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Jo-I-Dunno

Androgynous asexual "dating" and the desire to have a family

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I really like my life and I have high hopes for the future, but one big thing that I want to know remains a mystery.

For the most part I'm asexual. There are certain things that arouse me but they're all based on imagery and ideas, not physical interaction with another human being. Yet I'm still extremely interested in having a life partner and/or children. Being both asexual and not really fitting in any specific gender category, though, makes me wonder: who would even be interested in starting a family with me?

More importantly, how likely is it that I'd be interested back? I'm extremely picky about who I spend time with. I haven't made a single friend in my two years of college, and all 5 of my real friends were made during my middle school days. I'd be willing to start a family (asexually) with any one of them, and they know this, but none of them seem to feel the same way back :mellow:.

MOST importantly, supposing there is another human out there who'd be willing to share their life with me and vice-versa, how do we find each other? By default, everyone's assumed straight, and there are social queues to advertise an openness to gay dating, but how the heck do you let others know you're looking for an asexual partner to start a family with?

One of my friends is vaguely peculiar in similar ways. When he talks about children and being a parent, he lights up compared to his normally monotone self. He's definitely looking for love, specifically with a female partner, but like me, he's extremely picky about friends and, also like me, has never been on a date or interested in anyone specific. I suggested we start a family together; he didn't seem too interested. At the same time, he's expressed a passing interest in chemical castration if he ever gives up on finding a girl. That sounds like a really sad solution to a really sad problem, but part of me wants it to happen so he'd be more willing to start a family with me.

There's also the possibility of making myself female in his eyes. Straight sexual intercourse with myself as the female is the only type that sounds remotely interesting / not disgusting, but such a situation would require surgical intervention which sounds terrifying to me, as well as a letter of recommendation from a therapist I'd like confuse the heck out of with my ambiguity. Besides, because of our long past as male buddies, I imagine that'd weird him out way too much anyway.

Making myself female to the world for the soul purpose of straight dating would open up a lot more possibilities, but those possibilities would be the only real reason I'd do it. Such a road, however, has potential to be life-shatteringly disappointing, especially considering I love my life otherwise.

Ideas anybody?

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A 60's - 80's actor/singer by the name of Dean Martin had a song that was his personal intro theme, that went "Everybody loves somebody sometime, everybody falls in love somehow...." All I can say is that it is true, everybody does, but whether it will last or be a forever, or a family etc. I am the genetic parent of three children, and while intimate contact between their genetic mother and I happened for a while and resulted in her becoming pregnant, but when she left the other four of us due to her mental health issues, I felt I was emotionally, but not physically deprived of a partner. I was the single parent to our children, but have not been sexually active since the marriage broke up. I am friends with my ex who is now co-parent in our children's lives, but no sexual urges, and I wonder even now if I had them while we were married. I wanted a relationship that was built on trust, and while that part of the relationship lasted, I could allow sexual contact, but was detached from it while it happened. Trust broken, end of physical items.

To follow a theme here, another singer/actor of Dean Martin's era had another song called "It Was A Very Good Year" where they describe a lifetime of relations with various people (for the day, yes it was all cis and hetero) and conclude they have had a very good life. These could become your themes or close to them, but life can turn out fine.

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I've encountered all sorts of couples. Not that long ago I encountered a blog by a female-bodied asexual androgyne who was blogging about top surgery. This person's partner was playing a major supporting role.

If you want a family, you can find a way to build one. If you want a partner, you may yet find one. You might want to open yourself up to having some new people in your life, though--not everyone is going to be a best friend, but you never know when an acquiantance you make, whether through a common interest or whatever, will turn out to be a friend. I don't make friends easily, either, but it can happen. And there are people who choose to become parents without a partner, and build a family that way.

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I can tell you that YES there are people out there that are willing to love and have a family in an asexual way.

I don't make friends easy... in fact I have 1 real life friend. I met him my freshman year of high school. I married him and had 4 children with him. I always wanted kids, I've also always known that I wasn't normal. We finally reached a point where he needs more than I can give and I need to at least begin my transition for the sake of my own sanity. We're still really good friends, but he's never been anything MORE than that to me. We decided to find him a girlfriend, with me having veto power. :D He found someone that I'm willing to trust with my kids and they've been together since last Halloween. He's never been happier and I'm so depressed because it finally hit me that I'm probably NEVER going to find someone that gets me like she does him. I want intimacy, just not sex. How do I even begin to find someone that understands that, let alone someone who gets it and is alright with me being trans, having a complicated family, and is compatible with me?

