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Guest LizMarie

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FOr all of your who had tense times and tears shed and anguish any time this week.... two of my favorite inspirations in my own writing.....

 

 

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Another pair I love to listen to me I need a pick me up 

 

 

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Following @Shay's excellent selection this morning, I give you Indigo Girls

 

I remember first hearing these two women twenty five years ago. At the time I didn't know I was trans, but I knew, absolutely, that I wished I was Amy Ray.

 

"Here's what I find about compromise,

Don't do it if it hurts inside,

'cause, either way you're screwed, 

And eventually you find,

You may as well feel good,

You may as well have some pride."

 

 

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ElizabethStar

I forgot about the Indigo Girls. That brings me back to a simpler time in my life.

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My thought for the day and WEEK for me and all of you fine brave amazing ladies.......

 

 

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@Shay - Great tune Heather, Love the organ solo in the long version, and the guitar tone is really cool in that track.

 

Here is another one from the era

 

Mott the Hoople (1971)

 

Home is where I want to be....

 

 

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Lovely Hoople song ....

 

Reminded me of the era .....

 

love Steve Marriot's vocals

 

 

 

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Great tunes, "it's really been a gas" recalling a Steve Marriott quote on the Fillmore live album. Saw Humble Pie live in LA, they rocked....

 

and of course Peter's guitar runs, legendary...

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We had just moved and I started going to classes in January of my senior year (for 4.5 months).  A senior class group went to see Humble Pie in Boston.   It was right after I got there.  Boo hoo. 

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Fast forward a few decades, and my mind lands here...

 

such tasty Trevor Rabin guitar parts....

 

Lift me Up (1991) - Yes

 

it's uplifting...

 

 

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GOOD STUFF - 

 

I like this a cappella opening

 

https://youtu.be/MooE0Y9yIhg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The more you are down - look up and see 

Even in your darkest hour - believe in YOU

 

 

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Can this girl play - and to think bass is not her primary instrument - she picked it up when she was 16 and moved to LA from Austrialia and they told her she could get more jobs playing bass - so she did - played with Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Herbie Hancock....

 

 

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SOme great music here.  Today I'm in a Melisa mood.  

 

 

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I'm listening to all my Mac Davis downloadeds because he set the tone for my teenage years. 

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I rarely find a song as moving as this one has been for me. I hope anyone that listens to it feels the same.

 

