male and the very small but growing acceptance of my mum so I can sure deal with how things are now knowing that it can only get better from here.

That's how I need to think.

Thank you

Gabe

Link to comment
Guest miss kindheart

Hi Gabe,

<< hug >>

Sorry to hear your having trouble

I think allot of it is related self confidence

Allot of the time people see us as we act

You know in your heart what you are

So hold your head high and just be you

:wub: vanna

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 100 Guests (See full list)

    • Breezy Victor
    • violet r
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • VickySGV
    • Susie
    • MaybeRob
    • SamC
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
    • MaeBe
      This is the persistence in thinking of trans girls as predators and, as if, they are the only kind of predation that happens in locker rooms. This is strikingly close to the dangerous myth that anatomy corresponds with sexuality and equates to gender.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      At the same time there might be mtf boys who transitioned post-puberty who really belong on the girls' teams because they have more similarities there than with the boys, would perform at the same level, and might get injured playing with the bigger, stronger boys.   I well remember being an androgynous shrimp in gym class that I shared with seniors who played on the football team.  When PE was no longer mandatory, I was no longer in PE. They started some mixed PE classes the second semester, where we played volleyball and learned bowling and no longer mixed with those seniors, boys and girls together.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...