Hi everyone :)

[Guest Jade T]

Hi everyone, I am a new member of this forum, but have been a lurker for years. I never had the courage to accept myself for who I was and was constantly trying to make the thoughts and feelings go away. It led to constant thoughts of suicide and hopelessness. It wasn't until earlier this year that I finally made a decision to try to change my outlook and accept myself. My depression and social isolation had pretty much cost me my career, friends, and motivation. I figured what else did I have to lose?

From the beginning, I have thought of myself as a female since I was a child; calling myself my older brother's little sister. Much to my parents chagrin, I loved playing with dolls. Spending my time with girls was more natural to me then with boys.

It wasn't until Kindergarten did my mother put a "stop" to it. I assume she thought it was just a passing stage/phase of mine and punished me severely enough that I "learned" to stop exhibiting those behaviors. I still snuck in my mother's clothes closet and tried things on; I just had to be a secret squirrel about it.

However, as I grew older, I was increasingly confused and upset about these feelings and did my best to make them go away. I performed all the "manly" jobs and activities. I adopted a dominant personality to "fit" my gender role. All that accomplished was that it kept me depressed and angry the majority of my life. It was so heartbreaking for me to sit through all the psychological exams I have been through and lying to the psychologist and myself about my major depression. If I was discovered that I am transgender, my career would of been over and I would of been ridiculed and mocked by my peers, subordinates, and superiors alike.

Fast forward to present times. I recently came out to myself and stopped living in denial. I very recently started on HRT. I unfortunately haven't seen a gender therapist or doctor for prescriptions; I am self-medicating. So far during this amazing journey, I have never felt happier, more content and at peace then I ever felt.

Sorry for the novel, and thank you for reading it. If there is anything else you want to know about me, feel free to ask .

[Guest Robin Winter]

I'm pleased that you've finally decided to say hello

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Jade,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Jade T]

Thanks for the welcome. I will definitely have to stop by the chat room sometime and say hi to everyone =)

Jade

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Hi Jade, it's good to meet you. It's wonderful to hear that you're finally able to accept yourself and begin transitioning. Please be careful with those hormones though and consider getting them properly prescribed coz we've heard some terrible stories of people (not just horror stories floating around the net but real cases that we have known, including even this sites founder) who've had their health damaged or even lost their life altogether from self prescribed hormones that they didn't know were at the wrong level for their own personal body's functioning at that time. You deserve a long and healthy life as the woman you were always meant to be not a crippled life as a suffering and disabled person who may not be too ill to even finish transitioning let alone go about their life in the the body they should have.

(I don't mean to lecture, I'm sorry. I just worry when I hear of people self medicating)

I'm glad you've decided to stop lurking and introduce yourself to us and I hope you'll find as you post more, the support, friendship and affirmation that many of us find here.

Gabe

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Jade welcome To Laura's

It's gd to hear that you are happy but I tell u , you could be happier with better results if it's done professionally . It's easy to start go to ur dr for a referral letter to a therapist who specializes in this area thy then will refer u to a specialist that will monitor ur journey . You want the best results ????? That's the way to go . So many things can go wrong like Gabe said . Please look after yourself .

[Guest Talon]

Welcome and nice to meet you! Hope you'll like it here. It is awesome that you're finding yourself and becoming who you know you are. Yeah, be careful with the meds ok?

[Guest Jade T]

Thank you for all the replies and concern for my health and well-being. I definitely plan on going to see a doctor to get them prescribed. I guess that is my next big step. I plan to go to the VA doctors and have them do the monitoring (mental and health) as well as for the prescription. For my own philosphical and personal reasons, I was reluctant to go through the VA for any assistance. But after thinking about it, I decided it will be safer and easier on the pockets to use the resource since I have it available.

Hugs,

Jade

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm glad Jade. That's a relief to hear. I want you to be safe and healthy in your transition.

Gabe

[Guest Caroline Anne]

Hey Jade, welcome! There are quite a few people here that can help you with the VA process, you can pm me if you want. I am still in the National Guard and can identify with your feelings.

[Guest -Naomi-]

Welcome,

It's good to hear you are doing what you can to move forward. I know what it feels like to be desperate and want things to be happening sooner then later. Self medicating can be dangerous because of all the types of medicines out there. Speaking with a specialist can help answer a lot of questions and guide you in the right direction.

I'm glad to see another member from FL hehe, take care.

[Guest Jade T]

Thanks for all your concern and advice regarding my health . As soon as I figure out the relationship status I am in or lack of one I will register with the VA for the check-ups and prescription. I am putting that on the back burner right now because if I get in another relationship, I possibly will have to move again and I prefer not to deal with more paperwork if I don't have to.

