(help) Telling Your Parents Your Bi And Wanna Be A Girl?

[Guest chibi_usa]

Lol. What the title said. My parents are like REALLY REALLY Homophobic O_O.... They're all like.... Gays can go 2 hell when they saw the prop 8 thing... Ya... They're scary >_> And i wanted them 2 like accept me 4 who I really am cuz like I've been acting, as hard as I can, as guy and now I'm getting really tired of faking who I am. T_T

[Sally]

That is not going to be easy. I am not sure with a homophobic family if telling them that you are bi or transsexual is better. I would say that you do need to let them know, but I think that I wouldn't just yet. They are having there homophobea reinforced by all of the media attention on the proposition 8. Let that cool down for a while first - timing is very important when delivering news that you know someone doesn't want to hear. You appear to be fairly young, so you have time to wait for things to cool down or even until you are old enough to move to your own apartment. I never told anyone until I was 57 - I lost my wife and her family (praise the Lord) but my family is with me, not thrilled as you might well imagine, but they love me and will go along with whatever I decide.

Don't be in too big of a hurry, you can soften them up by 'finding' interesting facts, like the AMA and the APA now recognize that transgederism is a medical condition not a mental disorder. Just little tid-bitd from the news on the Internet (not too often - daily and you wouldn't even have to tell them). Drop them in when they are discussing 'gays and the like'.

That's about the best advice I can give, I hope it helps,

Sally

[Guest lauren33]

That sucks that you have narrow minded parents. Telling them will be tuff for sure. The only thing I would suggest is to have a back up plan.If they totaly freak out you have to know what you are going to do about it. Just be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Myself, I was prepared for the worst and actually expected it but, somehow it worked out for me. Next time your parents make a homophobic comment try asking why they have such a negative attitude about it. most if not all of the homophobic people I have met have never met a gay person so really they have no grounds to be that way.

It amazes me how some parents can teach a child biggotry and outright discrimination and say that not everyone is equal. Why not let the child decide what they think is ok and not ok. Obviously some things are wrong, but every person has the capacity to know wich is wich. A good parent should teach there kids to be open minded. It makes the world a better place for everyone. And who knows that "HOMO" or "FREAK" that they bash could end up running the country one day.

[Guest Abbie]

It amazes me how some parents can teach a child biggotry and outright discrimination and say that not everyone is equal. Why not let the child decide what they think is ok and not ok. Obviously some things are wrong, but every person has the capacity to know wich is wich. A good parent should teach there kids to be open minded. It makes the world a better place for everyone. And who knows that "HOMO" or "FREAK" that they bash could end up running the country one day.

I think it has something to do with the parents believe they can shape or at last influence the child's personality. Sometimes it works but when they hear that a child is Gay or Transgender they go nuts because they believed the child had 'changed' in some way.

Anyway good luck chibi...

[Guest julia_d]

You sound very young.. I would advise extreme caution if you are relying on them for housing and income. Also chose who you trust carefully. Can you trust therapists or friends not to let anything slip? Do your parents still have the right to demand to know things from school or doctors?

Before saying anything you need somewhere safe you can run to if things go horribly wrong, be that a sympathetic relative, friends or whatever. My family were very much as you describe yours.. On my 16th birthday I walked out never to return and I only had the guts to face them when I was 25 as an adult and independent in every way. Even after all that time it was bad, but by then I didn't need them or care what they thought.

You need to be prepared for the worst, so first think about what you would do if they were to banish you out of the door. Money, housing, safety.. Be prepared if necessary to use the full extent of the hate crimes laws against them if needed, just like if they were strangers.

Above all be careful.. I'm pretty sure that if I had told my parents my thoughts and feelings, and about my determination to be opposite to what they had planned for me when I was 13 or 14 I wouldn't be here today.

That's bleak, I'm thinking practicalities.... be safe.

Paula

[Guest Kurai]

Hey there Chibi.

First of all i'll wish you good luck, that is all i can do and hope for my words to give you courage.

You see, my mother isn't homophobic, but she is kind of old fashion. The black and white concept, no Grey. Same with sexuality. I am bi, and when i told her, she couldn't really believe it, or didn't want to believe it. I could either be, hetero, or lesbian. But it seems i got through with her, for being bisexual after a few months.

Then, after a good amount of months, to let the first shock sink in. I asked her to sit with me, i had to tell her something. So i told her, i wanted to be a boy. Now that, she really, really didn't want to believe.

And now, about 6 months after, when my first appointment coming up with the transgender team, she still doesn't believe it.

But keep in mind, it is not your job, to convince them. I know i am, and if you know you are, it should be enough. Make sure you know, that this is what you want, and that it is who you are.

