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Guest Heron

Gung Ho But Tearful Too...Is That Normal?

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Hi everyone:

So glad my 16 year old sent me this site. She just came out as transgendered on Saturday morning, is a high honors sophomore in high school, and wants to start her junior year as a male. We have agreed to use female descriptions and pronouns until August, after a planned trip abroad.

I have been as supportive as I can be, maybe even overly, if that were possible. I have read every available Kindle book since Saturday (I know much, much more about Chaz Bono then I ever thought I would!), we have gone together to speak to the social worker at school, I've informed some family members (who are all supportive), and have been there for my husband, my FTM child, her older sister, and her younger brother. My child is not gay and is not butch in appearance, so it has been hard for some to grasp this, and I have had some explaining to do!

I have made therapy appointments for my child, ordered a binder, listened to her, done everything I can.

And now I can't sleep and find that I am very tearful.

I am known for not having moss grow on me. You give me something and I will run with it. But now I just want to slow down. I probably could use some therapy too, but I can't afford it for both of us. There is a support group for parents, but it is almost two hours away and only once a month. I have my 12-step meetings too, and the support of my sponsor, but right now I just need a hug from someone who has been through this. I feel very alone and not as strong as people think I am.

Just wanted to reach out. Thank you for being there. I'm sure I'll be on this forum a lot.

Blue

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~Brenda~   
~Brenda~

Dear Blue,

Welcome to Laura's Playground hon. If I may, start using appropriate pronouns as soon as possible. There really should be no conditions on this. Your son needs to hear them now. I am very glad to hear that you are educating yourself and that you are supportive. Thank you for reaching out. Laura's is for all those affected by transgendered experience. I would encourage you to allow your son to join Laura's too. Here at Laura's, there is a tremendous amount of information and education available here. On behalf of Laura's, I welcome you. As a parent myself, I welcome you.

Love

Brenda

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Thank you, Brenda - I think my child is already on here. It's her choice to use the female pronoun until August 1....we're so new at this. :blush: Should I use "he" anyway? I have no problem with it.

A long road and a lot of learning ahead, there's no doubt.

xxx

Blue Heron

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angels wings   
angels wings

Hello you wonderful mama you are truely amazing to have been so loving and supportive . I'm not a parent but a partner of a wonderful person who is transitioning . I too have supported my partner as much as I can but at the same time there are days u want to cry. There is alot of emotions and u have done the most awsome thing a parent can do and that is love ur child unconditionally . You should be so proud of yourself. As a ma we want what is best for our kids we go to all lengths to help them discover themselves and love themselves in the process there are times our heart breaks. Not becauses their choices are wrong but because at times thy shock us and we have to learn and adjust and try and remain encouraging at the same time. I'm sure you will find alot of support here from lots of us . We're all here for u ((((((hugs))))) filled with strength

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Mittens_kittens   
Mittens_kittens

Hi Blue,

Welcome to Laura's. Here's that hug you asked for :friends: . You are most definitely not alone. There are several other parents and many others on this site that will be there for you.

I'm amazed that you just found out that you have a new son on Saturday, and you're here learning and sharing already. Wow, what a mom! Take a deep breath and try to slow down. There's plenty of time to process and do all that needs done. Little steps are easier and healthier for everyone involved.

I am also a mom to an FTM (18 years old), so I know exactly what the tears and the inability to sleep are about. After all the running around and making sure everyone else is taken care of, when you stop for a minute and actually get to think for yourself, it can be very overwhelming. Although you are not losing your child, you are losing a daughter and will need to grieve for all the things that means to you. I can assure you though that you will not be losing all that you may fear. Your new son will be the same person with the same likes, dislikes, personality, sense of humor, etc. -- just with a different outer appearance and probably a new name.

I admire your courage and positive attitude, Blue. It is a difficult process, but your family will make it through this. You've got to be an awesome mom for your child to feel comfortable enough to share this with you. So many kids don't have that, and they suffer so needlessly.

I look forward to sharing and supporting each other.

