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BeccaC

I'm just so tired.

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I don't even know where to begin, since my wife went back home and my step son has moved down here with me I have been having to suppress this all over. I've been trying to talk with my wife over the phone but it feels (its probably just seems that way) like with her being 14 hours away if we don't talk about it that its not happening (for her at least). Also since I promised that I would go slow and try to hold off seeing treatment (HRT) for as long as possible for her to wrap her head around this, it again feels like she's not even trying and since I gave the promise she knows I will do whatever I can to keep it....Currently its been a bit over 4 days since I have been able to keep anything down, and almost 2 days since I have even tried to eat anything... It just makes me sick and I feel better just not eating..

I hate that I can not quit thinking about this, its like I caught a glimpse that I might could be happy with myself when I came out to my wife... But then the pain and confusion I've caused by it, makes me feel even worse... Why should my happiness cost everyone else in my family theirs.. I feel so flipping selfish, and frustrated with myself.. I've never put myself first, why can't I just go back to that. All this fear, doubt, self loathing, guilt is the cause of my stomach issues, I can eat just fine when I'm not upset...but my bad day has stretched into over a week and its not getting better. I am just so SICK of this!!! I can't help but feel that it would just be easier to quit trying to cope and if this mess wants to starve me to death so be it... I honestly think that would be easier for everyone if that happened... Including myself...

I am sorry for this rant, I was hoping that spilling it out might help...I guess I will see..

Becca

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Hi, Becca!

Svenna here!

Hey, girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was in almost exactly the same place as you are now a short time ago. I can really relate to the pain and frustration you have written about...but, hey....THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....yup, things ARE changing, even if you can't see it from where you are now...

It will take more time before much obvious progress can be made, but beneath the surface, YOU are already changing, right?

In your psyche, you now KNOW that a lick of happiness CAN be found. In your heart, you KNOW that somehow, some way, you CAN find a way forward, but your MIND tells you that OTHERS will suffer long before you reach your target life. This TRUTH is what makes you not want to eat, not want to go on, not want to experience pain anymore...

BUT, again, this place in your life is merely a stopping place for the moment. You can never put the genie fully back into the bottle, and THAT causes a brand new stress, too. BUT, again, and perhaps you must TRUST me on this for now, this too SHALL PASS...

Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and soon, many months will have passed. Many crises will come and go. many ideas will be embraced and eventually abandoned, plans will be made and broken, dreams will emerge and be again silenced...BUT, along the way, you WILL improve your outlook, your loved ones WILL begin to grasp your situation, your real needs and wants will crystalize and start to guide you into the next phase of your journey...

Please know this: It will get better, it will be okay, but it WILL take time, tears, love and patience on EVERYBODY'S part. YOU can and WILL survive this, only to live a better and more REAL life somewhere down the road....

I'm just a few hours up the interstate from you. PM me anytime.. :)

Try to relax and get a bite to eat. You are worth it, you really are!

Love and sunshine! Svenna

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I read your post and I wanted to respond at least with a short message before leaving this afternoon for electroylsis.

It's hard, just hard Becca. I am sorry you are in a rough place right now. Trying to resolve the HRT issue with wife is just plain gut wrenching, I somehow got past it, perhaps you can too. I know it feels like we think about these issues way too much, it's a huge consumer of mental ability and time, I have to force myself to think of other things, yes there are other things in life, for me it's my music, I go do that so I can be away from this, I just try be myself, that's my message be yourself and try to relax, don't let worry eat you up, and do try to eat for your well being. You are what matters, take care of yourself first, then you can deal with other's expectations after that Becca.

Take care

Cindy -

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I'm not at HRT yet and won't be for a while but rather than wait for my wife to get her head around it, I set a date out in the future when I plan to begin HRT. For me that's about 6 months out. I figure she'll have her head around it by then and if not, I still have to take care of myself. That also gives me incentive to work on other issues in the meanwhile, including getting started on facial electrolysis, continuing therapy, start acquiring clothes and makeup I want, finding a wig I like, at least until I can get hair grown in to not need a wig, etc.

