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my transsexual life story


Guest veltiro

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Guest veltiro

my name is Sam. I was born male. That was the biggest problem of my life. My brain says that I am female and it makes me sad everday and takes over all my thoughts. I really want to be a girl. I would do ANYTHING to be in a girl's body. i hate my disgusting horrible masculine body. Whenever I look down my pants I ;
am disgusted at what i see. When I look at my chest I often wish I had what the other girls have, when i look at other girls I get so jealous and whenever a beautiful girl says she is unhappy with herself it makes me want to cry. I would love to be a girl. it is so unfair. If I could have anything in the world, even $1 billion I would rather be a full biological woman. I really want to change my s *x when I am older but i am so scared. I do not want to die and I cannot transition alone. I am looking for love. I would date any gender just as long as they accept me as a girl (I am bisexual). I do not dress in womans clothing or shave my legs or anything like that. I do not want to get teased. i still am, however transsexual. I am constantly looking at my self in the mirror and I am often disgusted and wish I was dead. Sometimes I look alright but most of the time I look like a male monster that deserves to die. I have thought of suicide so many times and it is tempting, but I have decided that it is not worth dying a worthless male and I should pursue my dreams. I have had many crushes (female and male) but they were never successful because I am either to feminine or I aren't good ennough looking. I cannot help being feminine sometimes. it just leaks out and it does not feel right when I do boyish things. i feel like one of the girls. They still see me as a boy and it is sad because the boys tell me to bug off and hang with the girls. Half my school hates me and if I come out they will hate me even more. They know I am bi but they do not care. Being female on the other hand is a different matter. I have talked to my parents and they said I cannot start until I am over 18. They do not have the money to transition me and they say that people will beat me and my brothers up because of it. i'm just so scared I will turn into a bif hairy masculine creatures before I have the chance and i will probably kill myself. The pain gets greater every day and I cannot get rid of it. I want to be a girl. I would rather it than even 1 billion dollars. I want to be able to walk down the street at night in a cute little bra and nice hot short shorts and not be judged and bullied. I want to date someone and be their girlfriend, not their boyfriend. I feel I was born into the wrong body. Someone please message me or comment on this. I need help. Before it is too late. i want to be a girl :'(

p.s. if I was a girl i would love to be called Lily but I haven't told my parents coz they may fight with me and tell me I'm male.

Edited by Carolyn Marie
Removed link that revealed personal information. Also substituted one word (CM)
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  • Root Admin

Hello Sam,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. :)

MaryEllen

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Guest Sarah Faith

Hello Lily, Welcome to Laura's playground. :)

The way you're feeling sounds so very familiar and echos much of my own childhood. I really hid away my true self in much the same way you have in order to avoid being targeted at school, and it can be very tough but school in general can be socially tough on anyone. It is something that you can get through and you'll be 18 before you know it and able to do what you need to do hon. In the mean time you have definitely come to a great place to talk with those who have been through the same things and this is a very good place to get information and start coming up with a game plan for a future.

Take a look around the forums, and post in any that interest you hon. :)

Hugs,

Sarah

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Guest LizMarie

Welcome to Laura's, Lily!

Many of us can relate to what you're saying. Life is often difficult for many of us. I can relate to your story.

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, Lily. I hope you find the support and information you need here in these forums. I know the thought of waiting is unpleasant in the extreme, but having to wait is still better than never getting there because you decided to end your life. Believe me, hon, waiting is far preferable to death. I think with the support you will find here, we can help you find the strength to get where you need to go.

I ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe for everyone.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest nomnomnom

You should tell your parents it doesn't cost much at all to begin transition.

my psychiatrist, endocrinologist and medication is all reimbursed 80% or so by Medicare. So far my transition has only cost less than $500 in two years. (I haven't added in roughly 180p/a for sperm storage, just in case.)

surgery is a different matter, but that's going to have to wait anyway, something you might be able to pay for once you have a job, that is, if you opt to have any surgery.

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Guest sophia.gentry58

Hi Lily,

welcome to Laura's Playground, I hope that you've come to a place that you can call home. Many of us here have been where you are and can help you get through your ordeal. Please keep in mind that opting for a permanent solution (suicide) to deal with a temporary problem is never the answer. While you may want to experience being a female in body right now, I believe your greatest ally will be to harness patience and not let your anxiousness get the best of you. Your time will inevitably come (if you don't short circuit it) and when it does you will have many decisions to make about where you want to go and how you want to get there; who you want to be and how you want to make that happen. Why not begin now in your mind making preparations; begin to plan your future and how it will look to you once you've accomplished your goal(s). Anything a person wants to build he/she must first plan; plan now Lily so when you turn 18 you will be prepared to be at the helm and take your life and move in the direction you want to go! (((hugs)))

Sophia

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Guest Lauren W

Hi Lily!

