Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

The Power of Guilt


Carolyn Marie

Recommended Posts

I know the feeling of guilt. I first felt it after I hit puberty. From about age 5 to 12 I thought I was originally born as a girl until “something happened” that made me a boy. I often secretly dressed up and imagined becoming a woman. Puberty said “no,” and I battled with feeling guilt and shame from 1980 onward. 

 

 Today, I realize and except the fact that it would be very problematic for me to transition to become a woman. So I have found a happy medium of giving myself time and space to dress up and live part of my life feeling like a woman.  I know this part of me will never change, but by embracing my son and unity and giving us opportunity, I am feeling more balanced and living your life  I know this part of me will never change, but by embracing my son and unity and giving us opportunity, I am feeling more balanced and living your life.  However, I still have moments when I’m out in public and wish I was wearing a dress and heels. But it’s like the song goes, you can’t always get what you want. 

Link to comment
  • 8 months later...
  • Replies 67
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Carolyn Marie

    7

  • KayC

    7

  • Heather Shay

    6

  • Charlize

    4

100% where I am at right now.

Seeing the pain I am causing my wife is incredibly difficult to bear.

I hope that it will get easier, but this is my biggest struggle right now. I’m not going back and my marriage is over, but we are talking.

My kids are trying to be supportive, but it’s on me that their family is splitting.

Link to comment
  • Admin
5 hours ago, NatalieT1974 said:

100% where I am at right now.

Seeing the pain I am causing my wife is incredibly difficult to bear.

I hope that it will get easier, but this is my biggest struggle right now. I’m not going back and my marriage is over, but we are talking.

My kids are trying to be supportive, but it’s on me that their family is splitting.

 

I am very sorry that you are experiencing this pain and loss.  My heart goes out to you.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I am sorry you and your family are having such pain and difficulty.  My therapist helped me by saying that it wasn't my fault that i was who i am.  It has taken time but as i accept that and myself i find the shame and guilt looses much of it's sting.  Things still hurt on occasion but it's bearable.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

I fully agree with this. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and will cause you to hate yourself. Getting help to move past it is incredible and as stated, none of us asked to be transgender, but it is something we must accept.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Stumbled upon this last night, but was a bit too tired to reply then. 

This hit home hard for me. For the last couple months, years, I've been struggling with the guilt, which in turn I think manifested into doubt/denial. Still working on overcoming these feelings, but it's definitely not something that can be undone overnight. 

Link to comment

When I was a kid and starting to go through puberty, I was so genuinely confused why I was getting this chest and curves when all of the guys were getting taller and hair. I thought all the time "it is ok, someday soon the testosterone will kick in, it will be fine." Sadly, it never did, and I just became more and more desperate over time. But I was right, I always was supposed to be a guy. Now, I have accepted (to the best of my ability) that I was born afab, and there is nothing I can do to change that. All I can do is move forward and become the best person I can be.

Link to comment
  • 6 months later...

This is such an important topic! 

How can we be guilty of our identity, how could we possibly be guilty of something that nobody explained to us when we were young, and how could we be guilty of something that (implicitly or explicitly) society tells us we should not be? We are not guilty. We are brave that despite these odds we take ourselves out into this world an show society that we exist. And the we care and are lovable for others. 

I am writing this out of a position of weakness as fighting shame and guilt play an important role for me at the moment. I came out as trans this year and am handling it rather badly. This is currently about to break up the relationship to my wife and I am also worrying about my 2 kids, to whom I gave birth. I know I am not guilty of bring trans and I also did not know it before, I felt different, but I didn't know it was my transness. What I do feel guilty of is how I am handling my transness - like puberty. And I gave myself the promise today, to improve that. 

A big hug to all you wonderful trans people out there. I am glad you are trans too, because it would be very lonely without you ?

Link to comment

Hi @Felicia44! nice to meet you and Welcome.

GUILT .. yes, we have probably all felt this or still do.  For so many reasons, but most of them being from outside of our own control. 

One of the biggest benefits I have had so far from therapy is being able to finally LET GO of those feelings of guilt - not just for my gender dysphoria, but many things I have had regrets for in my life. 

 

Its really the first step in self-acceptance, and that is the first step in progress.

 

For anybody here that is struggling with similar issues, and haven't started therapy yet, then please do that if at all possible. 

