Hello, Not Even Sure Where To Start Or Even Why

[Guest Black_Rose]

My name, well it is not even important so lets stick to Black Rose, um I am not really sure how to start but I guess I'll start from the beginning.

First seems like you all have a great little community here, I belong to a few forums and as much as they all have the same feel this one is much different.

Second I am a woman, married, got kids and about 2 months ago, while doing what I always do with my husband have fun, talk have a few drinks to relax after a long day he says "I have a secret" now he wanted to wait for us to be done with the day and all that jazz but I said "no, tell me now, come on " and he did he told me "when I was younger I used to dress in woman's clothing and I like it and I would like to do it again."

backing up to how this actually came up, it was going to be Halloween and my brother said "hey lets all dressed up" I picked one of my heroes to be who is a male and my bro said "I will go as your girl and so can your hubby" well hubby was all in to it but I noticed nothing strange since we knew we had to dress up for that day I figured it was all research.

Long story short he tells me, what are the first things that come out of my mouth? "I love you no matter who you are, I love you for you and that is all that matters" well it's true I do love him, he is my world, my life, he is my prince, my hero. He rescued me from an abusive relationship, made me see that I was worth something and believes I am the most beautiful woman that walks on this earth (I think he may be insane but that is another issue lol) anyway the event happened and she looked great! ( I used she, see I read the thing where it said well you know)

We had a great time, she got compliments from strangers! "honey you are gorgeous! absolutely stunning!" I had to say thank you cause her voice isn't well she has a very deep voice. All well, life pretty much the same and then it sank in, my husband likes being a woman.

Now I didn't' know who's happiness is more important, his or mine, hers or mine. For a while I said nothing, but I did cry a lot, in the shower mostly, when he asked me what was wrong I would lie and say "oh shampoo got in my eye" and stuff like that. After not knowing what to do I decided to go anonymous to my regular support board and people were very kind and this is how I found this place, a member there said "here go here"

I have read but did not register and well here I am. Backing up a min, after not speaking to anyone and trying to be the brave one, I finally had to speak to someone, and I did, I spoke to my biological mother who is also a very important part of my life and you know what she said?" of course not you don't know her, anyway she said " that's it? this is why you have been acting strange? honey that is nothing! you love him, he loves you and that is the important part. It can be worst!" I looked at her and said "yes, yes it can!" then she went on about "so what's her name?" I said "we, she hasn't picked one" then she said "Uhhh can I pick it?" I was still shocked I was talking to my mother about this and her reaction and just love coming out of her soul that I felt better! anyway she ended up picking her name lol

I told my husband and he was happy and sad, but it gets sad again cause I spoke to a friend of mine, and she was also very accepting and wants the best for us and as long as I am happy then she's happy, and here is the deal, he did not want anyone to know, I know I was wrong to speak about it but Gosh darned it is it fair? here I am a person who has had a hell of a life, thought "finally I am getting a normal life" and bam! out of no place my husband comes and tells me this and I have to keep it inside?

Some may not understand, some may say "shame on you!' but you have to understand we have been together for a long time and not once has he ever even hinted this and I love him, I respect him and I want him to be happy as a he and a she but this is new to me and at times I felt like I was in a bad dream. He's upset with me because I told, he says he understands why I did it but upset.

I don't know what to do, I'm kind of in limbo right now. I love my husband, I want him to be happy, I have only been exposed to this recently and Gosh darned did I just write a Gosh darned novel? I'm sorry.

anyway can I stay? can I join this community and learn, have advice and so on?

Sincerely,

Black Rose

[Guest CharliTo]

yup...we are here for the significant others of transgendered individuals also.

And you know, people who are the loved ones definitely need to talk about it too.

I know my mom blurted it to few people because she couldn't hold it all to herself...it was too painful. To me, it hurt a bit that she would say a secret to someone, but in the end I understood why she had to. I really hope your significant other feels the same too.

As far as "things could be worse!" goes, my friend was sooooo relieved when "all it was, was that I am transgendered," cuz well, she said that "I mean, I thought you were about to tell me you buried a body in the forest or something."

so yeah...i hope you can find an optimistic view. It is truely a unique experience so I hope you can make the best out of this relationship. Your SO is very very lucky for having a SO who's definitely making efforts to get over this tough trial in the relationship Accepting the fact that oneself is transgendered is really really hard to do it...and just having another person to get support from is such a great thing.

