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Guest poeticallyhuman

Everyday is a struggle

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Hey, I'm new to Laura's and I figured I'd start here because I'm probably going to wind up here quite a bit. I was raised by drug addicts and as result, started doing drugs at a young age. My DOC is heroin, but I've done almost everything. Thankfully, I've been clean from heroin for two years, but still dabble in other things like MDMA, ketamine, hallucinogens, prescriptions. I find it impossible to be completely clean for any period of time. The longest I've gone without anything since I was 10 years old was a year. I'm 21. I drink quite a bit as well. I wish I could be clean. I have an older friend who's a recovering alcoholic who wants to take me too NA/AA, but it seems like a daunting step. I've been to a couple meetings to keep my friend company, but I really don't think its for me. I suffer from horrible anxiety which makes the meetings emotionally hard, as if they weren't hard enough already. But I'm tired of this being my life as it has been for years. I can do good for a while, then the cravings start and its like I'm not even in control anymore. I'm not sure where to go from here and any insights you have would be great.

Charles ******n

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Hi Charles, welcome to Laura's...

Sounds like you have the classic problem: Although you don't say why you want to stop, I'm guessing that things happen when you're using that you'd rather not have happen... On the other hand, when you stop, things get worse on the inside instead of better...

For me, the pain of staying the same had to get worse than the pain of changing. The "craving" you refer to was kinda like having a coiled spring in my solar plexus that would wind tighter and tighter, and I knew all I had to do was get in the car and drive to the liquor store and, magically, the craving would go away... Life was perfect after 2 1/2 drinks... Of course, the problem was it never stopped at two or three...

The anxiety you describe is common for newcomers. People don't show up at an AA meeting because life is wonderful, lol!

Yet, those that are convinced they are true addicts or alcoholics can begin a new way of life they can't even concieve of. The problem for alcoholics and addicts is that the booze or dope isn't the real problem... If it was, you could put down the substance and the problem would disappear. For the true addict or alcoholic the opposite occurs; that is, the problem gets worse. You see, for a true alcoholic, booze was the answer long before it became the problem. When the "crutch" no longer works, we are faced with living life in all its glory and pathos, without chemical aids. That is were the 12 steps of recovery come in, learning to live Life on Life's Terms, aaaand, to do it with some joy and happiness....

Every Sunday night a few of us show up at 9pm EST in the substance abuse chat room and discuss living a quality life in Sobriety and also catch up on how our trans issues are interwoven into it. Your welcome to join us if you like. No anxiety needed. It is chatroom stuff, no video, no audio. You would probably want to stop in earlier and get registered. It is a safe place like here and all new members have a brief interview to insure they're intentions are honorable.

Best Wishes

Michelle

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Welcome Charles Hope you can make it to the meeting Sun. Michelle is our gentle mistress of ceremonies. We try to find ways to help each other to be sober but also come as our real selves with trans issues. I am still fairly new at it myself and its a frightening and fufiling process. My life is getting better, one day at a time.

hugs rita

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Hi Charles,

Great name but i've been giving it up. i'm on an overnight trip from home and just went to the first of 3 AA meetings i'll go to in this strange town. Got phone #'s and welcomes as well as peace at the first. Looking forward to the others. 5 years ago i would be wasted by now! really wasted but working on enough to pass out. That used to be how i went to "sleep". It's now life beyond my wildest dreams. I'm having fun sober and clean..... Used to think i was having fun but i knew in my heart that it was because i couldn't quit. AA has worked for me and countless others and will work for you if you want it and work it. Hope to see you here on Sunday. Found this group a few months ago and love it.

Hugs and welcome, Charlie (once chuck or charles)

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