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VickySGV

I just retired from a job where I did field investigation for civil law enforcement for more than 30 years. As a result, I have been trained to be a careful observer and recorder of what I see and hear with my own senses. Add in a small issue of paranoia (yeah they WERE out to get me) and I am aware of things in my world that most people never see or notice even if they see.

It takes the optic nerve to transmit a picture to your brain, and the time lapse from eye nerve stimulation to brain stimulation can be measured. What the brain does with the image is where it gets complicated and time consuming, because it has to find something else to make the image mean something to you. That takes work, and most people's brains are lazy or do not see a need to do the work, so you can't remember or note something more than a few instances ago.

FAST FORWARD, because you can see where I am going with this, so I will. Post your picture here in the context of it being a trans person, and certainly I will see a trans person. Now that I am off duty and you walk by me on the street, I am no longer on hyper observation, and I will see nothing to indicate trans, because I am lazy in my brain, given the chance. On Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills though, I expect to see women dressed as women, even in male chic designs. Outside a CD club a few miles from here, I see trans people on the street and parking lot easily, not because they look bad (but many do for their own reasons [they don't care if they get read there]) but because I know its a CD/ <negative word> Club. In relaxed mode, I would probably clock the natal female SO's as trans also, again, because my brain is lazy too.

Putting your picture here will make you feel good, and thats what we are here for, but remember I will be taking more than a moment to look at it, and YES I WILL find things wrong with a perfect natal <male> <woman> picture. I kid a few of you about posting pictures of your female relatives, and this is meant as a compliment. But as a trained observer who sees people for detail, if you slipped a real picture of your third kissing cousin natal female relative in, I would still find natal male charcteristics there too, and boy would she be ticked off at you. (That would also be against the rules and guidelines and could get you kicked out of here). The more I stare at a photograph the more it will look funny, so here I personally rarely do more than glance at them. Nothing flashes "Danger Will Robinson" and I will go on my way with a thumbs up.

Moral of this story, you can probably pass in public if you simply have the nerve to post a picture here, and even if someone hoots at you here, it won't happen in real life. I have just gotten to the point with myself where this is a gut reaction about me but thats better than a brain reaction. So go out and have fun as the real you. Lazy brain in the other person is a safety net for all of us. If you go to a place with a lot of T folks, yeah you will pass for being T, but maybe thats what you really want.

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Guest Krisina

Vicky that is a good observation about people and the lazy brain. People are not looking for anything out of the ordinary, they are simply going about their ordinary day. If you are in an area you know has transgender folks you might be more observant knowing it the area. etc etc All good points. The lazy brain is a safety net for the rest of us. It might have some holes but it helps.

Krisina

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Guest Lani

I just retired from a job where I did field investigation for civil law enforcement for more than 30 years. As a result, I have been trained to be a careful observer and recorder of what I see and hear with my own senses. Add in a small issue of paranoia (yeah they WERE out to get me) and I am aware of things in my world that most people never see or notice even if they see.

It takes the optic nerve to transmit a picture to your brain, and the time lapse from eye nerve stimulation to brain stimulation can be measured. What the brain does with the image is where it gets complicated and time consuming, because it has to find something else to make the image mean something to you. That takes work, and most people's brains are lazy or do not see a need to do the work, so you can't remember or note something more than a few instances ago.

FAST FORWARD, because you can see where I am going with this, so I will. Post your picture here in the context of it being a trans person, and certainly I will see a trans person. Now that I am off duty and you walk by me on the street, I am no longer on hyper observation, and I will see nothing to indicate trans, because I am lazy in my brain, given the chance. On Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills though, I expect to see women dressed as women, even in male chic designs. Outside a CD club a few miles from here, I see trans people on the street and parking lot easily, not because they look bad (but many do for their own reasons [they don't care if they get read there]) but because I know its a CD/ <negative word> Club. In relaxed mode, I would probably clock the natal female SO's as trans also, again, because my brain is lazy too.