Welcome to Laura's Playground! Your story is one that many of us here have gone through ourselves. I'm sure I won't be alone in saying I've also contemplated suicide before - I even got so far as holding the knife in my hands - but if there's one thing I want to say it is that there is always a better choice than ending everything, even if it doesn't feel like it. I also know exactly what it's like to want nothing more than for my body to match my personality. I know exactly how it feels to look in the mirror and hate what is looking back at me. What I'm saying is that you're not alone in any of this, even if it feels like you are, and wow can it feel like you are. I know that from experience.

Honestly, everything you said resonates with me - and others I'm sure - as they're all feelings I've had before. If there was one place you could have come to find others that know exactly what you're going through, it's here. So welcome! Also, as Alicia pointed out above, I think you need to let your parents know that beginning to transition is nowhere near as expensive in Australia as it is in, for example, America.

...plan now Lily so when you turn 18 you will be prepared to be at the helm and take your life and move in the direction you want to go! (((hugs)))

Sophia

As for this, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm only nineteen, but even now I wish I'd taken the time while I was at school to get my life in order rather than having to do it later. Due to depression and another big, but unrelated factor I won't go in to, I grew very lethargic. I never bothered to get a job, didn't do any school work except for work in class - I almost failed years 9, 10 and 11 due to lack of homework done, despite the fact I aced most of my classes - never got my L's and as such don't have a driver's license at the age of nineteen, and became extremely reclusive. It is not a good way to live and I'd advise you to try and avoid it as much as possible. The best possible thing you can do for yourself right now if you don't want to transition while in school is to prepare yourself and get your future in order so that you can begin the very moment you leave school. In other words, focus on the bright future you've got ahead of you and work your way towards it. That way you'll focus less on how much you hate your body and wish you were a girl and more on how in a few short years you yourself will change your body to match what you know yourself to be.

I'd also suggest seeing a therapist of some kind. Not necessarily a gender therapist, but a therapist of some description that can help you with issues such as depression. I began seeing one when I was eighteen, but at the time was unwilling to come out even to him, and as such nothing came of it. If nothing else, a therapist is that one person you can tell anything to and not be judged. Having a person like that does a LOT for you. Not only because you're talking to someone about your problems, but also because it gives you the feeling of no longer being alone in a hostile world, which is a feeling I know was taking over me at one point.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. And once more, welcome!

<3 Lauren <3

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Guest Miss_Kitty367

Lily!

Such a beautiful name! I love it! :)

I love what you said here about,

whenever a beautiful girl says she is unhappy with herself it makes me want to cry.

I feel the same way, and make sure that I tell the woman just how beautiful she really is. and that there is nothing I would change about her. A lot of women complain about their breasts and I am not ashamed to look them over and say "Damn girl, those are some might fine boobs goin' on there! Why do you want to change THOSE?" Then I pull out my forms and say, "I'll trade you any day!" They can't help but laugh. I've a had a few cry and give me a hug and say, "Thank you! I needed to hear that!"

You are a beautiful person and coming out to the family is always hard, but this I know, when the time is right, you will find the courage do to so and they may be shocked at first, and maybe even un-accepting, but when the time is right, they will come around. I have seen this in my own family as well as others. Do not give up hope! EVEN if they don't come around, it is better to be yourself and free, than to be subjugated and repressed. I lived far too long feeling repressed and am now emerging as the beautiful person that I always felt I was. Hang in there!

Hugs

Becca

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Guest Carla_Davis

my name is Sam. I was born male. That was the biggest problem of my life. My brain says that I am female and it makes me sad everday and takes over all my thoughts. I really want to be a girl. I would do ANYTHING to be in a girl's body. i hate my disgusting horrible masculine body. Whenever I look down my pants I ;