So once again, i hope my experience helped you, and that my words may give you strength and such.

Good luck!

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hi Chibi_usa,

I know that some people when given time will come around. In my case my mother never did so I waited till I left home and just did it without her knowing, of if she did then she would never admit to it and not want it ever brought. Anyway, I tried a few years later to test the waters with her receptivity, and it is a no go.

That's ok. At this time when I look back on it I think that some of the years I regreted that we never discussed the real me, but as I look at it now I see I made the right choice. Not waiting for her apporval, I made it this far and I was able to still move ahead with what was fullfilling to me.

I know that it is quite a loss not to have your parents or family involved in what makes you you, but in the end when you decide to take your life by the horns, then you will be happy you still moved ahead.

It is your life and you need to move in a direction that makes you happy and fullfiled. Other people that don't accept what or who you really are don't live in your skin, so they really don't have any room to stifle your life.

Make sense?

Amanda LR

[Guest HaydenJeffery]

And you think you're the only one with a homophobic or transphobic family? I have a religious family in my house and i cannot run away from it either. My dad understands the "gay" part of me but I don't see him accepting the transgender part. scary shiny things. Many parents like mine or families like mine have a very hard time understanding. chibi, i believe in you... mind if i call you girl? I would support you if you were my son/daughter... that's the way i'm going. if we go to hell, then that's everyone else's problem. sorry, but that's my belief.

P.S. This is Hayday, whom had logging in problems for a while and now I resurrected from the dead. YAY FOR ME! I like me. Sorry... Random rant. >.<

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

You sound very young.. I would advise extreme caution if you are relying on them for housing and income. Also chose who you trust carefully. Can you trust therapists or friends not to let anything slip? Do your parents still have the right to demand to know things from school or doctors?

Before saying anything you need somewhere safe you can run to if things go horribly wrong, be that a sympathetic relative, friends or whatever. My family were very much as you describe yours.. On my 16th birthday I walked out never to return and I only had the guts to face them when I was 25 as an adult and independent in every way. Even after all that time it was bad, but by then I didn't need them or care what they thought.

You need to be prepared for the worst, so first think about what you would do if they were to banish you out of the door. Money, housing, safety.. Be prepared if necessary to use the full extent of the hate crimes laws against them if needed, just like if they were strangers.

Above all be careful.. I'm pretty sure that if I had told my parents my thoughts and feelings, and about my determination to be opposite to what they had planned for me when I was 13 or 14 I wouldn't be here today.

That's bleak, I'm thinking practicalities.... be safe.

Paula

I agree that is important to be careful who you trust but it may also seem like a psychological necessity to tell at least one person (it doesn't have to be a family member). While telling a select number of your most trusted friends may not provide you with an ideal discussion group it will help you to cope knowing that some people truly know and accept you. I picked out a few of my friends to reveal myself to and their accepting reactions made me feel better. My friends would never be able to provide me with the same support I get here but it relieved some of my anxiety to know that I had some friends that I could trust. Be very careful who you come out to but also consider the benefits of opening up to those you can trust.

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

I'm a big fan of moving out before you tell the parents when you know they will be unsupportive. Gain another support group of some kind, some stability and independence. Then tell them. After you tell them, say you won't take abuse, but you understand this takes time to digest and that they can contact you when they are ready to accept and support you.

I would not them when they have a large amount of control over your life as that could wind up being a very bad situation.

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

I'm a big fan of moving out before you tell the parents when you know they will be unsupportive. Gain another support group of some kind, some stability and independence. Then tell them. After you tell them, say you won't take abuse, but you understand this takes time to digest and that they can contact you when they are ready to accept and support you.

I would not them when they have a large amount of control over your life as that could wind up being a very bad situation.

I agree. It can be very dangerous telling your parents when you're dependent on them for the necessities of life and there are numerous negative outcomes. They may not abuse you, they may not abandon you but they could easily be unsupportive. Your parents could pretend to accept you but create a very negative and disturbing energy within the house. They may never talk to you about it and just resent you and there may be an awkward silence in the house until you leave the nest. There are many possible outcomes and it may not be worth the gamble.

[Guest Orva26]

Telling Your Parents Your Bi And Wanna Be A Girl?

HUG!

Such a quandary! I've tried to address it in the past. I'll have to tell my parents eventually but I've discovered I'm not really bi. Dunno if there is a term for it but if I find a person attractive it doesn't matter to me really where they are in the gender spectrum, male, female, in between, etc... but that is another topic altogether.

