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akrobat

I don't know what else with myself

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I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to breathe but I can't. I want to die cause I can't do anything right in my life. This is how I truly feel. I don't feel like I can continue, but I can't even die cause I might hurt people. And I don't really care about people around me, I only care for my friend that I believe that truly loves me and I can't hurt him... but I really don't feel I can do this anymore.

I need someone to talk to, but I am to shy to ask for help cause I believe I am full of foolish things and I am wasting of time. The earth in my world is shaking and I don't feel I can continue forward. At this moment I feel like I want to give up.. and I know it's just a moment, but these kind of moments I face - they appear often then before. I don't really understand what's going on in my head... but are this serious sign that I am in deep depression and that I am suicidal? Cause I don't trust what I feel, but I am going through mental suicides every day and every day is a fight for life and I am tired. I can't see the strength in me.

I just wait for tomorrow to see my counselor... cause there is no one I can talk to.

Sorry if I am disturbing u... it's just... I need someone to talk to or someone to hug me ... or someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright :(

Thanks...

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These moments haunted me all my life. So many times nearly ended it.

I hear your pain and I understand it. I send you my love and a big hug.

It will not always be like this. We are asked to do the impossible and to be what we cannot because our bodies fool people and the world-sometimes they even fool us for awhile. We try so hard. And we just can't do it because it is really an impossible task to ask a man to be a woman or a woman to be a man. Our brains just can't do it. It hurts so much. Feels so utterly and completely wrong no matter which way we turn. We wear down and we wear out. The stress makes us depressed all too often

But it can get better. It can get fixed. No matter how hard or how challenging I think it is worth the pain and worth the journey to become our selves and live life as our brain-and hearts -dictate we must. I realize that where you are makes that especially difficult. And I want to urge you to make your safety your first priority.

For me becoming my true self has ended the pain and depression that have always haunted me. Made me understand how beautiful life is and what a gift it is even when things are going badly. I wish I was better able to describe the difference it has made. How good it feels to be right at last. In a deep fundamental way. You can make that happen too and find the happiness you need.

I am glad you have a counselor. You have all of us as well. We do care. We care very much and we understand.

There is also chat here. It does require a separate registration by the wat, but many people feel it makes a huge difference to just be able to interact more one on one and in real time.

You sound like a wise and lovely woman. I am very impressed that even in your pain you are thinking about your friend

It IS going to be alright. You can make it alright. Better than alright. When we do get through this and treat it so that we can live as we are-as we must-life is sweeter for us than most I think because we know what we have and how precious it really is. Glorious in fact. Really. We often say how hard it is, and that's true. We talk about how transition is the hardest thing you'll ever do too. For me that isn't true. Living in the wrong gender is the hardest thing you'll ever do. You are there now. It only gets better after that and despite the challenges, and sometimes losses, transition is nowhere near as hard as that.In my experience and from what I have learned reading tens of thousands of posts here.

Hold on and hold tight to the knowledge that the future will be so much better and sweeter than you can even imagine now.

Hug!

Johnny

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I want to scream, but I can't. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to breathe but I can't. I want to die cause I can't do anything right in my life. This is how I truly feel. I don't feel like I can continue, but I can't even die cause I might hurt people. And I don't really care about people around me, I only care for my friend that I believe that truly loves me and I can't hurt him... but I really don't feel I can do this anymore.

Dear Akrobat, those two statements I highlighted tell me that you are a much more caring person than you give yourself credit for. If you truly didn't care about people, it wouldn't matter if killing yourself hurt anyone. That you are concerned about the effect your death would have on those left behind tells me that you have a very big and loving heart. So please don't get down on yourself so much, OK.

Johnny has some great advice, and he is someone you should listen to. Most if not all of the problems we have are temporary, and while solutions may seem impossible or far away, they are there if you take the time and effort to find them. Some things will right themselves when you have more resources at your disposal, some things will right themselves if you get the right advice and take it to heart. Some things are totally within your control, you just need to prioritize them and ask for guidance on how to achieve them for yourself.

Asking for help is never wasting anyone's time, certainly not around here, where helping people is Job Number 1.

Talk to us, talk to your counselor, talk to the Mods in Chat, talk to your friends. As I found out for myself the other day, storm clouds may gather for reasons you don't even understand, but they part just as quickly, and sunlight and blue skies take their place. Find something you like to do, and then go do it. Keep yourself occupied, and that will take your mind off your troubles for a while.

I hope you feel better soon, hon. I care about you.

((((((((HUGGGSSS))))))))

Carolyn Marie

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This is happening maybe cause I was numb for so many years, and now emotions overwhelm me and I am loosing the control. I don't really understand what's going on. I was a stone in the past and now I'm able to feel... but there are not only positive emotions that are coming out, there are a lot of things that I have to grieve about, there is so much anger, sadness, fear... and everything is such a mess! Cause sometimes I love myself and I need to cry for myself and all of these years of agony and sometimes I really hate myself for what I am.. and then I am angry to the nature what has created, what she gave me.. I am peed off right now! No one deserves to feel pain and to be hurt. No one...

Why I was bullied? Why people still points fingers at me? Why I didn't have friends? Why I was sexually abused so many times? Why I am transgender? Why my mother never loved me? Why she died in front of my eyes? Why she hated me cause I was acting like a boy? Why she literally spited out at my face cause I had an argument? Why my brother is heroin addicted? Why my parents let him bit me [he could killed me]? And why I was homeless this summer? My father didn't even asked me where I was! I was in the office of my counselor but my father instead of trying to help me he tried to take money for cigarettes from me? Does he know that I was abused again cause I have this trauma and I can not shout no? And I am angry... Sometimes I am angry cause no one deserve this and sometimes I feel as a huge mistake. I am tired of everything, I'm really tired.

