Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Zack L

Dear Mom,

Recommended Posts

Guest Zack L

Today I was cornered by my Mom and shrink into coming out. It was not in the way I had hoped, and I was sure as heck not ready. I had wanted to write her a letter to try and explain to her about everything, but instead all she got was "I'm transsexual. I'm a guy." She yelled a lot, and we both said some not nice things. Not a great way to find out, especially on your way to Target. When I got home I went upstairs and wrote this to her and sent it, trying to make her see. After reading this she calmed down and seems to be taking it better. I just enjoy sharing the stuff I write and getting opinion on it, hence why I'm posting this. So yeah. Enjoy.

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry that I’m so different.

I’m not who you thought I’d be.

I’m sorry that you don’t understand.

I’m sorry you can’t see.

The little girl you loved and raised

Was never in the norm.

She couldn’t fit in with the others,

Her heart didn’t match her form.

It’s been a very long hard road,

Both for you and for me.

But I can’t keep on pretending,

Will you listen to my plea?

What I want isn’t a lie.

What I want is to show what’s true:

What always was inside of me

I want on the outside too.

I know that it’s confusing

But what you see outside –

Who I seem to be right now,

Was made so I could hide.

Ever since I was a kid,

I knew something was wrong.

I didn’t know then what it was,

Just that the feeling I had was strong.

The realization hit me young.

It filled me with such awe,

“I got put in the wrong body!”

I was told that was a logic flaw.

I hid those thoughts from everyone,

So nobody could see.

All that went on in my heart;

What I knew I should be.

I tried so hard to fit with them;

To make myself belong.

But make up, skirts, thongs and bikinis,

Always felt so wrong.

I really did try hard to fit.

I want to make you see,

No matter what, I always felt

That this was never me.

I made a discovery a while ago,

That matches to my plight.

Everything about me fits,

I know that this is right.

I’m not just some freak,

Some confused girl asking “Why?”

Because inside my heart and soul

I’ve always been a guy.

I know it’s a big concept.

It’s not something I had planned,

But this is me, who I’ve always been.

I finally understand.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy.

Can you let me change?

Allow me to be who I want?

Can you set me free?

Though the prospect seems to daunt?

Maybe this will help you understand,

I’m not trying to desert!

I have to try to make you see

So you won’t be so hurt.

I want to be called by the name I chose.

I’d prefer to be called “he.”

I like when people say “Hey sir.”

But I understand if you don’t agree.

There are several reasons,

Why my name must change.

None of them are to lose my family,

I guess it might seem strange.

I cannot be a guy named Jenna,

That would give me away.

I cannot keep the name I had,

I’m not trying to betray.

I want to leave this past behind,

The confusion and the tears.

By changing everything in my name

It separates those years.

It makes it easier to move on –

Become who I should be.

If whenever I write my name,

I don’t connect it with “she.”

If I held onto my last name,

My safety would be the exchange.

Too many people would make the connection;

I could never make the change.

My heart and soul are both the same,

My principals and morals too.

Only my perception changed –

My body’s what’s askew.

I’m happy with this, I feel so much relief,

I’m content now that I know.

I’m going to be who I will be,

I’m going to let myself show.

-- Jenna

-- Zack

-- Your kid

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Timortinel

Wow, that was very good.

I don’t want to pretend anymore,

I shouldn’t need to lie.

I want to be who I’ve always been,

I don’t mean to defy

Love that part.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K

Zack - I am at work - I am not out at work - I have to go run a big meeting in 20 minutes! How am I gonna explain these tears???

Oh Zack... baby

You have me sobbing...

Liz

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Donna Jean

Zack..............Perfect....

HUGG.....snif' snif'

Donna Jean

Share this post


Link to post
Sally

I can't imagine a better way to express it, very moving.

I wish I could use that for my mom.

You are a very good writer and are a wonderful, sensitive guy!

It had me crying all of the way through, beautiful!

How could anyone not love a person like you,

Sally

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Frank67

Wow - that's great.

This is a beautiful, well-written poem.

Frank

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Zack L

Oh. Wow. I haven't been here in a while (life got rather busy) and now I come back and there's all these wonderful comments. ^^ Thank you guys.

Unfortunately she's still...not taking it well. She avoids the topic at all costs and if something in the mail comes addressed as Zack she flips out and starts screaming. -_- Can't wait til next fall when I get outta here. >_>

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Eagledancer

Sometimes I feel that there are not enough words in the English language to truly explain myself. My hat is off, and I extend my hand. That is not only well done...dude...you hit it OUT of the ballpark! Your mother has to recognize that this couldn't be a phase or fad or misunderstanding. That poem comes from someone who knows and feels - you! Kudos again on the great poem AND your coming out. Hug yourself! You deserve it.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Elizabeth K

I still say you did it right. Get it together and get on your own if you have to, but never give up on yourself. And stay in touch?

