Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

how to come out


Guest CariadsCarrot

Recommended Posts

Guest CariadsCarrot

When you come out to people how do you explain? What words do you use?

Do you use the transgender or transsexual words? Do you talk in terms of a birth defect or mismatched mind and body?

Just thought it might be helpful, especially for those of us who are still in the process of coming out to people to hear how other people word it and also maybe any difficulties people have come up against from using certain words or ways of coming out.

Gabe

Link to comment
Guest Amber90

I’ve only come out to one person, but with him I used the term transvestite. I understand that some people in the trans community find this word slightly clinical and outdated, but at the time I thought it was the best expression to use, as it’s one that all non-trans people seem to know the exact meaning of. I felt that using the preferred word crossdresser may have sounded a tad too vague.

On the other hand, I’m now considering telling future outees that I have gender identity disorder. Reason being that recently I’ve become slightly perplexed as to where my transgender status really stands. Whilst last year I was totally convinced that I was a crossdresser, this year my feelings have intensified slightly, and I sometimes think that I’m potentially a MTF. I don’t really want to have to tell everyone I’m a crossdresser, only to have to go back and re-out myself as a transsexual woman later on down the line.

This, however, is just a thought based on my present feelings. I may decide to just stick with my traditional “I’m a transvestite” line, as it went down pretty well the last time.

Amber

xx

Link to comment
Guest Jesse0319

I've come out to various friends and classmates, at different times....I've prolly come out about 5 different times, now. I always use the word "transgender". I think of it as a kind of...."neautral word", I guess? I'm still in the Teen years, so I try to stay away from words like "transvestite" or anything with the word "sexual" in it. I don't like dealing with the giggles.

Although, if I'm comming out to a good friend who I know for a fact is going to take it well (as in I'm only telling them so that they know to change pronouns, and there's nothing dramatic about it), then I do believe I've used the word "Transgender". I know some people in the trans community don't like it, but I have this mentality of "owning" words that are meant to hurt me, like "I'm the one that's trans, and I like how the word Transgender sounds, so therefore it's my word and you can't use it as an insult. Ha Ha."

Erm, /endrant.

If I come out and someone give me a blank look or the directly ask, then I explain what it means. Other than that, that's all that happens. I don't need to explain myself to people :P

-Jesse

Link to comment
Guest LizMarie

When I came out to my wife, I adopted a strategy suggested by my therapist. I started by asking her what her childhood was like and if she ever had doubts about herself. She told me about how she always wanted to travel, go beyond the next hill but as she talked she realized that no, she never had doubts about herself. I then explained that I've always had doubts about myself. From there I explained my doubts about gender, and how the entire culture in which we had grown up in that part of America had forced me to repress everything about myself for many, many years.

I don't know how things are ultimately going to turn out between myself and my wife but I believe that we'll remain friends, regardless of what else happens to us. And that's the key thing, trying to keep lines of communication open to people you love.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Let me try this.

I am a transsexual - no way to hide that. It has taken me a few years to accept that harsh word, but I do now consider myself a transsexual by definition.

BUT

I decided to transition - and have successfully done so. So I now know that while I have been a transsexual my entire life, and always will be, but that I am really a woman now. To be fair I say I am a transitioned woman, a woman who was born transsexual and had to find resolution by transitioning. I am my true self now.

So

The difficult time explaining this was the early years, after my confirmation by a diagnosis of 'transsexual." Back then I turned to people and explained it a bit differently that what I wrote above.

"I am gender dysphoric, and was born with a condition where I could never reconcile my body with what I felt I really was. So all through my childhood, I was a girl and looked like a boy. There was no way to get people to understand so I learned to pretend to be a boy. All my life I have been seen as someone I am really not, but I have tried as hard as I could to live up to the expectations of others. One day I had to just quit being false to myself and all those around me."

"We are transgender people, and except for this condition, we are just like everyone. It is about gender identity, and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I know you cannot really understand, only other transgender ever can, but I do need your support? I really want your support, in my effort to be my true self."

I use 'transgender' - in my definition, transsexuals a part of the transgender umbrella.- so it is true, just not specific.

BUT

At the risk of seeming repetitive let me say again, I have now transitioned, I rarely use the 'transgender' word anymore. I am 'transsexual'.- and a woman - a transitioned woman, but first and last a woman. That is the only way I can be - that's how I define myself.

But it took a while to get to where I am.

So be confident - be honest and be proud of what you are.

