Hi...here's some of my life story

[Guest B This way dd]

I am new here. I thought I would say hi to everyone. I had to write a life story for my counselor and thought it might be okay to post here...

I remember when I was about 5 or 6 years old being dressed up in my older sister xxxx’s dance tutu. My mom and sister and one of her girlfriends dressed me up and fawned over me. I remember loving that except the part where my mother wanted to take me dressed like that to where my older brother xxx was practicing with his band. I screamed when we got just outside the door of where he was. My mother relented and allowed me to go back upstairs.

I remember taking baths with my mother. It was probably a Japanese thing. I remember being disgusted by my penis and not wanting to touch it. My mother used to say it was dirty and I should wash it. I didn’t want to touch it so I would beg her to wash it for me. I hated it even then. I didn’t take showers or baths with my mother for too long. I don’t remember when we stopped that exactly.

My sister had a doll that was about my size…no kidding it was little girl sized. I was dressed up in her clothes by my sister and then I would sneak wearing her clothes on my own. I was sad when I outgrew her clothes. My sister gave me a Barbie to play with. I didn’t much like Ken though. She gave me a round Barbie doll case to keep my dolls in. One day, I wanted to bring my dolls to a friends house and my sister wouldn’t let me. I used to sneak into my mother’s drawers and wear her clothes. I was very careful to put everything back the way I found them.

Eventually, I was caught by my sister wearing the doll’s clothes. She told my parents. I was made to wear my sister’s dance leotard and told to walk by myself to the drugstore and buy a candy bar and come home. I felt humiliated.

I remember praying to God at night wishing that He would change me into a girl when I woke-up the next morning. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep desperately begging God to change me into a girl. He never answered those prayers.

We had a key to our neighbors home. Sometimes in 6^th, 7^th, and 8^th grades, I would sneak into their house and steal Sally’s (the mother of my friends) clothes and take them home with me. Over time, I accumulated a lot of her clothes. I kept them in an old suitcase under my bed. I loved dressing in those clothes and feeling like a girl. One day in 8^th grade, I came home and found someone had dug through all of the things I had under my bed and found my suitcase. My dad confronted me, yelling, “You don’t know what you want.” He was naked when he yelled this at me. He was so angry. He threw out my things.

My dad often went around the house naked. Usually when my mother wasn’t home. He would even spend hours outside in our backyard naked while doing yard work or taking a nap. My friends in the neighborhood found out about this and would ridicule me about it. They would shout things like “nudy XXXX” over and over. I told my mother this once. I said my dad was embarrassing me in front of my friends. The next time my dad was home alone with me he said, “You told your mother I embarrass you in front of your friends?!! Well you embarrass me in front of God!!!” My dad would beat me throughout my younger years. He used a belt (either end buckle or not it didn’t matter to him) once he used an extension cord, another time it was an umbrella, rarely he punched me on my arm.

Eventually, I snuck back into my neighbor’s home and took more of Sally’s clothes. Eventually Sally got divorced from her husband and moved away. That was the end of my getting clothes for a long time. My dad had a stash of penthouse magazines that I discovered when I was in 6^th grade. I loved looking at the pictures of those women. I so wanted to look like them. I still remember the names of two women I desperately wished I could be. Stephanie MacLean and Avril Lund.

I went to an all boys’ high school. It was very rough in the beginning. My freshman year was awful. I made the mistake of crying in Algebra class my freshman year. The first year teacher, Angie XXXX kept asking me question after question and getting angrier and angrier that I couldn’t answer her. I was made fun of a lot. Freshman year the PE teacher gave me a racist nickname that I don’t even want to write or say to this day. It became my name for more than two years. By my third year of high school, my classmates gradually stopped calling me by that name. In my senior year, only two kids still called me by that name. I used to wear a girdle to school when I didn’t have PE class. I didn’t have a lot of friends. Eventually, I came to know everyone in my class. I nearly won an election to be a class officer (treasurer) by the time I was a senior. Being a XXXX school, the priests, religion classes, and especially the retreats helped us all grow up and mature.

I went to State University and majored in chemistry until my junior year. I had decided to volunteer for a crisis telephone hotline called CRISIS HOTLINE. It was a way of donating my time for lent. The extensive training program for volunteers was developed by teachers in the clinical and counseling psychology department at COLLEGE. I loved my experience there so much that I changed my major to psychology. I became an individual and group trainer while I was a volunteer there. Eventually I was the student representative for COLLEGE to the CRISIS HOTLINE board of directors. I was hired on part time to work on the referral book that was a source of income for CRISIS HOTLINE. I still use many of the things they taught me in that training program.