Mittens

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Guest Joyful Mama   
Guest Joyful Mama

Dear Blue,

Welcome to Laura's! As I read your introduction, I nodded to myself when you wrote that you are tearful. Boy, I remember being in that mode. My child is MtF and it was very emotional (still is...) and the tears just flowed. I swear I even cried in my sleep. I, too, have always been considered 'strong', but this really threw me and I found myself needing the help of others too. So, my hugs are here for you! This is a big challenge, none of us ever would have dreamed we would be going through. While we give our support to our children, this is affecting us greatly too. It is a hard balance - supporting and staying positive for them, while we are handling the shock of it all. It is okay to cry and feel a loss. But, try to remember you haven't lost your child completely - they are just going to look different. Know that there are other moms here that are going through the transition with their kids too and we are all in it together.

Hugs,

Joyful Mama

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VickySGV   
VickySGV

Grief is highly appropriate in this situation, and needs to be dealt with by everyone involved. Yes, you support your child, but still they are doing something that will take them away from you as you have know them for the rest of both of your lives. There are stages that are pretty well identified in the grieving process, and there is some backtracking every now and then on those stages. We have our dreams for them as parents, and the dreams often become as real to us as the child, every now and then even more so. Yes, you are losing a child and a childhood to a person who will claim blood relations to you, but is nothing like your dream and memory. It is fine to cry about the loss.

As a parent though I have had to keep in mind that my children do not belong to me, to paraphrase one of my favorite poets, "they have come through me (and their mother) but they have not come FROM me. They are not my children, but the children of LIFE itself, and they have a dwelling place for their dreams and souls that I can never visit even in my dreams." This is especially true for the parents of a transgendered child and you will be lost and tearful until you can build new pride in your own accomplishments in raising your child.

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Thank you, Angel Wings and Mittens....Not sad, just emotional. I guess there will be a lot of emotions. Me and my child even have "Are you SURE?" as an in-joke now, because I asked so many times in the first 24 hours!

Really, Mittens, the same? Can't my new son clean his room and brush his teeth a little more than my daughter? ^_^

Boy oh boy, am I glad you are all here! I couldn't have waited any longer. Thank you thank you thank you!

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Guest Kit   
Guest Kit

Can I just mention that I think it's really really awesome that you're taking steps to be educated about this?

Coming here is a really awesome step for you and your son to take. Congratulations for the effort!

Kit

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Svenna   
Svenna

Blue,

What an amazingly open-minded and big-hearted reaction you have had to such a difficult revelation. YOU deserve a break, yes you do, well done, dear lady, very well done...

The folks that responded earlier said a lot of very true things, and they have 'been there, done that', too! I'm an MTF transitioner, so I see these things from a whole different angle, but from where I am sitting, you look like a tremendously caring and loving mother. You'll probably find that a LOT of us trans-folk WISH our parents were as understanding and pro-active as you have plainly been. Yep, I am GREEN with envy, lol...

Welcome to Laura's Blue, your input and presence is so very, very welcome!

Thanks for signing up! :)

Love and Admiration, Svenna

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Guest Haileyruso   
Guest Haileyruso

Blue,

An organization called "Pride", usually preceded by your city's name would be a great place to maybe find support groups closer to where you live. Also, if you live near a college, it most likely has some sort of LGBT organization that could be of help in your quest for information and support.

Your embrace of your son the way he is is the most wonderful thing...I wish more parents could be as kind and supportive as I see that you are. Transition is definitely a family journey...one on which you do much better if you have an open mind, and positive attitude. Good luck, and welcome to Laura's :) Hugs to you and your son!

Hailey

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Sally   
Sally

Blue,

I am not a parent at all but I do understand just how difficult this must be for you - we have a hard time coming to terms with this ourselves but at least we have the prize - becoming our true selves, you can see losing your daughter as you knew her.

Learning more about the condition itself is good, I would say great because not only does it help you understand how she feels a little better but it will also make it easier for you to embrace your son when it is time.

