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Guest Dracip

I'm Confused and Scared

9 posts in this topic

Wow where to begin,

I believe it was last month when my feelings all came to a head, I had this undeniable pull to becoming a woman and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me. I'm still scared even after a month of researching and self reflection and peer groups. I've always had this nagging sensation at the back of my mind like something was wrong, even as a kid I would admire womens clothing and imagine myself in them.

The thing is, I have never crossdressed. It's bizzare to me because these feeling are so strong now that I feel like I'm going to fall out of my chair. I have always been portrayed as the masculine type of person but I've always been detached and shy away from boys in my age group. (I'm 21 next week.)

I don't want these feelings, yet I want to accept them. I don't want to live in a male body and it freaks me the hell out, I want to experience the emotions, the feelings, the good and the bad. I mostly feel scared that people will think I'm a poser or that I'm faking it, it seems almost unheard of for a trans person to have never dressed before.

One thing that's been on my mind alot lately is suicide, especially after I talked to my mom about this. (she was less than accepting) Alot of websites tell me it's transsexual but I want to know what real people think. This has really been affecting every faucet of my life and making things a living hell.

Am I Dylan, or Rebecca?

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You are you, relax and you can be yourself here Rebecca (Dylan). Thanks for your intro post and welcome to Laura's Playground. This site can be quite useful to explore yourself with and many folks about with similar questions and experiences. :)

Living in a male body at 21 when you know it's not right is a scarry thought, and your Mom will most definately question these expressions if no prior history shown to her, she may see it as "coming out of nowhere" ? Stay with us, do your research, ask questions of the membership if you feel like it, spend the time to learn about yourself, these questions daunting, suicide won't solve anything, there is live chat available if you need it, please visit the chat rooms @ http://www.lauras-pl...nd.com/chat.htm

And you may find the teen forums (13-24) useful @ http://www.lauras-pl...hp?showforum=21

Hugs

Cindy -

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Wow where to begin,

I believe it was last month when my feelings all came to a head, I had this undeniable pull to becoming a woman and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me. I'm still scared even after a month of researching and self reflection and peer groups. I've always had this nagging sensation at the back of my mind like something was wrong, even as a kid I would admire womens clothing and imagine myself in them.

The thing is, I have never crossdressed. It's bizzare to me because these feeling are so strong now that I feel like I'm going to fall out of my chair. I have always been portrayed as the masculine type of person but I've always been detached and shy away from boys in my age group. (I'm 21 next week.)

I don't want these feelings, yet I want to accept them. I don't want to live in a male body and it freaks me the hell out, I want to experience the emotions, the feelings, the good and the bad. I mostly feel scared that people will think I'm a poser or that I'm faking it, it seems almost unheard of for a trans person to have never dressed before.

One thing that's been on my mind alot lately is suicide, especially after I talked to my mom about this. (she was less than accepting) Alot of websites tell me it's transsexual but I want to know what real people think. This has really been affecting every faucet of my life and making things a living hell.

Am I Dylan, or Rebecca?

Please whatever you do, do not consider suicide, there is suicide prevention help available if you need to speak to someone immediately (I don't know the link and I don't want to say the wrong thing so I will leave that up to a mod). It sounds like it is time for you to speak to a professional about this. Gender therapists can be a huge help. Anyway, welcome and I hope to see you around for a long time to come :)

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Questioning - that is a description of so many when they come here.

You belong here, regardless of whatever you are. It's called gender dysphoria - what you write is NOT the angst of a poser. - and transsexualism is only one kind of GD. To self diagnose is not going to work very well, and we here at Laura's Playground are not therapists. To discover who and what you are you should really seek out a gender dysphoria trained therapist. But that may take some time.

And never have dressed before disqualifies you? I disagree. My roommate in college turned out to also be transsexual (what are te odds!) and she never crossdressed - ever. She is now 4 years post op - so it can happen. We are all over the spectrum.

