Dear Mom,

[Guest Zack L]

Today I was cornered by my Mom and shrink into coming out. It was not in the way I had hoped, and I was sure as heck not ready. I had wanted to write her a letter to try and explain to her about everything, but instead all she got was "I'm transsexual. I'm a guy." She yelled a lot, and we both said some not nice things. Not a great way to find out, especially on your way to Target. When I got home I went upstairs and wrote this to her and sent it, trying to make her see. After reading this she calmed down and seems to be taking it better. I just enjoy sharing the stuff I write and getting opinion on it, hence why I'm posting this. So yeah. Enjoy.

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry that I’m so different.

I’m not who you thought I’d be.

I’m sorry that you don’t understand.

I’m sorry you can’t see.

The little girl you loved and raised

Was never in the norm.

She couldn’t fit in with the others,

Her heart didn’t match her form.

It’s been a very long hard road,

Both for you and for me.

But I can’t keep on pretending,

Will you listen to my plea?

What I want isn’t a lie.

What I want is to show what’s true:

What always was inside of me

I want on the outside too.

I know that it’s confusing

But what you see outside –

Who I seem to be right now,

Was made so I could hide.

Ever since I was a kid,

I knew something was wrong.

I didn’t know then what it was,

Just that the feeling I had was strong.

The realization hit me young.

It filled me with such awe,

“I got put in the wrong body!”

I was told that was a logic flaw.

I hid those thoughts from everyone,

So nobody could see.

All that went on in my heart;

What I knew I should be.

I tried so hard to fit with them;

To make myself belong.

But make up, skirts, thongs and bikinis,

Always felt so wrong.

I really did try hard to fit.

I want to make you see,

No matter what, I always felt

That this was never me.

I made a discovery a while ago,

That matches to my plight.

Everything about me fits,

I know that this is right.

I’m not just some freak,

Some confused girl asking “Why?”

Because inside my heart and soul

I’ve always been a guy.

I know it’s a big concept.

It’s not something I had planned,

But this is me, who I’ve always been.

I finally understand.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy.

Can you let me change?

Allow me to be who I want?

Can you set me free?

Though the prospect seems to daunt?

Maybe this will help you understand,

I’m not trying to desert!

I have to try to make you see

So you won’t be so hurt.

I want to be called by the name I chose.

I’d prefer to be called “he.”

I like when people say “Hey sir.”

But I understand if you don’t agree.

There are several reasons,

Why my name must change.

None of them are to lose my family,

I guess it might seem strange.

I cannot be a guy named Jenna,

That would give me away.

I cannot keep the name I had,

I’m not trying to betray.

I want to leave this past behind,

The confusion and the tears.

By changing everything in my name

It separates those years.

It makes it easier to move on –

Become who I should be.

If whenever I write my name,

I don’t connect it with “she.”

If I held onto my last name,

My safety would be the exchange.

Too many people would make the connection;

I could never make the change.

My heart and soul are both the same,

My principals and morals too.

Only my perception changed –

My body’s what’s askew.

I’m happy with this, I feel so much relief,

I’m content now that I know.

I’m going to be who I will be,

I’m going to let myself show.

-- Jenna

-- Zack

-- Your kid

[Guest Evan_J]

Perfect.

[Guest Timortinel]

Wow, that was very good.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy

Love that part.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Zack - I am at work - I am not out at work - I have to go run a big meeting in 20 minutes! How am I gonna explain these tears???

Oh Zack... baby

You have me sobbing...

Liz

[Guest Donna Jean]

Zack..............Perfect....

HUGG.....snif' snif'

Donna Jean

[Sally]

I can't imagine a better way to express it, very moving.

I wish I could use that for my mom.

You are a very good writer and are a wonderful, sensitive guy!

It had me crying all of the way through, beautiful!

How could anyone not love a person like you,

Sally

[Guest Frank67]

Wow - that's great.

This is a beautiful, well-written poem.

Frank

[Guest Zack L]

Oh. Wow. I haven't been here in a while (life got rather busy) and now I come back and there's all these wonderful comments. ^^ Thank you guys.

Unfortunately she's still...not taking it well. She avoids the topic at all costs and if something in the mail comes addressed as Zack she flips out and starts screaming. Can't wait til next fall when I get outta here. >_>

[Guest Eagledancer]

Sometimes I feel that there are not enough words in the English language to truly explain myself. My hat is off, and I extend my hand. That is not only well done...dude...you hit it OUT of the ballpark! Your mother has to recognize that this couldn't be a phase or fad or misunderstanding. That poem comes from someone who knows and feels - you! Kudos again on the great poem AND your coming out. Hug yourself! You deserve it.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I still say you did it right. Get it together and get on your own if you have to, but never give up on yourself. And stay in touch?

I said I wasn't out at work in my earlier posting? I am now out at work and they accept me. I couldn't do it if I didn't have Laura's - so MANY brave people here! We trans people - we do things even if it seems impossible.

Zack - good luck on your journey - don't stay away so long this time, we need your poetry...

Lizzy

[Guest Zack L]

Congrats on coming out at work Lizzy, that must of been terrifying. >_< And my apologies for making you cry before, I can imagine that was rather awkward.

And I don't plan on going anywhere again, though admittedly I have writers block, so you likely won't see anything new from me for a while. =P

Thanks Eagledancer, I'm glad you liked it. =3

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

I obviously need to enforce more sleep upon myself Zack...I am so sorry to be adding my confusion to the general conflageration. I saw the Z, thinking of someone else, and without my spectacles I did just that Thank you at any rate for the extreemly moving post straight from your heart. It is no small wonder you won you mom over...you certainly did with me. a still awed, Kelly Ann

[Guest Zack L]

Heh, no worries, I can relate to being sleep deprized and the confusion that brings. =P

I actually didn't win her over. She spent all of dinner tonight picking on me and telling I'm making a horrible choice and that I'm terribly confused, because I've always been confused about everything in my life.

Ahh well, so it goes, right? =/

[Guest Felicia Anne]

zack, that was incredible, and it moved me so much. you do not leave room on your sleeve for a heart as big as yours.

(hug)