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The Power of Guilt


Carolyn Marie

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I know the feeling of guilt. I first felt it after I hit puberty. From about age 5 to 12 I thought I was originally born as a girl until “something happened” that made me a boy. I often secretly dressed up and imagined becoming a woman. Puberty said “no,” and I battled with feeling guilt and shame from 1980 onward. 

 

 Today, I realize and except the fact that it would be very problematic for me to transition to become a woman. So I have found a happy medium of giving myself time and space to dress up and live part of my life feeling like a woman.  I know this part of me will never change, but by embracing my son and unity and giving us opportunity, I am feeling more balanced and living your life  I know this part of me will never change, but by embracing my son and unity and giving us opportunity, I am feeling more balanced and living your life.  However, I still have moments when I’m out in public and wish I was wearing a dress and heels. But it’s like the song goes, you can’t always get what you want. 

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  • 8 months later...

100% where I am at right now.

Seeing the pain I am causing my wife is incredibly difficult to bear.

I hope that it will get easier, but this is my biggest struggle right now. I’m not going back and my marriage is over, but we are talking.

My kids are trying to be supportive, but it’s on me that their family is splitting.

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5 hours ago, NatalieT1974 said:

100% where I am at right now.

Seeing the pain I am causing my wife is incredibly difficult to bear.

I hope that it will get easier, but this is my biggest struggle right now. I’m not going back and my marriage is over, but we are talking.

My kids are trying to be supportive, but it’s on me that their family is splitting.

 

I am very sorry that you are experiencing this pain and loss.  My heart goes out to you.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Carolyn Marie

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I am sorry you and your family are having such pain and difficulty.  My therapist helped me by saying that it wasn't my fault that i was who i am.  It has taken time but as i accept that and myself i find the shame and guilt looses much of it's sting.  Things still hurt on occasion but it's bearable.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • 2 months later...

I fully agree with this. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and will cause you to hate yourself. Getting help to move past it is incredible and as stated, none of us asked to be transgender, but it is something we must accept.

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  • 2 months later...

Stumbled upon this last night, but was a bit too tired to reply then. 

This hit home hard for me. For the last couple months, years, I've been struggling with the guilt, which in turn I think manifested into doubt/denial. Still working on overcoming these feelings, but it's definitely not something that can be undone overnight. 

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A. Dillon

When I was a kid and starting to go through puberty, I was so genuinely confused why I was getting this chest and curves when all of the guys were getting taller and hair. I thought all the time "it is ok, someday soon the testosterone will kick in, it will be fine." Sadly, it never did, and I just became more and more desperate over time. But I was right, I always was supposed to be a guy. Now, I have accepted (to the best of my ability) that I was born afab, and there is nothing I can do to change that. All I can do is move forward and become the best person I can be.

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  • 6 months later...

This is such an important topic! 

How can we be guilty of our identity, how could we possibly be guilty of something that nobody explained to us when we were young, and how could we be guilty of something that (implicitly or explicitly) society tells us we should not be? We are not guilty. We are brave that despite these odds we take ourselves out into this world an show society that we exist. And the we care and are lovable for others. 

I am writing this out of a position of weakness as fighting shame and guilt play an important role for me at the moment. I came out as trans this year and am handling it rather badly. This is currently about to break up the relationship to my wife and I am also worrying about my 2 kids, to whom I gave birth. I know I am not guilty of bring trans and I also did not know it before, I felt different, but I didn't know it was my transness. What I do feel guilty of is how I am handling my transness - like puberty. And I gave myself the promise today, to improve that. 

A big hug to all you wonderful trans people out there. I am glad you are trans too, because it would be very lonely without you 🙂

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Hi @Felicia44! nice to meet you and Welcome.

GUILT .. yes, we have probably all felt this or still do.  For so many reasons, but most of them being from outside of our own control. 

One of the biggest benefits I have had so far from therapy is being able to finally LET GO of those feelings of guilt - not just for my gender dysphoria, but many things I have had regrets for in my life. 

 

Its really the first step in self-acceptance, and that is the first step in progress.

 

For anybody here that is struggling with similar issues, and haven't started therapy yet, then please do that if at all possible. 

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

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GUILT.... I was raised Catholic AND my mom was Polish - so I have been cursed with DOUBLE GUILT COMPLEX - it is so hard to let go of but @KayC is correct about - it is like when you get overwhelmed or depressed - just take little steps and it will ease and get better.

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I guess I'm lucky that I'm 76 and I live alone. I managed to keep my cross dressing "secret" through two marriages and 4 kids. Actually, I don't know whether they suspected, but we never talked about it. Now I'm free to explore, and since Covid lockdown began, I've been en femme almost full time. That has led me to [try to get on] HRT. 

 

I'm really sorry for all the pain resulting from coming out to your S/O's. I doubt I could have done it even if I'd been as clear about my identities as you girls, and I admire your courage. I can only imagine the conversations you must have been having. Please take care of yourselves.

 

I guess I'm lucky that I'm 76 and I live alone, but I wish that weren't the case. I wish you all the very best in finding some way that can work for both of you. I still love women. That's one thing about which I feel quite certain, but I don't know where this journey will lead? Maybe we'll meet someday? I do hope so, and we'll see.