Anyways, welcome to the forums and hope you can cope with your situation *hug*

[Guest Evan_J]

Awww, you have a lot you've been going through and are going through -huge hug to you- and of course you can stay You didn't really think we'd read all that, understand it, and then say "get the heck out" did you? Just as Charlene said, this place is for family, significant others, and spouses too (and parents of trans people too if you know any who need a place to sort it out/vent!)

We have a hard time, but gosh I hear the s/o/spouses stories and you all have a hard time too You're lucky in a lot of ways though in your particular case, you're pretty sure that the love both you and your spouse have for one another supercedes any matters of gender. Thats a HUGE reassurance to you both. Even couple who (cuz I've read/ heard of in rl these too) for whatever reason concludes they need to not be married gain huge reassurance and stability in knowing that yes they each still love each other as people and want to still be in each others lives just as different roles than they were.

I know your spouse is hurt about the news getting shared. First cuz they just didn't think you'd tell without talking to them (that whole "but I thought I was your best friend and you told my secret" thing) and (you might not have thought of this one....) cuz maybe they're still embarassed about that fact. Even when it "makes us happy" to be that other sex, we are usually very embarassed about it to other people for a while. Its just how society's trained people to act/feel about this kind of thing. The same person who can tell you they're dang near suicidal they want to live in that other body so much can a lot of times simultaneously say "I'm ashamed for anyone to know it". Thats where the whole self acceptance thing comes in. And not just for your spouse. It sounds like you're having a heck of a round with all the acceptance issues yourself. AND THATS NORMAL. I would sound crazy to say "okay, so whats the problem? just roll with it" Your entire life has changed. You're wondering whats gonna happen. You just found out every thing that you thought "was" "wasn't". You might even be questioning "who you're living with". Again, not abnormal. Very NORMAL in this situation. I haven't heard of a s/o or spouse yet who didn't express those things. From confusion, to hearbreak feeling they're "losing" the first spouse, to being peed off cuz they feel like that spouse is "taking" the original them away from them, to grief, and even "feeling like they live with someone they don't know". That being the case, I hope that when your spouse can understand all that you might've been feeling they can forgive the need to tell/talk it out/ask for help from somebody.

And your mom sound cool as all heck btw. Its not every parent who can actually feel like their kid-in-law is their kid too. It's what's actually supposed to happen when people marry but few parent-in-laws rise to the occaseion. Sounds as if yours has. That's why she wanted to name her Most trans peeps who's parents want to be included in the whole transition thing's parents want to be in on the new name Mine did. And I sorta feel like I bummed her out about it cuz I already had one and reeeally reaaally liked it. Ah well, at least we talked about other things I liked.

I know you need to do things when the time is ready for you but I hope there'll be a day when you don't need to hide your tears in the shower and can share em (cuz there might be lot of sharing tears both ways in the future) with the person you love most and share a life with and are best friends with. It takes time. Give yourself and them that. And remember you are a team.

Good luck.

[Guest Dutchie]

Welcome Black Rose!

How can we send you away?? That would be totally unfair and crazy! As everyone above me said, this place is also for the significant others.

I can't speak for someone else, but I do appreciate it that you did share your experience and feelings!

I can only imagine the Richter scale of the earthquake you felt. You handled the situation better than most and you did the right thing in trying to learn more about it.

Ask anything you want, share anything you want, don't feel forced, we're a friendly bunch.

Dutchie

[Guest Black_Rose]

:sigh of relief!!:

THANK YOU!!!

First mom said to me "he is my son and I love him, besides if he can't even express himself at home then where?" she does rock I tell you, very lucky to have her.

