Crossdresser or Transgendered? Thoughts appreciated…

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Hi everyone! I had already briefly talked about myself in the Introduction, but I didn’t want to get too far into it in the wrong forum, because I tend to get paranoid about following proper protocol, not stepping on anyone’s toes, etc. Given that, I apologize if the any of following is a little out-of-bounds, I just really feel like I need to get it off my chest…

So unlike many others in the Trans community, I have no real memories of discomfort with my gender from a young age. I was a very shy and sensitive child, but otherwise felt okay. It wasn’t until my early teenage years that I started crossdressing. Being a hopeless romantic, I remember feeling jealous of other guys starting to talk about having girlfriends (or even just having female friends!) and had a strong desire for femininity, though I was unsure whether that was from within or without. Embracing femininity through dressing was simply exhilarating, and I continued through mid-college. It was then that I decided that it would get in the way of my dream of finally having a relationship with a girl, and with much difficulty, managed to stop for several years.

But even in the years I didn’t dress, I still would almost exclusively have fantasies of sexual encounters AS a woman WITH a man. I tried to ignore this, telling myself it was just a weird kink. When I was 28, I finally got a girlfriend, and enjoyed having a partner in life, but intimacy proved difficult. My sex drive with her was low, and I often had to mentally reverse our roles in order to achieve the intimacy she desired. Even in everyday life with her, I often secretly desired the feeling of being “the protected” rather than “the protector” in our relationship. In the middle of our relationship, I secretly started buying my own female clothes for the first time, and started dressing again. We broke up after 2 years for other reasons, and at age 31, now having experienced such strong real-life effects of my dysphoria, I feel I can no longer ignore this uncertainty of who I am, and what I am attracted to.

Although for the majority of my life I have suffered through depression, I have happily been rid of it for several years now. And although I am endlessly thankful, it does make me question whether I’m truly transgender, since it seems like one of the primary indicators is feeling a deep disharmony between your body and mind, something I mostly don’t have. I do have (and mostly embrace) many feminine personality traits and interests and find masculine behaviors very unappealing. Still, the way I act when I’m not dressed is still largely masculine; it doesn’t necessarily feel like a front. On the other hand, crossdressing is becoming less of a sexual thrill, which it had been exclusively for over a decade, and more of a comforting feeling.

As far as sexual preference goes, things get really confusing. I still do not really find men attractive, but I definitely find women attractive (admittedly, some of this is what they’re wearing!). But when it comes to sexual fantasy, although I have some attraction to being with a woman as a woman, I mostly still desire to be a woman with a man. This makes answering the question, “Who are you attracted to?” pretty difficult to answer.

I am finally seeing a GT for guidance through these issues, but I know that I will still need to be the one to have the revelation. We have decided that my Gender ID should be the primary focus, because it’s a completely different question than Sexual Orientation, but they’re tough to separate for me. Whether I’m truly female inside, and even want to transition, or simply a male that likes to express femininity, it doesn’t make any clearer what kind of relationship I can ever pursue that has any hope of lasting (though I’m okay with devoting this stage of my life solely to finding myself).

I know that no one but me can tell me who and what I am, but I guess my question is: Has anyone else had similar experiences (late-developing trans feelings, or blurry sexual attraction, or whatever)?

In the short time I’ve been part of LP, the members who’ve responded to my posts have been so warm and welcoming, and I cannot thank you all enough.

I’m sorry for the long post! Any insight anyone might have, however small, would be greatly appreciated.

Love,

Gina

[VickySGV]

Big thing is not to overthink yourself into a serious anxiety attack. GD overload can destroy even the fastest CPU your brain has and make you totally miserable. You are you!! What that means has been a matter of investigation since you first put your finger in your own mouth and bit hard, even without teeth. Gender Dysphoria is an identity issue, not a sex isssue, and the identity part is paramount to the gender part. So even late on the gender part of the thing is pretty much a non issue to it. At 31, you still have many miles to go whatever the answer is, and you do not have to cast an answer to it in concrete before lunch tomorrow. Even the Seabees say that while they can do the improbable tomorrow, the impossible is going to take a couple of days longer. You have achieved the improbable, you need a few more days to get to the impossible.