 

~~Lee~~

 

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Most likely HRT won't change your sexual orientation although it might. I love my wife but I am open if I do achieve full transition. I would want to experience the?full sexual experience with someone I trust

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Guilt is one of the things I greatly suffer from. Everything from little to major. Guilt has left me crying. Guilt has made me lie to my family. OH, I'll quit. go back to being a husband, father and grandfather. But we all know with this problem we have, it is nearly impossible to do.

 

I am slowly working on over coming it while I continue my journey.

 

Kymmie

 

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For years i thought that by hiding i was "protecting" my family from my terrible reality.  I would die with this secret.

As many here have noted i was taught about guilt from an early age.  It just seems to be part of our societies training. Now as i look back it think fear was actually the biggest problem.  All my life i had been afraid that others would know and my safety would be lost.  People would certainly think less of me if i wasn't a manly man.  How would i ever get respect?  My path past that guilt and fear was long and difficult for me.  As an addict in remission i have a wonderful support network.  Honesty is stressed there.  Little by little over a period of years i came out in the rooms of AA.  Then i found this wonderful site and discovered that others had done what i dreamed of.  I was told to go to a therapist.  I did.  I was told by one of the wonderful mods back then that she "had my back".  How is that possible?  Well in fact it helped to know.

If you are on this amazing journey please take it easy on yourself.  Drop the guilt.....fear is enough of an obstacle.  

You are not alone on the journey.  I guess i might add:  We've got your back.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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@Charlize amazing, honest, more truthful words have never been said.

Thank you

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Thank you @Charlize for your words of truth.  I do believe we have each others back here.  I know your kind words to me when I joined helped me immensely.  Thats the beauty of this group.

 

Hugs all, 

Jani 

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Good rap, Charlize.

Isn't the guilt trip because we cannot be the person we think they want us to be? That's the source of mine, I think. And as Charlize implied, isn't the fear our assumption we will disappoint them, and for that, fear they will reject us, even disdain us?

 

Actually, isn't all based on our own fantasies? Trying to predict how they will act, what will happen next? Through the years, I've learned that the only thing I can predict with accuracy is that my prediction about someone else will be wrong.

 

I share some of Charlize's friends, and yeah, this forum feels similar to me. We do have one another's backs.

 

~~With a hug and very best wishes, Lee~~

 

 

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Carolyn Marie

I'm very glad to know that this thread is still resonating with folks after eight years.  I am in such a different place now than I was then.  I hope that in eight years hence all of you now starting your journeys will also be in a much different, and better place.

 

Carolyn Marie

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18 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

'm very glad to know that this thread is still resonating with folks after eight years. 

OMG! Carolyn!  I didn't realize you were the originator 8 years ago.  That's amazing! 

I had a total breakdown in my therapists office several weeks ago .. and it was exactly about the same type of Guilt you wrote about.  But the one good thing about that, is once I LET GO of that guilt, I was liberated.

 

Your right, its a timeless theme, for all of us.❤️

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@KayC and @Carolyn Marie another timeless connection and words of wisdom. Guilt is my biggest hurdle to cross and at least I recognise it and that is a start on overcoming and clearing the guilt hurdles.

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  • 1 month later...
JillPilled

Thank you for the post, Carolyn--you happened to strike quite true honestly. On a personal note, I've found guilt is way too insidious a demotivator in my life in the past--and still some inklings in the present. I've experienced this in the effect of it cascading from my some ways my mother raised me where it was against decorum, or somehow sinful to present something like my inner-fem self which was basically caged up for quite sometime. There's a really ratcheting and hurtful way in which guilt resultant from abuse or being raised is amplified to a lot of aspects of our lives. This extended to a lot of things including romantic or simply feelings of attraction or wanting to explore aspects of myself and it was, really, a miserable and trying time which I felt like all I could do was being stuck isolated and that'd be my life. It took quite a lot to realize the fullest extent of guilt holding me down/back as of many here, alone, not even speaking to those outside this community which necessitates realized change for them too! Please know to any of you struggling with this very concept that it's not exclusive, but really sadly mutual to many of us within the LGBTQIA+ community--and there's always those of us who know to talk it through or share with one another, resources freely available in discussion of this, mental-health professionals/counselors who want nothing more than to help. I've been going through it, and trying to come out the other side too--least in the capacity of still suffering from feeling as if the previous self I presented to many people I care about, was a deception on my part. It's hard to escape that, but I'm trying to retain more happiness that I know that I'm presenting a valid sense of self now. : D

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Great post @JillPilled! .. thank you for sharing what, as you said, is a common theme for many of us ... and, Welcome❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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I was raised Catholic and had a Polish mother so I know A LOT about the feelings of guilt. It is so good to be here at TP. I have found comfort and wisdom from those who have been there and honestly share their experiences and IT HELPS so much.

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JillPilled

I couldn't agree more with you both @KayC @Shay . Thank you both kindly for your words/experiences :3 ! It's rather alarming to think that there's more than a fair share of overlap, but definitely way more comforting to have a sense of belonging in a place like Transpulse for sure where you can express that and look for solutions. Glad to be here likewise!~

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