Lizzy

Link to comment
Guest Laura T.

i tell people i'm a cow... my pastor don't like that. i hesitate to tell people i'm transgender... much easier to say i cosplay/roleplay/pretend something cool. people cant argue with awesomeness.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Forum Moderator

I've been very into this question recently. Not the words and definitions although they are important but the seemingly unstoppable movement towards honesty with myself and the world. When asked what do i want i can only say i don't know but it comes to me by living honestly. The more i can come out the more i will know where it will all end up. Maybe i'll end up saying give me back my pants and mans life but i don't think so. Its a sometimes slow sometimes very fast movement towards self with running away from issues but by facing them as best i can. Grant me the serenity to accept what i can't change etc. Its not my will being done here. Hopefully it will help others if thats meant for me. What a journey!

Hugs,

Charlie

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

.

Ya know......coming out is not like doing arithmetic, where 1+1 always equals 2.....

Coming out is pliable, bendable, mold-able to fit the situation and the person you're coming out to...

There is no recipe to follow for a successful experience.....

You can listen to what others have done and borrow from that .....

But, every experience is as individual as a fingerprint....

Best of luck...

Huggs

Dee Jay

Link to comment

I avoid saying the word "transsexual" like the plague..

Because I was born intersex, I start there, because for some reason, being a hermaphrodite is easier for 'normal' folk to wrap their heads around. I move onto the story of my ambiguous 'parts', my mis-diagnosis as a PAIS male, the surgeries and what was accomplished, finishing with what my current doctors know to be true..

By the time I point out that I am, in fact, a FEMALE hermaphrodite, the wheels start turning in their heads. Suddenly, they 'get it', they see my TRUE dilemma, that I am a female person stuck in a male life. It is only later that the term 'trans' enters the discussion, and by then, I have side-stepped much of the stigma potential in the situation...

But the FACT is, no matter HOW I ended up stuck in a male life, by virtue of whatever circumstances, I am no more nor less 'transsexual' than any other MTF, but still, I usually find I get a 'pass' and find instant sympathy and concern when coming out. Except with my spouse, that is! lol...

She says she is FINE with me being a hermaphrodite, it is the FEMALE part that gets her upset, the 'trans' portion of the equation...

My advice?

Say 'transgendered' NOT 'transsexual'...

Emphasize the scientific evidence to support your discussion...

Don't let the conversations go on too long, stay focused and calm..

If you feel like you are 'selling' your opinion, back off and let it ride. Tomorrow is another day, give 'em some time to digest your news...

Keep you eyes on the prize. This is the TRUTH of your existence, not an opinion you took on willy-nilly, this is YOU!!

Hope I helped, but, probably not...lol..

:) Svenna

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

I've just had to write a message to someone who runs a theatre group I'm going to hopefully be going to. They know me there and also know very well my mother and sister (which is a down point coz my mother and sister don't accept me enough to use my new name or pronouns yet so I'm hoping that doesn't confuse matters.) and also I don't look good enough to go stealth yet even if they didn't know me so I need to come out to the person who runs the group before I start going again.

...so I thought I might as well post the letter I wrote to her in this thread.

Hi *****,

There's something I wanted to talk to you about before I start coming to ********* on wednesdays.

I was born with a condition created by an imbalance of the hormones before I was born. The hormones are supposed to make a baby form as male or female but they didn't happen in the right amounts so I was born physically appearing female but with a male brain.

Because I appeared female I was brought up as a girl. It's a really tough way to live and caused a lot of problems including depression and self harm. I ended up feeling that I couldn't go on living like that.

Then recently I found out that I can get treatment for this condition. I'm beginning the treatment which includes starting to live as the male I should have always been. I know I don't look very male yet but as the treatment continues my body will hopefully gradually begin to appear more like the man I am inside. For the first time I'm beginning to be truly happy as the person I should have been and a lot of the problems caused by the condition are solving themselves in the process.

I know it's difficult and will probably feel strange while I still look more female than male but in line with the treatment I'm asking if you and others at ********* could please now call me 'Gabe' which I've chosen to be my new male name (I'd look really silly being a man called ***** lol) and refer to me with male pronouns. I know I've been known as ******* at ******** in the past but I hope that the change wont be TOO confusing.

My mum and ******* are finding the process very difficult to cope with as they have been used to seeing me as female but they are used to hearing me referred to as male and by the name of Gabe even though they still use female terms when talking about me. I'm giving them the grace to change this gradually as they are ready but most other people in my life have now been calling me Gabe and using male terms for me for some time now.

