Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Dear Mom,


Guest Zack L

Recommended Posts

Today I was cornered by my Mom and shrink into coming out. It was not in the way I had hoped, and I was sure as heck not ready. I had wanted to write her a letter to try and explain to her about everything, but instead all she got was "I'm transsexual. I'm a guy." She yelled a lot, and we both said some not nice things. Not a great way to find out, especially on your way to Target. When I got home I went upstairs and wrote this to her and sent it, trying to make her see. After reading this she calmed down and seems to be taking it better. I just enjoy sharing the stuff I write and getting opinion on it, hence why I'm posting this. So yeah. Enjoy.

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry that I’m so different.

I’m not who you thought I’d be.

I’m sorry that you don’t understand.

I’m sorry you can’t see.

The little girl you loved and raised

Was never in the norm.

She couldn’t fit in with the others,

Her heart didn’t match her form.

It’s been a very long hard road,

Both for you and for me.

But I can’t keep on pretending,

Will you listen to my plea?

What I want isn’t a lie.

What I want is to show what’s true:

What always was inside of me

I want on the outside too.

I know that it’s confusing

But what you see outside –

Who I seem to be right now,

Was made so I could hide.

Ever since I was a kid,

I knew something was wrong.

I didn’t know then what it was,

Just that the feeling I had was strong.

The realization hit me young.

It filled me with such awe,

“I got put in the wrong body!”

I was told that was a logic flaw.

I hid those thoughts from everyone,

So nobody could see.

All that went on in my heart;

What I knew I should be.

I tried so hard to fit with them;

To make myself belong.

But make up, skirts, thongs and bikinis,

Always felt so wrong.

I really did try hard to fit.

I want to make you see,

No matter what, I always felt

That this was never me.

I made a discovery a while ago,

That matches to my plight.

Everything about me fits,

I know that this is right.

I’m not just some freak,

Some confused girl asking “Why?”

Because inside my heart and soul

I’ve always been a guy.

I know it’s a big concept.

It’s not something I had planned,

But this is me, who I’ve always been.

I finally understand.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy.

Can you let me change?

Allow me to be who I want?

Can you set me free?

Though the prospect seems to daunt?

Maybe this will help you understand,

I’m not trying to desert!

I have to try to make you see

So you won’t be so hurt.

I want to be called by the name I chose.

I’d prefer to be called “he.”

I like when people say “Hey sir.”

But I understand if you don’t agree.

There are several reasons,

Why my name must change.

None of them are to lose my family,

I guess it might seem strange.

I cannot be a guy named Jenna,

That would give me away.

I cannot keep the name I had,

I’m not trying to betray.

I want to leave this past behind,

The confusion and the tears.

By changing everything in my name

It separates those years.

It makes it easier to move on –

Become who I should be.

If whenever I write my name,

I don’t connect it with “she.”

If I held onto my last name,

My safety would be the exchange.

Too many people would make the connection;

I could never make the change.

My heart and soul are both the same,

My principals and morals too.

Only my perception changed –

My body’s what’s askew.

I’m happy with this, I feel so much relief,

I’m content now that I know.

I’m going to be who I will be,

I’m going to let myself show.

-- Jenna

-- Zack

-- Your kid

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
Guest Timortinel

Wow, that was very good.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy

Love that part.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Zack - I am at work - I am not out at work - I have to go run a big meeting in 20 minutes! How am I gonna explain these tears???

Oh Zack... baby

You have me sobbing...

Liz

Link to comment

I can't imagine a better way to express it, very moving.

I wish I could use that for my mom.

You are a very good writer and are a wonderful, sensitive guy!

It had me crying all of the way through, beautiful!

How could anyone not love a person like you,

Sally

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Oh. Wow. I haven't been here in a while (life got rather busy) and now I come back and there's all these wonderful comments. ^^ Thank you guys.

Unfortunately she's still...not taking it well. She avoids the topic at all costs and if something in the mail comes addressed as Zack she flips out and starts screaming. -_- Can't wait til next fall when I get outta here. >_>

Link to comment
Guest Eagledancer

Sometimes I feel that there are not enough words in the English language to truly explain myself. My hat is off, and I extend my hand. That is not only well done...dude...you hit it OUT of the ballpark! Your mother has to recognize that this couldn't be a phase or fad or misunderstanding. That poem comes from someone who knows and feels - you! Kudos again on the great poem AND your coming out. Hug yourself! You deserve it.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

I still say you did it right. Get it together and get on your own if you have to, but never give up on yourself. And stay in touch?

I said I wasn't out at work in my earlier posting? I am now out at work and they accept me. I couldn't do it if I didn't have Laura's - so MANY brave people here! We trans people - we do things even if it seems impossible.

Zack - good luck on your journey - don't stay away so long this time, we need your poetry...

Lizzy

Link to comment

Congrats on coming out at work Lizzy, that must of been terrifying. >_< And my apologies for making you cry before, I can imagine that was rather awkward.