I distinctly remember the day I was walking into work at CRISIS HOTLINE and debating in my mind whether I should change my sex or not. In just that short walk from my car to my office door, I had gone back and forth so many times, I felt like my head was spinning. I decided to go see a counselor in the student counseling center at COLLEGE. I met with an intake worker and was assigned to Judy counselor, MS. She was a good counselor but she knew little about transgendered people. Once during the two years that I met with her, she asked me to come dressed as a female. I did. She complimented me on my appearance and during that counseling session suggested I go to a nearby University campus and visit a bar or two dressed as I was. I thought she was crazy. I didn’t think I could pass well enough and I was sure I was going to be beaten up. One of the main themes Judy talked to me about was being a “non person.” In part to describe this Judy would say I would give the shirt off my back to anyone.

I continued to struggle with figuring out if I should become a woman or not. I saw a psychiatrist in Chicago a few times. But I couldn’t afford to continue to see him at $100 dollars a visit. That was how much I lived on for a month. He was blind and worked as part of a team that helped people who were transgendered.

During college I joined a fraternity, made a lot of friends-mostly girls. I dated a lot. I had sex a lot. Whenever I dated someone, I would think my gender identity was resolved. It never took very long for that to wear off. I always went back to wanting to be the girl instead of dating one.

One Christmas vacation during college I had gone back to school early after having an argument with my mother. My sister and her husband were there too visiting for Christmas and were involved in the argument. I got back to my apartment in Normal, Il a day or two before New Year’s Eve. On New Years Eve, I had rented a vhs player and a video tape of “crossdressers.” A person named Sulka I was in the movie. I couldn’t believe it was possible to be born a male and look like that. I had no idea how it could be done. All I knew was I hated my body and I especially hated that thing between my legs. I thought if I did this, I would be forced to decide and move on and become a woman. That evening I got drunk to lesson the pain and iced my scrotum until I couldn’t feel it any more. I’ll spare you the rest. After suturing myself back up, the pain came. I was bleeding too. I really thought I could get away with doing this and not having to go to the hospital. I called a friend, Samantha, and she was too sick to take me to the hospital. (She actually had inadvertently given me the idea to castrate myself by telling me a story about someone who had done so and flushed their testicles down the toilet. Interestingly, I put mine in the freezer. Ambivalent to the very end.). Sammie told me to call an ambulance so I did. I was taken to the hospital and the mess I made was cleaned up. I didn’t go to the psychiatric unit of the hospital because of my counselor from COLLEGE. I visited with her several times while I was healing from the surgery. I think I scared myself so much that I just convinced myself to give up any thoughts of transitioning. I was shocked by what I had done. My roommate (a guy) had been contacted by the police and interviewed by them. He came to visit me in the hospital. I was so deeply embarrassed beyond imagining. Once I got out of the hospital, a police officer came to my apartment and interviewed me there in front of my roommate. The cop suggested maybe I did this to myself out of remorse for having raped someone. I told him why and how I did it. I remember him not being so very nice or tactful.

I forced myself to never allow myself to have any thoughts of being a woman. I used thought stopping techniques and completely denied any thoughts in that direction. This actually worked for a very long time.

I met my wife while we were both working in an inpatient psychiatric unit. She was and still is an occupational therapist. This is her second marriage. She has a son from her first marriage…ZXXX. Her ex husband and ZXXX have been the source of a lot of discord in our life together. ZXXX was two when his parents divorced. XXXX was diagnosed as being narcissistic by his counselor (while XXXX and XXXX were going through marriage counseling, XXXX was told he should have his own counselor). This was the basis of their annulment. They divorced about 18 years ago. XXXX and I started dating just before they were divorced. They were separated when we started to date. I wanted to wait until the divorce was over, XXXX didn’t want to wait. I gave in and our relationship grew from there. We dated for two years and then we were married. We eloped (her idea) during a romantic getaway after I had proposed to her. We have been married for 16 years. This is my first marriage.