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    • JillPilled
      Hi there Susan! Thank you, it means quite a bit to hear that about your shared experienced and insight as well that is quite substantial. Also for the incredibly warm welcome as well, I very much appreciate that too!   I completely feel you on at some point, having to bar out the individuals in your life that are contributing to negative-reception of your transition--in many ways, I feel the extent in which you tolerate their conflict with you at your core--the harder it can be to feel happiest about yourself. Through still trying to suit their goals or views about you rather than your own that are best for your well-being. It can be really tiring and in many instances not a rewarding commitment yes!   I've encountered that potential with many family members, so it's very relatable and I'm sorry for that happening to you. The difficulty sometimes that's posed in those decisions from those we think care for us/vice-versa, and see a complete and utter change around in this dynamic following transitioning, is way too immense I feel. Many individuals, be they within family or other circles who reject someone based on them revealing they can't handle what falls outside their own narrow perception rather than recognition/empathy for another person's true-identity/brain chemistry which makes up our inner selves and we were meant to be truly content in (others should accept this if they claim to be empathetic/'empaths' in this sense).   Also, there's something really hopeful about being joyful/unaffected by the cases you mentioned with the negative elements part of your family brought--to seek those more positive outlooks or developments as your focus, with 'lessons' guiding you along the path. Certainly too, 18 months is a massive milestone as well! I don't necessarily present in public as I should yet just a year in, I mostly keep to my room but that is certainly where I see an inspiring goal. Really meaningful post, that made my morning thanks! 😄   Same to you as well! And have a great start to the morning! -Jill    
    • Sally Stone
      Great news Tori.  Hugs to you and your wife.  
    • Sally Stone
      Lain, Jackie says it best.  Learn to love what you have.  Yes, it can be challenging, but we all have our beauty points even if many don't align with society's current view of what is beautiful.  For the longest time, I tried to compare my looks with what I saw in fashion magazines - nobody looks like that, so, I realized I should stop trying to compare myself to that unreasonable standard.  Now I focus on femininizing what I was given.  Yes it's harder, but in the end the effort bolsters my confidence and makes me feel just as authentic and just as beautiful as all those fashion models I wasted so much time trying to emulate.  
    • JillPilled
      Thank you for the post, Carolyn--you happened to strike quite true honestly. On a personal note, I've found guilt is way too insidious a demotivator in my life in the past--and still some inklings in the present. I've experienced this in the effect of it cascading from my some ways my mother raised me where it was against decorum, or somehow sinful to present something like my inner-fem self which was basically caged up for quite sometime. There's a really ratcheting and hurtful way in which guilt resultant from abuse or being raised is amplified to a lot of aspects of our lives. This extended to a lot of things including romantic or simply feelings of attraction or wanting to explore aspects of myself and it was, really, a miserable and trying time which I felt like all I could do was being stuck isolated and that'd be my life. It took quite a lot to realize the fullest extent of guilt holding me down/back as of many here, alone, not even speaking to those outside this community which necessitates realized change for them too! Please know to any of you struggling with this very concept that it's not exclusive, but really sadly mutual to many of us within the LGBTQIA+ community--and there's always those of us who know to talk it through or share with one another, resources freely available in discussion of this, mental-health professionals/counselors who want nothing more than to help. I've been going through it, and trying to come out the other side too--least in the capacity of still suffering from feeling as if the previous self I presented to many people I care about, was a deception on my part. It's hard to escape that, but I'm trying to retain more happiness that I know that I'm presenting a valid sense of self now. : D
    • Susan R
      Hello @JillPilled and welcome to our forum. What a well written introduction. Thank you for taking the time tonight to share this with us.   As most of us here, I’ve had some negative experiences after sharing my true identity honestly and openly. To be perfectly honest, I am still feeling the repercussions of a few negative experiences...some directly and some indirectly and in very subtle ways. In a general sense, I try not to focus too much on the negative because in reality, it has been an overwhelming positive experience and I refuse to let a few individuals or experiences change my direction or affect my overall happiness.   Some of those involved in this negativity are unfortunately family members which makes it much harder to ignore. I have accepted their frame of mind about my transition and try to be the best person I can be. I also try to surround myself with those who do accept me as I am.  I don’t try to find ways to change their mind...that is fruitless. The experiences are a different matter and I chalk those up to a learned lesson and avoid those potholes whenever possible.   It’s been 18 months since I’ve been out full time to the world at large. I have seen some positive changes over the last year in the attitudes and acceptance levels of these particularly negative individuals. As for these . They have likely noticed how much happier my wife and I are together and individually. They also see that their opinion of me has had no effect in my transition or direction of my path. They realize that my new persona isn’t as bad as they once thought or believed it would be. I think the main key is to focus on what you can control and focus on what is positive. That will usually be enough to carry you through any isolated negative experience along the way. Luckily, in time they seem to be fewer negatives on the journey.   Good luck with your transition. Hope to see you around.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • JillPilled