I had three children with the feelings of sexualtiy that you describe. Their mother was the agressor in the greatest majority of our sex life, which ended when she developed BiPolar disorder, and complications. It was nearly 24 years after our divorce before I faced my transsexuality head on, but during that period I was totally celibate, and made a south end of a north bound mule of myself on two occasions when I attempted to establish relations with two women, who in my screwy brain were also dominent females sexually. I simply never got to find out about the sex part, because my passive nature killed the relationships.

[Guest Victoria71]

Hi everyone!........................Has anyone else had similar experiences (late-developing trans feelings, or blurry sexual attraction, or whatever)?.............................I’m sorry for the long post! Any insight anyone might have, however small, would be greatly appreciated.

Love,

Gina

Hi Gina.

I am 41, and have exactly the same problem, and can fully understnad you "Lost and Confused" feelings.

I wish I had answers or guidence for you, but unfortunatly I have just consciously started on the road that is Gender Identification and have no idea myself, and even at times still think I don`t want to know.

The life I have had till present wasn`t the best, but it is what I know.

So I just wanted to say, "Your not alone with what you feel"

Vicky

[Charlize]

You did a good job of giving a description of my sex life. I would not fantasize about men but a dominate female was high on my list of desirable qualities. As it is i have been married for 41 years. We had a decent but not great intimate life with 2 beautiful children and much love between us. At the same time i dressed at times and put it away at times. My GD finally took off and i began to dress more and more and go out into the world as me. At home i was male, out female. It almost drove me crazy and i finally got honest at 63 years of age. I'm glad you are going to a GT. don't over think this thing. You can try living as a woman and see if it fits. For me it was obvious once i stopped hiding. It is different for all of us. It will work itself for youu as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Gina,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Thank you for your responses!

VickySGV, thank you for your words of wisdom. It's frustrating for me (and I imagine, a lot of the questioning trans-community) to know that the majority of the adult population have their basic gender identities and sexual preferences nailed down, while I continue to struggle with it. But I know you're right, and I'm trying not to rush it. What's nice, though, is that I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm not ashamed to explore my feminine side wherever it may lead me. I'm really happy that you seem to have found yourself after your own trials and tribulations. By the way, if I'm reading your "interests" correctly, you are post-op as of just a couple months ago - congratulations!

Victoria, thank you for your reply, it helps for me to know there are others like me, and I hope it helps you too. It's taken me a little while, but I feel like I'm finally ready to open my mind to the possibilities of my true self; I hope you'll do the same. If you ever want to talk, I'd love to listen!

Charlie, it makes me happy to hear that you found your real self as well. It's amazing to me that so many of us are able to supress our GD for so long, at least enough to maintain our current lifestyles, even though it's always ready pounce back on us when our guard is down. It's very interesting that you say it became clear for you when you stopped hiding: my GT has suggested the possibility, and it is more or less my goal right now. I live with 2 roommates currently and as such am never able to dress for very long. My goal this year is to change jobs (my current one doesn't pay much), then move out on my own so that I can try living as a female for more extended periods of time (after work each day, or all through the weekend). My hope is that I'll then discover that either the novelty wears off after time, or that it will feel "right."

And Vanna, I will indeed try chatting sometime, thank you!

Love,

Gina

[Guest Natalie64567]

I was a lot like you, lost and confused. The only stories you hear about are people who felt that way since being kids but not all are like that there is a different type of gender dysphoria that develops later in life and getting worse over time. I started to go to tgerapy with a counclier who had experience dealing witg transgender patients. Sge told me that the only who knows who you are and csn abswer those questions is yourself but going to therapy snd talking about it helped me figure out what and who I am. Trying finding a therapist is probably your best option and share your feeling with us along the way.