I said I wasn't out at work in my earlier posting? I am now out at work and they accept me. I couldn't do it if I didn't have Laura's - so MANY brave people here! We trans people - we do things even if it seems impossible.

Zack - good luck on your journey - don't stay away so long this time, we need your poetry...

Lizzy

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Zack L

Congrats on coming out at work Lizzy, that must of been terrifying. >_< And my apologies for making you cry before, I can imagine that was rather awkward.

And I don't plan on going anywhere again, though admittedly I have writers block, so you likely won't see anything new from me for a while. =P

Thanks Eagledancer, I'm glad you liked it. =3

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Kelly Ann

Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Kelly Ann
Pheeeeeew Zabrak...you really are coming into your own. How have you grown up so doggone fast??? Hmmm...er...maybe because you've been grown up a long time. You make me smile and proud of the yewt's adis country...no kidding...are you bucking for the title of 'The Next DaVinci'? We may have to bestow something like that on you. Well done young man...an awed Kelly Ann

I obviously need to enforce more sleep upon myself Zack...I am so sorry to be adding my confusion to the general conflageration. I saw the Z, thinking of someone else, and without my spectacles I did just that :blush: Thank you at any rate for the extreemly moving post straight from your heart. It is no small wonder you won you mom over...you certainly did with me. :blink: a still awed, Kelly Ann

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Zack L

Heh, no worries, I can relate to being sleep deprized and the confusion that brings. =P

I actually didn't win her over. She spent all of dinner tonight picking on me and telling I'm making a horrible choice and that I'm terribly confused, because I've always been confused about everything in my life. -_-

Ahh well, so it goes, right? =/

Share this post


Link to post
Guest Felicia Anne

zack, that was incredible, and it moved me so much. you do not leave room on your sleeve for a heart as big as yours.

(hug)