      To be honest, there's some abstract-parts to attraction as many here have been saying--I totally agree--you can find someone certainly who you still hold near and dear or are very much attracted to that may not align with what your atypical qualities you see as resonating with you attraction wise--perhaps due to how they flirt with you, meld with your persona, are intimate or close to you contact-wise or emotionally (regardless if they're masc, fem, androgynous, bigender). For me, before starting HRT a year back, before I was incredibly attracted to the same gender and was very much (what I thought) a lesbian at the time as I had virtually no underlying feelings for men (so I thought)--though progressively, I started to learn about aspects of men I found really quite attractive slightly prior to HRT then ON it that built consequent to it (I was bisexual perhaps, is what HRT was helping to realize). Mainly though, it manifested and focused on one man prior to HRT, who I was getting to know better and better, and eventually established a love for personally knowing DUE to these dimensions and more that I still can't quite place (though, he has a deeper-voice and HRT did help me realize, wow, I'm actually quite attracted to deeper-voices speaking with me)! My boyfriend. Strangely, with most other men I don't always feel the attraction to same masculine qualities comparative to knowing aspects of him--though certainly, some things can in-fact change with HRT, yes! I wouldn't go as far as to say it's a guarantee to change your sexual-preferences or what you see in your partner completely in all cases--I'm of the (of course personal view) that HRT in many aspects can add to your sexual-preferences or attractions in some instances!      I really hope that you find a way to surmount this, I know the feeling of inter-conflict with attraction and it really can be difficult and you're valid for wanting to meet that task and maybe discuss this with your partner--it's good to have dialogues about this and think it through, regardless. Holding out hope that pre and if you decide post-HRT, you will find more a peace or contentedness with what qualities you find attractive--alongside with your partner, and however you both end up feeling about it! Know things can go well for y'all. Hope you take care 😆  
    • JillPilled
      How's it going y'all? Hope everyone is doing well. I'm Jillian, a transwoman, 26, and mainly looking to discuss experiences here, and find a better way to network and get a wider breadth to really hear and talk about experiences in all the dimensions socially you can think of to participate in a community--particularly amidst the pandemic! COVID-19 displaced me from my ability to attend my in-person counseling for mental-health associated with feminizing, before I transferred into a separate online tele-health component that's been working efficiently with me for Planned Parenthood-- so this forum complimentary to that really seems from what I've been browsing just very early on to be essential :D!   Just to preface, I've known my identity for about 10 years now, and only recently without the past year began actualizing my transition (besides coming out to my dad/step mom about being trans-fem) with HRT/frequent blood tests and visits/later tele-health visits to my doctor. I live with my dad, step-mom, at the moment, and my father and mother are separated--there's a long-history there that is quite depressing that is way too much for an introduction, but long and short is it was a really strained and short-term (6 year-marriage) relationship. Unfortunately, and nothing looking back that I feel hatred for now but then it was largely unknown to me--but my mom has some issues with bipolar-depressive disorder which have been left unmedicated/treated for some time--likely over 20 years, close to my age. Additionally she holds some sharp views about gender, sexual orientation, and unfortunately even relationships concerning interracial couples (she's... quite bigoted honestly, and not one I would pick to be a representative of an actual good-person to my mind/Christian which she reinforced but held these practices which seemed contradictory and harsh views). Though, I'm agnostic so I'm not the best judge on that matter. Anyhow, currently, it bears noting I am also very much estranged from my mom, for those reasons since December 2014--and hence why I had to repress so much regarding my transition and depression while with her and facing abuse for not being sufficiently in the gender-category she wanted me to be--and saw me as lacking or 'a failure' in that part.  It was enough emotional-trauma/stress to not want to speak or see her ever again--alongside of trying to place me in Catholic related schools, institutions which personally I never felt content/happy with that decision made for me.   I was stuck in isolation in the middle of nowhere in central-Virginia for some time--I want to say 4-5 years, without a high-school curriculum (I was not enrolled, nor attended high-school... or was enrolled in any accredited outside course that could be considered academic--virtually stuck within our home with the resources I could find off the internet via an ancient laptop my dad was kind enough to buy me), and did not actually thrive in any capacity until managing to leave. And I'll just say I haven't found a way to fill a lot of the vacant parts of my brain wanting for explanation of that time in all the spheres, or let go of those really lonely times/experiences--stuck with being the only one to know who I actually was identity wise. Mainly, along the lines of 'why do I perceive myself as not right or unnatural when presenting myself in public' or putting on a personality that I KNOW is drastically more feminine and lovely in my view than this forced and fake male one that makes me feel as if I'm lying to everyone and me too. I see no meaning in it. Every time with relatives it was absolute pain--as with people I didn't know, and after quite some time I gave up on all that just within this past year.   Takes you a while to realize sometimes there's not a greater meaning to abuse or trauma in some contexts, and that just constantly me dwelling on it was ratcheting it into something way deeper and worsening my mental-state as I couldn't leave those times (PTSD). It's slow but realized change to reject there being a meaning to some cases, and to try to overcome with new ones/forget as best you can. Actually, funny enough, when I escaped that situation for the past 6-ish years it's been a massive hurdle to even tell someone trusted such as my dad/stepmom, as well as my boyfriend (while we were still just bestfriends) and a couple other good friends of mine that I'm trans--and while I had the answer it was something I held back for so long because of these prior experiences, and I did not too much besides academically 'catch up' during these times until I came out fully. Sure this is far more common than, once, my perception held towards thinking how entrapped, lonely that feeling was--rather, a kinda selfish thought of that surely no one else could know but that was DEFINITELY a case of 16-year old to 18 year old me thinking in a much younger and isolated lens, haha.   Are there any experiences recently that you feel like, personally, you've done well in creating for yourself or were positive in outlook--in the same capacity, perhaps, good ways to seek to move on from those that were negative to you--because I feel as if that's equally of valid or concerning in transitioning? Sorry, if that's a bit personal for just an intro., but! I do love talking with others about mental-health as well as identity, it can be nice to vent some about it to somebody--I've done more than my share to my boyfriend when he visits out of Toronto over here in Virginia, and over Discord calls we have together as of COVID. Love to meet and talk with y'all about yours, it's good to share or listen really in equal measure--I enjoy it a lot with all sorts of matters! Thank you so much for reading, and have a good day (I drafted this quite late, so not sure I will be up for a little while--night owl that I am but hope to catch up on other forum posts soon as well :>)
