???

[Guest chibixal]

Here is my point of view (the other thread with the same title and topic description is from John. I am the fiance he was talking about, my name is Aneisha)

He has been hiding the fantasy/desire to become transgendered for a very long time. I found out by accident, and I'm the only one who knows. I told him I supported him, that he should do it because I know he is unhappy with who he is. Although I dont understand completely why he wants to do this (and probably never will) I think that if it makes him happy then he should do it because I love him and I want him to be happy. I'm not disgusted or maddened by what he wants to do and I know it is a real condition that is quite normal for a small percentage of people to go through. He is scared that I will leave him because of this, but thats not quite the case. I support him in doing it, I will not leave him, and I will still marry him, I love him, but the only thing that I think will happen is that I will not be sexually attracted to him anymore. I really cant help it but I want to be with a male, a full male. I would feel terribly awkward and uncomfortable in bed with him if he changes. After explaining this to him he immediately decided to give up on transgendering himself because he doesn't want me to stop being sexually attracted to him. He is afraid I will find someone else to be intimate with or just leave him completely. I have told him I would not do that but he must not believe me. I have also started to have my own feelings, like I'm not good enough for him. He is the most amazing guy I have ever been with, he deserves the best. I feel horrible for not being able to feel sexually attracted to him as a transgender. Is it true that if you really love someone with all your heart, then you will love them no matter what they look like? I feel like maybe there is someone out there that could do a better job then I can do, someone who can treat him right, love him and be sexually attracted to him as a trangender. Maybe I am not the right girl for him? It hurts me to think that I might not be, I would be heartbroken if I were to loose him but if he could be happier with someone who can love him better then me then I would gladly let him go so he could be truly happy. I also feel like he is changing who he is and who he wants to be just because of me. I never wanted to change him at all, and it makes me feel like I'm being selfish because he is giving this up because of me. He thinks he can find a therapist to talk to and they can help him stop wanting to be transgendered. I don't think there is going to be some doctor out there that can just prescribe him some medication to stop it nor will he be able to talk to him and all his desires will go away, because he told me him self it is way more then just being unhappy with what he looks like, its not going to just go away by talking about it. I don't know if he will ever lose the desire to be transgendered. I don't know what to do. I dont know how else to feel about this. I need someone to talk to me and talk me what they think. I'm very scared. I feel like im doing everything wrong. When I told him how I felt it seemed like he became cross with me. I feel so guilty. Help me please.

[Guest Evan_J]

Big hug to you. I just answered on the other thread actually. Wow. You are a phenomenal woman first of all. Most guys (and not a few women either lol) would run over broken glass for one like you so its easy to see why your fiance is sooo afraid of losing you. It's "awful" because actually you are saying you love your fiance anyway and even want to be with them to the point of marrying. Its just the sex thats an issue. And that is hard because you only want the person you love to make love with someone -even your own self- because they want to.

I don't know how to advise you two So much love between you makes it that much more difficult. In a way you really are good together

And yet each will feel they've cheated the other.

How about counseling for you both separately (because you too have a lot to vent, understand, question) and then maybe some together?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Aneisha:

You ARE truly remarkable!! I don't have advice for you as this is a catch 22 situation and its only to be worked by you two. But, your attitude about this is awe inspiring!

Best wishes!

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Aneisha,

I feel that you are a most amazing lady. I hope that you two will be able to work something out because you love her (something that you will have to get used to) enough to get married and allow her to transition and she is willing to try to not transition in order to keep you. This is sort of a 'Gift of the Maggi" (pardon the spelling) situation - you are both willing to make huge sacrifices, so much so that you are sacrificing everything that has true meaning to you. I was lucky enough to find a gender therapist who also did couples counciling - I was not fortunate enough to have a wife who cared enough to attend. Take a little advice from a very old virgin (I had a hard time with the concept of having sex with a woman or a man, being mentally one and physically the other - it's very confusing) if sexual attraction is all that you have - don't bother getting married. I don't say that lightly - marriage should be based on much deeper things than just physical attraction. I believe that you already know this, you want her to be happy and she wants you to be happy - that is a great start. You are afraid that you might not be sexually attracted to her - that is a fear of something that can't be known at this time, you have never been with a woman like her - the woman who posseses all of the attributes that you found so appealing in John. You are both afraid that you won't be able to satisfy the other in one small part of a marriage, look at the larger picture - do you want to spend the reat of your life without your soulmate - do you want her to not transition and spend the rest of her life in inner conflict. I think that you know that you want her to be happy and she wants you to be happy - think about a this. Transition doesn't happen over night it takes time. She needs to start her counciling and most councilors will invite you to come along to some of the sessions to learn and try to understand her - your true love might just be deeper than a need for sex.

That's about all I can suggest, I think that you should both discuss this and try to stay together - you are a remarkable lady.

Best of luck, love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

The previous posts say that much - you are an exceptional person!

I am MTF transsexual myself, and in transition. I know your pain because my wife is going through it now. I don't have any good answers for you, only some observations. It seems the whole process of transsexuallity is somehow geared to shatter the happiness of the people we love best, but it always opens new doors as it closes the old.

First the bad news:

I am sorry to tell you if your fiance' is TRUELY transgender (I will use that less frightening term) there is no 'magic pill" that (I will use the wrong pronoun as it is less threatning)... that 'he" can take.

If he is truely transgender he will never be able to reverse his need to be... well... female in body as well in mind. He may not take the steps to fully transition, but he will eventually take steps for some of the way. He has to - he cannot help it. You letter seems to say he wants to fully transition.

When he transitions, he will not be he, but will be she. Actually that has already occured. It probably occured whe she was born.

Having children together is no longer an option after transition all the way - but also after just the hormone treatments

Finally, transitioning is terribly expensive emotionally as it can cost that transgender person her loved ones, her friends, her job and even... well... you!

Good news:

Your fiance' simply CANNOT help what he is - and is not trying to make a fool out of you

Your fiance' will be happy - probably for the first time in 'his' life.

Being a woman is not that terrible, you are one - you know that.

Loving a person - regardless of body gender - is very common these days - the young people today are much more open to that

People can adopt children - transgender people can bank sperm prior to transitioning

Hard choices ahead... I am sorry to say. Love is the key, but love can also mean letting go. I hope my wife stays.

And remember you fell in love with your fiance' as 'he' is - you have just found out that person is just a bit more complicated than you thought.

You MUST seek some help on this - if you haven't - a good gender dysphoria trained therapist.

Just some opinions - hope something in all that helps you.