I'm building a transition timeline with my therapist that includes dozens of little things like going for my first manicure en femme, etc., all the way to when I plan to come out to other family members. And because I agreed to go slow with my wife, there's even gender reassignment surgery out there towards the end of the timeline and I'm putting that at 36+ months for myself, both for my wife's sake and for financial reasons. Building a timeline has let me begun to focus on what I want and need to do now, what comes next, and so on.

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Dear Becca, I spent a lifetime putting others first, now I regret not doing at least a few things for myself, I hope and pray that you can get to where you can do some things for yourself without feeling guilty, it took me a long time and I have seen , in hind sight, that I should have done at least a few things for myself.

hugs...Rikki....

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Hey Becca

I know why ur wife is avoiding the conversation . Denial is alot easier to deal with then the truth . I too went through the same . Becca have u started seeing a therapists ? My partner did and after 5 visits got the Letter for the endo to start treatment next month . What we have worked out is to start treatment slow . That helps me to slowly adjust to changes and also it doesn't put her life on hold . Maybe u can work out something . Remember though no matter what u chose ur wife won't be happy only because she doesn't want to loose the man she married . It's all a process a hard breaking one . U must keep ur line of communication open or else it will get to much for u . Not eating is doing damage to ur organs u have to make a plan for your health sake . There are things u can do that will keep u focused . U know it's no game it's a condition so u have to treat it or else it will destroy u . I know u and ur wife truely love each other with love and gentleness u need to keep moving slowly forward. Don't take 10 steps back when u have already come this far . Stay strong my friend ((((hugs))))

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Thank you all for the replies. I want you to know that I honestly do know I need and want to eat something.. Its just that the nausea and cramps I get when I do eat has gotten painful enough I'm scared to. I've tried all the things I enjoy doing to try to get my mind off of this but no luck yet, for example I love playing my guitar.. Lately I can barely make it through one song and I just have to put it down. I also love tinkering on this old boat I'm living on.. I haven't been able to make myself spend 15 minutes to even just wash the deck in weeks.

KJ I've been to the therapist once a month ago, was a joint session with my wife, just haven't had the cash or time off work for a 2nd visit yet. She recommended a book for my wife to read that might give her some understanding... Hasn't been read yet. I think I'm done trying to even bring this up to her over the phone at least, save time having to change the conversation...I'm just doing the best I can do right now, was hoping talking about it might help.. Here's to hoping..

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Becca,

Wow! This is like my life story minus the progress you were able to make. It's always been out of reach for me and like you, I feel like the happiness of others comes first, but hey, where's my share? Well I've been lucky and I come through a lot with no one to help. For us, there's this site. You were able to vent a bit and look at the genuine concern, support and love folks are sending your way.

You just hang in there. Ease up on yourself and do something nice for your self. Some little thing.

What guitar do you have? What do you like to play? I get my calluses back and then set my guitar to gather dust. That's not good.You do have a good insight on the phone calls. Hard to make a point to a hunk of a plastic.

Stay strong and if you can't stay strong, for Pete's sake, stay right here!

Sara Lee

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When u can it would be wise to continue therapy . I went to every appt with my partner .i did this for a few reasons 1:was so I could understand we're all this started how it affected her life. 2: there was no denying this was a true condition .3: I would learn what to expect . Now every appt my darling partner would tell ya was a nightmare not for her but me . She was getting closer and closer to finding her true self and I was getting closer and closer to losing the man I married . So there were alot of mixed emotions.

Becca u are worth more than what u think ur wife and kids need u . U can slowly transition . Ofcourse it will be a rollercoaster but u know in ur heart who u are u can't just give up , not now that u have come this far. My partner suffers from servere depression and since the therapist gave her the letter to start treatment her depression is so much better . She actually smiles now . And who am I too steal that peace and happiness away?