I needed this.. I needed to throw all of this toxic out, this questions. I know there are no answers.. I just needed to let them out... Sorry if I am disturbing all of you again.. But I think it's ok to let this things go... and to make myself space for the air. I need to feel the air again. I will be change in the world and I'll help people who hurt. I won't let them down. I will survive all of this and I will share only love in the world.. cause no one deserves a broken heart. Everyone deserves love and air.. yes, air. And hugs.

I feel like exploded emotional bomb... if this is too much what I am saying here please let me know and I'll change it immediately.

I love you... thank you.. Hugs...

Demian <3

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Demian dear FIRST of al im so teribly sorry to read about youre past as well as how you feel his days (crying face )

Demian dear i havent YET met a TS that havent had some or in some case (al to common ) al the backround youre refering to and like you say there is no anwers to those questons sadly mother nature have chosen to mess this up fore us reg the TS and the rest well sadly this do happens (SIGH )

And YES dear you DO NEED to get it AL out of youre system so as long as it is within the rules of this establichment DO cotinue dear as this WILL help you geting back to more normal again

Last if you EVER need someone to talk STRAIGHT up without having to feel afraid of geting teased or sed person backing down or scared away im RIGHT here in the Pm ready to talk and LISTEN Demian NOONE can get thrue this al alone dear (me included )

NEVER EVER give up Demian REGARDLES the ods KEEP on pushing towards youre goal as giving up is NEVER the right choice (im a living example of sed statement )

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Hi demian, I know its evening where you are now but not too late. There are folks in the chat room who can talk to you real time, right now if you want. If you haven't set up access, I think you might be glad if you do. Its a good place. I have been doing chat every sunday night there for a year. give it some thoufht, ok? If I know when you'd be there I'd stop by and talk with you too.

Hugs

Michelle

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I can be there now. I am member there, but I don't talk to much, I am really shy and feel stupid to start any kind of conversation. I am with the same nick as here..

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Demian,

You have been through some terrible things!

One of the things transition forced me to do was come to terms with my life. It was not as bad as yours but it was bad enough. Rejecting mother, father left when I was two, physical and emotional abuse, with my sister being blatantly favored, watched the only person I loved and loved me die in a violent accident at 8, molested at 6. That kind of stuff. There are no answers to why. For me there is a belief that there was a reason I just can't see or comprehend yet but I am finally at peace with all of it.

Regardless of why or whether it was fair it is now past. It made me stronger and in many ways made me a better person because it made me aware of suffering in others as well. I hope and believe others have been helped by what I went through and have had better lives because I helped them avoid some of the same things. Can't ask more than that.

Once you have faced it and your feelings and gotten it out you can be free of it and live your life better. But working through it is hard and takes it's toll. I hope you find your peace with it soon. I hope you find the freedom and peace from the past I have through this process. sure it still affects me some, but it does not dictate who I am or how I feel anymore. I am in charge of my life and my feelings now. That feels good. Very good.

Good or bad -we are here to listen and share

Johnny

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Demian, if you sign in to the chat, all you have to do is ask to speak privately with one of the moderators. They will take you to a private room where you can speak freely. You don't have to be afraid. They are there to help.

MaryEllen

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Yeah Johnny, I know I am not the only person in the world that have been through the things I've been. I am aware that there is even worse then my experience, but I feel my experience on my skin. I am facing all of these things that I didn't knew that they affected my life this much.. that I can't communicate with people, I failed at school 4 times, I can't get involved in any kind of relationship, I can't start working anywhere. I just didn't know that I let these things pushed me down. And I have this need to ask and scream and be angry cause it hurts me, cause it's my story and I feel it. I need to free myself of anger and sadness and the pain but not with repressing them down. I need to see how I make myself dysfunctional. I'm processing now, but when I am saying me, I, myself.. it doesn't mean that I think that my story is the worst story in the world, it's just my way of getting the responsibility that it's my pain and making myself more aware that if it hurts me so badly I am the one that can change it. I am not sure if you understand me what I am talking about cause English is not my native language and I am trying my best. :)

I need to feel my story fulfill and that's why I am allowing myself to tell (write) everything I feel, to feel every emotion deepest I can so I can find a solution to solve my problem. I need to face my pain and understand what's going on. I must face my fears for myself cause I am the one that doesn't do anything but trying to get some help from the outside. I am aware of all of this but I don't judge myself, I still act as a newborn, but I want to learn to walk alone. And thank you for being here, thank you that you are sharing your story with me that gives me light on my way, light of hope. I know I am not the only one, everyone has its own troubles, if everyone needs me I am here for all of you 24/7 ... cause I know how it feels... I am not denying my emotions, finally I am letting them out and I need them to let them go. It's enough keeping them locked in the cage. This is me, sad, angry, broken... and I will cry, bit the pillows, cuddle with my cat, talk to you here, hang out with my friends... and in the end I will integrate with myself.

Hugs and thank you for being here with me.

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Demian, if you sign in to the chat, all you have to do is ask to speak privately with one of the moderators. They will take you to a private room where you can speak freely. You don't have to be afraid. They are there to help.

MaryEllen

Thank you.. I will try when I'll be less shy then this.. and tomorrow i am meeting my counselor. I hope I'll be a bit better then this... thank you MarryEllen

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You are welcome, Demian. You don't have to be shy with any of us. We are your friends. We know and understand what you are going through. We will be here for you.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

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