I'm here to share my relative un-success in trying to tell my dad what was going on with me. You know how some therapist use the term life coach? Well that's basically what my dad is to me so I thought I needed to tell him before involving other people. I did, but oh was I un-prepared! I wasn't even 100% confident in what I was, still am not really, or how to bring it up, or how to sooth his concern or pretty much ANYTHING. But my failure has brought me great knowledge.

There are a few things about parents, regardless of their stance on GLBT things. Firstly, they do care for you but they also have made plans about your future and the idea of that future involving gender transition is something they have probably not considered. Bringing it up will put them off guard especially since as you put it, you have been pretending. They just won't be able to see it.

That brings me to my second point, they just won't be able to understand it. And even if they were accepting of GLBT issues as mine seem to be, though begrudgingly so they probably won't understand. I've seen it typed here, the phase, "Acceptance isn't understanding". Because of that they will have a set of fears associated with the knowledge. One of the big ones my father mentioned is a feeling that I'd be "throwing my life away" based on the incorrect knowledge that all transgendered people are marginalized into second class citizenship. We all know that is wrong, but they (parents) have no clue. A lot of people will find your condition as a black box because it has to do with gender identity not sexuality. Regardless of acceptance people can conceptualize gayness even if they are not so but gender is something much more difficult.

That is the reality of the situation as I have come to understand it from my one, rather pathetic attempt. It seems harsh and might have you despaired but now I'll give you my feelings on how to deal with it, the tiny smidgen of knowledge I gained from my folly.

1) Coming out is just as much about them as it is you!

What I mean by this is you need to address their concerns and worries just as much as you voice yours. Its sort of a balancing act if you will. We'd like to think that we can come out to our parents and they might be a little startled at first but then, BAM they're shoulders to cry on. Doesn't work like that, they might actually need your shoulder to cry on, they might disown you and cause hurt, they might surprise you and be accepting. I found that although we want to be able to gauge them and might think we can know a reaction this is the type of news that makes it so you cannot know any of that, which brings me to...

2) BE PREPARED! Not just prepared like, over prepared, basically so freaking prepared you put the boy-scouts who's motto is "Be Prepared!" to shame!

I way, WAY, WAY, WAY (I think you get the idea ) jumped the gun in telling my father. I actually had to completely undo it by playing on the logic that I'm just so romance starved that I'm projecting that onto myself. Even had myself embrace that thought for a day but then BAM! Back came all the confusion and I knew I was wrong in that thought. I know now that when I bring it up again, which won't be until I have at least seen a therapist for a month so I have a good idea of what my deal really is, I'll have to be ready to confidently and unwaveringly answer any and all questions that they will ask me. And I will have to be able to supply them with impartial complimentary information, books, website, support group for parents of trangendered, etc. in order for them to get up to speed on what I know.

Because a lot of people don't understand transgenderism there will be questions like, "So you are an exotic type of gay?" and other hurtful accusations/questions/misunderstanding. Being able to handle that will be needed in coming out. We have gender issues, not sexual issues but to a lot of people those are still the same thing so you need to be able to illustrate that they are not and if you personally cannot do it information you point them to should. If you wish to explain the sexual side of your concerns that is up to you but it is my feeling that we should....

3) Do one thing at a time.

As in if you want to come out as bisexual first, don't bring up gender and if you want to come out as transgendered first don't bring up sexuality. Either of those issues is enough for them to swallow at once. Luckily for me the reception to my "I don't know if I want to be a guy" went bad enough to dissuade me from mentioning the "Hey I think I'm bisexual" part. If they want to talk about sexuality you might have to tell them but if you can avoid it and force their focus onto gender I think it will be advantageous.

4) Educate them!!!!!!

Don't hurt me, there's no lead in for this one. I've kind of touched on this in point two but I know when I really do open up to my parents I will need to bring all kinds and manner of supplementary information for them. Websites, potential support groups, my therapist information, pamphlets, books, articles, baked goods (well that's really more to cheer them up but you get the picture). Bring information that explains the ideas of gender fluidity, the separation of sexuality and gender, and for parents the big super important MEGA sparkly one, highlights transgender success and illustrates the falsity in the disgusting assumption that you'll have to resort to illicit activities to support yourself. Stuff like what's up here.

Phew *wipes forehead* LONG POST IS LOOOONNNNNGGGGG! And that probably is because of how serious my failure has gotten me about the topic of coming out to parents in general. What made it hurt doubly was that I decided to do it mere weeks before I would move out anyway. I'm actually gone tomorrow. In retrospect I should have just sucked it up until I was gone and had already been seeing a therapist. If that isn't an option for you, if you can't wait or if you need to tell them in order to get treatment I hope it goes well for you and that you found some use/help in this crazy post of mine.

Luck and success,

-Orva