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Thanks Natalie. It's been really nice to have my GT to talk to and sort things out, not to mention talking to all of you lovely people, but it is also a little disheartening to leave each time still not having an answer. I know answers come in time and that I've really just started to figure things out, but I can't help but feel like all the years of my life feeling dysphoric should count towards that! Bleh.

Anyway, one thing I have found that has helped a lot: simply refusing to ignore it anymore. Being prepared to explore, accept, and really embrace those real parts of myself that I previously attributed to mere fetish.

And something kind of interesting has happened. Throughout my entire life up to this point, whenever I wondered just what the heck I was, I have always hoped that it WAS a fetish, because it would elicit far fewer complications with my relationships with people, etc. But since opening my mind to the possibility of being truly female, I'm finding that I kind of hope that this is the real me, because there would be a legitimate reason why I've been this way, and better, a possible solution.

Of course, these thoughts are still just my own wishful reveries, nothing of real substance. Likely, only time will provide the wisdom I seek.

Gina

[Charlize]

Gina, It sounds to me that you are well on your path to understanding. Please reread what you wrote. I see so much understanding of self there. i also see some acceptance and that will grow. We often talk about the steps of grieving that partners feel if we transition. I think we feel the same. First denial. Then anger then after time an acceptance comes and we can be ourselves past the fear and with honesty and some certainty. I say some because it takes a long time to really let go of the life we have had to live.

Keep seeing your GT. and keep finding yourself regardless of where it takes you. We all find contentment at some point if we can accept and live our lives as we are living not at a "destination"

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Thank you so much, Charlie. Your reply made me tear up a little!

I will take your advice. As I follow this new path before me, I will try to live day by day.

Love,

Gina

[Guest RachelAnn]

Hi, Gina!

I apologize for the length of the note. There's a lot of information here, and I hope you find it useful, reassuring, and helpful.

I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I am a transsexual, fifteen years since starting transition.

While people don't like to be labeled by others, there are labels that we gladly place on ourselves to help us understand who we are. When you are a transgendered person, however, there are oftentimes no well-defined labels to apply to yourself. I read somewhere that about a third of normal people (non-TG) presume that a TG person is gay. I don't know if that's true or not, but that was about the percentage here at work with my co-workers when I announced and began transition; this despite the fact I was married and have five sons. Just like you, I couldn't even begin to describe to them what my orientation was since there were no real words it. I eventually went with "double hetero" because the maleness of my body responds to my wife, while the femaleness of my brain is a woman being with a man.

I bring this up because both my gender therapist and my doctor referred to the same thing about being a transsexual; there were "intensities", meaning that there were different levels of gender dysphoria, based primarily on the amount/timing/location of dihydrotestoerone (DHT) I was supplied during my formative fourth month (give or take) in the womb. There were other factors, many social, but also some minor physical, but this was the main one. This varying amount of DHT - which presence in the form of hormone baths to various parts of the body - is what triggers the until-then female fetus to become male. And if the amount is too little/too much, delivered/not delivered, timed poorly, or even the body is unable to use DHT, then the child can be born as a member of the rather wide umbrella of "Transgender".

If my chromosomes are XY, I'm genetically coded to become a boy. But if the DHT that should have gone to my reproductive organs doesn't arrive, but the scheduled DHT to my brain DOES arrive, I'm genetically a boy (XY chrome), biologically a girl (vagina, ovaries), and my brain is male (which fixes my gender identity as male). If I'm coded to be a girl (XX) but an unscheduled hormone bath of DHT (from various pharmaceutical drugs, some tumors, etc.) occurs, I'm a genetic girl (XX) with a female brain, but male reproductive organs (penis, testicles). And there are a LOT of combinations beyond that. (For instance, because I had several of the physical characteristics, I was tested for Kleinfelter's Syndrome, which is having an XXY chromosome.)