He did read the thread last night and he was apologizing I told him "for what? you did nothing wrong" he feels like he's ruining my life but he's not. I told him to give me time, and I believe I have been pretty supportive even if I have not understood it but in a way I do. When I was growing up I thought "ah! why am I a girl? why can't I be a man?!" but with time I realized it was not that I "wanted" to be a man I just didn't feel women were held equals but I changed that I do like being a woman, not the physical having a monthly and pregnancy and birth part of it cause Gosh darned it hurts! but the rest heck yeah! lol

Now I know the people I have told will not speak because we have each other to speak to and the otehr day finally mom, him and I spoke and she told him "honey, I love you, you love my daughter and she loves you, you have a beautiful family together and I am here for you, I support you 100%" he got all red and smiled, they hugged and it made me so happy. He did accept the name she gave her, Camila, isn't it beautiful? i like it, he likes it and mom is all giddy about finally being able to use Camila lol

I still have days I feel a bit strange, and going in to it deeper, when it comes to making love to Camila, I am still not 100% comfortable, does this take time or is it that I may never be 100% comfortable with it? I dunno, I just find it hard to, ok it feels like cheating! strange I know, oh crap sharing wtmi but I'm guessing you all are used to this. I tried searching and so on but it's never the same with others, everyone has their own unique thing so this is why I finally decided to share.

Camila would like to join the community but we have the same IP add so she can't, can't do it from work but I think speaking to you all would help a ton. I hate that my hubby is feeling sad inside and speaks to just me, I would love to be able to help all his needs but I can't I think coming here would help a bunch.

Also we have spoken about things like surgery and so on and he doesn't want to be a full female, first if anyone gets boobs, it will be me! hey after kids mine are pretty sad lol so I am FIRST! selfish maybe but Gosh darned it they are bad! He just wants to be able to dress as a woman, he likes being both, kind of a double thing. So I am pretty sure he is just a cross dresser.

Oh my again with the novel! Anyway thank you so much, you seriously lifted a huge weight off of my chest!

[Sally]

Dear Black Rose,

I am so glad that things worked out so well with the people that you talked to - the reason that Camila didn't want the word spread was largely fear (embarrasment is a close second). My wife (on the way to Ex) was accepting, but she spoke to her family and their reaction was the one that we all fear. She decided that they were more important than me and she's gone. That didn't happen so she can relax.

On the sex part - it is all new to you right now, give it time (you said that) and you should feel more 'normal' about it. Camila is still that same person that you feel in love with and are still very much in love with - that's why you are making such efforts to understand (good luck - most of us have a hard time really understanding and we are living with the feelings). My Ex was also in an abusive first marriage and my therapist suggested that probably a great deal of the original attraction was my stronger than average (massive understatement) feminine side. He made you feel safe and special - she can too if you let her.

I hope that you and Camila (a beautiful name) can stay together and not only work through the hard times, but learn to enjoy the new dynamic in your relationship - the greatest part of this will come when Camila allows herself to open up to more people. You don't have to be so alone anymore - we are here for both of you.

After you get a few more posts you will be able to send Pms - I will be more than glad to talk to either or both of you on things that you might not want in just open forums right now - I know that Camila is a bit shy from your posts here.

Love ya both,

Sally

[Guest Black_Rose]

Wow I am really floored by the overwhelming amt of, dare I say? love here. It makes me feel so well understood!

Spoke to mom today and she said "Hello community" she's glad I found this place and she says "uhh that would be great for Camila too"

I think Camila has understood and forgiven me for speaking to someone, and I am really sorry I did but in a way I'm happy I did. I had a feeling my mom would be my support, she has always been, perhaps because she wasn't able to care for me when I was growing up and is making up for it but she is very genuine with her feelings and I am glad we have each other.

She said "no worries honey I will take this to the grave unless Camila wants me to share it" so I know she will keep it. My friend, who is well just awesome is a retired exotic dancer and very much an open minded person. So I know who I can and can not speak to, for example his parents? oh no. Camila has a very bad relationship with her parents, they are nice people in a way but very closed minded and judgmental.

Even though 4 members responded, to me that I feel comfortable enough to venture to other parts of the board Thanks.

When Camila joins, and I really hope she does, you will see how wonderful she is

Anyway I need to clean and wrestle the children, anyone want a 3 yr old who will drive you nuts? lol just kidding.