But the most important thing? You need to be happy. That suicide thing is a manifestation of some really serious internal turmoil. You need to go some self searching. But it really comes down to just understanding that you are not alone anymore. We are here with you - and we are a diverse group - and very much a loving family. So know this - what you are, whatever it is, is okay. PLEASE stay with us. We are glad to try to help you.

Lizzy

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I was so nervous I misspelled the topic title. Thank you for your words, it really means alot to me. Does anyone have any concrete definition of the differences of transgender and transsexual? I feel as though so many people have different ways to define the two so they tend to blur together. I know that gender is a spectrum and not static but It's nice to have a way of identifying.

I have read a ton of research and facts over the last month so I kind of know what I'm entering here it's just SO overwhelming. Also thank you Cindy, that was the first time anyone has ever called me that and it made feel...I'm not sure, comfortable? I think I'll ask my peer group to call me that regardless of my physical look.

As for a therapist there is a GID trained one in my city I just currently have no money with which to use.

Thank you all so much

Rebecca~

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I was so nervous I misspelled the topic title. Thank you for your words, it really means alot to me. Does anyone have any concrete definition of the differences of transgender and transsexual? I feel as though so many people have different ways to define the two so they tend to blur together. I know that gender is a spectrum and not static but It's nice to have a way of identifying.

I have read a ton of research and facts over the last month so I kind of know what I'm entering here it's just SO overwhelming. Also thank you Cindy, that was the first time anyone has ever called me that and it made feel...I'm not sure, comfortable? I think I'll ask my peer group to call me that regardless of my physical look.

As for a therapist there is a GID trained one in my city I just currently have no money with which to use.

Thank you all so much

Rebecca~

Generally - sigh, much controversy here - people consider being transsexual as one of the conditions possible under the transgender umbrella. Transgender can include (this is not a complete list) transsexuality, androgyny, intersexed, genderqueer and crossdressers. Its anyone who identifies their gender as being contrary to their sex (assigned at birth sex) It also includes people who identify as both or neither.

Sex and gender are also two different concepts, related but different. Think of it this way, sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears.

Lizzy

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Rebecca,

The answers to your questions can be found with an experienced gender therapist. Without the help of such a professional, most of us just spun our wheels round and round, turning every 'what if' and 'why not' over and over until insanity wasn't too far off...

Suicide? Yeah, almost ALL of us consider ending the turmoil at one time or another. Know what? Things really DO get BETTER!!!

It will get harder first, but peace and self-understanding CAN be found...

Starting with a trained gender therapist is the way forward...

Love and a warm welcome to YOU, Svenna

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Dear,

First, I want to welcome you to Laura's hon. Please know that we all understand you. Suicidal feelings are nothing to be ignored. If you are feeling this confused then you must talk to someone. You are 21, you are a legal adult. You can decide how your life will be.

Dylan or Rebecca? This is a question that must be answered for yourself. Therapy will help you so much to find that answer.

Welcome dear,

Love.

Brenda

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Your identity comes from within. And its hard to describe to anyone. Even yourself.

It was sort of shocking, realizing I was a man. But I knew that I was one when the time came.

Some ways I started realizing I was a man:

  • Being called "she" "her" "girl" and "woman" made me flinch.
  • Being called "Melisa" (my birthname) made me uncomfortable and angry.
  • I had no desire to be feminine, and I craved a male physique.
  • I wanted my physical characteristics to change. (Voice, hair, muscles, etc.)
  • Whenever I imagined myself in my head, I was always more manly (and eventually a man entirely)
  • I responded to the name "Johnathan" easily, as if it were natural, and it felt good to be called that name.

Everyone comes to recognize themselves differently. Whether you are Rebecca or not is something you must search for and realize. You have to imagine yourself in the future. Do you want to be recognized as a man? Men can crossdress without being women. It's a very different concept to truly be a woman versus a crossdresser. It is okay to feel scared. We all are scared at first. Especially when we don't know who or what we are. I would say, if you start to desire the physical image of a woman, you are most likely transsexual because you want to become who you truly are. It'll take time to figure this out yourself, so just take things slow and think things through. You'll be alright.

Be you,

JohnV

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