I'm a MtF transsexual, meaning XY chromosome, boy parts, and a female brain. The amount of DHT my brain did NOT get determines the intensity of the gender dysphoria. At the time of diagnosis - because it's a past event and cannot be measured quantitatively in any event - there were four general categories of intensity for transsexuality: Mild, Moderate, Severe, and Profound. Keep in mind these four categories are NOT to pigeon-hole a patient; they're general areas that aid the medical professionals in anticipating the best treatment for that patient. I don't even know how many use these categories; I only know my doctors did. To describe the categories, from the point of view of diagnosing an MtF transsexual for treatment:

Mild: The patient has some discomfort with their gender identity. Many will make life adjustments - perhaps adopting more effeminate tendencies - and never seek diagnosis or treatment. Others may associate it with other life challenges and be diagnosed, but be treated with the primary reason for seeking medical help.

Moderate: The patient is consciously aware of something being "wrong", to the point that diagnosis and treatment may be sought. They function moderately well socially with others and have a general connection to their birth sex, (boy or girl), but have difficulty having the specific gender identity and privately dwell on the dysphoria. If they are diagnosed, treatment could include the encouragement of the dual identity; often with crossdressing and some alternate identity growth, possibly with some hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Gender reassignment surgery (GRS) is not an option.

Severe: The patient is certain of the gender dysphoria, though probably is unaware such a thing exists medically and may attribute it to other, usually negative, conditions. (This has eased more with the growing awareness of transgenderism in our society.) The patient is frequently aware from a very young age, sometimes from first memory. It becomes markedly worse with the onset of puberty (seen as the "wrong" puberty) and thoughts of suicide become common, as does heavy drug and alcohol abuse. They are at best socially awkward and at worse violently anti-social. Attempts to self-cure will lead to extreme examples of activities associated with the birth identity sex, usually with negative consequences. Thoughts of suicide increase in number and intensity, with actual suicide occurring at 25 times the rate of the normal population. (Some recent reports from 2009 indicate it may be much higher.) Diagnosis and treatment of this level of dysphoria include HRT and GRS, as well as complete identity change to the patient's actual gender. Once diagnosis is made, whether professionally or by the patient - self-medication of HRT, normally at unsafe levels using unreliable sources to supply drugs of questionable quality or effectiveness - is a constant threat. There can be successful medical treatment, but often with a radical social change, from acceptance as the transitioned (actual) gender being the best, and social damnation and isolation being the worst.

Profound: The patient is generally a candidate for an institutionalized life at an early age. Connection to reality is tenuous. Suicide rate is very high; social life (if uninstitionalized) is bereft of friends and often involves violent criminal or self-inflicted activity, with little regard for personal safety. Diagnosis and successful treatment is the same with the severe condition, but will almost always include a lifetime of intense therapy, with only partial connection to society.

There's the medical side of it, Gina. At least as it was understood in the late 90's and early 2000's. In years past, I gave one or two lectures a year at Temple University School of Medicine on this subject, and any suggested changes are reflected above. I'm now giving an annual lecture at the Drexel University College of Medicine, and will continue to update as people see fit to enlighten me.

REMEMBER, GINA: Again, they're only guideposts to help the doctor help the patient. Don't label yourself to any of them. My intent here was only to demonstrate that there is no single "kind" of transgender, nor even a single "type" within any labeled "kind". These names and attempts to categorize can be helpful if you are of a mind to do that. It helped me when my doctors were able to label it for my benefit, giving me a better grasp on what I was dealing with, primarily the knowledge that it wasn't my fault.

I, for instance, am a diagnosed and treated transsexual in the severe category. Known since I was three, have always been and will always be socially awkward, once nearly killed someone for no reason and with no emotion, courted suicide for over 25 years, crushing guilt for almost 40 years, almost performed "surgery" on myself when I was 10 with a pair of scissors, self-medicated, and so on... it's not the happiest of stories.