I'm very nervous to say all this but I know you're a very accepting person so I hope you'll understand.

Please let me know that you've got this message and if it's ok.

Gabe ****** (previously **** ******)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Very nice letter. I came out to a group of people who have known me as Chuck for 5 years a little over a month ago. They have been understanding and because I present female they accept me as female and with a few slips address me as a femalee except for a former sponsor in the group who loudly proclaims Chuck instead of Charlie. Bless him, he's a good religious man but lacks a bit of tolerance, Maybe i can help him find it.

I,m sure your letter will help but we know that slips are certain and for the most part not intentioned.

Love,

Charlie

Link to comment
Guest CariadsCarrot

Thanks Charlie. I hope the one guy in your group gets his head around things eventually.

I got the most awesome response back from my letter that I could have hoped for. I'm so happy.

Gabe

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 103 Guests (See full list)

    • Sarahnr1
    • MaryEllen
    • Stefi
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
      What do you do when you feel triggered?
    • Heather Shay
      kind of in a null state
    • Heather Shay
      WEARINESS When stress from adverse or challenging events in life occur continually, you can find yourself in a state of feeling emotionally worn out and drained. This is called emotional exhaustion. For most people, emotional exhaustion tends to build up slowly over time.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Willow
    • April Marie
      Stunning, as always, Maddee!! I love those boots.
    • VickySGV
      I am glad your schools are flush with excess spending money, but that is not the situation here in CA.  Back in 1978 an Initiative and Referendum law was passed that limited property taxes severely and basically cut funding from Property Taxes to pennies of the amounts needed to even minimally fund school districts.  Even the U.S. Supreme Court which upheld the law on Federal and Constitutional grounds nevertheless wryly commented in its decision that the state electorate had lost its collective mind in enacting the law.  Our schools are funded through the State's General Fund which receives other tax sources for creating the entire state budget. The General Fund and the legislature try to give  adequate funding  to the primary and secondary school districts as well as college districts and other obligations all from the same limited funds. There are also strict limits on assessing property taxes that actually prevent them from paying for other services directly affecting property ownership which is their proper place, and so even property related services come from our General Fund. Your property tax money seems to be ear-marked for schools which is wonderful and I hope they use it according to your thoughts, but as said we have a different problem out here in CA.  I love my state but do recognize its short comings.  Point of information, the tax law that is creating problems came from the same small area of the state as the proposed referendum on Trans Youth. 
    • VickySGV
      The numbers of those negatively affected are significant and discouraging, but the good news is that "over half" of Trans youth live in safe states, and such states do exist.
    • Maddee
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Seems like a reasonable agreement.  Seattle stays out of Texas, Texas stays out of Seattle.  Weird that the Seattle hospital had a business license in Texas... 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Seems to me the time and cost is already being spent....on lawsuits.  And schools are absolutely flush with cash, at least around here.  They get enough property taxes, they need to learn appropriate use of funds.  Buy a few less computers and a few more bathrooms, and spend less time on athletics and I'd bet you a hamburger that the issue would be solved in a year.   To me, it seems like the whole bathroom thing is like lancing a boil or a cyst.  A sharp initial pain, and done. People are just resistant to doing it.      I think I could solve most of it...but politicians get too much press off of this to want it solved.   1.  Universal use of individual, gender-neutral, private bathrooms 2.  Universal use of individual, gender-neutral, private spaces for changing athletic clothes 3.  Emphasize co-ed rather than gendered sports.  Focus on physical activity, good sportsmanship, and having FUN.  Lifelong enjoyment, not just competition. 4.  Ban for-profit athletic programs at highschool and college levels, and ban betting/gambling related to athletic programs at educational institutions. 5.  Affirm parental rights consistently, rather than treating it like a salad bar.  That means permitting gender-affirming healthcare with parental consent, AND prohibiting schools keeping secrets from parents.  Adopt the "paperwork principle."  If it is on paper, parents 100% have a right to know about it and be informed on paper, including names/pronouns if such are documented.  If it is verbal only, it is informal enough to be overlooked or discussed verbally if needed.
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.texastribune.org/2024/04/22/texas-trans-health-care-investigation-seattle/     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/transgender-louisianans-say-ve-lost-ally-governors-seat-rcna149082     Carolyn Marie
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...