Putting your picture here will make you feel good, and thats what we are here for, but remember I will be taking more than a moment to look at it, and YES I WILL find things wrong with a perfect natal <male> <woman> picture. I kid a few of you about posting pictures of your female relatives, and this is meant as a compliment. But as a trained observer who sees people for detail, if you slipped a real picture of your third kissing cousin natal female relative in, I would still find natal male charcteristics there too, and boy would she be ticked off at you. (That would also be against the rules and guidelines and could get you kicked out of here). The more I stare at a photograph the more it will look funny, so here I personally rarely do more than glance at them. Nothing flashes "Danger Will Robinson" and I will go on my way with a thumbs up.

Moral of this story, you can probably pass in public if you simply have the nerve to post a picture here, and even if someone hoots at you here, it won't happen in real life. I have just gotten to the point with myself where this is a gut reaction about me but thats better than a brain reaction. So go out and have fun as the real you. Lazy brain in the other person is a safety net for all of us. If you go to a place with a lot of T folks, yeah you will pass for being T, but maybe thats what you really want.

Agreed!!

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Guest Kelly-087

I see transition photos, and I know they are trans as you said.

but I know I wouldn't give them a second look in every day life. I even knew a trans boy that looked like a girl to me, but because of his insistance that he was male no one really doubted him.

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VickySGV

Bumping this one up, the same sentiments I had when I wrote it are sufacing again.

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Guest KarenLyn

This same thing is why it can be difficult to transition on the job. The "lazy brain" says "Oh, there's so-and-so, really a ...". I'm not saying that can't be and isn't regularly overcome. It can just make it take a little longer.

My observation and 2¢ worth,

Karen :)

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Guest noeleena

Hi,

heres one for you , what about a person who is female , yet her looks are more masculine what then facial that is , yet her body over all is female, , you see many of us dont have that female feminine look about us and theres any number of reasons ,

Some of us are born this way some for surgery reason or other with disfiggerments ,

i know theres many dressers and others who wont to be like women and just dont have what is needed,

Even if your looking as you said sometines you you dont all ways see what you think you see .

My photo shows that very planly and i dont try or hide the fact of how i look , so i,d be clocked as said yet am i a male ...no...so if im judged on my looks then , i,ll be writen off as male , till one gets to know me as a person they find im not male just a normal female .

so what would you look for in a person just on sight alone because that can be very wrong . and i,v proved that with a woman i know and seen and Jos was with me as well and both of us heard her she sounded just like a deep voiced male till we saw her ,

So from that i dont base my thinking just on looks alone now as was proved in this case, ...interesting ,

...noeleena...

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Charlize

I'm glad you brought this topic up again Vicky.  I think context certainly has a great deal to do with it.  i've noticed that cis gendered women have trouble passing as themselves (female) at support groups.  One sees flaws in all of those who pass perfectly in the world.  I remember when i first went out paying extra attention to what it was that made my eye and brain say "female".  Hair, shape, clothing, size etc.  There are many factors and when a few of them run together without anything that screams male like a beard( i know cis women who shave) we see female.  

The majority of us definitely fit within the broad range of female appearance.  If we are very tall or huge in the shoulders it may bring questions but when other clues say female the brain goes that way especially if we have the confidence to see that as our own reality.

I allowed a young woman to run our sawmill to cut some of her flooring last weekend.  Her husband posted pictures of her Facebook and friends commented on how brave she was to do it.  She replied that all of the new flooring for her house was being cut by a 68 year old woman.  

We see what we are presented with and accept it without the questioning so many of us think others must do.

Relax and be yourself.  Life is more fun and peaceful that way.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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tracy_j

In general terms Vicky I would agree.

My experience has also shown me that if one is somewhat half and half, that is when people have to look more closely for clues. In passing (literally) this is not an issue as people just glance and the moment is gone but in an extended encounter it can be an issue. Alternatively when one is obviously female with a dress, or similar,  one is taken as female without a second glance.

The result of this is that, although it appears more risky, it is better to be obviously female. That has been my experience.