Stay with it! Despite the some gloom and doom I mentioned above, I encourage you to remain upbeat and positive. Know for certain you have those willing to help you where we've already been, and that you're among friends.

I hope this has helped.

TTFN!

Rachel Ann

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Rachel Ann,

Thank you for this weath of information, I've never before seen the levels of transgenderism classified like this. I have to admit that I couldn't help but try to place myself in one of the levels, and due to my somewhat late (teenage) realization of something being wrong as well as how lucky I was with having a fairly uncomplicated childhood (past depression aside), I had to align myself with Moderate. Since realizing in my life that my transgenderism is on some level real, and coming to terms with my lifelong difficulty relating a masculine role, I have to admit I was a bit disheartened to see the Moderate category definitively stating that GRS is out of the question.

I didn't overlook your reminders that they were only meant as guideposts, for my information and not a written-in-stone personality profile. I do appreciate the info, and it does give me solace that maybe I'm not to blame for what feels like a "broken" Self. I am trying to remain as positive and open-minded as I can. All of you in this community have already helped me tremendously through your compassion, friendship, and insight from having been there yourselves.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it really means a lot. It's great that you're educating others on trangenderism now! I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've faced in your life, and I truly hope that you too have come to peace with yourself.

Love,

Gina

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Gina, I'm glad that you are working with a therapist for your gender issues, and there are many who didn't discover their gender identity problems until later in life so I don't think that is much of an indicator. Though I could be wrong. For me using Rachel Anns scale I'd fall somewhere high up in severe, maybe profound (I ended up retreating into my imagination rather than deal with reality) so it's pretty much dominated my life.

I can relate to you on being unsure about your own sexuality though. I have waffled back and fourth on what sex I was attracted to and ultimately I came to the conclusion that I was Bi, I find both sexes attractive but in truth I'm more attracted to individuals then the specifics of their sex. My first consensual sexual experiences were with men, but my first deep romantic connection was with a woman (and that didn't even involve any sex). I think when your on a journey of self discovery the best thing you can do is just keep an open mind, and you'll eventually figure it out hon.

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Gina, I would say that I fall on Rachel Ann's scale on the high-moderate level in that I don't recollect having thoughts of being, wanting, or thinking of myself as female when I was a small child, however I do recall vividedly my mother and Cousin saying that I should have been a female (never found out why) . From that time on (around 4 or 5 years old) I had constant thoughts of why girls got to do certain things like hug, kiss, and hold hands with one another and boys could not. It really wasn't until my teen years that I really began fantasizing about being a female with other females and being a female being made love to by a male. Throughout all my heterosexual interludes I always was more passive than the woman I was with, much to the consternation of some of them, including my wife of 28 years. There have only been a handful of times when I had made love to my wife that I could not achieve an orgasm without fantasizing myself as a woman mostly making love to another woman, but often being a woman being made love to by a man (The woman to man fantasy was usaually while I was on the bottom) . I have struggled for years Gina as to what was wrong with me; incessantly dressing up in female under clothes, escalating to buying, throwing away, buying throwing away, buying and throwing away all manner of female clothes, and rarely making love to my wife without the aforementioned fantasies, yet I had refused to label myself as homosexual and certainly not transgender or transsexual. The last thing that I had wanted to admit to (I thought) was that I had a real issue that needed to be handled. Some years ago I finally settled on the label bisexual to explain my proclivities. Unfortunately, that label did nothing to explain my deep desires to want to be female. The older I have gotten (now 54) those feelings have become overwhelming to the point that I went to a hypnotherapist to help "fix" me so that I could save my marriage. Well, it had the opposite effect, yet I am grateful for the outcome. Had things not worked out the way that they did, I would still be lying to myself and lying to and hurting my wife. I have recently come to understand; try as I might, that I can no more divest myself of who I truly am than can a leopard change its spots. Now that I've come full circle I have accepted that my insatiable desire to be female is because I am transgender and more specifically very probably (will be determined by my GT) transsexual. You are right Gina, coming to grips with who you are is essential to making forward progress in one's life. It is my hope that your GT will assist you in your journey.

