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Guest Little_cherry

Should I REALLY tell him that I was born transsexual? =/

61 posts in this topic

Ok so I know this question has been asked so many times...

And, if someone askes me if she should tell her crush that she was born transsexual and had SRS I would say of course, if he can't accept it, he just wasn't worth it and he didn't really love you anyway.

But it's not that easy unfortunately. Because, I never tell people from the beginning that I was born transsexual. I don't want them to prejudge me because of this fact if they didn't even had the chance to get to know me.

Well I got to the point that I stopped telling boys who I liked. I experienced that everything was always nice until I told them. You know, I kinda understand them. They couldn't help themselves it always crosses their minds ''Omg, she has the same genitals like me! This is so awkward''. They still really liked me, but couldn't imagine being together with me anymore.

I had surgery, I got to know a boy, I'm together with him and had sex with him. He didn't notice anything. We are still at the beginning of our relationship, and I really don't wanna tell him. I somehow would find it fair if he'd know, but then again, I'm pretty sure he would be shocked, hurted, and would maybe even think he had sex with a man or something. And then the risk if he'll tell everyone x.x

So idk.. But I kinda think it's better not telling him :/ Of course I will have to tell him once that I can't get pregnant, if we will be still together then. (I'm 19 years old)

But I don't think of that yet. £

What do you guys think?

xxxx

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Wow! Gut feeling? I'd say see how far things go and how deep the mutual commitment goes before I would. And if he over reacts when you do decide to tell him, give things time to settle down.

If you care that much for each other, it's not going to matter. His reaction would be based on a lot of things that society ingrains us with. You're (I assume the age difference isn't great.) both young and trust me, a person doesn't get to know much about themselves until about age thirty.

Okay, this is, "Guy Talk" I hear and have heard because, well, that's how I appear. Most guys when viewing a trans gal who is very attractive will make crude and course jokes but after the joking dies down and honesty sets in, most guys say it wouldn't matter. Not in the long run. Give it time. Ease into it. You didn't put it up front so he might feel confused. First, see how the relationship grows. You'll know when the time is right.

Best of luck!

I'm sure you'll get a lot of feedback here and support. But in the end, it's your call.

Sara Lee

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As much as I know it's easier said than done, I'm a big proponent of being up-front from the beginning. I came out to my wife several years into our relationship, and 5+ years later things are still in repair. The biggest hurt for her was that she felt I was lying to her. That wasn't the case, but it doesn't change how she felt, and I have to respect that.

He may never find out on his own, but that's a big risk to take in my humble opinion.

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Okay, one more thought and I've got a lot of stuff I have to do today. I agree with Shilo, honestly is the best policy. I'm honest to a fault as long no one is hurt, ie., I'm not callous or brutal.

However......you have established a physical relationship without having told him and the news, regardless how and when you deliver it, is going to put him on his back foot. You'll have to judge just how he'll react. How does he accept things now? Is he of an even and calm disposition? Is he reactionary?

You mention, "the risk of him telling everyone." So others will be affected? Who? How much? If you plan to stay in your area, how will this affect your future? If this relationship is not a long term thing, you'll want to see other guys, right? You want them to see you are you are and nothing else, right?

You've asked a question and you've answered it at the same time. You're wise to bring it here and get some solid input but when it comes down to it, the decision is up to you.

Let these great folks chime in and give it a few days. No hurry now, right?

Again, best of luck. Remember it's you you have to live with for the rest of your life. Be kind to your self and the rest will come naturally. Too much?

SL

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Disclosure to intimate/romantic relationships is one of those complications and conundrums a trans person faces post transition. Conundrum because of the problem of altering their perceptions, creating bias before they really get to know you if you disclose verses not disclosing and causing a violation of trust and having it remain a barrier to intimacy.

There have been examples of trans women not telling their partner and some of those has resulted in dissaster. By dissaster I don't mean just the breakup of the relationship, but violence and I recall one instance of murder.

I know someone who was phisically intimate before telling and that almost destroyed the relationship, but after some soul searching he did come back to her and they eventually got married. Shows a positive outcome, but because it can happen doesnt' mean the risks shouldn't be ignored.