    • Noah A
      Hi @DonkeySocks. Thank you so much for your welcome. You are so right. That's what I've done with one of my best friends. She has been supportive, if a bit skeptical. She leans towards believing that this probably has other explanations, or at least making totally sure that is not the case. Can't blame her, she has know me only in my overfeminine phase.     Thank you for that. It's interesting that, no matter how much I know that is the case, I still doubt them. So it is a huge support to hear those words.       Hi @DeeDee. You have no idea (except you probably do) how reasuring it is that you share this experience in this way (not always knowing) and yet it is totally real and you've come this far. And yes, being honest with myself and self-acceptance and self-love are the goals. Each question and each answer may scare me, but they also set me free, and when I allow myself to think "I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman" everything inside of me relaxes. It scares me, but I'm not letting go of that feeling!     Hi @Susan R. Yes! I have one. There was none in my area but I found them in Barcelona. I'm only two session into therapy but it has made a world of difference, in terms of being able to talk about this with an informed, neutral and non judgemental person. I actually am in this forum because I could put aside my previous "I am not trans enough" fear, and that's thanks to therapy. The awareness and ability to legitimize my feelings and reality has no price.   Thank you all for your welcome. It is felt and deeply appreciated. I'll do my best to be here for you as much as you are here for me.
    • Noah A
      Hi @sparky I can't talk from experience about coming out to a significant other, because I don't have it. What I can say is that, from my point of view, you've given yourself and your wive the gift of an open and honest relationship, the possibility of being your true selves with one another. I have no clue how it can turn out, but now it has the chance of being real and profound.  
    • RhondaS
      Struggled with that a long time too, besides all the other struggles. But at some point I thought I'd rather live the rest of my life as an ugly woman than any kind of man. And HRT helped me mentally almost right away, well before any physical changes. Yes, I still don't like what I see in the mirror, but feel significantly better than I used to (and it's only 5 weeks in). 
    • RhondaS
      Does anyone ever misgender back? I'd be tempted to do that, at least on the way out. "Thanks, sir!"
    • RhondaS
      Do you have a link for that quote from Harris saying she'll invoke the 25th? Google's not helping, and you'd think that statement would have made enough news to be found somewhere other than on this forum.   The only things google showed was Trump saying that Pelosi would do it to replace Biden with Harris.     
    • Susan R
      Hello @Noah A. It’s a pleasure to have you here with us. You are among friends here and are here to help you any way we can.   As @DonkeySocks pointed out...we’re all here trying to find ourselves. It’s a forum filled with real people with at least one aim of self-discovery. It’s a process that takes patience and time. You’ve recognized the fact that something needs attention or that an issue does exist...that’s why you’re here. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it never goes away completely. I can tell you first hand that denial, suppression and compartmentalizing your life does not work for long. Knowing the truth about yourself and accepting who you are, whatever that might be, is half the battle. The rest of the pieces eventually fall into place with good help whether it be professional or through resources that you stumble upon in you research.   You’ll here it often on this forum but it’s very true...you owe it to yourself to find a good therapist with a good understanding of gender identity issues. I don’t know how abundant those type of resources are in Spain but there are online services available and in some places right now online is the only method of service available due to covid.   I believe one can traverse these gender issues without a therapist but the more resources and support you have at your disposal, the better, imho. I think this to a great place to get started and hope to read more about you and your journey. I trust with a little effort, you’ll eventually get there.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Mia Marie
      Everybody is entitled to vote for who you want but I will not vote for someone, and I don't care what party they are from, and end up living in a socialist country with no rights at all to speak of. And if Biden wins Harris has already said at some point she will envoke the 25th amendment to take over the Presidency from Biden. You don't want her in full charge.
    • Robin.C
      This is something I struggled with for a long time and reading other stories, many have as well. There is a mindset in our beginning which is part of the dysphoria. We don't feel we are the person we believe we are and often any visual image we see hits that button time and time again. The best advice I have been given was that I want to be the best female version of myself that I can be. The same height, skin and body shape (although hormones will and do change some of our appearance) but the female version of me. Transitioning is as much about the emotional and mental changes that occur along with some physical changes. A therapist is a must to help us comes to terms of how we progress towards our goal of being our true self. This is a great place to begin as the advice and real world experiences are and have been invaluable to me. We as people come in all shapes and sizes and nobody is ever 100% happy with how they look, we all get by though. You didn't say if you have a therapist, if you don't you should get one as they can be so much help now and in the future.   Hugs Robin
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