In my late thirties I became increasingly difficult to live with. I was irritable, lethargic, and angry. When I was about 40, I read a newspaper article about men with low testosterone levels. I had most of the symptoms listed. I eventually saw a urologist who gave me a shot of testosterone that day and a prescription for androgel to be filled. I felt like I had an amazing amount of energy after that shot. Unfortunately, when I got angry, I got really angry. I never hit anyone. I did break a chair by picking it up and slamming it down (it was an antique inherited by XXXX). I had never been an angry person. JXXX used to urge me to get angry especially at my dad. I never did. I thought it was in the past and there wasn’t much I could do about it anymore. At least I didn’t live with him.

I was much easier to be around after I corralled my anger. Eventually, I started getting depressed. I began having feelings about being a woman again. This time I couldn’t stop having the thoughts and feelings. I got on the internet and searched for transsexuals and crossdressers and was amazed at how beautiful they were. I couldn’t believe that people born male could pass so beautifully as women! Their face, their curves, I couldn’t tell they weren’t born female. I told my wife. I showed her the pictures I had found on the internet. She was supportive at first. I thought I had married the most amazing person who accepted me no matter what. I found a counselor, XXXX XXXX, who specialized in working with people like me. I saw XXXX for about a year. She wrote a letter for me to start on estrogen. I began to see Dr. EXXX and he prescribed premarin for me. Dr. EXXX said I had the “gold standard” for transgendered people (having castrated myself). I took the first pill (he gave me samples) when I got in my car for the long ride home. I saw Dr. EXXX for a few times but he was so far from my home that I eventually switched to Dr. XXXX MXXX. I have been seeing Dr. MXXX ever since. He has prescribed estrogen and estratest for me. I have gone back and forth many times to take androgel. Over the past seven years, I have taken androgel for brief periods of time and estrogen for the majority of the time. I decided that once I hit 50 years of age, that I should have decided which gender I would be. So last May of 2011 I decided to take testosterone. In July of 2011, I had my breasts removed. By the end of August I was distraught and depressed that I had my breasts removed. This didn’t force me to decide anything any more than castrating myself in my early 20’s forced me to become a woman.

So here I sit. 50 years old. Living a life not yet lived. I can’t commit to being a male and I am too afraid to become the woman I feel myself to be inside this empty shell of a body. I worry about how this will affect my son XXXX whom I love so dearly. He is 13 yrs old now and loves having a dad. I talked to him during this past year about being transgendered. It came up in conversation about people who are gay and the song “Born This Way.” I told him I was transgendered. He took it well but my wife tells me he is worried that I will transition. I told him I wouldn’t. I don’t know if I can keep that promise. He stands to lose the most in this if I transition. I work at XXXX XXXX High School. XXXX has wanted to go there most of his life. He gets to attend XXXX for free if I continue to work there. That’s $10,000 of tuition free for four years. If I transition, I will have to get a job that will pay for his education there. XXXX has also been looking forward to going to school there because I work there and he can see me during his school day. He is really proud of me working there. So this will be a big loss for him. It’s also possible that he won’t be able to go there at all. Transitioning will mean I will have to find another job. I don’t know what I could find after I transition. I am not confident I will find a job that will allow me to send XXXX to XXXX.

My relationship with L is not going well. We had a talk recently during which I learned that she had thought of having an affair. She said that wasn’t her and she decided against it. She is very lonely in our marriage. She wants more. She stays in our marriage because of XXXX. During our last conversation, L said she would help me try to figure out what I was going to do…transition or not. She told me she would rather stay in our marriage with me if I was going to be male. But If I transitioned, she didn’t want to stay married. I asked her if she would help me learn how to be a woman by doing things like helping me learn how to apply make up or go out together (as two women). She said she would do these things even though she doesn’t really want to. She painted my toenails the other night. She hasn’t gotten upset with me for shaving my legs recently. I couldn’t stand my body getting hairy again. It’s just too upsetting.

I really don’t know what to do. If I transition, it will hurt my son. L will move on and probably finally be happy. If I transition, I don’t know if I could find a job that could support me and what I would like to have for my son. I don’t know what to do. Each time I think I decide to transition or not transition I fail…I sabotage my life in either direction. I don’t want to go on like this anymore.

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, hon, and welcome to the Playground. Thank you so much for this introductory post. You put a lot into it, and I know how difficult it must have been to write.

You've been through an awful lot in your life, and your struggles are heart breaking. I think you would benefit from talking with a gender therapist, who can help you not only with your gender issues, but the family issues and depression and anything else you're going through.

I don't know what the answer will be for you. No one here can tell you that. But I can tell you that many of us, a great many, found our true selves late in life and found happiness. I myself started transition at 56, and I have a wife and a son who was 17 at the time. We are still together and doing well, and I'm happier than I've ever been. My story isn't yours, but I tell you that so that you can have some hope that things could work out.