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

GUILT.... I was raised Catholic AND my mom was Polish - so I have been cursed with DOUBLE GUILT COMPLEX - it is so hard to let go of but @KayC is correct about - it is like when you get overwhelmed or depressed - just take little steps and it will ease and get better.

Link to comment

I guess I'm lucky that I'm 76 and I live alone. I managed to keep my cross dressing "secret" through two marriages and 4 kids. Actually, I don't know whether they suspected, but we never talked about it. Now I'm free to explore, and since Covid lockdown began, I've been en femme almost full time. That has led me to [try to get on] HRT. 

 

I'm really sorry for all the pain resulting from coming out to your S/O's. I doubt I could have done it even if I'd been as clear about my identities as you girls, and I admire your courage. I can only imagine the conversations you must have been having. Please take care of yourselves.

 

I guess I'm lucky that I'm 76 and I live alone, but I wish that weren't the case. I wish you all the very best in finding some way that can work for both of you. I still love women. That's one thing about which I feel quite certain, but I don't know where this journey will lead? Maybe we'll meet someday? I do hope so, and we'll see.

 

~~Lee~~

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Most likely HRT won't change your sexual orientation although it might. I love my wife but I am open if I do achieve full transition. I would want to experience the?full sexual experience with someone I trust

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Guilt is one of the things I greatly suffer from. Everything from little to major. Guilt has left me crying. Guilt has made me lie to my family. OH, I'll quit. go back to being a husband, father and grandfather. But we all know with this problem we have, it is nearly impossible to do.

 

I am slowly working on over coming it while I continue my journey.

 

Kymmie

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

For years i thought that by hiding i was "protecting" my family from my terrible reality.  I would die with this secret.

As many here have noted i was taught about guilt from an early age.  It just seems to be part of our societies training. Now as i look back it think fear was actually the biggest problem.  All my life i had been afraid that others would know and my safety would be lost.  People would certainly think less of me if i wasn't a manly man.  How would i ever get respect?  My path past that guilt and fear was long and difficult for me.  As an addict in remission i have a wonderful support network.  Honesty is stressed there.  Little by little over a period of years i came out in the rooms of AA.  Then i found this wonderful site and discovered that others had done what i dreamed of.  I was told to go to a therapist.  I did.  I was told by one of the wonderful mods back then that she "had my back".  How is that possible?  Well in fact it helped to know.

If you are on this amazing journey please take it easy on yourself.  Drop the guilt.....fear is enough of an obstacle.  

You are not alone on the journey.  I guess i might add:  We've got your back.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you @Charlize for your words of truth.  I do believe we have each others back here.  I know your kind words to me when I joined helped me immensely.  Thats the beauty of this group.

 

Hugs all, 

Jani 

Link to comment

Good rap, Charlize.

Isn't the guilt trip because we cannot be the person we think they want us to be? That's the source of mine, I think. And as Charlize implied, isn't the fear our assumption we will disappoint them, and for that, fear they will reject us, even disdain us?

 

Actually, isn't all based on our own fantasies? Trying to predict how they will act, what will happen next? Through the years, I've learned that the only thing I can predict with accuracy is that my prediction about someone else will be wrong.

 

I share some of Charlize's friends, and yeah, this forum feels similar to me. We do have one another's backs.

 

~~With a hug and very best wishes, Lee~~

 

 

Link to comment
  • Admin

I'm very glad to know that this thread is still resonating with folks after eight years.  I am in such a different place now than I was then.  I hope that in eight years hence all of you now starting your journeys will also be in a much different, and better place.

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
18 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

'm very glad to know that this thread is still resonating with folks after eight years. 

OMG! Carolyn!  I didn't realize you were the originator 8 years ago.  That's amazing! 

I had a total breakdown in my therapists office several weeks ago .. and it was exactly about the same type of Guilt you wrote about.  But the one good thing about that, is once I LET GO of that guilt, I was liberated.