In my opinion not telling really isnt a long term option. If the relationship leads to getting married, there are potential legal challenges that can occur not to mention what happens if the partner discovers.

From a safety perspective, disclosure earlier than later is better, but that does have the down side you mentioned. The closest to a consensus I have heard is to disclose prior to becomming physically intimate. While there is potential risk even before, the potential risk of telling afterwards goes up significantly.

As you are already beyond this point, you are at a time where there is more than typical risks in disclosing. To disclose at this point, it is best to do it in a safe enviorment where if he does have a bad reaction you arent' completely at his mercy. It is possible not telling you could get away with it a long time, but if he finds out, you very well may be at the mercy of the circumstances.

Your other alternative would be to break off the relationship if you don't feel disclosing could not be done safely.

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As you are already beyond this point, you are at a time where there is more than typical risks in disclosing. To disclose at this point, it is best to do it in a safe enviorment where if he does have a bad reaction you arent' completely at his mercy. It is possible not telling you could get away with it a long time, but if he finds out, you very well may be at the mercy of the circumstances.

Your other alternative would be to break off the relationship if you don't feel disclosing could not be done safely.

Now that's sound advice. I do recall a violent incident but not the details. None of this meant to frighten you but these are points you need to consider.

I dated a gal in 2002 and she was divorced and we were moving along just fine when she told me that she had caught her ex cheating with a prostitute, she took him back and she caught him again and ended the relationship. Instantly, three huge red neon letters started flashing in front of me but I remained calm. We were both tested, results were negative but I ended the relationship as soon as the results were back and it was because of not having that information up front. Okay, that's a different story but the point's the same.

Drea's last sentence is worth considering. No one wants to see you get hurt in any way shape or form.

SL

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I've seen discussions like these, and read comments by people advocating being up front from the absolute beginning. I've never seen one such comment from a straight transsexual woman. Not ever. In general, if you tell a potential suitor that you were born transsexual before he's had any chance to get to know you, you're shooting yourself in the foot. So when to tell, then? I dunno. Every person is different and every relationship is different. I don't know if letting things get to the point they've gotten was the best idea, but I can certainly understand why it's gotten here. If you do decide to tell him, I would do it in a public place.

That said, one thing I'm not a huge fan of is when people trot out the "you could get murdered" scare tactic. I've never one link to an article, nothing, about a woman born transsexual being this sort of a victim. All I've heard are these vague anecdotal mentions like above, and never any details to back up the incident. I don't think that ought to drive this decision.

About him telling everyone... if he's the sort that would freak out about this sort of thing, it's likely that he would feel some embarrassment about this, and I think that would make it less likely that he'd go around telling people. I don't think that should drive your decision, either.

The whole "violation of trust" thing... on one hand, the person on the receiving end of this tidbit might perceive it as a violation of trust. On the other hand, why do we need to be made to feel that we're being dishonest because we don't share this early? Most people don't share such personal things about themselves until much further on in the relationship. I don't think it's fair that this is treated differently than, say, someone who has suffered some sort of abuse, or some other extremely personal thing that one doesn't run around sharing willy-nilly.

My personal guideline is when I feel that things are getting more serious, that's when I'd tell.

Hope you figure all this out, hon.

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I learned my lesson on being honest up front the hard way. Mine was (oops) not telling my wife that I was doing hormones the first time. She found my syringes and kind of blew up. This time I told her prior to going back on hrt and it did go much better with her.

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That said, one thing I'm not a huge fan of is when people trot out the "you could get murdered" scare tactic. I've never one link to an article, nothing, about a woman born transsexual being this sort of a victim. All I've heard are these vague anecdotal mentions like above, and never any details to back up the incident. I don't think that ought to drive this decision.

The best place to find the hard evidence you seek is the TDR website. You can start with 2011 and qork back. You'll find plenty of the hard evidence you have been missing. ot telling a potential partner is probably the most dangerous thing you can do outside of sex work.

http://www.transgend...g/?page_id=1663

Even telling in a public place doesn't guarantee that someone won't then gather up buddies and come after you later.