Ur wife does need timeyes but putting it on hold will only cause more conflict . Why?????? Because ur pain is real and so is hers that's why communication love and patience is ur key . Don't loose hope hang unto it because even though there baby steps u will get there

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Hey Becca, just found this thread. Sorry its going like it is. I just want to share that tonight I watched the DR Oz show on Transgendered people and found it very compassionate and reaffirming of what we go through. if you haven't seen ot I recommend you locate it. there were several stories involving families in which it was clear that the only way the TG person could achieve any peace of mind at all was to finally do what the inner voice called out to be done. The families were interviewed too.

We are who we are. Its not selfishness, its the very essence of who we are and if it is denied for ever, profound unhappiness and dispair will result in sometimes desperate acts. If I were to deny who I was, even if I didn't self destruct, it would be such a sad life to live it without ever accepting the essence of who I am...

I just just had a party two days ago in which I finally brought some of my trans friends and my other friends that i have disclosed to, together for the first time. What a dream come true. None of us on this planet truly know what our futures hold. I just believe we have to perservere while trying to make the world a little better place around us. Hopefully it all balances out.

Best wishes

Michelle

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More love and hugs for you, Becca...

I know it is hard. Very hard...

:) S

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Thought of you this morning and I hope your day is better today.

Love,

Sara Lee

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Becca

I wish I had a few pearls of wisdom that would shake this off of you. The mantle of depression is a heavy one to wear. Everyone here has said the right things, this much you know.

You also know, intellectually at least, that this is not going away, that you have fought it back all your life. Having a taste of the solution then losing it makes the suffering worse, but it also tells you that it CAN be solved. That there IS a way out. Happiness CAN be yours. You DO deserve it.

However you need to keep in mind that the solutions involve your body and your body needs to be healthy for them to work, Whether its HRT, electrolysis, surgery, or anything else, your body needs to be able to handle it.

I have never known the challenges of not being able to eat (quite the contrary) so I am no expert, but it seems like you might try to bring your body back slowly, maybe its nutrition drinks, bananas rice or something you can keep down to start with.

I do know that I have heard from several people that have been on HRT for some time that they work extra hard to stay healthy so they don't get taken off of it.

Please take some small steps of get out of this. Every small step leads to a big gain. We need you here, I need you here.

Zoe

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Hi Becca,

I was just thinking of you and hoping you're doing okay.

Hugs.

Shari

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What guitar do you have? What do you like to play? I get my calluses back and then set my guitar to gather dust. That's not good.You do have a good insight on the phone calls. Hard to make a point to a hunk of a plastic.

Stay strong and if you can't stay strong, for Pete's sake, stay right here!

I have an old Oscar Schmidt acoustic my Mom gave me for my 21'st b'day/Christmas present (they are only 11 days apart), this year will mark it being 19 years old. It was the last big gift she ever gave me before she past away, and probably my most treasured material possession). I play a lot of different types music, but since I moved onto a sailboat I tend to play a LOT of Buffet... I don't know why lol, maybe its the salt air.

Trust me Sara, I am doing my best to stay strong... Its just I've been playing at being strong for so long its gotten much more difficult than it used to. i honestly don't plan on going anywhere soon, trust me.

Becca u are worth more than what u think ur wife and kids need u . U can slowly transition . Of course it will be a roller coaster but u know in ur heart who u are u can't just give up , not now that u have come this far. My partner suffers from severe depression and since the therapist gave her the letter to start treatment her depression is so much better . She actually smiles now . And who am I too steal that peace and happiness away?

KJ I know my wife and kids need me, but I also feel that they need a complete person. Right now I feel absolutely split in a hundred different ways, and that's not good for anyone. Most of what I am feeling at the moment, or a bunch of ongoing moments, is that I AM stealing HER peace and happiness away.. Its an emotional response, no logic behind it. I can't talk my way around that feeling..