Tracy

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Jani

You're correct about the passing moment and that the extended encounter.  I recently was faced with an extended close visit with a stranger (was buying a car, private sale) and I had my concerns with passing but as I was dressed appropriately and behaving correctly I had no issue.  When I went back to pick it up several days later I continued to be the kind of person they (husband/wife) expected and I was treated warmly.  Yes, it was a fun experience even though I wasn't able to probe about the vehicle as "he" would have.  

Jani  

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Tessa

I have a very skinny body and very pretty eyes. It is easy for me to wear dresses and skirts. My face looks very young and many people guess me in my younger 30’s.  I shave my facial hair as best I can but there is still a shadow. If I put on makeup and my wig I think I could pass it’s the facial hair that gives me away as a male. I act very female and that is normal for me. It use to bother me but not anymore. I use to try to sit like a male and force myself to try to be masculine but now I don’t. I have gone out in public with my wig on but not a dress or skirt. I want to be beautiful! I just can’t be all male. I think it’s a lot how we carry ourselves and act. When I am mistaken as a female over the phone. I get excited! I work on a phone job. If I could get over thinking for people then I could feel more free to be me. 

 

You create the world around you. What you see and observe. So even if they are looking you don’t know what their thinking. I get a lot of smiles in my day. I let my female side lead and I find I’m much happier and calmer. 

 

I want to be brave! 

 

Love all

 

Tessa👩‍🦳

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Ellora

Hi! When I sported a “beer belly,” short hair, and hairy legs, I never really “felt female “ when I looked at myself in the mirror or pictures. In the past two years I have drastically changed my looks. I have been removing my body hair, from the nose down, and letting my hair grow on top for 8years. I have kept my body weight down and plan on losing more, especially now that I’m on HRT, weight distribution has helped and should help as time passes.  My smooth legs and long hair have made me feel better in private and public cause I have gotten second looks from both men and women. If i didn’t have facial hair I would be more confident in passing if I wore the right makeup. I know that my bone structure in my face would be a tell, but I need to learn how to do my makeup properly. I want to have my makeup done professionally someday. I will definitely have my makeup done for Pride 2019. Another issue has been my boy parts. They make me feel self conscious. I haven’t tried to wear a gaffe yet, but I  will feel much better getting an Orchiectomy, so I don’t have to use special gaffes or duct tape, 😂. I can’t wait until I can wear some of my thongs I’ve saved, and a ton I want to buy someday after my surgery. I will feel much better when I finally get the courage to wear my skirts in public. Soon! 

I must say that the Snapchat gender filter has boosted my confidence level on passing with makeup 100%! I just got it, but I love it already and know what I will be doing after I get home tomorrow, and the next day....I will be putting on makeup, and trying on different outfits and taking a ship ton o pics using Snapchat!! Very excited. I think confidence helps people looks, and being more comfortable definitely helps. 

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Tessa

Sounds like your on your way girl! It’s a little harder for me because I can’t get myself to go in hrt. I want to be able to express my inner woman without it. Is that cheating? I don’t have any insurance right now and little money. Is there anyway you can remove your facial hair without hrt? I wish I was shorter. My body is tall and skinny. I feel I was shaped like a toothpick. 

I was called that when I was a kid. 

 

There’s nothing like coming back from work and putting on a mini skirt and bra and t-shirt and just walking around in my apartment. I know it’s a secret place but no one can judge me there. Today I stepped outside in my mini skirt and wig and sag down in my lawn chair. That was a big step for me! 

 

I have a guy friend who is ok with me dressing up but my family is totally against me. In fact I once got brave and went to my moms house with my wig and my step dad made fun of the situation and said I looked like a clown. That hurt. Then during a party my mom had for my girls (I’m divorced) I say girls but one girl wants to be a boy. My Step dad mentioned the wig and laughed. That hurt. Don’t they know that’s a part of me. 

 

To be trans is hard. I won’t lie. But when I’m Tessa with my guy friend it’s amazing! He once thought I was gay but we’ve covered that. He once liked me but we covered that. Now we’re friends and he does tease me but it feels so good when he calls me Tessa and Monday night he treated me like a woman. I won’t lie. When we were sitting on the couch watching on his phone Game Of Thrones I was dressed in a dress almost cuddling up to him. I guess I was feeling like a girl at that time. Was I wrong? 