And why would you want to start a relationship with someone who couldn't accept:? If you disclose from the first interest you have a chance of a real relationship based on who you are -otherwise it is a recipe for disaster based on fundamental deceit. There have been many examples here of people-both gay and straight -who have found mates and love even though open about their lives. By the way I am a straight man.

This is nothing to be ashamed of but it is something that some people cannot handle. At all. Sucking someone into a relationship before disclosing is not only dangerous but wrong.

That said there is no need to use those dreaded T words-transgendered or transsexual-just an explanation that you were born a woman but your body didn't match. And no need to be ashamed or apologetic. It's just a fact about you and does not make you more or less of a person doesn't define you.

Even though I am trans myself I'd be very angry if I developed a relationship with someone who did not disclose up front. Not because they were trans but because of the deceit and what it implies about the person and the relationship

Johnny

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The best place to find the hard evidence you seek is the TDR website. You can start with 2011 and qork back. You'll find plenty of the hard evidence you have been missing. ot telling a potential partner is probably the most dangerous thing you can do outside of sex work.

http://www.transgend...g/?page_id=1663

This is exactly what I am talking about when I say "scare tactic."

Sure, the TDoR website lists lots of people who have been murdered for one reason or another. I clicked on 5 or 6 of them and finally gave up trying to find an example of what we're discussing in this thread. There's no evidence that I saw that any of the murders that I clicked on had anything whatsoever to do with telling a romantic partner. I found one that was a sex worker who was killed by a john when he found out.

Like I said, I've still not seen one straight transsexual woman advocate disclosing up front.

Sucking someone into a relationship before disclosing is not only dangerous but wrong....

It's just a fact about you and does not make you more or less of a person doesn't define you...

I'd be very angry if I developed a relationship with someone who did not disclose up front. Not because they were trans but because of the deceit and what it implies about the person and the relationship

If it's "just a fact" and "doesn't define you," then why is it so important to you that someone disclose it up front, to the point where you'd be very angry for them if they did otherwise? Doesn't sound to me like you truly believe it's "just a fact."

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Also, to piggyback on what I said, saying that this particular thing is the second most dangerous thing you can do, that is an opinion masquerading as a fact.

There's no evidence of that. I don't think it's enlightening or helpful to make these sorts of statements which are impossible to prove, and likely false. All that does is scare people; it adds no value to the discussion.

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You've never heard of Gwen Araujo? Geez...they even made a movie out of her story... Might not have been guys that she had a romantic relationship with, but we're ultimately talking about sex here, are we not? Not exactly a "vague anecdote"

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You've never heard of Gwen Araujo? Geez...they even made a movie out of her story... Might not have been guys that she had a romantic relationship with, but we're ultimately talking about sex here, are we not? Not exactly a "vague anecdote"

Yes, I've heard of Gwen Araujo. Although I'm not sure you're familiar with her story. She was a pre-op transgender woman with male sex organs who claimed to be having her period, and had sex with two men at a party. They reacted violently when they found out.

You're correct that it's not exactly a vague anecdote. It's also not vaguely close to the situation the OP is in.

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I'm afraid I have to disagree with you.

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I would be angry at anyone who deceived about their background in a major way. Could not trust them and for me there is no relationship without trust. You miss the point -it isn't trans that''s the problem for me but the lack of character in someone who would not disclose to me in a relationship.

Also I think that failing to find what you don't want to find in 5 or 6 out of hundreds of murders doesn't prove it isn't there. Did you follow up reading the stories behind it?

There is no harm done in being aware of the danger and taking precautions but denying that it exists because it is uncomfortable for you can cause real harm. I don't believe that it happens often. Nor are we beaten to death etc often. But I do believe that prudence and caution are necessary. Have you asked your therapist about this?

But I'm not going to argue the point further-if you don't want to believe this then nothing will persuade you. Nor will you see proof you don't want to see but people do need to be aware of the dangers and research the facts and statistics for themselves before indulging in behavior that many besides me feel is highly risky.

As far as date rape or beatings-I have heard firsthand reports right here on site. More than one. It does happen. You might be able to find them by searching content.