My inner geek is about to show, but I can't help but think of that quote from a certain movie... The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...Or the one... I am not saying that I think I don't deserve to be happy, it's just at what cost.. My family for the most part is happy right now... If I follow my heart for a chance to be happy, I run the risk of ruining everyone else.. As screwed up as that sounds that's what has been bouncing around in my head like a marathon game of Pong (showed my age there sorry)

Hey Becca, just found this thread. Sorry its going like it is. I just want to share that tonight I watched the DR Oz show on Transgendered people and found it very compassionate and reaffirming of what we go through. if you haven't seen ot I recommend you locate it. there were several stories involving families in which it was clear that the only way the TG person could achieve any peace of mind at all was to finally do what the inner voice called out to be done. The families were interviewed too.

We are who we are. Its not selfishness, its the very essence of who we are and if it is denied for ever, profound unhappiness and dispair will result in sometimes desperate acts. If I were to deny who I was, even if I didn't self destruct, it would be such a sad life to live it without ever accepting the essence of who I am...

I just just had a party two days ago in which I finally brought some of my trans friends and my other friends that i have disclosed to, together for the first time. What a dream come true. None of us on this planet truly know what our futures hold. I just believe we have to perservere while trying to make the world a little better place around us. Hopefully it all balances out.

Best wishes

Michelle

Thank you, I will have to see if I can find that show.. That part about self destructing... That's what I feel like my subconscious is trying to do to me.. No matter what I do to get my mind of of things, ir bounces around two distinct thought sequences... The first is that I should be who I was meant to be... Then the guilt of possibly tearing my family apart hits... I start to eventually get that dealt with then the second kicks in.. Put my family first and just suck it up and don't worry about myself... Then I get upset about neglecting myself and trying to suppress this... Once I almost overcome this return to step one and repeat... I am really looking forward to the next support group, and looking forward even more to setting up my next GT appointment..

More love and hugs for you, Becca...

I know it is hard. Very hard...

:) S

Thank you Svenna, its the hardest thing that I have ever gone through... Its like my mind and emotions are playing a killer game of dodgeball and its going into triple overtime (not sure dodgeball has overtime but you understand where I am going lol)

Thought of you this morning and I hope your day is better today.

Love,

Sara Lee

Its been just another day.. Neither better or worse... I'm just going to keep plugging away best I can..

Its been a late night, I'll talk to y'all tomorrow.

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Good night sweetheart!

Lizzy

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Nitey nite!

:) S

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That's it lovey a complete person U said it how will u be complete if u dont keep fighting for ur right to be happy. I know what u are saying I Too am hurting because of the choices that need to be made because of this condition. As a wife my heart was torn the emotional upheaval it brought to my life was unbelievable . BUT by taking it slow and working together as a couple I will adapt the pain will ease. I still have days were I think is this for real is this truely happening ? I have to with all my heart let her be happy how can I deny her of that ? Yes it's a battle it's like she is rejoicing while I am mourning . Take it slow don't deny yourself . My partners attitude was well this is it this is what I have to do ,so pretty much I accepted or I lost the love of my life . Now I'm not saying to take that approach it was hard but she had reached her limit . Where as me I had just started . Talk with ur wife keep expressing ur heart explain and keep explaining . It's hard to comprehend so the more u communicate about how it affects u how it affects her how it will affect the whole family the better choices u can both make as a team .

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Becca,

Wasn't your wife posting here at Laura's a while back? Isn't her name 'Connie'?

Any chance she might return here now?

There are a LOT of spouses of MTF's here presently, including my spouse. Maybe she could find some support (and more info about how you actually feel) by initiating contact with the other spouses?

It takes work on both sides, otherwise, there is little hope of a satisfactory resolution, in my humble opinion...

Love to you and Connie! Svenna

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B:

Its a new day. You are in my thoughts and I hope today is at least just a little bit better.