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 72 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • tracy_j
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,036
    • Total Posts
      623,448
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,723
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JenJen
    Newest Member
    JenJen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Kendra Chelsea
      Kendra Chelsea
    2. Lou Lamoureux
      Lou Lamoureux
      (18 years old)
    3. Petra Jane
      Petra Jane
      (59 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.whio.com/news/national/slain-transgender-kansas-city-woman-2nd-city-20st-across-2019/dvWQtrC6CEl9lAPly4ZD7H/   May Brianna rest in peace, and may justice be served on her killer.   Carolyn Marie
    • Josie Beth
    • Josie Beth
      In Arabic, Hijra means a pilgrimage, a journey.   Also, it’s the term used to describe transgender women in India. Perhaps it’s a loan word. Perhaps it’s not. But it’s fitting that the same idea is echoed today in the word transgender. The idea of crossing a boundary, making a journey. Being trans is a pilgrimage, it’s moving from one place to another. It used to be something seen as sacred by the ancient cultures of the world. In many ways it still is. Just my musings for today.
    • Josie Beth
      It’s sad because it’s someone who was a real person. Sure there was controversy about her and Dave chapelle but to his credit he bounced his jokes off of her before the controversy and she laughed at them the loudest so they pretty much blew it out of proportion. I think it says something about how Dave actually respected her input as a comedian. Maybe she was ostracized because she wasn’t playing into the politics? It certainly makes sense when her shows tended to be very small compared to other people. It goes to show how entertainment can literally be hard on the very people they claim to be supportive of. She was transgender but virtually blacklisted by the industry. Of course they didn’t openly boycott her shows but she didn’t have large audiences. There’s so many facets to people and making life an “either/or” political game is really damaging when everyone has faults or shortcomings. Comedy has suffered a lot because of political influence being so bloodthirsty lately, when it used to be all in good fun.    Virtue signaling is the term you are looking for, when someone says something to gain points for sounding correct. That’s the sadly artificial world we live in. It takes guts to stand out and be different. Which is why all this talk about being inclusive to diversity is intellectually dishonest when the political drive is to make everyone fit into the same thinking cap. That’s not how people work. That’s not how we have intellectual debate or actually work through conversation with ideas. That’s basically the same dirty word that the political end of entertainment says they are opposed to: fascism. Instead of allowing people to be different they are using a huge industry to dictate government and politics. Miriam websters definition is:    a centralized autocraticgovernment headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.    Only in this case the dictator is an ideal that is unrealistic. Just because it’s not declared officially doesn’t mean it’s not a driving force. Change comes from dialogue, not from any form of oppression. Maybe that’s a lesson here too. 
    • Jani
      Hello Kai and thanks for the update.  I understand its hard around the house but it will pass when you are able to set out on your own.  It will happen.  Hang tough.  Soon enough you'll be able to connect with a gender therapist and from there you will have someone to speak with who understands and can help you one on one.  Until then, keep posting and sharing your thoughts.  Please don't let the anxiety get to you.   Jani
    • Jani
      Along with any changes in hobbies, etc. due to emotional changes brought on by hormones, age will also temper our opinions on things.  We stop doing some activities and try new things just because we can.
    • CallMeKai
      I've come up on a year of going by he/him pronouns with my friend group at school. It doesn't seem like that long ago and its hard to think I have come this far already. I know a year is not that long but after questioning myself for over 2 1/2 years I feel like things are starting to make sense, I think. I feel ready to tell people, to come out and say I am still questioning but I would prefer to be called he/him. I want to try my name more and see if it is comfortable for me. I think I am getting a new job and they asked for my preferred name and gender. I wanted so badly to put down male, and my name that I'm trying but its so hard when my parents disagree with everything I do moving in that direction. I still live in the house with them and its so hard for me to do things when everything I try seems to make my mom upset. My mom basically breathed a sigh of relief when I said I wasn't going by a different name with my friends, this makes me upset because for some reason her feelings matter more to me then me being comfortable. I don't go by he/him in the house, even though my whole family knows about me question, because there is a fear that something will go wrong. That I am going to make people upset, I don't have many friends to begin with and I don't want to lose any people in my life. There is so much anxiety with coming out and I know that's part of transitioning but it feels like my social anxiety makes it all worse. I never correct people when they misgender me because I freeze up and continue on. I cant correct people to save my life and I don't pass enough to present as male, people will think of me weird and/or hate me before they know me. I know that's probably not true, but when you are so self critical of yourself you think everyone else in the world is the same to you.  I wanted to start gender therapy but the last time I asked my parents for that they got me a religious regular therapist who knows nothing about trans kids. I am scared to talk to them again and get a real gender therapist so I don't have to be so dam confused all the time. I don't have money to pay for one myself and my insurance doesn't cover it so I am stuck with my thoughts. I don't know, I guess I just needed to rant about my situation. It doesn't make things better but other people know. 
    • Jani
      Hello EZ and welcome aboard.   I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment.  So you're on T, to assist with some medical challenges you have.  No big deal.  I'm not sure why you need to tell your work mates about your medications.  I'm not sure your fellow firemen would care about any changes.  As to that you have hidden an aspect of your life, we all have pieces we keep private.     I don't know your levels (we don't allow that on this site) but if your concerned with the beard, etc, talk to your doctor to see if you can lower your dosage a bit.  Even as a test to determine how you feel.    I'm glad you found us and signed up. Cheers,  Jani
    • MaryMary
      I checked the news on that story and it's so sad what people say. All of this for a bad joke that I ear since I was 5. A suicide is incredibly sad but the fact that it's politiced and used is even more sad... I hate that everything transgender always somehow, someway end up on that stupid internet thing where people make points for fake outrage... oh wait!? ok I will shut up now
    • Josie Beth
      I just learned about it today because I’m subscribed to a friend of hers. It’s really hitting home because she was in my age group and also a late transitioner.   I wonder why. I know that might be impossible to figure out. Just knowing how she was as a person and how much she tried to make others laugh it is a shock. But many times we don’t know what is going on with people even if they seem happy.    I can speculate, maybe she was in a downward spiral because she was not really finding companionship. Maybe she was frustrated because she wanted to bring happiness and not many people appreciated it. There’s so many potential reasons that she touched on in a joking way. I guess the takeaway is just to not be afraid to show someone what’s really going on inside. But even then it may not be enough? It’s difficult to confront myself with the same questions. 
    • EZDoesIt
      I have heard that.... why? I’m not opposed and I accept that consequence if need be. 
    • MaryMary
      what??? That's so sad.
    • Josie Beth
      I still don’t like shopping in crowded stores but it’s not such a bad thing as it used to be. My interests and hobbies haven’t changed much except maybe they have morphed a little bit. I’ve always been the creative type. Art and music are things that I return to constantly. I do enjoy outdoor activities but mostly around this time of year it’s camp fires and s’mores. I’ve never really been attracted to drinking beer around a fire. Sure I’ve done it a few times but only if there’s women involved and storytelling. I’m not a huge fan of the deer camp version of that.    I suppose the things that have changed most are my choices in food and hair care. Granted healthy dieting is good anyway but I wasn’t as conscious as now, same for my hair and skin.    As far as social interaction I just enjoy talking with people more. I don’t always have time for it but I’m more inclined to smell the roses so to speak. I make time for it. I’m sure my interests will change more with age. 
    • NB Adult
      Oh one other thing you need to know, heavy use of testosterone will eventually cause you to have a necessary hysterectomy, probably not a desirable side effect. Keep it light and enjoy the perks.
    • NB Adult
      You could just remain a super manly female just as I am a super female looking male. I have a wife, she clearly knows I'm different, I was surgically castrated a dozen years ago and came to regret it, but I do us a few pumps of Androgel to maintain male libido. As a genetic female you can use a lesser amount of Testosterone and maintain some really smoking hot libido and not be too hairy. Try it for awhile, you'll see I'm right. Btw - pleasure meeting you here.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...