Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Was passing but not now...how on earth?


Guest CariadsCarrot

Recommended Posts

Guest CariadsCarrot

I've been doing better recently about finding my validation within and not needing validation from passing (which is a good thing coz I'm not passing a lot recently) but something is really starting to get to me and make things more difficult and I'm struggling again. The problem is that I've gone from being read as male a reasonable amount of time at least to now being almost compleatly read as female and I just don't understand what's changed to effect that!

I've lost a bit of weight and got a new hair cut (shorter and my partner swears that it's more male if anything when I ask her). Those are the only changes I can think of.

My son told me I just have feminine features which is depressing coz I know I need T to change that and there seems no tangible possibility of that in sight yet (I've been waiting for an psych assessment to get a gender therapist for a year and my doctor says there's no telling how much longer it could take...no gender therapist = no chance of getting T...and there's no practical way I can afford to go private either no matter how desperate I am). But if it's just that then how can I explain the fact I WAS passing a reasonable amount a few months ago?

I know a photo would probably help you to be able to give an opinion on this but I don't have an up to date one. Maybe I'll try to get one taken in the next couple of days to add to this thread...but does anyone have any ideas on this bazar change in the amount I'm passing?

Gabe

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Gabe

Great to see you again! I have been thinking about you.

I wish I had a good answer for you. Maybe even though the haircut is male it emphasizes your features in a female way? It could be something very small . I do know that I went from very rarely passing-and that at a distance usually-to "Sir" and "he" in 2 weeks time. And I have not actually been mis-gendered since. I have had different haircuts and all too. The thing I think changed it was that I stopped seeing myself as having a man's mind and a woman's body in that two weeks and I started thinking of myself as a man with some anatomical anomalies. For me there is a subtle yet powerful psychological difference and I suspect that is reflected in my body language and expression . I'm not trying to pass -I 'm just sending a message to treat me as the man I am.

Perhaps when you post the pics there will be something else but that is all I can think of for now.

I am sending hopes and prayers that you will soon be able to get that T

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest Lacey Lynne

Johnny and Lizzy nailed it! Agreed, that it's GREAT to see you posting again! Wanna see some pics, man. Anyway, I believe Johnny's right. In fact, I KNOW he's right. Had an episode happen to me just last night that kind of proves that Johnny's right, but he usually is!

Anyway, yeah, it's SOOO cool to hear from you!

Peace :thumbsup: Lacey

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Thank you Johnny, Lizzy and Lacey. I've missed being here and it's good to talk to you folks again. There's just been so much going on IRL...still is but I hope to be able to get here more again in between it all.

I've asked my partner if the new hair cut accentuates female features on me and she says no but sometimes I think she finds it difficult to see me objecttively as the man I am rather than thinking in steriotypes (as in this is a hair cut that a man would have rather than how it looks on me personally) so although I trust her implisitly her answer isn't always the most helpful. I will try to get a picture in the next couple of days to show you so you can give an opinion.

Lizzy, I do smile a lot, I'm a friendly person. It's something I would find difficult to change and to be honest I don't think I want to change it coz it's part of who I am and trying to change it would be no better than being seen as female...so I guess if that's what's getting me read as female I'll have to wait to get T and for it to make it's changes.

I think there is a lot in what you say about state of mind Johnny. I wish I knew how to change my thought patterns.

I was brought up to belive that other people know me better than I know myself so if people tell me one thing and I think or feel something different then I must be lying even if I don't think I am lying. Changing that to belive in the man I am when everyone ecept my partner and kids are telling me I am female is difficult and I keep finding myself doubting what I feel and know...thinking myself in circles of logic and getting confused with conflicting facts because what I feel...what I have always felt, is not enough proof that something is true. It was actually one of the main problems my mother voiced when I told her that I'm trans. She asked how they diagnose gender dysphoria, if there were tests like blood tests or something that could prove it one way or another, and when I told her it is diagnosed just by talking to me she said that could never be enough to make a diagnosis on and that I couldn't transition just on that basis without better proof. I guess some small part of me is afraid that's true, that I can't trust myself enough to know I'm right about who I am. And how can I project to others something that even a tiny part of me is afraid to trust myself about.

