Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ashtray


Guest Bellexia

Recommended Posts

Guest Bellexia

Burned out, tossed in the ashed sand it won't decay

It gives it's brief break of relief many times a day

Tossed out forgotten, then when the pain comes again

it's remembered and another fresh feeling is pulled out

between the lines, the fineness a southern taste

a fresh soul used an abused, smashed of it's worth

who could know, who could care, what's the point

a plant once sturdy, strong fragrant, doomed from it's birth

try again, live again, it's never enough

The dogs nose burned from the smell

a fresh soul to burn toss down the well

burn creates the smoke and it's vapors

a choking mist, each moment lost in embered papers

with each stick another moment lost

it's used up by each person tired and gone

20 chances to make this person happy

20 times used, each burn a scar

fragmented, hurt and gone and here she lies in the can

of no use to that person she gave herself to

a solace in each burn that they would forget

forget that i am still burning

they tossed me and i flickered softly

burning hotter with each memory of theirs

catching it all, remembering it

torching them, trapping them in hell

as they took the time to trap me in the tray

there were no screams, no pain

they wished for it, gambling each time

Then it was gone.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Glad i finally left that one behind but like all addictions they are waiting for me... just one then 20 or more each day.

Hugs without that ashtray smell at least for today,

Charlie

Link to comment
Guest Bellexia

just one more, just one more just one just one oh please god just one more cause in the end oh in the end its just another 5 minutes you wish you had before you fly away and leave it all behind.

Link to comment
Guest Bellexia

I will just continue with my stuff here. Seems pretty cathartic and I don't want to start a new thread for each thing.

My angel

In the swirling mists, across the pond against the storms

I left her, my regret, the pain I felt in her as the life slipped from her eyes

instead a veil of anger and sadness covered her, I lost her

If only I could have one more try, one chance to regain love lost

My rose had a thorn, it stuck in me, flowing through veins

tearing each artery of mine until I was lost, all hope fleeting

I look up at the full moon, is she there, or am I looking at my own life

barren, lost in a tormenting orbit, longing for what is not allowed

just out of reach, my soul burns in agony, a hell I created

to the shores of the cold rainy town, I walk alone at night

through the path of the grave, tear stained face eroded

forever god damned to spit in his eyes. forgiveness would not be earned

angry, a husk waiting for a victim to take their heart away, feral spirit

the woods I tread, ruins to my secrets, lips wetted upon my blood

splayed against the trees i wait for deaths reach, his ghastly visage

oh Azrael take me, forsake the world, my whores lips seek a simple kiss

the kiss of the divine, corrupting, your wings shredded

I'll never see my angel again, lost across the deepest sea in a kings land

she would never forgive me, my sins entangle me like damnation

my screams as I burn upon the pyre, the love keeps me engulfed in the blaze

the tear in my eyes as I remember our long loving words, your scent it hits me

just before i let out my last breath.

Link to comment
Guest Jennifer T

I like these poems, Bellexia. Lots of symbolism; metaphor - the ground upon which my soul treads and the cloud through which my spirit often soars.

Well done.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Bellexia

Love has never been an easy find for her

All of it, comes at a price. A price I can't afford

Deject, rejection, it's all the same. Pushed away

Just an unwanted freak who has stopped trying

You couldn't possibly know the feeling

Say it will get better and shrug it off until she cries again

She makes a joke of her life, that's all it ever was for her.

used like a piece of tissue, she's so tired.

So she walks into her room scribbles a note

did they ever find her, that was her joke

she knew that's how it was, to be invisible.

To just be a joke that people brush off

A joke she had the last laugh with

Link to comment
Guest Jennifer T

"You couldn't possibly know the feeling"

Bellexia, while I will never be presumptuous enough to state I know your pain, I will state that I do know what it's like to be a freak, to be rejected, to be ignored, to be alone. And I believe many here know those things as well.

I know this writing is an expression of your emotion and your hurt. I wish I could indeed tell you that "it gets better." there are those here who can tell you that. But I am not one of them. Though i do believe it has to somewhere. I can however share your pain. Or at least tell you that I care and please keep writing here. I will read and listen.

Link to comment
Guest Bellexia

It does not get better. For all the effort I have put into finding work, I am constantly denied. I have been to 5 interviews only to be told they found someone better. 40 applications in the past week. I am constantly berated because I cannot find work. I am constantly told I am weird, scary and morbid by those around me. The only friends I have are online. As such lately I cannot even find myself bothering to speak up to anyone. I just don't care anymore. I know the worst is going to happen so there is no point to hold a head up against it. Just let it break me. Let it destroy me. IDGA* anymore.

Edited by Cynthia Rae
removed certain letter, per the rules. shh C -
Link to comment
Guest Bellexia

OH OHOH I forgot, I am totally freaking alone. Yeah friendzoned by every prick with a single status. So yeah my life is just freaking peachy. I don't only wish I die, I wish that somehow with my death comes the demise of every living person within 4000 miles. Maybe some kind of plague. I dont care. Screw this world. I want everything to go out with a fiery bang.

Link to comment
Guest Jennifer T

Truthfully, I do not understand the "I wish everyone within 4000 miles ..." thing. A lot of people have done me wrong over the course of my life. But I do not wish them I'll. Truly. I hope they find healing.

Link to comment
Guest Jennifer T

Well I guess I am not a good person. All the more reason for me not to exist.

Bellexia, my comment wasn't a judgement on your character or your morals. Simply a statement concerning your comment that I didn't understand. Nothing more.

What is a 'good' person?

Link to comment
Guest Bellexia

It subsided for now. Thank you all for putting up with my crap. Still looking for work but... I will find it. Also quitting smoking, on e cigs and weening myself off.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 166 Guests (See full list)

    • Mmindy
    • Ivy
    • Breanne_O
    • Jet McCartney
    • Sally Stone
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
    • missyjo
      April sounds fun..I keep some boy jeans to visit mom in..fir now   hugs
    • Ivy
      I like them too.  We had them growing up.  But my father's family were Swedes.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Oh my!  I guess it just goes to show how different tastes can be. Since we don't live near the ocean, Seafood is a rare luxury. We absolutely love pickled herring! Especially my husband and my GF, I guess it's a Ferman/Russian cultural thing.  But most of the kids like it too, and a jar wouldn't last in the pantry for long 😆

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...