 

I just want peopld to see that lovely, energetic, sexy side of me. I’m going to PFlag and I want to be able to dress up there. They know me as Tessa.  I feel really alone in all of this. As soon as I get insurance I want to see a gender specialist. 

 

I’ve said way to much here. I guess I just neeed to talk a little. It helps. Read my poems Ellora. I think you would enjoy them. 

 

Love to all❤️

 

Tessa 

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Ellora

Hi Tessa! You are woman, and it is your life, you choose how you live it. HRT is one way, but not the only way to “remove hair.” HRT does not guarantee hair loss, there are different factors that will be taken into consideration. If you do take HRT, that could change your body shape, depending on how the weight distribution factors into that. Genetics, and the shape other family member might give you an idea. I wish I was taller, but alas I am not.

 

Enjoy your sacred place, everyone should have one. I can’t wait until I am able to take walks in my skirt. 

 

No disrespect, but your mom and step dad sound like they are toxic for you and your kids. 

 

Thats really cool cool that you have a friend that you can feel good being with. You are never wrong when you feel like a girl, enjoy it!

 

i hear you, I want to be able to feel and be myself in public. I too feel alone, but I enjoy all of the baby steps that I make, and want to be patient with how this is transpiring , because I have found it is best not to rush good things. If you have a LGBTQ organization near by, they should have therapist that could help you.

 

i will check out your poems, thank you!

 

thank you for your kind words, I hope you find peace in your journey!

 

 

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DeeDee
4 hours ago, Tessa said:

I was dressed in a dress almost cuddling up to him. I guess I was feeling like a girl at that time. Was I wrong? 

Nothing wrong with feeling like a girl, but be careful of sending out mixed signals with your guy friend there is a difference between chilling out and snuggling. Permanent hair removal costs, you just have to budget although lots of folks on here seem to have gotten deals to help ease the financial pain a bit.

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Tessa

Ellora, 

 

I recently have joined PFlag. I could ask them about a therapist. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. 

 

I’m beginning to have a lot of trans dreams. Never had them before. I’m my dream I am a woman but still feel like a man. I never see my face but I know that I am different. I dreamt I was in a beauty pageant last night. Some people were judging me but others were supporting me. 

 

In the morning i love to put together an outfit that matches everything. Even down to the panties I wear. I only wear a bra at home. Do girls want to match everything? 

 

I love just being me at work. I work at a bank that has been supportive of me. At one time I changed my name. They gave me a new name tag for my desk and everything! But I then changed back because it just felt weird. They told me any time I want to be Tessa I they will gladly do that for me. 

 

I never really loved myself in my marriage. It was always about her.  I was a slave and she made me do things I was uncomfortable with. She would also verbally abuse me in front of my children. 

I was the cook, driver, provider, but not her lover. I think it went all down hill when I lost my job. She blamed me and then she went back to school. I did everything and worked a dead end job. 

 

I love to shop and have quite the wardrobe. People and family have told me I buy to many clothes. I like to look nice and wear a different outfit everyday. I feel clothes are an expression of how we feel about ourselves. The are the only tool to show the world who we are. You have your nails, face, hair, and body as well but clothes have a big part. What do you think? 

 

Being a man is hard for me. I was made fun of in school for my skinny body which I see now as a blessing! I can easily fit on skinny jeans. I am 5,11 though thanks to my dad. A little tall for a woman. 

 

I want to be my authentic self. Regardless of what that may look to the world. I am a beautiful woman inside and that’s what I want to show! I maybe mixed but the man part of me is very small. 

 

I love to talk. 

 

Tessa

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Ellora

Hi Tessa! 

The people at PFlag would be a great resource for a lot of your questions and to talk to, and the people attending their events. I am fortunate I live in an area that next to a very friendly to our community. Glad that you have a place to go too.

 

i have had very few trans dreams, but nothing notable. If I have, I haven’t recalled any just yet. Sounds like your Beauty pageant dream was a reflection of how you might feel day to day, some people judging you and some not. 