With lots of love and full of hope Black Rose

[Guest Evan_J]

I think you two will be fine. You have a reeeally good relationship by the sounds. And I actually get the "cheating" thing lol. -I've played a lot of roleplayish sex games (full drag, down to the beard) before I came to the conclusions of transitoning, especially when I was much younger and that came up. Some of the ladies I was with would wierd up a little bit and be like "I feel like I'm cheating on you". The thing is talking. Just like you're doing. Express it, tell it, let the person you're with tell you that the person you physically feel like you're being with is them.

Think of it as a two-for-one right now if that helps. But most of all don't rush it. And don't put unnecessary pressures on you.

And um....as someone who raised two stepkids with my exgirlfriend, I'ma pass on that 3 year old

[Guest Black_Rose]

Aw shucks I was really hoping someone would take him lol

Thanks Evan.

[Guest mia 1]

Well Black Rose; Kindred spirits all. My wife just found ou this past saturday<Nov.29th> And her head is in a spin. <Like You> She is improving and knows that I love her. Ditto: her previous marriage was abusive. Ditto: I was her knight in shining ....Now I am her uh! oh!: still her' her what? I know she loves me but what does she love, a gender bender,or a person who cares for her in the most tender of ways.

A person who appears as a male, but has the warm understanding and compassion of a woman.

Yes, I and Camille are both. Not just jocularity in the face of adversity, but the woman that you always needed as a companion,a friend and a lover.

Do you think it is a coincidence that so many women have found a partner with warmth and understanding after an abusive relationship? No, my lovely Black Rose. this is your reward for living in the hell that existed before you met Camille, or my partner met me, the understanding and compassiionate Mia.

Exhale and enjoy your newly discovered complete Camille.

Explain to him that you needed to talk to someone and that your own mother aproves of this gifted partner of yours.. Praise whoever there is to praise and say THANK YOU MOST POWERFUL FORCE.

[Guest CharliTo]

I take care of whole store full of annoying nerdy kids (again...I got rehired. lol)...so yeah, I'll pass on that until I get older also.

...however, I can babysit...if...um, somehow you did live in Hawaii. :3 wee...

Anyways, I hope she can get an account too It'll be nice.

[Guest Black_Rose]

Thanks Mia, you know at first it was physical attraction, then it was how Camila made me feel, safe, beautiful, happy and loved, this has never changed. We both wanted the same things and it was strange because we only dated for a few months, before well surprise our first kiddo. I fought heaven and hell! job, friends, and family to show how much I loved Camila. Lots of people did not want us together, one person who fought hard to break us apart was a person who was infatuated with Camila, but Camila does not like males and this person did a lot of damage but in the end Camila realized that it did not matter if the parents, family or anyone else was trying to break us, I was never going to stop loving him/her.

I gave space, I even left the country, never giving up hope because not only had I fallen in love but I knew that no one else would get me the way Camila did add expecting a child, and I even gave the option of being a single parent and having Camila sign over the parental rights because I felt like if so many were against it perhaps I was ruining her life and all I wanted was the best, I think Camila realized that my love was true and fought for us.

We have been together ever since and have another child together, married and happy and when I felt a bit :OMG! is this really happening?: I sat in the shower one day and began to remember all of the things I just told you, how deep and powerful of a love we have for each other and I asked myself "why am I so upset?" and I could not come up with an answer, it was then I realized "hmm maybe my first reaction is the true reaction, I love him no matter what" and if that what is also Camila then I love her too.

I must admit it's also fun to do her nails, and make up, we don't' have girls so yeah, share beauty tips and now she knows how hard it is to walk in heels, gave her a new fond appreciation of how hard it is to BE a woman, and that's with out giving birth! lol

Funnier thing was how when we went out for Halloween how great she walked in them, mind you her feet are a bit bigger than mine and I have a shoe thing so I was not happy about maybe having my shoes stretched out but so is life, anyway the entire night I kept asking "do you want to change to flats?" and she kept saying "NO!" I swear the man part came out! very determined! lol cause my wimpy donkey would taken them off a loooooong time ago hehee..

My concern is her safety, see as time goes on she would like to go out in public and I don't' know how that would play out also what bathroom does she use? maybe silly but because she is new at doing this and maybe cause I am so used to seeing Camila as a male I don't think she can pull it 100% so I am afraid for her.

