Was passing but not now...how on earth?

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I've been doing better recently about finding my validation within and not needing validation from passing (which is a good thing coz I'm not passing a lot recently) but something is really starting to get to me and make things more difficult and I'm struggling again. The problem is that I've gone from being read as male a reasonable amount of time at least to now being almost compleatly read as female and I just don't understand what's changed to effect that!

I've lost a bit of weight and got a new hair cut (shorter and my partner swears that it's more male if anything when I ask her). Those are the only changes I can think of.

My son told me I just have feminine features which is depressing coz I know I need T to change that and there seems no tangible possibility of that in sight yet (I've been waiting for an psych assessment to get a gender therapist for a year and my doctor says there's no telling how much longer it could take...no gender therapist = no chance of getting T...and there's no practical way I can afford to go private either no matter how desperate I am). But if it's just that then how can I explain the fact I WAS passing a reasonable amount a few months ago?

I know a photo would probably help you to be able to give an opinion on this but I don't have an up to date one. Maybe I'll try to get one taken in the next couple of days to add to this thread...but does anyone have any ideas on this bazar change in the amount I'm passing?

Gabe

[JJ]

Hi Gabe

Great to see you again! I have been thinking about you.

I wish I had a good answer for you. Maybe even though the haircut is male it emphasizes your features in a female way? It could be something very small . I do know that I went from very rarely passing-and that at a distance usually-to "Sir" and "he" in 2 weeks time. And I have not actually been mis-gendered since. I have had different haircuts and all too. The thing I think changed it was that I stopped seeing myself as having a man's mind and a woman's body in that two weeks and I started thinking of myself as a man with some anatomical anomalies. For me there is a subtle yet powerful psychological difference and I suspect that is reflected in my body language and expression . I'm not trying to pass -I 'm just sending a message to treat me as the man I am.

Perhaps when you post the pics there will be something else but that is all I can think of for now.

I am sending hopes and prayers that you will soon be able to get that T

Johnny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Stop smiling, possibly. I donno - a photo would help I think. So good to hear from you!

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Johnny and Lizzy nailed it! Agreed, that it's GREAT to see you posting again! Wanna see some pics, man. Anyway, I believe Johnny's right. In fact, I KNOW he's right. Had an episode happen to me just last night that kind of proves that Johnny's right, but he usually is!

Anyway, yeah, it's SOOO cool to hear from you!

Peace Lacey

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Johnny, Lizzy and Lacey. I've missed being here and it's good to talk to you folks again. There's just been so much going on IRL...still is but I hope to be able to get here more again in between it all.

I've asked my partner if the new hair cut accentuates female features on me and she says no but sometimes I think she finds it difficult to see me objecttively as the man I am rather than thinking in steriotypes (as in this is a hair cut that a man would have rather than how it looks on me personally) so although I trust her implisitly her answer isn't always the most helpful. I will try to get a picture in the next couple of days to show you so you can give an opinion.

Lizzy, I do smile a lot, I'm a friendly person. It's something I would find difficult to change and to be honest I don't think I want to change it coz it's part of who I am and trying to change it would be no better than being seen as female...so I guess if that's what's getting me read as female I'll have to wait to get T and for it to make it's changes.

I think there is a lot in what you say about state of mind Johnny. I wish I knew how to change my thought patterns.

I was brought up to belive that other people know me better than I know myself so if people tell me one thing and I think or feel something different then I must be lying even if I don't think I am lying. Changing that to belive in the man I am when everyone ecept my partner and kids are telling me I am female is difficult and I keep finding myself doubting what I feel and know...thinking myself in circles of logic and getting confused with conflicting facts because what I feel...what I have always felt, is not enough proof that something is true. It was actually one of the main problems my mother voiced when I told her that I'm trans. She asked how they diagnose gender dysphoria, if there were tests like blood tests or something that could prove it one way or another, and when I told her it is diagnosed just by talking to me she said that could never be enough to make a diagnosis on and that I couldn't transition just on that basis without better proof. I guess some small part of me is afraid that's true, that I can't trust myself enough to know I'm right about who I am. And how can I project to others something that even a tiny part of me is afraid to trust myself about.