 

Im sorry to hear that you had a bad marriage. Mine was not a good one either. That goodness that is now in the past. I’m very happy with the relationship I have with my kids now. Toxic relationships are bad and a waste of time.

 

If I had more chest of drawers I would buy more clothes 😂. I have never been so into clothes, until I started to buy women’s clothes. As soon as I felt comfortable buying women’s clothes, I couldn’t stop 😂, until I realized I was going to run out of space 😂. I’m now holding off buying bras and tops, cause I want to wait until my breast start growing. I don’t want to waste any money in case the bra sizes change too drastically. If they do grow big enough to make a difference, then I’ll need a ton more of money, cause I have been eyeing a lot of bras 😂. Kinda the same with panties, i have a ton of thongs I have an eye on after I get my Orchiectomy. There is only one type of thong I can comfortably wear right now. I have one and a half drawers just for panties, and a full half with panties that will fit better afterwards too. Shopping for women’s clothes make me feel better for many reasons. I’m  Expressing myself how I felt at the moment of purchasing, how it made me feel after I bought it, how I feel every time I think about how I feel when I’m going to wear it, and during when I can walk around my place, and dreaming of when I can go out in public. I don’t know others feel, but it makes me feel good, and that’s what counts. I have been growing my hair out for about 8 years, and  just the last three years I have been letting it flow when I want. I love my long curly hair and plan to let it grow as long as it can. I know I get looks, but I also get a lot of compliments.  I don’t wear nail polish too much, but it makes me feel good when I do wear it. I looooove lipstick, it is a must when I’m at home, and will wear it everywhere when I can. Same with mascara and eyeliner, love it!!! The color reflects  how I feel at the moment. I love my long legs so wear shorts alllll the time, and I know I get looks in public by both men and women. Look all you want. I can’t wait until Pride, I plan to have fun going out in public in full compliment. I’ll probably be floating on air the whole time! You should enjoy it too, even if someone’s else doesn’t understand. Others do not need to understand what we are doing all the time. They have their own lives  to worry about. Sometimes people get jealous when others live their lives the way they want to. People get scared when others aren’t sheep like they are. Sorry, not sorry, My Life, My Rules. 

 

I bought a bunch of 5” seam shorts and threw away all of my cargo shorts and pants. I got rid of my baggy clothes and I’m trying to watch my weight. I wish I was as skinny and tall as you. There are sooo many skirts, blouses, and dresses I would buy!! It would be sooo much easier to buy bras and tops, especially the cute ones. And the skirts and panties. Enjoy the advantage you have buying clothes! 

 

I am am the Happiest when I can be myself, and that’s when I can be the woman I truly am. It will happen, it is happening. Revel in the small things and baby steps. Oh and when you feel “butch,” be butch, don’t feel bad if you are not as feminine at the moment. Be yourself! I hope you have a wonderful life ahead of you. Don’t let others discourage you. If they are toxic, then phase them out, or set your boundaries when you are with them. 

Enjoy life, enjoy yourself! 

😘

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tessa

Thanks. 

 

You sound like a very sweet person.  I wish I had more confidence in myself not to worry what others think. Even when I dress up in bright clothes I’m looked at a little strange. I don’t care. I don’t wear my wig in public or work. 

 

I do have a lot of mini skirts and they feel great! I love them!  Not to many dresses though. I get embarrassed buying them so I never try them on. I need to get over this. Who cares what the dressing person thinks right?

 

Anyway. Keep up your confidence girl! 

 

Ttyl Hon 

 

Tessa 

 

 

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Tessa

DeeDee, 

 

Thanks for your reply. I think what attracts me to him is that he is nice to me and let’s me be the girl. He says he doesn’t like people but me and him get along so well. He doesn’t really take care of himself much though. Same clothes all the time. I asked him why? He said he likes himself that way. So that’s cool. It’s weird having these feelings. I like girls but I am attracted to men in some way to. If we could put gender aside I think true love is from the heart. I’m so confused. I feel mostly like a woman but still have feeling like a man. Crazy. 