Thanks for your kind words.

Oh and Charlito I might just have to make an emergency trip to Hawaii

[Guest HoosierGal3]

Black Rose,

I can relate to your post. I have 5 kids still at home and living with my CD bf. I'm sure you must be very glad that your dh felt comfortable enough with you to share his secret. That's special right there. <3

[Sally]

One of my greatest fears was what to do if while 'out' I needed to use a rest room. My therapist said to use the lady's room. You won't get noticed if you just go into the stall - close the door and 'do your business' - "you weren't planning on standing up, were you?" She is very funny. "If 'clocked' in the Lady's just explain that you are transgendered and dressing full time is a part of your transition therapy." That should work for a crossdresser as well. I, being very concerned about this, have a letter from my therapist that I carry in my purse when I am out explaining this.

It is a very bad idea to walk into a Men's room (anytime) when dressed as a female - that is just asking for trouble.

If you are totally terrified for Camila there are always Depends!

Hope that is of some help,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WAIT_WAIT_WAIT

Are you sure you aren't MY wife writing this?

It is really spooky what you say - it is turned around to the wife's point of view, but my wife and I are going through about the same thing. We need to compare notes!

Liz

[Guest mia 1]

Black Rose You are the creator of a wonderful life. You have given us such a heartfelt love story. You are in my hall of fame and everyone else who has read this incredible saga has ahd to fall in love withboth of you. I am not religous, but the spirit is with you and Camilla. Love to you both Hugs and Tea and brownies...................Love, Mia1

[Guest Donna Jean]

Black Rose You are the creator of a wonderful life. You have given us such a heartfelt love story. You are in my hall of fame and everyone else who has read this incredible saga has ahd to fall in love withboth of you. I am not religous, but the spirit is with you and Camilla. Love to you both Hugs and Tea and brownies...................Love, Mia1

"snif..snif.." sorry..something in my eye..sniff..........

[Guest Black_Rose]

"snif..snif.." sorry..something in my eye..sniff..........

I know right? seriously, I have never felt so freaking awesome in a board just coming in!

It's like people get us!

and Liz nope not your wife, unless you are married to a sassy Puerto Rican girl, i will pee in my pants if you are lol

[Guest Courtney Hamilton]

Black Rose,

I just came out and told my wife on the 9th of nov this year. She wanted to reply to you and talk but it's the same IP issue. She would love to talk to someone going though the same thing.

It's a difficult thing to go though for both people, I know I tried to tell her so many times and just couldn't. And I can identify with your husbands feelings I still think I'm screwing up her life and the life of my children, but that is what the therapist is for. And I got to tell you i don't know what I do without mine.

Hope to hear more from you my wife was reading your posts all day and wished so badly to be able to post back to you.

[Guest Black_Rose]

Oh Courtney (hugs) to you and your wonderful wife.

Camila is working out a way to fix the IP thing so she can come and talk, once all done I will PM you on how to do it because I would love to hear from her.

I must add this little bit, if that is you in your Avatar, you are beautiful.

Courtney's wife how I feel is at times as if I am in a dream, not a bad one but a strange one which I never expected to have. You know what has kept me going? our love and the fact that Camila must love me and trust me so much that she told me how she felt, and showing me that now, more than ever she appreciates me and loves me.

Little things I was worried about before, like lack of communication and after years of marriage and at time felt like "what do we have in common?" have been changed, now we speak more and share things I never thought I would share with my husband. Although we never stopped talking, due to work and well life we had days of not able to share much together but for some reason we seek each otehr even more.

He is much more aware of my feelings and I am of his. We've become more helpful and understanding of each other and some stress has been lifted, perhaps because he finally spoke about something that was keeping him from opening up, now that it's out in the open he is much more communicative.

Courtney and wife, my life is not ruined, Camila has never, EVER been anything but loving and a special person to me. Yes things are different but certainly much more interesting.

Each day that goes by it has gotten easier when it comes to understanding and I am becoming more and more accepting, I do contribute it to the fabulous support of my mother, the fact that I revised my feelings towards Camila and saw how much Camila fills my life. I can't see myself with out my husband, just can't.