And I don't plan on going anywhere again, though admittedly I have writers block, so you likely won't see anything new from me for a while. =P

Thanks Eagledancer, I'm glad you liked it. =3

Link to comment
Guest Kelly Ann

Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

Link to comment
Guest Kelly Ann
Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

I obviously need to enforce more sleep upon myself Zack...I am so sorry to be adding my confusion to the general conflageration. I saw the Z, thinking of someone else, and without my spectacles I did just that :blush: Thank you at any rate for the extreemly moving post straight from your heart. It is no small wonder you won you mom over...you certainly did with me. :blink: a still awed, Kelly Ann

Link to comment

Heh, no worries, I can relate to being sleep deprized and the confusion that brings. =P

I actually didn't win her over. She spent all of dinner tonight picking on me and telling I'm making a horrible choice and that I'm terribly confused, because I've always been confused about everything in my life. -_-

Ahh well, so it goes, right? =/

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 153 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Stefi
    • Ashley0616
    • MaeBe
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • VickySGV
    • Avra
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      767.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. l.demiurge
      l.demiurge
  • Posts

    • Ashley0616
      Nothing wrong with that. I'm glad that you found what makes you happy! Just curious what does your wife think? If it's too personal I understand.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      – According to a recent survey, the most popular name for a dog is Max. Other popular names include Molly, Sam, Zach, and Maggie.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      Either new environment/ not potty trained
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Bob was on his way home from the dojo and he "just happened" to driver by her place. It was 10:30.  Her light was still on.  He knew exactly where she was sitting.  He saw her in his mind.   A fierce wave of desire that took his breath away suddenly showed up. All he had to do was stop, get out of the car, walk to the door and knock.  She would answer, glad to see him.  She would know why he was there and what he wanted. She would invite him in, maybe get him something to drink, disappear for a moment and return in "something more comfortable."  She would lead him back. Oh, joy.   And never, ever speak to him again afterwards.  Or she would not let him in but be angry about it.  In no way, emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, was she ready for this, and he knew it, if he was honest with himself, and she knew he knew it.  She would look upon it as another assault and their relationship would be irretrievably broken.  He would have to leave town. It would devastate her. It would devastate him.    He fought himself.  He was frozen to his seat as his reason and his body fought. He was twenty four years old, a full-blooded male with normal desires; he had just worked out and he was ready.  All he had to do now was open the car door. No one would know. He held his hands, one in the other, to keep one from moving, against his reason and will, to open that door.  He did not want to be a slave of his desires.   He looked across the street.  Mrs. McCarthy, sister of his landlord, was peeking though her window.  She knew his car.  Everyone in town would know by noon the next day if he got out of the car.  Taylor did not need that, either, and she would know, if he came to the door now, what a selfish thing it would be: in his own eyes, in the eyes of Taylor, in the eyes of the town, and worst of all, in the eyes of God.   He sat there a moment longer.  He was, as he reflected, entering into her sufferings in a small way that she would be made whole, healthy and happy: what he wanted more than anything.  But this hurt.  Why had all this come on her?  He asked God again, but there was only silence. He drove home in that silence. He chided himself for even going on her street and for driving on it other nights.  He would stop that, he told himself.   ------------------------------------------   The next morning Taylor went out to her car to go to work.  Mrs. McCarthy met her before she got to it. "I thought you were going to get lucky last night, dearie," she said. Taylor was puzzled. "Why, what do you mean?" "That young fellow - you know, Bob - he's been driving around here, going up and down the street some nights, not stopping.  Well, last night he parked and sat in his car for a while.   I think he was staring at your window.  I think he was trying to get up the courage to knock on the door. I was rooting for him.   But then he drove away.  Faint heart never won fair lady, as they say. What a shame. You two are a lovely couple.  Well, have a good day!" "Thank you, Mrs. McCarthy."  Taylor knew Bob extremely well and knew what had been going through his mind.  She was more than grateful he had not gotten out of the car. Better for him, better for her, better for everybody.  Surgery "down there" sooner than later.  This was driving the poor boy crazy. It was driving her crazy, too.  But she had a lot to work through. Surgery "up here" she said, pointing to her head.  She woke up her therapist on the way to work.  They were still talking when she pulled into her designated parking spot.  That was a perk that had happened yesterday.  She took a deep breath and headed into work. It would be another wild day.
    • Ashley0616
      bittersweet: especially : pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.   You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.   Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      @Willow it is certainly possible that my husband planned it. Placing me in the path of an opportunity....he certainly does things like that. GF has done some work for the company as an outside consultant, so I'm sure the company owner knows what potential resources are around.    It could also have just happened randomly. He has taken me to work with him before, just because he likes to have me around. I remember one time that I fell asleep with my head in his lap, and he held a meeting with his subordinates without waking me and making me move.  The company culture is family oriented and relaxed.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The photo is great.  Software is phenomenal but it also is sort of a promise of things to come. Years ago this sort of thing took a photographer and Photoshop and all sorts of things and you would say, "I can look like THIS??"   Me, I am a duck.  That's from my driver's license.  Just kidding.
    • MaeBe
      I lucked into that picture. I took like 10 before that, which appropriately make me look like a donkey. ;)   Thank you so much for the compliment!
    • Mmindy
      You're welcome Sally,   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      This is a great analogy. The statement is true as it relates to the tree. The analogy fits because we as a LGBTQIA community are stronger when we stand together. It also work here on Transgender Pulse Forums. The support I feel from so many others has made me comfortable with my stance, because I'm in a beautiful forest of friends. So when I'm out alone and confronted. I can respond and act like the single tree in the field, surviving whatever comes my way. My roots reach back and communicate with others like me.    Standing Strong,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...