I Thought/Think I'm Trans... Not so Sure Anymore...

[Guest AdorkableAJ]

For the past 3 years, I’ve considered myself a transman. Now… I’m questioning if maybe I jumped into things too quickly. I’m kind of swinging between two extremes of being at peace with who I am and being utterly confused and frustrated by it—depending on the day. I've been debating whether or not to post this issue to get feedback or to just figure things out on my own, but it can't hurt to hear what others have to say, I suppose. Heck, maybe there will be someone who's felt something similar.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had a clear cut idea of social gender differences. I would play with boys and girl toys alike, wear boys and girls clothes or whatever was around; it just didn’t matter. I was vaguely aware of boys having different genitals from girls, but as far as I was concerned, that was the same as some people have curly hair and some have straight hair. The reason I think I grew up with that impression was because I was born to a single mother and into a family of mainly women who are feminine but strong, independent, and who can fend for themselves and do things without a man's assistance. The only guy in the family I was close enough to to say I grew up around him isn’t really a macho guy either; having grown up the only guy in the family, he’s got a sensitive, feminine side and isn’t ashamed of it.

It wasn’t until after my mom got married and had her third child, this time a son, that I really got exposed to gender differences, I guess. I know it’s normal for older kids to dislike the new baby, but not to the degree of what I felt. I was 5 at the time, and for almost 10 years I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say I hated my brother. I was a jealous, spiteful, resentful kid and honestly wished to god he had never been born. I don't know why; it's not like it was a new thing for me... I had a younger sister before him and we got along just fine. I remember that when my dad would come home with presents for us, I would be angry when he bought me some silly little diary or jewelry when he got my brother a cool action figure or when he would take him to go see a movie. It would just make me hate my brother more. When people ask me now why I hated him, I’m still can’t give a definitive answer. I wonder if maybe I was resentful that he was a boy and I was not and taking it out on him, but I’m hesitant to say so. I don’t remember ever thinking “oh, I wish I was a boy” until I hit puberty.

So I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life, to be honest. My mother homeschooled me from second grade to seventh. I went to private school for first grade, where I was required to wear a dress for a uniform. I remember distinctly hating that dress. I’ve hated dresses for most of my life, as far as I can remember. There were about 3 exceptions where I adored the dresses and looked for excuses to wear them… but that only lasted for 2-3 years, my “girly” years. From when I was 6-8-ish I was a pretty girly child, in my opinion. I wanted my hair to be long, though I seldom had patience to brush it or sit still long enough to let anyone else do it… and I hated having hairspray and product put in it. I wanted to play with makeup and nail polish but my mother wouldn’t let me because I was too young. I adored Barbies and horses. I dunno… maybe this was because it was at this time that I was exposed to girls my age, whereas before all the kids in my family were already teenagers and the new babies were too young to play with me. Before then I hadn’t really played with kids my age except on the playground, but when you’re on the playground all you do is run around and yell regardless of gender lol.

Then I hit puberty. I was definitely considered a “tomboy” during this time. I could never get my hair short enough, I loved dark green army cameo, I would have sold my soul for a Gamecube (yet another thing my mom forbade). This kinda wore off a bit as I reached 13, where I didn’t become girly, per se, but I let my hair grow a bit and I wore simple and plain, though less masculine clothes. Seeing as I’ve always hated my birth name, I tried to change it a few times here—mainly to other feminine names—but none of them stuck with me or seemed right. When I started high school, a new school in a new state, I decided I wanted a new look to go with my new school. So I went all out for the “preppy girl” look—the look of a successful, intelligent, independent young woman, or at least my impression of what a successful, intelligent, independent young woman who was serious about her education was supposed to look like. You know the look: straight hair, earrings (up until then I hadn’t pierced my ears), a little make up, collared button down shirts, sweater vests, nice jeans/pants (still hated skirts), nice shoes. Did not even last me the whole semester. I think maybe 3-4 months like that and I was fed up. It was not who I was and it seemed so glossed over and phony and superfluous. So I downsized a bit. Back to my good old jeans, boy teeshirts, and sneakers. And that’s how I like it.

My second year of high school, I had my first relationship. It was with a guy who was suspected by many to be gay. We never kissed or went on formal dates, but he commented more than once that he felt like he was the girl in the relationship. It was by pure coincidence that during this time I started researching LGTBQ for one of my class assignments, which is was when I started learning about what the term “transgender” really means. Until then, my highly religious family had given me the impression that transgender people were perverted freaks who wanted to deviate from god’s natural plan or whatever. When I started learning for myself what it really meant, I realized that some of those things applied to me. I simmered on that for a year, during which I had gradually started wearing boy’s clothes exclusively, and then I finally joined my school’s GSA. They immediately picked me out as a transguy, even though I didn’t bind or pack at the time and said I just gave off that vibe.

That was 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve gotten myself a binder and packer and will not go out without them. When I’m out, I’d say I have a 25-30% pass rate. But lately I’ve been questioning if maybe I’m wrong. See… I’m bisexual/pansexual but I’ve always had a proclivity to fall for guys (like 4 out of every 5 crushes is a guy), and in the last year I fell harder than I ever have for one guy in particular.

I’ve heard he’s bisexual, so I haven’t given up on him entirely, but… what if he’s actually straight? It made me angry on the one or two occasions where I caught myself thinking, “I wish I was a normal GIRL. Then we could be together and things would be so much easier.” It’s a shameful thought; why should I change who I am for one person? I know I wouldn’t actually compromise my gender identity for him, or at least I hope I wouldn’t. I don’t know him as well as I’d like to (what I know about him couldn’t even fill a page, really) but it’s not purely physical attraction either. One time, my mother made a comment about how I’ll meet someone who looks just like him only he’ll be a doctor or a businessman or something and I was surprisingly enraged by the fact that she would think that I would settle for someone any different than him, even if they looked identical. Another time, she asked me what I would do if he wanted kids. At the time, I responded that if adoption was out of the question, I’d be happy enough to give him a kid. Since then, I’ve changed my mind; I can live without having a kid, but I would really like to have a kid with him. Heck, I’ve even decided rather than getting surgery, I’d rather natural transition so we have these options. I don’t know… I know there are transmen who have kids of their own and even chestfeed them themselves (which I would do, seeing as I’m a high believer in a child having that experience), but I don’t know… these thoughts and feelings that I’m having… they feel very… well… feminine.

On one hand, I know it’s not a crime for guys to feel this way, but I’m just confused because I’ve never felt like this before. I’m not looking for dating advice or people to say “there are plenty of other fish in the sea,” ones who will accept me as I am—I know how I feel about him and that I won’t settle for anyone but him—I’m just looking to hear if maybe anyone has ever felt like this too. I apologize for the long post and I appreciate your thoughts.

-Alex

[Guest Angel Heart]

Perhaps you can consult a gender therapist. You're old enough to see one without your parents' consent. Gender therapists are very, very helpful if you are questioning your gender identity.

[Guest AdorkableAJ]

Perhaps you can consult a gender therapist. You're old enough to see one without your parents' consent. Gender therapists are very, very helpful if you are questioning your gender identity.

Thanks for the suggestion but there aren't any good therapists in the area. It's a small town and the doctors, dentists, therapists and whatever all really stink. And I'm broke too. lol

[Guest Angel Heart]

Aww I'm sorry There are many who do phone consultations...

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Alex here is a link of therapist even on line ones . Hope this helps

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Angel