Another reason I have held back is if I am not in a relationship where I can be full time, I will have to decide to hold off on my transition (getting prescriptions, check-ups, etc.) so I can gain employment and support myself. Its a tough situation I am in. If I want to live my life the way I want to, I need support from someone financially and emotionally. If I want to be able financially support myself, I cannot be living my life as the way I want to which leads to depression and sadness. Its a hard road we walk at times.

If it comes to it though, I guess I will have to hold off on prescriptions, hormones, and all until I am in a better spot to be able to transition... ugg it gets so frustrating at times! But at least I am happy that I finally am able to accept myself for who I am. I wish I could of done this earlier. But better late than never!

[Bulldog1948]

Jade, Welcome to Laura's. If you need some help with the VA process, just whistle for Donna Jean [ Dee Jay]. She will be able to assist you.

Mike

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Jade. It's wonderful that you have accepted who you really are. I had a similar experience. I wish you the best as you transition.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Jade and thanks for the introduction and explanation. It's possible to do both, begin transition and present at work for awhile as male. Living and dressing in private as the true woman you are. It helps to quell some of the pain of dysphoria. While helping to make ends meet and live. It's a difficult dance that many of us are forced to make for awhile. As to the VA, they are the largest healthcare system in the U.S. and all of their records are electronic making it easier for other VA doctors to access your records instantly. As a former member of the Army, the transition out of the military is probably also adding to issues in your life. It takes a long time to get the military way out of your system. Even years later I would find myself using military slang and terminology. I don't know if school is an option you are exploring or not, but considering the present economy we live in, its an option worth considering. I obtained an Associate and two Bachelors degrees as a result of my GI Bill benefits. When considering employment or school, many of the members on this site have indicated whether their career choices made it easier or harder to transition to living full time as a woman. And colleges and universities are a much more liberal and tolerant environment to transition into. College campuses usually have an active LGBT group that can help with understanding what is available to help with transition. Here in Columbia, Mo both the VA Hospital and the University Hospital have sharing agreements and collaborate on many healthcare treatments. Having a VA Hospital nearby school helps to make obtaining treatment easier. We have a work study student who got out of the Air Force last year, she's a nursing student and probably uses the VA for her HealthCare needs along with student health insurance. Our Department of Family Medicine staffs an Urgent care clinic for the students on campus and it is in walking distance to all of the dormitories. Other campuses of major Universities probably have similar arrangements.. We had a work study student we hired who was into piercings, yet we hired him and he stayed with us for three years. I wrote him a letter of recommendation to get into law school and I don't believe I heard even one negative comment on all the jewelry he wore. It was just the way he was and he was a really decent young man. So good luck Jade on finding answers. I know what I went through when I transitioned out of the Army. There is some culture shock there for awhile. Don't give up on your desires and dreams Jade. You've faced far harder situations in the military successfully. You are a strong woman with a bright future ahead of you. Kathryn PM me if you need to talk or just to vent. I'm a good listener

[Guest Jade T]

Hi Kathryn,

I see your point in what you mean about working as a male. While I don't relish the though of ever dressing as male again (it makes me sick thinking about it lol), making ends meet is still definitely something I cannot forgo . I definitely know what you mean about the military, I have been out of Active Duty for a few years now and just recently left the Reserves as well. I still use military jargon and am trying to get rid of my prejudices and anger towards civilians and civilian life. Transitioning is definitely helping me get rid of that anger though.

For me right now, my career choices have definitely made it harder for me to transition to civilian employment. The only thing transferable from my line of work is law enforcement, teaching, supervisory, and management roles. Without any specialization in anything but military specific skills, it would be doubtful I would be hired to teach or supervise people in civilian job skills. However, I have been eyeing the FLET-C (Federal Law Enforcement Training Center) because there are quite a few roles that I would have the background and knowledge to easily teach. I don't know the policy regarding transgendered employment there. Nor do I know if they would be comfortable with having a woman teach (from what i have encountered) all male instructing positions. But I guess it is definitely worth a shot to check out. For the most part though, I have pretty much come to the acceptance and realization that I will basically have to start from scratch. I am now eyeing going to college for a degree in Marine Biology (I love coral reefs!) or some type of science. Its never too late to learn something new and I have a pretty good understanding on the coral reefs from all the reading I have done and all the reef tanks I have up and running lol

Thank you for all your advice Kathryn, and thank you for your offer for venting =). I may just have to take you up on that offer one day hehe.

Best wishes,

Jade