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Guest BreanneB

Long sad week

10 posts in this topic

well it has been probably the hardest week of my life but I learned lots of things. Last saturday I tried to commit suicide for the second time in 3 months. Needless to say i got caught which is a good thing. I just got so low from all the TG crap in my head and trying to deal with it. So I ended up in a mental hospital for almost a week which was a good thing but at the same time i was a little scared to come home. Things in life will definetly never be the same and my prospective on life is different after being there. I felt more at home in the hospital as everyone there has or had been down that road to death and they get me. I made some good friends dealing with lifes BS. I did make a promise to my son not to do it again. And he is not comfortable with me transitioning so I will need tons of counseling from here on out. Still told him I would grow my hair out but that is it. Just so hard with my brain so miswired and trying to figure out who I am anymore? just so lost right now!

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Katie,

You are talking to people who do understand, we get it and most of us have been there - at the point of suicide, not everyone went to mental wards but several have, we have had family members who did not want us to transition and the stress and depression becomes almost unbearable - so what did we do?

We made the decision to survive and for most of us that meant transitioning, maybe not right then but pretty soon, life can get better but not if you do not do the things that you know you must do to improve it.

For now, rest and let your hair grow - give yourself a little distance between attempts before you make your decision as to whether or not to transition - it is a very important decision and you want to get it right.

Love ya,

Sally

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I'm so sorry that you've been through that, Katie. What a horrible experience. But you survived, you made it through, and you have a plan for getting better and not getting to that low point again. That's what matters, hon. Survival and life and love and family, that's what's important.

Yes, keep seeing that therapist, and keep the important things in sight. Please know that if you ever feel like that again, you can come here and talk to us, or to the Chat Mods, and we'll do everything we can to help.

Like Sally said, we understand how you feel, because we've been there, too.

((((HUGGSSS))))

Carolyn Marie

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So, so sorry to hear about your difficulties, I really am...

But, I DO understand how and why you felt like you needed the pain to stop. I really do. In fact, most of us here understand EXACTLY what you are feeling, yeppers, it's true..

You must take the time to heal from this latest episode, then put together a better long-term plan, for sure. It is hard, but the only way forward is, well, forward! :)

Staying with therapy, and hopefully gender therapy especially, is the right course of action, in my opinion. You CAN do this, but we all need a hand some of the time. Now is such a time in your life, but you already know this, right?

Don't beat yourself up over this, we ALL have had bad, bad days! Yep,'tis true!

I hope for all the peace and wisdom you need to find you soon!

You CAN do this, you really can! :)

Love and Happiness! Svenna

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Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. I'll be on out patient for the next two weeks with the Hospital and seeing there Dr. They are getting me a list for both a pychiatrist and a gender therapist. So that is a step in the right direction. And next time I am feeling that down I will deffinetly get on here on one of the chat rooms. Its great to have people that understand what I am going threw and have been down this road. Thanks again

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Katie,

...and I thought I had a hard week! First, glad to know you're still with us. To be pushed, driven to self harm for any reason is a trauma in and of its own self.

So many people think, "Why would anyone want to harm themselves?" They don't understand it's about wanting the pain to end. Draw on every possible source available for support. I mean people type support. Do things for your self. Look where you can go and not where you're not or where you have been.

Like snowflakes (In my case, heavy on the "flake") we're all different, in a different place and mind set. You just need to shift to one side a bit and avoid the things that are bringing you down. Sound simple? Too simple? It's as simple as that if that's what you choose.

I'm the last person to be chiming in on this but I'm trying to help myself here as well. Use what you've got. A son? He needs you in any shape or form, but he needs you. He'll come around. You need not be in a hospital to find people who, "Get you". This site is nothing but folks who get you, get me.

I need to work this out same as you but time ain't on my side any longer and any victory I can mark will be minor but it may just help. And it may be all I'm meant to have. Who knows? You may feel lost but you're here so that's not quite lost.

Hit the counseling hard and force them to give you workable solutions for everyday living. Be good to yourself. Don't live for the dream, make the dream your life. Then it will no longer be a dream, something that goes away when you wake. It'll be better than any dream.

Sara Lee

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An after thought....

Do get understanding and acceptance mixed up. Two different animals. Understanding doesn't always lead to acceptance. With acceptance, you really don't need understanding. I don't understand how my computer uses 1 and 0's to do what it does, I just accept the fact that it does.

Find a level of acceptance for yourself and your son and work from there. If you finally do understand. Let me know. I sure as heck don't know why this happened to me. Accept first. Then work your way back. And yes, I'm from the, "Do as I say, not as I do" group. One more thing.....consider your self blessed you have hair you can let grow out! =)

Sara Lee

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Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. I'll be on out patient for the next two weeks with the Hospital and seeing there Dr. They are getting me a list for both a pychiatrist and a gender therapist. So that is a step in the right direction. And next time I am feeling that down I will deffinetly get on here on one of the chat rooms. Its great to have people that understand what I am going threw and have been down this road. Thanks again

Any time, that's what we are here for, because we ALL need some help to get through this trans stuff at some point..

Yes, we are all in the very same boat, yes inddedy!

Love and more love for you, Katie!

:) S

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Hi Katie

I'm sorry to hear about all the pain that you are going through... As you have mentioned - you will get a gender therapist assgined, so that's a very good thing... Night is darkest just before its dawn - I hope that from now on things will get better, and at the end you will get through all the difficulties and live a happy life. It is possible, and it will happen to you - just dont lose hope! There are many people here who are happy to listen and help you out - so when you feel down, please reach out for us here :)

Best wishes, Mila

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Katie:

Its been said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The greatest fear in my life is that I will go down to that dark place again and though its been nearly 18 years since i was there, the memory of the pain has never left my heart. In fact it was one of my big motivators to stop drinking because when I drink, I make big mistakes and get too despondent.

I had wrestled with this beast called GID all my life and its a testament to your inner strength that you are ready to move forward. The people here are stronger than anyone I know and we will be here and we will catch you. Everyone here is ready to do that knowing full well that we, or others will need you to help us out.

Your experiences and trials, your journey which we all share in some form, will make you a better, stronger person so that you can fill our shoes in time and help the next person that will benefit from what you have learned. In fact it is already happening just by the nature of your post.

How? By reminding me of what I have been through and motivating me to post on this particular forum which for quite sometime I have avoided for some reason.

The magic is already at work. Please return and get another dose!

Zoe

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