 

I feel Tessa is who I really am but to look like her is work. I mean making people see you as a woman. My inside screams woman! 

 

I get lonely and depressed when I’m alone. When I dress up like Tessa all of that seems to fall away. I love to write, color, take photos, style, read, and take the beauty in of the world and people. I love bright colors and sunsets and romantic movies. I love the feeling of freedom inside myself. Not trying to be someone I’m not. I love wearing jewelry. 

 

I feel emotions of people and want to cry with them. Especially st my job with the customers who have to give up their cars. I’m a collection specialist and sometimes it’s a hard job. 

 

I just needed to say these things

 

Tessa

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Ellora
19 hours ago, Tessa said:

Thanks. 

 

You sound like a very sweet person.  I wish I had more confidence in myself not to worry what others think. Even when I dress up in bright clothes I’m looked at a little strange. I don’t care. I don’t wear my wig in public or work. 

 

I do have a lot of mini skirts and they feel great! I love them!  Not to many dresses though. I get embarrassed buying them so I never try them on. I need to get over this. Who cares what the dressing person thinks right?

 

Anyway. Keep up your confidence girl! 

 

Ttyl Hon 

 

Tessa 

 

 

 

You're welcome, and Thank you! I wish I was brave enough right now to be able to go out in Public in the clothes i would rather wear. My confidence is building and ever growing, it isnt always there, but im working on it.

 

The dresses I have were purchased on Amazon. I cant wait until im brave enough to try and buy them at a real store. I only buy my camisoles and other prepackaged clothes at Costco.  I have two stores I have in mind, and cant wait until i go some day. I also buy my skirts online. I prefer to buy the wrap skirts, cause they are easy to put on, comfortable, some come with great colors.

Take your time, dont pressure yourself, when the time is right, it will happen. My anxiety builds up if i pressure myself, and for now amazon and costco will do. 

 

Thank you again, and best wishes for everything that makes you happy!

 

=Hugs= 

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      Alex Blitzen
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      Beverley50
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      Em
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      Jlandry1970
    5. Michelle48
      Michelle48
      (50 years old)
  • Posts

