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Guest Ellie_Aislin

TIme moves so slow

7 posts in this topic

It's only been a few months since I started my transition, but it feels as though it's been years. The stress of it and other stressors in my life (finishing my thesis, promotions at work and families acceptance, but disapproving) have made these last few months a seesaw. I really would prefer to have so many other ailments other than depression and anxiety. Give me diabetes or something else managable, and take away the D/A please! I really am looking forward to starting hormones (yet scared too), hopefully within the next few months. I really feel that when I start taking them, those mental changes will in many ways put me at ease, because I feel like right now my brain has two people clashing to take control, Girl vs Boy, and it sucks. The mind want's girl, but the body chemistry is still saying boy.

I'm not even looking too forward to the summer. One of my two roommates is barely home, and the other will be gone for the summer. When I'm not feeling all that well, coming home to an empty house (except my dog) is extremely depressing to me. It sucks, as an adolescent, I spent a great deal of time alone, and now I can't stand it. I guess I got too much of a taste of what it's like to have friends around. Even if they're in another room doing their own thing, it's nice to know they're there. Ugg. I'll keep trying to make new friends, and see where that goes. Maybe love will find me one of these days.

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For sure, stress can take a toll on you. The important thing is that you don't give up. For what it's worth, you've got us here to talk to. Do you ever go into the chat here? Whenever you're feeling down, go talk to one of the chat mods one on one. They're great listeners and they can give really good advice. Jut wondering. Have you ever counseled with a gender therapist? That could put you in the right direction.

MaryEllen

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thanks for the idea, I'll look into the chat rooms. I am seeing a gender therapist and that is going well. My problem is myself. I'm extremely analytical person, and think about things insessantly. In so many ways, I'm my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could beat a bit of the brains out of my head so I didn't think of things so much. Don't mind my ranting. I've been on antidepressants/antianxiety meds for over 10 years and know that when I'm feeling bad, I can convince myself that I hate anything I previously loved or believed. It gets very tiring though and unfortunitely can't really help me find love which I want more than anything.

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...

In so many ways, I'm my own worst enemy.

...

The more you get to know other trans folk, you will find that probably ALL of us have uttered those exact words a plethora of times! Believe me I know those feelings all too well to the point that it caused me to create this prison for myself, scared to death to venture one foot out into public.

That is good to hear you are seeing a G.T. - many issues can be worked through together, which is very important for you right now.

And ME has a wonderful suggestion to visit the chat's. There are some guidelines we do ask that you please review at least once, and you would need to create a username/password for there as well. The nice thing about chat is unlike posting a comment / question and waiting for someone to reply, chat is live and instant and sometimes can fill in those lonely times you are experiencing. Laura's has been a lifeline for SO many people who often have no where else to turn.

Oh, my apologies, Ellie_Aislin. It is very nice to meet you. :)

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Hi Ellie, I'm Kathryn and Bette is completely right in saying what you are feeling is normal. Many of us go through the same feelings everyday. There is no majic wand that I can hand you other than to offer you the hope that it will in time become easier. This journey is a long marathon rather than a total sprint and it's best to begin with baby steps at first until you feel stready on your feet. As you achieve more and more steadiness, your confidence level begins to rise from the doldrums and you began to walk a little faster gainig additional confidence as you go. When you begin to sprint towards the end of the marathon, your confidence levels are high, you see your goal and you are at that point where the self doubts go away. You feel really exhilarated by the sprint, the wind is rushing through your hair, and you look around and your real friends and family are cheering you on to the finish line. Ellie, it's this way for everybody. As you are making babysteps, the need is great for each of us to reach out and help each other. When you become steadier on your feet, reaching out and helping others really helps yourself even more. That's the beauty and wonder that is Laura's. It's been a real pleasure to meet you Ellie. Kathryn

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Yes - that is how we are, I regret to say.

Try this

STOP - relax for a few days - NO thinking and especially no talking on ANYTHING related to gender dysphoria, transsexuality, or transitioning. Then later when it gets really quiet - like those few minutes before you go to sleep? Take a good look into your heart. You already know you want to this - but... have you ACCEPTED what you are? See if that is what you have done. If not - talk to your therapist. If you have accepted yourself, say so - I mean loudly in your mind.

I am what I am and what I am is perfectly okay.

That should calm you down. All else will follow eventually, there is no real time table. You can relax and take it as it comes... it's easier like that.

Then begin to love yourself - accepting is DIFFERENT from loving yourself. Love what you are - just love love love yourself.

Time is what it is - grin - so don't worry so much. [Maybe, read my signature?]

Lizzy

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Thanks for the words of encouragement. It really is tough for me right now. In the last few months I've for the most part felt so sure that this transition is what I want, and now I question that every minute of the day. It's not as though my mind is saying go back to the person you were, it's just telling me that I might not want this. Essentially the part of my mind trying to decide what to do with my life has gone on vacation. I hate this depression and anxiety! Probably need to change the meds, and that will be no joy. Maybe it is because I came out of the transition gate running at full speed, and I've now hit the wall. Maybe it's the fact that I pushed forward to as far as I could currently get and my mind is saying "is this the finish line you were expecting? This sucks". Ugg! What to do, what to do? I will try the advise you all gave me, for which I'm very appreciative. How did you balance/come to peace with the life you lived for so many years with the life you feel you need to pursue? Right now I think I'm numb, not sure where to go from here. Sitting by the side of a lonely road waiting for a bus that I have no clue will or will not come. sigh....

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