Acceptance and support from a parent is one of the most important and wonderful things that any of us could ever hope for.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Thank you all so much.....very grateful for the support.

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Guest Elizabeth K   
Guest Elizabeth K

Ms Blue?

Sometimes the strongest people are the ones that need hugs the most

~~~~~~~~~~ HUGGS ~~~~~~~~~~ (we use two 'G's to make them twice as strong!)

I gladly give you all I have saved up right now ! And - hummmm - I am a parent - all three of my children are now adults and married, and I have one grandson. I love my children and - whew - they love me back! It's one of those non-conditional types of love... so rare, but... somehow it trumps everything.

You see I am their transitioned father. Their conversations to other people often starts, "My father, she...."

They say they don't care what gender I am as long as I am in their life. I think that is what this person you have lived with all these years... well... what he hopes to hear from you.

You seem to understand that part. Maybe we can help you with all the rest? Please stay with us.

Lizzy

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Awww, Lizzy. I'm feelin' the love. :wub:

My son's binder arrived today. I was concerned because he has big old boobs like me (I had a reduction 10 years ago, like eggplants they were) but it looks GOOD! Getting a male haircut tomorrow and first therapy appointment. Wow! it's happening quickly, and, like I said, I hope it's not going TOO fast for him. I'm so gung ho, just want my child to be comfortable....He hasn't told his friends at school yet. That's going to be big.

Love to all,

Blue

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angels wings   
angels wings

I just woke up . I'm on the other side of the planet :) just a little thought that might help there is alot of advice on binders here and how to do it safely I will try and find what section it's in it might help (((((hugs))))

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angels wings   
angels wings

It's in the FTM forums there is loads of gd advice :)

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JJ   
JJ

For me there was a rush to get a binder, haircut and all and start living as myself. It's a dream come true and yet as your son will discover it is about so much more than appearance. Re-socializing male is more complex and difficult than I think anyone can prepare themselves for-maybe more so because I waited so late :)-but I think some parts of internalizing the new societal role and self image are challenging for someone of any age. those things will apply some natural brakes. I used to think the delays in the system were ridiculous but now understand that they are necessary so we can catch up with ourselves. There'll be some real lows ahead that will be off set by great highs and I found for myself, and have heard it mentioned here often, I became more self focused than ever in my life. Not fun for those around us but it passes as we work through transition.

Your son is so blessed to have you. And to have a full and complete life ahead.

As others have said, you also need time to take care of your own needs and will be able to be tthere much more for your son if you do.

Johnny

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Guest Heron   
Guest Heron

Just went to the parents' forum....thank you all! This is wonderful and I am so grateful to all of you for your comments and support. xxxx Blue

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Guest Chef   
Guest Chef

Thank you for this discussion thread!

I so get the Gung Ho mixed with some other emotions. For me, rather than tearful, I am a bit fearful and am wrestling with wanting my child to be both blissfully happy and safe.

We met with the school counselor today and I was so glad to hear him tell my child that he is brave and strong for sharing and opening up. We live in an incredibly accepting community where he will be safe and supported. But how can I help my child to balance being true to himself and keep himself safe from ignorance and bigotry?

Thanks.

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Guest YourDaughterToo   
Guest YourDaughterToo

Dear Heron and Chef,

Welcome to Laura's. My daughter is 3 years post-op and happy with her life. It was a long, difficult journey but well worth it. You will experience many conflicting emotions but you will become stronger and I know that both of you are accepting, loving and supportive parents.

We're here to help you. Don't hesitate to ask questions.

Rhonda

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twinstar4   
twinstar4

Heron and Chef,

This is a roller coaster ride...lots of highs and lots of lows. You are on the right path. Your child's welfare is your # 1 priority. Accepting our kids for who they are and helping them become their best selves, that is what we want. There are lots of tears and fears in the beginning. It takes time to learn all you can learn and to find the proper help for your child.

We are so lucky to have this online resource. The older folks here might have had an easier time if their parents had these resources available at their fingertips.

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