    • Kole Rickard
      Hello! I am Kole. My birth name was Kaitlyn. I didn't exactly choose the first letter to be the same for my name.  The name Kole or Cole was a name I really enjoyed. I don't exactly know how I came up with it or how I settled with it. It just kind of happened. Since I enjoyed the name, I needed to figure out how it suited me, so I did just that. I also tried a few other names but I didn't exactly like how any of them sounded with me. Cole was a name that a ton of my friends made up for me when I was.. around 7-8. I liked the name and I kinda stuck with it. The name didn't stick with me though. It was soon forgotten by friends but I still loved it. I would always sign papers, signatures, and things similar to that. It confused my parents and they disliked it so I stopped for a while. I am now 15 and I started to do it once more when I was 13. I messed with the lettering and found that the K is Kole is more like me. It is not used often and it has some contact with my birth name. It reminds me that I am still the same boy from the past. I have been openly transgender for 2 years now, but more comfortable for 1.    Now on to you, as soon as I read Samuel, I though of Samantha. Though, I think that is too easy. Though I don't know you too well, I don't have a vibe of how you are. If your friend suggests more earthy or down to earth names I would say out of the 3, Holly. I would think a good name as well would be Juniper, Brook, or Fay.
    • MaryEllen
      I will second what Vicky said. Over the counter, herbal hormones are bad news. To have any effect what so ever, you would have to take them in massive amounts.  The amounts you would have to take would be very toxic to your system. Leading to deep vein thrombosis, stroke, heart attack, liver damage among other things. I strongly advise you not to do it.   MaryEllen
    • Kole Rickard
      Nichole, I know this is very difficult to live with, and even more difficult that it is having an impact on your marriage. I really think therapy is a good thing for you right now. If it is necessary, I would say even couples counseling should be looked into if things with her gets worse. All I can say is don't give up and try to stay motivated. Take her comments lightly and don't let they get to you. I wish you good luck! 
    • NotSamuel
      Hey I’m pretty new on this forum but I thought I’d start it off with a pretty open-ended question.  My birth name is Samuel, and for the last two years I’ve been identifying as transgender. I’m finally starting to come out and explore my identity a bit more, which is why I’m looking for a name. Ive been experimenting with names a bit, Samantha being an obvious choice, and Chloe, which I used for a while online. However I need a name now that represents me more as a person. I don’t want to go by a name like Samantha jus because it’s the female of my birth name. I’ve asked my parents and they didn’t have a female name lined up just in case so I’m left to decide for my own. One of my friends suggested an “earthy” type name, or something feminine but still a little tough. So far I’ve narrowed that down to a shortlist: - Holly - Hazel - Erin   basically if you’ve got any suggestions, literally anything, I’d be really glad to take them. Or even if you have good advice or anecdotes about how you chose your own name, any comments whatsoever would be greatly appreciated. So yeah, thank you in advance if you do decide to make any suggestions:)
    • Nichole Spencer
      As I sit here at my desk dressed as Nichole. I like the way it feels to be dressed as my feminine self. I love my long hair I have grown out. It's kind of scraggly right now as I have had weight loss surgery and one of the side effect is loosing hair. That's will turn around eventually. I have always had very thick curly hair. I love how it looks when I run my straightener through it. I like being able to style it. even though I'm not very good at it yet but I will learn. I have a limited wardrobe but do find the time to dress to express this side of my self. My wife and I work opposite shifts so I just have to be careful to reclaim all the evidence. She is aware of my feminine self but she is absolutely not supportive in any way. I say that but she allows me to wear Pantyhose, tights and leggings (even out in public). Grow my hair long. Wear guy appropriate jewelry (Earrings, Bracelets. I even have some piercings (which I love) that would go either way. I also keep my legs and armpits shaved. I had my chest shaved for the longest time but she has asked my to stop doing that. I'd shave it right now if I could do so without upsetting things.  I believe It's certainly an attempt to compromise with me. I was honest with her when we met. I told her about my Nichole side. But I wasn't dressing at the time and had no desire to do so. That's what I told her and at the time it was the truth. Somewhere along the way the desire came back. I have no idea what changed to bring this back. She did say the other night that if she knew this would come into our lives as much as it has. She's not sure she would have still married me. But she also said we have 18 yr's together and that's a lot of investment. So I'm guessing at this point she's not contemplating divorce. But I do believe she's hoping desperately that I can leave this part of myself in the past. Honestly I'm not so sure that this is even an option at this point. I have been doing or fantasizing about this stuff like so many others since I was 4-5 years old. So it's pretty much sewn into my life fabric so to speak. I am just hoping we can come to some sort of compromise. What that is at this point, I don't know. On my tv in front of me I have pics and gif's running on a slideshow. The pics/gifs vary through the whole spectrum. Crossdresser's/Transsexuals as well real women, "dressed to kill" as I say and in various sexual situations. Both straight and transsexual. I can enjoy images and videos covering the whole spectrum of sexuality...except. I can't get into gay sex. I means that as 2 guys, However If one is dressed and acting feminine. I'm good.  I am seeing a therapist to help me sort this all out. From that therapy I have concluded that it started due to my mother. She wasn't the most emotionally available person in the world. I had a sister that come into the world when I was 4. My older sister told me the love moved from me to my baby sister. My father was a soldier and it was during the Korean and Vietnam conflict's so he wasn't around much. So I was going through my early formative years with no male role model and surrounded by females. As I said, I'm seeing a therapist. It has been very helpful but I'm hoping to use this forum as a means of self exploration and as a source for other people input's and experiences that might help me sort myself out. I am NOT looking for sexual encounters or anything of that nature. So please don't even try. However, If you feel you have experiences/insight that I might find helpful, please feel free to post comments.   Thanks for listening. Nichole Spencer  