I have said many times that our expectations are often far worse than realities. I am not a fear mongerer - far from it-but I have also seen first hand some of the darker aspects of human nature and know hoe hard it can be to judge when someone will turn violent.

As I said I am not going to argue further-let people research and judge for themselves. But not take advise without doing so

Johnny

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I'm afraid I have to disagree with you.

Well, you want to compare the OP's situation to someone with a penis hooking up with a couple guys at a party whilst lying to them about said penis, knock yourself out. Although if I was the OP, I might take a little offense to that.

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Only an opinion and worth very little but I think the point might be that a member had doubts as to what to do, came here to get a bit of advice. She did mention the risk of her guy telling other people so that's a concern that may or may not be cause for alarm.

I think regardless of how it's presented, the issue is giving the young lady some feedback that addresses her concerns as things stand.

To add some cautionary advice isn't out of line and though she stated she has told guys up front and been rejected tells me this is not completely new but the twist is this is post physical and perhaps emotional commitment. That adds a new factor. One she's not familiar with if I read correctly.

I think the big thing is to give the young lady an objective overview. I don't see "scare tactic". I just see a point she needs to consider.

Okay, maybe the guy takes it well but ends the relationship. If he tells everyone, and this is Cherry's word, what is the "risk"? Risk can be a lot of things and does seem to carry complications past her relationship.

Caution isn't a bad thing dealing with the unknown and fore warned is fore armed.

Cherry started this topic yesterday and has yet to reply to what's going to be 15 posts. That in itself might be a bit scary. Ya' think?

SL

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I'm afraid I have to disagree with you.

Well, you want to compare the OP's situation to someone with a penis hooking up with a couple guys at a party whilst lying to them about said penis, knock yourself out. Although if I was the OP, I might take a little offense to that.

I never claimed the situations were identical, but neither are they as dissimilar as you claim.

Edit: Let me add to this...the bottom line is that the op asked for advice, and people offered it to the best of their ability based on what they themselves would do. I think it's unfair to tell them they're wrong for feeling how they do.

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I'm usually fairly quiet on the forums, but when I read this I knew I had to post something. We all have to make a difficult decision when to tell or if we should tell at all, but you seem to have crossed over into particularly dangerous territory by sleeping with a man without making him aware of your history first.

I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but this is often a trigger for violence against transwomen. When he finds out (and he will find out eventually) he may feel that you have "fooled" him somehow and become angry or violent. Even though you know you are truly a woman, the rest of society has not been educated in trans-etiquette and even if the worst case scenario does not come about, he will likely have no idea how to act around you and there is a very high chance that he will disclose the information to others.

I can't tell you what to do, but my advice to you would be to back away from the situation entirely before things get out of hand. Don't tell him anything, just get away from him. That way, he won't find out, won't become violent, and won't tell anyone. Of course, though, you are the one that actually knows him, so you're the only one that can really make the call on this one.

I hope I helped and I hope that you come to a good decision for your situation.

Hugs,

Lauren

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A word to the wise that I used in my own situation. I met my second wife at church. I came back to church the next Sunday and asked her out- took her out to dinner. I knew that she was special. The following week, I asked her to meet me as I had something very important to tell her.

I sat her down and had all of my medical and legal papers with me. I explained the entire situation to her. Then I told her that if she didn't want to go out with me, I would understand. We were married six months later.

I'm just saying, that to me it wasn't worth hiding the truth from her. I didn't want to get atttached to her and or vice versa and then drop {the bomb] on her. It would not have been fair to me or her.

But, in the instance where the party is a post-op MTF and is having and or plans of having sexual relations with a man, it is an entirely different situation.

Most men are uneducated in trans-women and SRS. And, just the thought of having sexual relations with a former man[ even though they have had surgery] is taboo in their mind set. It would be the same to them as having gay sex and most men are dead set against that [ when it comes to their bodies]. A man would feel that his man-hood status as a real man had been violated and thus he must rectify the situation. He might just walk away [ very doubtful], he might mike you a punching bag, or he might take your life in a full blown rage; you just never know. You have to ask yourself this question- is it worth the risk. I can't answer that question, it is up to each individual to make their own decision; hopefully it will be the right one and no one gets hurt.

