Needing A Little Help

[Sally]

Hi,

I have been reworking a story trying to get it ready to submit for publication. I may be a little too close to the work so I would like your opinions. They are both short, I would appreciate your honest opinions and suggestions. (Excluding the obvious, "Give it up!")

Thanks so much,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Helps if you actually show where they are

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...p;showentry=841 original

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...p;showentry=847 revised

Boy I'll tell ya.....never a day off with you lol (and I hope there never is)

[Sally]

Thank you so much, I seem to be missing half of my brain today - you must be using all of it!

Thanks again for the help. And don't expect a day off anytime soon.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Personally, I like the second one better. The bold print- which while it immediately highlights the fact that thie definitions are from rote, made me "confused' at first as to "where are you going with this". Emotionally I "alienated" the encarta as if anything it said or anything in this first portion will be completely contrary to what she's about to tell me and that's not true. The second method , by conveying a more story/conversational style makes me feel like the sentence examples are actually "part of the story" or giving me an insight into "where you're about to go". In this case you take all of the feelings of "aloneness" created by the example sentences and utilize the emotion. ie its all of those things plus so much more that isn't covered.

Other than that I would separate this into three sentences like below:

I am painfully aware of this feeling. I was born at a time when the word sex was never spoken. Television advertised cigarettes and hard liquor during Saturday morning cartoons and feminine hygiene products were never mentioned.

-But that's me being retentive

[Sally]

Well so far your with the majority - just you! It's early and A lot of people have been away watching the inagoration so I'll give it another five minutes before I start sobbing and sending you the "Nobody cares about my stories or me" PMs.

Get ready,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Well so far your with the majority - just you! It's early and A lot of people have been away watching the inagoration so I'll give it another five minutes before I start sobbing and sending you the "Nobody cares about my stories or me" PMs.

Get ready,

Sally

lol ok

Actually, and I was meaning to tell you before, your stuff reminds me of Thomas Michael Ford. He's done a series of books. His "stories" are basically collections of essays, typically they revolve around one central theme per book but are his takes and interpretations of parts of life as seen from the perspective of a gay man. Each essay is a differnt "chapter" and none is terribly long They could easily be read independent of one another and yet as a collected work create a portrait of a given aspect of him as a man experiencing being gay. How'd I find him? Cuz I like good writers and he's funny. Not "slap happy" funny, witty. The kind of wit that no matter what you personally are or are not you can find a commonality at the human level type of witty? Exactly. Example, the first book of his I read was "The Little Book of Neurosis". EVERYBODY knows what it is to be neurotic to some extent about something or another. No matter how "cool" you portray it we all have it, Ford puts a spotlight on that "common neurosis" and then gives you "the additiional gay man exeriences with it". First he lets you know where we're all the same, them he teaches you something without making you feel outside about "his world". Thats how your work is. Thats what it made me think of.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sally,

I tend to like the "revised version better...it flows more evenly...

And, yes I was off watching the new President get sworn in! So There!

**HUGGS**

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Revised

[shortest message ever from Lizzy until she added this long and overblown ending for some strange and unknown reason]

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hi Sally,

I see by the votes that I must be the oddball,

I liked the original version, because I thought that it captivated the reader and kept (me) in reflective thought about my life and the similarities that I found in your work.

When I read the revised version, I thought that it was too short, I was actually left wanting to read more.

Also when I read about your mother, I was moved to feel those moments and know where you were coming from. I also liked the referral to the puppet and the puppetmaster. THis made me think of a realization that I recently made about myself, and that was how as male, my whole life up to about last January, when I first embraced who I was, was engineered on the foundation of a lie.

IN short, the original version, kept me in your work and made me think about my own life again, but the shrot version, surprised me when it finished quickly. I guess what I am trying to say is that the longer version keeps you in your own mind longer.

But that is just me.

It was wonderful to read anyway, any thing that gently reminds me of something I need to pay moreattention to in my life is a wonderful way of helping someone face these things through yourself and your experiences.

Luv

Amanda LR