am disgusted at what i see. When I look at my chest I often wish I had what the other girls have, when i look at other girls I get so jealous and whenever a beautiful girl says she is unhappy with herself it makes me want to cry. I would love to be a girl. it is so unfair. If I could have anything in the world, even $1 billion I would rather be a full biological woman. I really want to change my s *x when I am older but i am so scared. I do not want to die and I cannot transition alone. I am looking for love. I would date any gender just as long as they accept me as a girl (I am bisexual). I do not dress in womans clothing or shave my legs or anything like that. I do not want to get teased. i still am, however transsexual. I am constantly looking at my self in the mirror and I am often disgusted and wish I was dead. Sometimes I look alright but most of the time I look like a male monster that deserves to die. I have thought of suicide so many times and it is tempting, but I have decided that it is not worth dying a worthless male and I should pursue my dreams. I have had many crushes (female and male) but they were never successful because I am either to feminine or I aren't good ennough looking. I cannot help being feminine sometimes. it just leaks out and it does not feel right when I do boyish things. i feel like one of the girls. They still see me as a boy and it is sad because the boys tell me to bug off and hang with the girls. Half my school hates me and if I come out they will hate me even more. They know I am bi but they do not care. Being female on the other hand is a different matter. I have talked to my parents and they said I cannot start until I am over 18. They do not have the money to transition me and they say that people will beat me and my brothers up because of it. i'm just so scared I will turn into a bif hairy masculine creatures before I have the chance and i will probably kill myself. The pain gets greater every day and I cannot get rid of it. I want to be a girl. I would rather it than even 1 billion dollars. I want to be able to walk down the street at night in a cute little bra and nice hot short shorts and not be judged and bullied. I want to date someone and be their girlfriend, not their boyfriend. I feel I was born into the wrong body. Someone please message me or comment on this. I need help. Before it is too late. i want to be a girl :'(

p.s. if I was a girl i would love to be called Lily but I haven't told my parents coz they may fight with me and tell me I'm male.

Hi Sam,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Sadly, your story is often TOO common.

I hope you find whatever you need here.

It took me over 40 years of NEEDLESS suffering before finally "Coming-Out" and "Transitioning"

Today I couldn't be HAPPIER. Take one day at a time. GOOD things come to GOOD people.

On this site, would you prefer I call you "Lily". Your parents would not know.

Hoping you find ALL the HAPPINESS I did finally being TRUE TO MYSELF.

Carla

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Hello Lily

Many of us can related to the battles with parents. I fought with my parents when I was just five years old. I got trucks when I turned six when I wanted a doll house so that my sister and I could play together. My mother was a little unhappy with me when I put two trucks through the back porch windows. Even though it was January in Wisconsin, my butt started an early spring thaw. LOL. My family doctor told me that it would take a miracle to change my body, so you pray for that miracle. 5 decades is long enough to wait for a miracle so I'm creating one myself and so can you.

Eventually, the time for miracles will arrive for you. Don't lose hope. Never lose the belief in yourself to procure that miracle for yourself. It will take time, but if you believe, you can achieve it. So welcome to Laura's Lily, where many of us are achieving miracles everyday. Your turn is just down the road, one baby step at a time, Believe it.

Kathryn

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Guest miss kindheart

Hi Sam,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)
We all look forward to seeing you.
:wub: vanna

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Guest MichellePetite

Hi Lily,

Welcome to this 'safe space' Take your shoes off and put your feet up and relax a spell.

I think that you are being swamped with a cascade of angst and worry and doubt and well.......... just the sheer pressure of it all.

It is complicated enough being young nowadays without the added 'trapped in a gender strait jacket' sort of situation.

Well lass you are among friends here. We all have similar tales to tell and some of us ...... er 'Older girls' :rolleyes: even make it through life and are still able to smile at the far end of it!

For instance after a chance remark about getting a dress like the lady on television's when I was grown up led me to receive my first pair of boxing gloves .... and lessons.... when I was 6! :lol: And so it began for me too..... I can tell you it didn't quite succeed in the way it was intended ....... though I was more than able to defend myself when needed! but that as they say is another story! :D

Back to you Lily, do not despair, you have too much life left to live to go under now.

So stick around, find out what options you have and plan accordingly.

It is true that all journey's begin with the first steps..... but only by persevering and keeping to one's chosen course until it be truly attained does one yield the true glory!

Ask around, start a topic ....... Lily's Lifeboat for instance...... how to build it, what to plan? how to finance it? any body out there with any ideas? ....... Well Lily there is bound to be. So ask the questions, find out, adapt to your environment and above all luv....... survive!

LnK

Michelle

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Welcome to LP Lily.

Thank you for your introduction.

A lot of us here can relate to your experiences. Life is a struggle for most TG's.

You have a lot of suggestions already. You are not alone, you have a lot of friends here.

I wish you peace and prosperity on your journey.

Huggs, :wub:

Joann

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Guest LauraJen

Hi Lily,

Firstly welcome to Laura's. Secondly, like others here, I absolutely love your name choice. It's coincidentally one of two that I am currently considering, as I have recently realised that I cannot have Laura (which I still use here anyway for the time being).

Your story is, as already said, a common one and I feel as if I could have written a lot of it myself. I get how you feel about beautiful girls saying they are unhappy with themselves - I feel like saying "at least you have the right body for your gender!". The waiting involved in transitioning and the fear of things like coming out are horrible and that is something we can all attest to. But the help from places like this can do wonders and soon enough your time will come.

I am a bit late with this post but I hope that you have found the site a useful place so far. Best of luck with your journey.

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