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Guest heatherf

First time cutting

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Guest heatherf

Short background: I'm 38. In January, came out of denial, realized I was MTF and told my wife. Life's been crazy since then to say the least. I've had pretty consistent suicidal ideation since I was 14, but never acted on them, and I've always felt in control.

The past month, I've gotten depressed and felt like I had to choose between my family and my identity. I've been waking up with self-inflicted scratches and bruises all over my body. The last couple of days I was fixated on suicide, so to try to break that fixation I cut my forearm instead. That did break the fixation, so now what are the next steps to run away from the cliff?

Before my wife saw the cuts, we talked and had a great conversation that helped a lot w/ the depression. After she saw the cuts, she panicked. Any ideas on how to explain it to her?

I'm calling a psychiatrist. Anything else?

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Carolyn Marie

Hon, as I understand it, cutting is a means of distracting you from whatever psychic or emotuional pain you're feeling. By cutting, you take your mind off of your real problems, because the pain is what you're focused on. The effect is temporary, which is why for many cutters it becomes a habit, almost an addiction. The real problem is, while the effect is brief, it leaves scars that may last a lifetime.

We can help you here, hon. When you feel like cutting, you can log into the Chat Room and talk to a crisis Moderator, who will help you find ways to deal with the underlying issues, or offer you suggestions for safe methods of distraction, such as physical exercise or activities, mental activities, and things like music or painting.

You can also come to the Forums and PM one of the Mods on duty. Lastly, you can call 1-800 DONT CUT, a self abuse hotline.

As far as what to tell your wife, I think you should be honest and tell her that hiding your true self, and denying who you are, is taking a huge toll on your mental state, and what you and she need to do is find a gender therapist to help both of you through this struggle.

I wish you success, and I want you to know we care about you, and your safety.


Carolyn Marie

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Guest Guest_SL

Carolyn Marie offers the best advice and I can only add that when a pain inside grows so big, we often feel a pain outside will over ride the inner pain. It doesn't Never been into cutting but drugs. Big time drugs. Harder and harder until I almost went too far.

It is addictive act now to bring it to a halt. Carolyn Marie also is bang on with involving your wife. If she's going to be a part of your support in the future, she needs to know she can help and that this won't progress or she'll be a wreck.

Best of luck and stay in touch here! Please!

Sara Lee

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Guest sara23

Heather, Carolyn is right and you should seek out help. You really need to step up to the plate and try to get help to settle the issues that are eating away at you. It is doing you know good to try to bottle up everything and worry about what's going to happen next. You need to see a therapist that deals with gender issues and they will help you sort everything out. Their is no shame or embarrestment to get help that you need as these people are qualified professionals who deal with others like your self. Please get help before you hurt yourself.

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Guest Robin Winter

I was a cutter for several years. My reason for cutting might not have been the same as yours, but the results will be the same...I have scars all over my arms that I now have to live with, and it's not pretty.

Believe me, I understand the draw. But believe me about this too, there are healthy ways to cope and they work. Please talk to a professional if you're able, and if not, come visit us here whenever you get the urge. I can't tell you not to do it, but I want you to make a promise to yourself that you'll at least try. Commit to coming here first and going into chat or pm someone you trust whenever you get the urge, or like Carolyn Marie said, call the hot line. At least do that before you cut, and see if we can help.

If you were to seek out my very first post on these forums nearly 3 years ago, you'll see that I came here very open about the fact that I was a cutter. However, since being here I have only cut ONCE. Just once. The people here care, and they can help you if you let them. Pleast let them.


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Guest miss kindheart

Hi Heather,

<<< hug >>>

I am so sorry to hear that you cut :(

Please never do that again, it isn't the right thing to do

We all have moments of depression and self pitty

But we have to learn to just let them pass us by

As for your wife

I recommend honesty

If your love is true

It will be unconditional

I wish you the best of everything

Any time you need help just ask for it

drop in to chat , go to a crisisi room , and a mod will come

with love from


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Guest LauraAlice

Well, talking to a therapist will help. They may prescribe anti-depressants. Just look past the issue at hand to a brighter day. I used to cut, not a great solution. I now have 3 or four big long scars and countless tiny ones. And going to the hospital and explaining them was hard. And I was still depressed.

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Guest Lupi

Don't do it again! Trust me when I say it's addictive and generally just gets worse. I used to think that it was just a little to keep me level-headed, but it just kept on getting deeper and more frequent, until I was standing on the edge of a bridge in the middle of the night. After that I just kept on scheming ways to off my self without people noticing. It's only been recently that I've found a reason to try and quit. Self harm is a gateway to some very scary places, so do us all a favour and just get out before you get in!

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