Baby steps

Big Hugs

Zoe

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Like Zoe I also hope this is a better day

When I reached my breaking point I felt such fear for my family and such guilt but I had come to the end. No blame to me for that. I am tough and I had fought a lifetime. I just finally wore out. Like running a marathon-you can't keep going forever-eventually you have to stop. Your reserves are gone. Or so it was with me. When I talked to my daughter about it I told her point blank the choice is I transition or I die. My body was even breaking down not just my mental reserves. Though transition seemed like such an impossible dream she wanted me alive. It hasn't been easy for her and had I promised to go at her pace I certainly would have been dead now.

That may be your choice here from the physical reactions you are having. Because it is human nature your wife will never be ready for this and never wrap her head around it as long as she doesn't have to and she can keep the status quo. In my own observations and what I have seen here anyway. You are not being selfish by doing what you must. If you had a cancer would you allow your family time to adjust before you treated it? What if the treatment altered your appearance as it sometimes does-or even lifestyle as it often does-do you then die waiting for them to feel comfortable? I'm not saying rush out full steam. I am saying you need to go ahead and save yourself. You owe them that. They don't really understand yet what they are asking-you do. You need to take control and do what you must to live.

You won't be sorry in the long run. I really believe you won't. There are painful and rough times ahead for sure. But some of the best imaginable as well. Life is waiting, Please chose it. That isn't selfish. That is survival and eventually those who resist now will understand. It may take months or a year or more but you will all benefit and be happier.

Johnny

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Wow JJ those exact words is what my Hun said to me . So real so true

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Johnny said:

"If you had a cancer would you allow your family time to adjust before you treated it? What if the treatment altered your appearance as it sometimes does-or even lifestyle as it often does-do you then die waiting for them to feel comfortable?"

I have found Johnny to be one of the biggest voices of reason on this site, but I want to comment on this one thing. My spouse has also said similar things to me, about thinking of this as a disease that needs treatment and changes appearance. My feeling on this is with Cancer or other such diseases (or disfiguring accidents, etc.), we are free to tell our friends, family, co-workers, etc. We can say "my spouse has cancer and is having chemo and so we're going through a tough time and his hair is falling out, he's losing weight, etc" We can ask for help, we can cry at work and everybody understands. But with transitioning, we don't have that option. Until the spouse comes out to everyone, it's a big secret. We have to keep it to ourselves. We have to go to work and act like everything's okay and normal at home. It's an added stress, to have to keep it a secret and to pretend we aren't in so much emotional pain. I'm not saying I would prefer my spouse to have cancer rather than to be transitioning. Not at all. I'm just saying it's not the same. And, of course, once your spouse does come out and starts dressing in the opposite gender he or she used to dress... well, then we face ridicule and whispers and questions, etc. With an illness like cancer, nobody makes fun of you. So, for those 2 reasons, this is a different thing. Of course it is preferable to an illness like cancer, or to any sort of disfigurement from an accident, but it comes with its own set of issues that make it harder in some ways. That said, when my spouse said to me, "I can't go on like this anymore. I can't live like this anymore" my heart tells me that I must do whatever it takes to accept this.

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However you need to keep in mind that the solutions involve your body and your body needs to be healthy for them to work, Whether its HRT, electrolysis, surgery, or anything else, your body needs to be able to handle it.

I have never known the challenges of not being able to eat (quite the contrary) so I am no expert, but it seems like you might try to bring your body back slowly, maybe its nutrition drinks, bananas rice or something you can keep down to start with.

I do know that I have heard from several people that have been on HRT for some time that they work extra hard to stay healthy so they don't get taken off of it.

Please take some small steps of get out of this. Every small step leads to a big gain. We need you here, I need you here.