Mike

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That said, one thing I'm not a huge fan of is when people trot out the "you could get murdered" scare tactic. I've never one link to an article, nothing, about a woman born transsexual being this sort of a victim.

I agree that there are instances within the community where fears are over exaggerated or used to push some specific agenda. Fears that those who have transitioned often learn aren't as bad as preceived. I did feel however I provided a realistic perspective and I stated one instance of murder because I recall a news report sometime in the past year mentioning such a case. It was not some claim on a trans site or opinion piece which I would consider suspect without seeing the source information. I don't have a link on that so always possible I recall incorrectly or it just wansn't something that stayed in the news so you are welcome to consider it suspect.

Like I said, I've still not seen one straight transsexual woman advocate disclosing up front.

I have, on more than a few occasions. I personally advocate when asked telling before becomming physically intimate, but maybe you don't consider that "up front" enough? It isn't that I think it is preferred, with it wasn't necessarry really. As I described it, it is a conundrum, but I do see it as the best compromise.

And why would you want to start a relationship with someone who couldn't accept:? If you disclose from the first interest you have a chance of a real relationship based on who you are

Some trans folk wish to be seen solely as their post transition gender and do not want to be preceived as a hyphenated trans.

Putting the "I am a woman who was born with a male body" thing out there up front has a tendency of cementing "trans-woman" in the mind of the other person rather than simply "woman".

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Little Cherry,

In your shoes, I would likely have done what you did. And likely, I would have no regrets...

Staying safe is, of course, the priority, but dang, a girl has to LIVE a little, too, right?

I don't believe we trans-girls OWE anybody any explanation of our medical histories. I believe we only BELIEVE we owe an explanation because we have been conditioned to do so by our fear, shame, society AND trans-peers. In a truly just and righteous world, this conversation would be moot...

You do what you need to do, Cherry, but please, stay safe as possible! :)

Love, Svenna

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Absolutely you should tell the guy. In fact, I think you should have told him BEFORE having sex with him. I think it is wrong to be dishonest with someone you are starting a relationship with. And withholding information like that is being dishonest.

If you are just having casual sex, then I'd say don't worry about it, it doesn't matter. But if you are planning to be in a relationship with this person, then the longer you go without telling him, the harder it will be for him to accept.

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I doubt I would ever withhold information like this, especially since it's highly likely that there will be a negative response. I would never do this to anyone I cared about or thought I would want to start a relationship with, Also remember by not outing yourself you put yourself back into a circumstance of having to carry extra weight in your head constantly. When you add in the safety factor it's just not worth it.

I know in my case I'm very open with everyone. And don't think I could ever hold a secret like this. I couldn't do this to myself because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for what I did.

Jenny

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Trans issues aside-keeping secrets takes an enormous toll. Not only on the relationship but on the person keeping the secret.

Not disclosing on a casual everyday basis is not the same as not keeping secrets either. But when it comes to not disclosing a fundamental facts about yourself to someone you are in any kind of relationship with not disclosing is a different matter. For one thing it sends yourself a consistent message that you are not okay and there is something shameful about who and what you are that you can't let people know.

We so want what has been denied to us that there is also the real temptation to start denying the reality even to ourselves. To justify and rationalize so we don't have to face it. To live in denial even though it means real danger both mentally and perhaps physically in the end.

Ask any therapist about the toll doing that can and will take on your mental health.

We have a hard reality to face. No question about that but we can find those who will value us for who we are and as we are. So we can also value ourselves. Settling for anything else is really trading one prison for another because living with a secret like that is in many ways a prison. Never really free to share your truths and experiences and life. Always behind that one last wall. Always in terror that something will out you. As it so easily can. One trip to the ER or anything like that can do it. Life is full of things that can happen and bring your world down. Living with that kind of fear isn't any kind of life to me.

Not worth it. Valuing yourself and accepting yourself and living as you-past and present is worth it and I really believe the only way any real fulfillment and peace is possible.

To disclose now is taking a risk. There is no way to predict how far anyone will go in this situation. You must decide whether to disclose and try to salvage the relationship or to end the relationship and walk away a wiser woman. The latter is certainly the safer course.

Johnny

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