It's stupid coz I know I have always felt male no matter how much I have tried to obey what I've been told by others and be female...but there's still this little voice in the back of my head that was programed into me that tells me that admitting who I am is a lie. *sigh*

Gabe

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Gabe I had that same voice for a long time myself. Sometimes it still creeps in. Because I always felt so fundamentally wrong all my life I tend to doubt myself sometimes still. But I look at my life and my soul and I KNOW who I am.

Actually if she had the finances you can do a brain scan that will determine what the structures of your brain are like and it's pretty definitive-but massively expensive. Way beyond the means of the average person. Only to confirm what you already know.

Ask your mom if she can really imagine BEING a man. The feelings and sense of self. Most women can't any more than we can imagine being woman really. no matter how hard we try something just tells us it is wrong. Look at the experiences of the people here -sure we are all unique -but we share certain basic feelings as trans people. If you have those feelings they are real and valid.

As far as I have read the only circumstances where someone becomes convinced they are an opposite gender when they are not is cases of really extreme abuse and it is different in how it is expressed and super rare. I don't think that all the hoops we jump through are as much to question whether we really feel what we feel or will change our minds as much as they are to determine that we are strong and determined enough to get through transition and to force us to go slowly enough to let our minds process all that it needs to. With a between 1% and 6% regret rate after transition this condition has the best track record for treatment of any from what I have read.

As hormones hit our brains in puberty we sometimes have feelings about orientation to work through or experiment with. It is a change from childhood. Unlike being trans where our brain is as it has developed prior to birth though we sometimes don't realize it for quite awhile. This just isn't something people erroneously convince themselves about. Or experiment with as part of puberty. Sadly that sexual experimentation and all that is natural to puberty can cause parents and others to mistakenly think the same thing about trans.

Deep down you know who you are . Right now you are in a holding pattern which I am sure is maddening but one day Gabe you will be all that you are inside to the outside world too. Meanwhile you are developing an awesome patience and strength. I admire you and so look forward to the day you can leave these doubts and trials behind.

Don't listen to that little voice in your head - listen to the shout in your heart. I hear it loud and clear.

Johnny

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Maybe

I've realised though since writing this that I often seem to pass from a distance or when people can't clearly see my face but when they can clearly see my face I'm always read as female so this would make me think that my body language and stuff is male and that my son is right in that my face is feminine maybe.

I dunno

Thank you for your response Rowan

Gabe

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Gabe

I hear you! I KNOW you are stymied - you think. It's kinda what we all have. I can only say that when that happens all we can do is go deep inside ourselves and declare "I AM WHAT I AM" and the hell with everyone else.

Gender is between your ears. So the body needs some work, big deal! You are gonna fix that - I mean you have started the ball rolling. Damnn the system, damnn them all for not understanding how we just really really really need to be ourselves. BUT they cannot beat us down... as we just absolutely, positively refuse to let that happen.

Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Thank you Lizzy.

I went through a phaze about a month ago when I was managing quite well at doing that and I know I'll get there again.

That fighting talk is something I needed to hear, thank you.

I have lived all of my life so far without the ammount of acceptance I have now from my patner and kids and the people who do read me as male and the very small but growing acceptance of my mum so I can sure deal with how things are now knowing that it can only get better from here.

That's how I need to think.

Thank you

Gabe

Link to comment
Guest miss kindheart

Hi Gabe,

<< hug >>

Sorry to hear your having trouble

I think allot of it is related self confidence

Allot of the time people see us as we act

You know in your heart what you are

So hold your head high and just be you

:wub: vanna

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 126 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Mmindy
    • Maddee
    • Charlize
    • KymmieL
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...