It's stupid coz I know I have always felt male no matter how much I have tried to obey what I've been told by others and be female...but there's still this little voice in the back of my head that was programed into me that tells me that admitting who I am is a lie. *sigh*

Gabe

[JJ]

Gabe I had that same voice for a long time myself. Sometimes it still creeps in. Because I always felt so fundamentally wrong all my life I tend to doubt myself sometimes still. But I look at my life and my soul and I KNOW who I am.

Actually if she had the finances you can do a brain scan that will determine what the structures of your brain are like and it's pretty definitive-but massively expensive. Way beyond the means of the average person. Only to confirm what you already know.

Ask your mom if she can really imagine BEING a man. The feelings and sense of self. Most women can't any more than we can imagine being woman really. no matter how hard we try something just tells us it is wrong. Look at the experiences of the people here -sure we are all unique -but we share certain basic feelings as trans people. If you have those feelings they are real and valid.

As far as I have read the only circumstances where someone becomes convinced they are an opposite gender when they are not is cases of really extreme abuse and it is different in how it is expressed and super rare. I don't think that all the hoops we jump through are as much to question whether we really feel what we feel or will change our minds as much as they are to determine that we are strong and determined enough to get through transition and to force us to go slowly enough to let our minds process all that it needs to. With a between 1% and 6% regret rate after transition this condition has the best track record for treatment of any from what I have read.

As hormones hit our brains in puberty we sometimes have feelings about orientation to work through or experiment with. It is a change from childhood. Unlike being trans where our brain is as it has developed prior to birth though we sometimes don't realize it for quite awhile. This just isn't something people erroneously convince themselves about. Or experiment with as part of puberty. Sadly that sexual experimentation and all that is natural to puberty can cause parents and others to mistakenly think the same thing about trans.

Deep down you know who you are . Right now you are in a holding pattern which I am sure is maddening but one day Gabe you will be all that you are inside to the outside world too. Meanwhile you are developing an awesome patience and strength. I admire you and so look forward to the day you can leave these doubts and trials behind.

Don't listen to that little voice in your head - listen to the shout in your heart. I hear it loud and clear.

Johnny

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Johnny. What you said helps. You have such good way of making things make sense.

Gabe

[Guest Rowan19]

Hmmm, maybe it's not looks but body language?

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Maybe

I've realised though since writing this that I often seem to pass from a distance or when people can't clearly see my face but when they can clearly see my face I'm always read as female so this would make me think that my body language and stuff is male and that my son is right in that my face is feminine maybe.

I dunno

Thank you for your response Rowan

Gabe

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gabe

I hear you! I KNOW you are stymied - you think. It's kinda what we all have. I can only say that when that happens all we can do is go deep inside ourselves and declare "I AM WHAT I AM" and the hell with everyone else.

Gender is between your ears. So the body needs some work, big deal! You are gonna fix that - I mean you have started the ball rolling. Damnn the system, damnn them all for not understanding how we just really really really need to be ourselves. BUT they cannot beat us down... as we just absolutely, positively refuse to let that happen.

Lizzy

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Lizzy.

I went through a phaze about a month ago when I was managing quite well at doing that and I know I'll get there again.

That fighting talk is something I needed to hear, thank you.

I have lived all of my life so far without the ammount of acceptance I have now from my patner and kids and the people who do read me as male and the very small but growing acceptance of my mum so I can sure deal with how things are now knowing that it can only get better from here.

That's how I need to think.

Thank you

Gabe

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Gabe,

<< hug >>

Sorry to hear your having trouble

I think allot of it is related self confidence

Allot of the time people see us as we act

You know in your heart what you are

So hold your head high and just be you

vanna

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Vanna, I'm trying.

Hugs back to you

Gabe