We live strange lives, lonely and difficult lives, but I've found that that only doors that are permanently closed are those that you never try to walk through.

Please stay with us and ask all the questions you want, and we'll be here for you. If you ever decide on a female name to use here, let a Moderator know and we'll change it for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest B This way dd]

Thanks so much Carolyn. I am going to start with a new therapist tomorrow. I had to write my life story for her. It is a very long story, thanks for reading it. and thanks for your support.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Swee'heart,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[MaryEllen]

Hello B,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest B This way dd]

Thanks for the welcome!!! Things are progressing. I talked to a new counselor, started on an anti depressant, and hopefully...i will have ffs and ba this summer.

[Svenna]

B,

That is one heckuva tale!

Very similar is many ways to my own. I was 50 when I finally turned to face the facts, finally started the process of sorting out all the pain and disappointment...

Your concerns about your wife and offspring are valid, but let me assure you, only by facing our gender issues head-on can we hope to ever be the center of a happy, successful family life. Being untrue to ones true center is a recipe for disaster, no matter how much we wanna believe otherwise...

Thank you for sharing in so much detail, I feel as if I know your situation pretty well, and like I said, I can really relate!

You will find MANY gals here, very similar to both of us, and there is much to be gained by hangin' around and interacting with the gang...

I hope you find your answers and solutions...

Love, Svenna

[Guest angels wings]

Welcome B

I was touched by ur story thank you for letting us share that with you.

[Guest B This way dd]

thanks !

[Guest JenMorse]

That's a remarkable story... In a way, you talked about a lot of fears that I have and I'm sure most other transsexuals have. Life has been tough for you. I'm happy to have been able to read your story.

-Jen

[Svenna]

thanks !

B,

Did I mention that things WILL get better?

They will. Now that you are on track, the walls will fall, many new hopes and dreams will be born, old pain and injuries will be soothed, healed and eventually, forgotten..

Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives. Let's embrace our happiness...

S

[Guest B This way dd]

Thanks svenna, your post is very thoughtful.

[Guest B This way dd]

"We live strange lives, lonely and difficult lives, but I've found that that only doors that are permanently closed are those that you never try to walk through."

Very scary...i keep backing away from walking through the door permanently. it's hard to commit to transition and risk losing everything. I think my wife may have taken a step forward though. She might go out with me as "me." We will see if that is true or not. I have been "me" in front of her a few times late at night after our son goes to bed. That's a big step for her.

[Guest angels wings]

It takes time to get used to . As wives were used to seeing our partners as thy were . We're used to seeing them masculine in everything thy do then the bomb drops and we see a feminen side that most never knew was there. I'm glad to hear ur wife is taking little steps . Those little steps are massive for her . Keep loving keep talking every little bit helps . (((hugs)))

[Guest Shari]

Welcome to Laura's.

After reading your story, I don't know what to say so I will just send you a (((hug))). You've been through so much, with all my heart I hope you find your answers.

BTW, I started my transition at age 53.

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest B This way dd]

Thanks Shari for your hugs. How has transition been for you? I am really scared about going through with this over the summer!

[Guest B This way dd]

Thanks Angel, i am hoping things will progress with my partner. She has been great lately. Before she was just angry but now i think she might just think that helping me transition will give her freedom to go on with her life without me...

[Guest angels wings]

I glass she has been supportive but what gives u the idea it's so she can move on with her life ????

[Guest AllisonJane]

I just want to say reading your story is a touching experience. It is truely an unimaginably tough path you have walked(on a road that is already one of the hardest journeys possible to take in life). Your resilience is a source of inspiration.

I would just like to offer my 2cents of encouragement to you and say it will get better for you. You are taking the steps to truely find yourself and that will lead to feelings of happiness and self-worth that you most likely never thought possible.

I am still very young in my own personal journey ,but I can say this, after a life of never once feeling like I knew myself or like I personally was worth anything to this world, I finally feel like I know who I am. And who I have been my whole life for that matter. I have a feeling of self worth. It's amazing.

I imagine that you are already starting to feel some of these things as well. But even if you aren't ,press on! The happy ending you deserve is on its way to you!

[Guest B This way dd]

AllisonJane, thanks so much for your supportive comments.It has been really hard to go through with transition. I really hope i can find the courage to go on and really do it this time. I just feel like time is running out.