With respect to your statement that one of the premier indicators to GID is " feeling a deep disharmony between your body and mind". Know that it isn't just having this seemingly disconnection with body and mind, but also a person could have GID if they repeatedly state a desire to be female as a child or as an adolescent or adult "the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as a stated desire to be the other sex, frequent passing as the other sex, deisre to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex". So you see Gina as others have said there are gradations of where we find ourselves as transgender.

Regardless of all that has been said, never forget that we are all here for one another. (((hugs)))

Sophia

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi hon.

I see that there has been a lot of discussion already, but I thought I would chime in a little. I think you meant to ask crossdresser or transsexual? Indeed, I have seen many people here who start in their journey as crossdressers and evolve into their deeper understanding of themselves to the realization that they are really the other gender (i.e. transsexuals). Sexuality is actually seperate in many ways to gender identity. I would not use one's sexuality as a measure of their gender identity.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that your happiness and centeredness as to who you are is the most important thing that I know you should have.

The journey is long, complex, and challenging with many stops on the way. When you find yours I will be very happy for you

God speed.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Sarah, thank you so much! Your thoughtful reassurance really made me feel better about myself when I read it. When you mentioned being "attracted to individuals," it actually really struck a chord with me...I've never even considered that possibility in myself or others, and it's seems like such a beautiful way to live. I also (to this day actually) tend to live in my head, and in my childhood through late teens, escaped my depression and my life through imagination. I'm unsure whether my issues at the time were related to GID, but it is interesting either way...

Sophia, your story was illuminating and inspiring to me. I'm really glad you have made it to where you're at in life, it sounds like you're much happier. A few years ago, due to my similar sexual proclivities, I also (privately) labeled myself bisexual, but even that didn't sit well with me, because I thought if it was that easy, then I shouldn't have intimacy problems with either sex, right? Of course, as I have learned, pretty much everything (gender and sexual orientation included) is on a fairly wide sliding scale, and is not bi- or even poly- polar. I noticed in your quoted description of GID that I fell pretty easily into every category except "frequent passing," which is a result of both maddening physical characteristics and my learned masking of any feminine mannerisms, which only recently I've started to let show through a little more.

Brenda, thank you for your input. You're right, of course, that I accidentally misnamed the thread, and I certainly didn't mean to perpetuate incorrect terms in an already poorly-understood topic. I think I made the mistake because I've always found myself avoiding the word transsexual, because to me, the connotation seemed to indicate purely "sexual" preference instead of identity...but I guess that's an issue best saved for the etymologists, isn't it? I am indeed trying very hard to focus on my identity alone, ignoring sexuality confusion for the time being.

Thank you all for your insight and kindness, you have no idea how much it means to me!

Love,

Gina

[Guest RachelAnn]

Gina, I'm much what was mentioned. I'm in love with my wife, so does that make me heterosexual or homosexual. Well, it makes me "in love with my wife". As a transsexual with determinant physical features of both genders, who cares? I'm in love with my wife.

"But what about..."

Hey. It's pretty simple.

I'm in love with my wife.

Rachel Ann

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Gina, I'm much what was mentioned. I'm in love with my wife, so does that make me heterosexual or homosexual. Well, it makes me "in love with my wife". As a transsexual with determinant physical features of both genders, who cares? I'm in love with my wife.

"But what about..."

Hey. It's pretty simple.

I'm in love with my wife.

I love it. Life can be so easy to overcomplicate with labels and whatnot, it's nice to remember that if we just let them, things can really be just that simple. It's beautiful, and kinda poetic.

Cheers to you, hon!

Gina