[Petra Jane]

I just came out and told my wife on the 9th of nov this year. She wanted to reply to you and talk but it's the same IP issue. She would love to talk to someone going though the same thing.

Hope to hear more from you my wife was reading your posts all day and wished so badly to be able to post back to you.

PM me with her details, username etc and I'll sort it.

[Guest xJennaSO]

Black Rose,

Its been nice to be able to read your posts. My husband, Courtney, helped me to get logged in here so I can reply also. A lot of what you wrote has really hit home for me.

I also often feel like I am in some kind of dream. I have always known that my husband was not being completely honest with me, that there was something she just couldnt talk about. But, I would have never guessed this was it.

Initially, I was so overwhelmed that she finally felt comfortable enough to be honest. I think we may have talked more openly in the last month than in the first 3 years of our marriage. It really is the tiny details and the worries about what happens 10 or 20 years from now that tend to get me down.

I know this has been and will continue to be incredible difficult for Courtney, and I am hesitant to burden her with the mess in my head...she has enough to deal with. Everyone on this site seems very supportive, it has been a good outlet and source of information. Looking forward to talking to you more.

[Guest CamilaRose]

OK hun, I made it on

She's the absolute best, isn't she? I'd willingly shove all my feminine stuff back in the mental box I've kept it in for so many years to save our relationship or even just to make her happy, but she's encouraged me to explore, and I love her all the more for it. It does seem as though we have more in common now than ever, and I love the fact that she seems to have decided to embrace me and have fun with it, rather than being disgusted or whatever. I do struggle with feelings that I've let her down, that I haven't lived up to her expectations of me, that I've turned her world upside-down, that she might decide to go find someone more 'normal', that she deserves to find someone more 'normal' and so on and so forth. The list is really too long to type, but I'm sure I'm not the only one to have these feelings and fears.

Anyway, I'm glad she found this place, and I'm really overwhelmed by how welcoming and understanding she and everyone here is. :sniff:

Thank you.

Camila

[Guest Black_Rose]

Yay my baby made it!!

See how can you not continue to love a person like her?

I love you honey. Like I said before, I had a really rough life, from being homeless, to having a family horrid situation, being adopted and made to seem as if I was not part of the family, to different types of abuse and all of this before I was 16. Even though life has not been very kind, it did give me someone wonderful and it's you. You have encouraged me to follow my dreams no matter how stupid they are, been there through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Yes at first I was overwhelmed but I can't ask you to be something you don't love because I want you to be happy. I want everyone to be happy, as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others I really don't care what a person does.

Anyway everyone here seems to be very, very nice and more than helpful!

Odd having you in a board with me but cool lol

So everyone meet my beautiful husband, Camila

[Guest Black_Rose]

Black Rose,

Its been nice to be able to read your posts. My husband, Courtney, helped me to get logged in here so I can reply also. A lot of what you wrote has really hit home for me.

I also often feel like I am in some kind of dream. I have always known that my husband was not being completely honest with me, that there was something she just couldnt talk about. But, I would have never guessed this was it.

Initially, I was so overwhelmed that she finally felt comfortable enough to be honest. I think we may have talked more openly in the last month than in the first 3 years of our marriage. It really is the tiny details and the worries about what happens 10 or 20 years from now that tend to get me down.

I know this has been and will continue to be incredible difficult for Courtney, and I am hesitant to burden her with the mess in my head...she has enough to deal with. Everyone on this site seems very supportive, it has been a good outlet and source of information. Looking forward to talking to you more.

(hugs) I am here to talk and I understand 100 %

I think it's just the way you analyze it, I had to weight the good and the bad, and the good outweighed the bad by a far margin.

I don't thing it's the same for everyone, nor I am preaching about how people should be accepting 100% all the time because it's not that easy. It is an individual thing and some will embrace and some will not but you can't really fault people for not wanting to be supportive and can't praise those who are just because is what you want but take it day by day. For Camila and I it seems to be working and I wish it on every couple but we are all humans and we all struggle with things.

Anyway I'm rambling here. I am here for you if you need me