    • VickySGV
      This thread --- https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/77407-conflicting-information-from-my-son/?tab=comments#comment-693841   I do agree with what the other Admin and Moderator said about seeing that he gets to a therapist who knows gender issues along with the ADHD and anger issues.  As much as we love our children there does come a time when we cannot have them rule us as well.  
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the forums and I hope you can find what you need here.  The bad news is that on these Forums we cannot discuss "Hormones" from shops like you have.  The spellings of the one word, and the phrase "Anti-testosterone" tell me these are NOT medically prescribed products.  THEY ARE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH and could prevent you from ever being able to complete your transition and live a healthy and joyful life.    The scenario is that those types of "hormones" (which could be fine if you were a rooted plant) will do nothing if taken in "safe doses" and so you say dirty words and move on to toxic doses that could easily lead to liver damage, which facilitates Deep Vein Thrombosis blood clots, which can break loose and travel into your lungs or your brain without having done a thing to give you hormone benefits of body change.  Even prescribed doses of actual Human Hormones have the same potential, but with the human stuff you will be under competent medical care and will be tested to see that they are not toxic.  Your OTC "vitamins" are not controlled and you may become ashamed to talk to your PCP in time to prevent tragedy.  The tragedy actually happened to the original founder of this web site.  Please take them back for a refund,. or throw them out and consider the price to be tuition to a school of experience.
    • michelle_kitten
      Heeey!
    • Pidge
      Thanks to both of you for the advice! I’m terrible at checking in online but it means a lot to hear those words. I’m trying to take them into consideration and just slow down a little. I tend to live anxiously and at a fast pace, but you’re right, it’s a lot better when you slow down and breath. This past week alone has had a lot of changes and realizations in it and sometimes that overwhelms me. But at the end of the day, when I’m alone in my home, I need to work on slowing down and just existing. It’s exciting to think about what life might have in store for me one day, but it’s also exhausting. Thanks again for the great advice, it’s really nice to hear from people that have felt similar feelings.
    • BowlofPetunias
      See the thread below for how he has been discussing it.  He only told me about the transgender issues about two weeks or so ago.  I have encouraged him to go to the GSA at school and I hope he will go to the state pride festival with me next month.
    • VickySGV
      Thank you for a better picture here.  You do in fact have your hands full there and it is going to be difficult.  You do have a responsibility and sadly you have only a short time -- two years is but an eye blink as I found.  With those facts about his behavior I doubt there is too much that would convince him to change his ideas.  I am not a medical professional, I am a retired tax collector who does have three adult children.  It would hurt, I know if he got into some trouble with the law, but it may be the way to get some serious third party help.  Perhaps talking to your local Police Department Human Trafficking team would be the best help for now.   Unless he is discussing his Gender issues though, his needs are outside of what we really have a clue on here.
    • CaraMC
      Hiya all,   I have been married for just under 10 years and we do not have kids, she has a high flying job and goes everywhere on business and with friends all the time.   I told my wife a couple of days ago I am MTF and transitioning, she said she would support it but would not support hormones or surgery was worried this would kill me very quickly.   What do you guys think? I am very determined to take medication and have surgery. I have been living with this since I was 5 and now I am 30!   Have a good one ladies   Cara
    • CaraMC
      Hiya all,   I am just new to the forums, I have been in the wrong body for just under 25 years now and at 30, I was either going to take the plunge or just live out my days miserably.   I decided to take the plunge, the NHS waiting list is between 2 - 5 years, as such, I found a shop in Manchester called Transformation, which has been there for around 30 years and they sell hormones. I have bought these (HRT, Oestrogen & Anti Testosterone Pills), I checked the credibility and they seem fine.   I wanted to have your guys thoughts, self medicating until I get to the medical help needed? This means I would pro-actively do liver and blood tests to ensure nothing went wrong?   What do you ladies think?   Best wishes,   Cara
    • killjoyaiden
      Ugh that makes me so mad. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and inconsiderate. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's just... ugh, it's terrible. So terrible.   We love you, Amy.
    • Ellora
      Yes, very active. That's why I love this area!  This therapist was recommended. Im looking forward to this meeting, i feel like im just got to let it all out lol, Ill probably run over time lol. 
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