Zoe

Zoe thank you, and I do realize I need to keep my body healthy. Not only for myself but for my wife and kids. I guess how some people turn to food when they get upset I'm the polar opposite. I just get upset to eat. I've suffered through these unintentional weight losses before, just never this long or this much (55lbs as of last Sunday). But on a lighter note I was able to get my big behind in an old pair of my wife's jeans (size 12) and they fit just right without the shaper lol.

That's it lovey a complete person U said it how will u be complete if u dont keep fighting for ur right to be happy. I know what u are saying I Too am hurting because of the choices that need to be made because of this condition. As a wife my heart was torn the emotional upheaval it brought to my life was unbelievable . BUT by taking it slow and working together as a couple I will adapt the pain will ease. I still have days were I think is this for real is this truely happening ? I have to with all my heart let her be happy how can I deny her of that ? Yes it's a battle it's like she is rejoicing while I am mourning . Take it slow don't deny yourself . My partners attitude was well this is it this is what I have to do ,so pretty much I accepted or I lost the love of my life . Now I'm not saying to take that approach it was hard but she had reached her limit . Where as me I had just started . Talk with ur wife keep expressing ur heart explain and keep explaining . It's hard to comprehend so the more u communicate about how it affects u how it affects her how it will affect the whole family the better choices u can both make as a team .

KJ I'm trying, I really am.

Becca,

Wasn't your wife posting here at Laura's a while back? Isn't her name 'Connie'?

Any chance she might return here now?

There are a LOT of spouses of MTF's here presently, including my spouse. Maybe she could find some support (and more info about how you actually feel) by initiating contact with the other spouses?

It takes work on both sides, otherwise, there is little hope of a satisfactory resolution, in my humble opinion...

Love to you and Connie! Svenna

She might be Svenna.. In May when she gets back down here.. Currently she is back in MS and while up there its like if we don't talk about it its not happening. So doubt she will log in while up there.

Like Zoe I also hope this is a better day

When I reached my breaking point I felt such fear for my family and such guilt but I had come to the end. No blame to me for that. I am tough and I had fought a lifetime. I just finally wore out. Like running a marathon-you can't keep going forever-eventually you have to stop. Your reserves are gone. Or so it was with me. When I talked to my daughter about it I told her point blank the choice is I transition or I die. My body was even breaking down not just my mental reserves. Though transition seemed like such an impossible dream she wanted me alive. It hasn't been easy for her and had I promised to go at her pace I certainly would have been dead now.

That may be your choice here from the physical reactions you are having. Because it is human nature your wife will never be ready for this and never wrap her head around it as long as she doesn't have to and she can keep the status quo. In my own observations and what I have seen here anyway. You are not being selfish by doing what you must. If you had a cancer would you allow your family time to adjust before you treated it? What if the treatment altered your appearance as it sometimes does-or even lifestyle as it often does-do you then die waiting for them to feel comfortable? I'm not saying rush out full steam. I am saying you need to go ahead and save yourself. You owe them that. They don't really understand yet what they are asking-you do. You need to take control and do what you must to live.

You won't be sorry in the long run. I really believe you won't. There are painful and rough times ahead for sure. But some of the best imaginable as well. Life is waiting, Please chose it. That isn't selfish. That is survival and eventually those who resist now will understand. It may take months or a year or more but you will all benefit and be happier.

Johnny

Today was a bit better day, of course I had to pull an old coping skill I learned years ago out of my arsenal of coping skills. But I ate me a really nice gyro salad (sans dressing) and my body and mind are too pooped to complain.. Of course it hurts to move right now but I'm full.. While I don't want to bulk up I figure right now its better to eat.. Figure a couple hundred pushup and situps, and a few dozen pullups I am worn slap out... But in a good way... Don't feel quite as frustrated, I just needed to do something as an outlet for now I guess... Now as soon as I recuperate just a bit, I'm headed to the shower and then bed...

Thank you all for your concern, and I truly hope you all have a great night and an even better day tomorrow.

Becca

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Day at a time! Sigh... sometimes that is how it has to work

Lizzy

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