Don't give up, and don't settle. When you do find someone to make a life with it won't matter what body parts you do or don't have. Making changes to your body for someone else is something you'll probably regret after the fact. Your body is something that YOU need to be comfortable with. I can't help with where to look for friends, since I meet all mine online and have yet to tell most of them the name I was born with... or anyone not from this site that i'm trans. :rolleyes:

Just so you know, a family doesn't HAVE to have two parents. My mother raised us on her own. If you are set on being the world to a child, adopt one and make them the happiest child on earth. It's easier with a partner, but as long as you have any kind of support system; it's not a requirement. I've seen many couples stay together 'for the kids' when in all honesty 'the kids' would be much better off if they split.

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I'm aware of the single parent adoption option, but I don't know. The little research I've done says that it's rarely allowed, especially for men. My life circumstances would have to change significantly as well: I would not be happy being a single parent and having a full-time job at the same time.

I used to want to a child more than a partner, and I'm sure I'll feel that way again someday (my opinion on things like this seem to change almost seasonally), but currently wanting a partner is a big part of it.

I don't think changing my body would be an enormous mistake, if a mistake at all. If I could wave a magic wand and do it I would in a heartbeat. It's just the cost and pain and risks of surgery, and the thought of having to "convince" a mental health professional that I'm a "woman" that worry me, not the end result. So far, it doesn't sound worthwhile. Again, my life circumstances would have to change significantly first (aka super-stable job and money in the bank).

Actually, something I hadn't considered, but sounds kind of nice, would be to join forces with a single parent who already has children of their own.

I guess my problem is that there isn't really a social structure for forming the type of family I have in-mind, no way to advertise interest to the world. The "dating game" is so prevalent that I'd have to go out of my way to explain my unique desires since none of it's stuff that comes up in normal conversation.

As a side note, this friend of mine who at the present is the most interesting candidate for a partner, is quickly becoming my best friend. We have a lot of activities planned this Summer (I'm helping him build a computer and and learn to program and he, in turn, is teaching me how to drive) and it seems like every time we meet we have a deep philosophical discussion during which I find we have a lot more in-common than I originally thought. Even if we don't become "partners" per se, I like to imagine he'll be a part of my family regardless.

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Eh, all I can really do is echo everyone else and their sentiments - especially being open to new people. It's really cool that you and you're friend are getting closer, but it can't hurt to be open too.

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Well, it was always going to be complicated. Just for some it's more complicated than others.

But here's the thing..313,005,179 people in America and rising.

7 Billion worldwide. And rising. One you.

So no, it won't be easy to find someone who gets you. Or who understands easily about all that.

But there's a lot of choice.

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Hi Jo,

It seems that the potential for creating "alternative" families is never ending today. It is quite possible that you may find someone who would like to share a committed asexual relationship, parenting responsibilites and a household. I have heard of people who were essentially "sperm donors" yet remained active in co-parenting with a couple ( but lived in different homes.) I have one freind who adopted a child with a very close freind ... they share custody and all responsibilites equally. So, Naythign is possible.

I am a big advocate for adoption (although, I must admit that for me and my partner, adopting a dog has been enough to satisfy our parental needs. )

Best to you,

JB

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You know ... I am goign to add that it seems that "non-traditional" familes far outnumber "traditional" familes. Perhaps they have frop a very long time and it is only now openly discussed? Anyway, I am thinking of two sisters who are raising a newborn together. The one sister had an un-planned pregnancy and the other sister ( who shared a home with her) offered to co-parent the child. It seems to be working well for everyone involved.

"Love makes a family" and mutual respect and cooperation is a big help too.

Good Luck,

JB

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"Love makes a family" and mutual respect and cooperation is a big help too.

Good Luck,

JB

Tell that to my kidlins. XP

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Micha ... You are a great parent! Kids ... well .. they are kids ... :doh1: They can't even spell cooperation.

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I'd have to say don't get hung up on "traditional" parenting. I mean, if you want to talk about length of history, the saying: "It takes a village to raise a child." has been around a lot longer than "Marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman."

Just wanted to say that.

I know I don't have to tell y'all that!

_L

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I'm also asexual. It isn't completely uncommon, but even the lovely little genderbread being does not have asexual as an option.

Anyway there is a group: asexuality dot org.

They do run some "dating groups" and so on, but it is not actually a personal site.

I've never really wanted a family and so on, but I am on the autism spectrum (a group highly represented as both asexual and trans* afaik, so that probably explains that.

--Jay Jay

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