 

Your right, its a timeless theme, for all of us.❤️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@KayC and @Carolyn Marie another timeless connection and words of wisdom. Guilt is my biggest hurdle to cross and at least I recognise it and that is a start on overcoming and clearing the guilt hurdles.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Thank you for the post, Carolyn--you happened to strike quite true honestly. On a personal note, I've found guilt is way too insidious a demotivator in my life in the past--and still some inklings in the present. I've experienced this in the effect of it cascading from my some ways my mother raised me where it was against decorum, or somehow sinful to present something like my inner-fem self which was basically caged up for quite sometime. There's a really ratcheting and hurtful way in which guilt resultant from abuse or being raised is amplified to a lot of aspects of our lives. This extended to a lot of things including romantic or simply feelings of attraction or wanting to explore aspects of myself and it was, really, a miserable and trying time which I felt like all I could do was being stuck isolated and that'd be my life. It took quite a lot to realize the fullest extent of guilt holding me down/back as of many here, alone, not even speaking to those outside this community which necessitates realized change for them too! Please know to any of you struggling with this very concept that it's not exclusive, but really sadly mutual to many of us within the LGBTQIA+ community--and there's always those of us who know to talk it through or share with one another, resources freely available in discussion of this, mental-health professionals/counselors who want nothing more than to help. I've been going through it, and trying to come out the other side too--least in the capacity of still suffering from feeling as if the previous self I presented to many people I care about, was a deception on my part. It's hard to escape that, but I'm trying to retain more happiness that I know that I'm presenting a valid sense of self now. : D

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I was raised Catholic and had a Polish mother so I know A LOT about the feelings of guilt. It is so good to be here at TP. I have found comfort and wisdom from those who have been there and honestly share their experiences and IT HELPS so much.

Link to comment

I couldn't agree more with you both @KayC @Shay . Thank you both kindly for your words/experiences :3 ! It's rather alarming to think that there's more than a fair share of overlap, but definitely way more comforting to have a sense of belonging in a place like Transpulse for sure where you can express that and look for solutions. Glad to be here likewise!~

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 132 Guests (See full list)

    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MirandaB
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The two o'clock Onshoring meeting was going well.  Taylor was leading, inviting other people up to speak on their specialties. Aerial photogrammetry and surveying, including the exact boundary, were out for contract signature  Gibson had handled that - Manufacturing was supposed to, but somehow hadn't happened.  Legal issues from Legal. Accounting reported on current costs, including all upkeep, guard salaries, etc.  Manufacturing was supposed to give those numbers, but they hadn't.   The downside was the VP of Manufacturing.  He had arrived at the meeting red-faced, his tie askew, clutching a bottle. It smelled strongly of vodka. He had never done anything in his twenty years of being VP of Manufacturing, and he did not like being asked now.   "Mr. ----, do you have the inventory we asked for?" Taylor asked politely.  VP Gibson had asked him to have his people go through the plant and not only inventory but assess the operational status of every piece of equipment.  They needed to know what they had. "I'm not going to take any f---- orders from a g-d- tra---," he snarled. "God knows what kind of perverts it has dragged into our fair city and bangs every night." "That is completely out of line." That was Gibson.  Taylor controlled herself.  That was a shot at Bob, not just at Taylor.  She was glad Bob was not there to do something stupid.  Had Mrs. McCarthy been talking? What had she said?  Was she given to embellishment?  Taylor took a deep breath. "I'm not sorry.  You f--- can take this stupid onshoring --- and shove it up your -" "That is quite enough."  This was the head of HR. "You can take your sissy ways and sashay -" "You are fired." "You can't fire me." "Oh, yes I can," said the office manager.  The VP took another swig from his bottle. "Try it."  He looked uncertain. "I will have you removed.  Are you going to leave on your own?  I am calling the police to help you leave." And he dialed the number. He stomped out cursing. They heard him noisily go down the hall.  This was the front conference room.  He actually went through security and out the door, throwing his badge on the ground on his way.  The guard picked it up. They could see this through the glass wall. "Can you fire a VP?" "The Board told me that if anyone gives me problems they should be shown the door. Even a VP.  I can fire everyone here. I won't, of course. Those were problems." "Are you alright, Taylor?" She nodded.  "I've heard worse.  Shall we continue?" And they did.   The last item was that certain business people in China had been arrested, and the corporation that had been supporting them all these years had been dissolved.  They were on their own, and the Board was dead serious on straightening things out.  After this meeting, Taylor believed it.  She did not attend the meeting to discuss how to distribute the few duties the VP of Manufacturing had done.  That was ultimately up to the Board.    
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...