Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest Shawn Sunshine

Acceptance as a Christian and my journey?

Recommended Posts

Guest Shawn Sunshine

Hello there, well coming up is August and its hard to believe its been almost a year since I lived in the bay area. I miss it immensely and wish I had never left. It seems after all there was no real reason for me to come back to Texas, as the housing authority wants to make me wait another year from October this year to port again. But I just can't wait that long. I know now in my heart of hearts I belong there and should be a part of the community there. I have spent an awful long time in prayer and having it seems some prophetic dreams from G-d telling me to accept the female side of myself. I wonder if this means to embrace being fully female or accept being somewhere in between. I truly felt mentally and spiritually fully female last year. If you would have asked me I would have no doubts at all. But now it seems I have doubts again. I think it mostly had to do with the gift G-d gave me to use my voice and how I have wasted it and not used it. I can do many male voice impressions. Been emulating male voice characters for years but never getting paid for it. Yet I have a strong desire to get voice surgery in South Korea someday since they can do a surgery that gives you a natural speaking and singing voice without too much risk. I have to admit I have always wanted to be able to sing soprano and natural and feel able to express my inner soul in that way. Does not seem likely you can do that with just voice training alone. Others have had luck they say but I want something more if I am going all the way.

The other thing is while I can see myself in the here and now within a few years being all female, I can't see myself as an older woman. I still see a male self in my older years. So do I just do my best to accept being intersex and live somewhere in between and still being a helpful person to all lgbtqqi people and just people in general or do I allow myself to go the other direction and embrace womanhood as best as I can given the situation?

I worry about still how my family and friends will treat me and possibly despise and hate me as they will see these things as an evil choice. That fear is still there. Also the fear of what G-d will say to me when I bow before him/her. Will G-d say well done or will he deny me and say..."sorry you were wrong to accept that" "i know thee not, depart from me". I have only just in the last year come to accept that being anything LGBT or Intersex or Genderfluid is right and ok before G-d. Yet again that fear is still there.

After meeting the pastor and folks at the church in Alameda and the few other Christians who are Colorful and part of the rainbow, I come away with mixed feelings. I see the fruit of the holy spirit in some and yet not others. But to be fair I see straight cisgender people doing the same thing. Some claiming to love G-d and live right and follow the commandments to love one another. I see it all the time people having 2 faces or not really being the servants they claim to be.

All I know is I am still very much struggling with myself at age 41 now, wondering how to be the full and happy and content person I should be instead of this empty shell of a person that I feel like now.

Blessings to you all.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest LizMarie

I recently had an email exchange with a Baptist pastor. And it wasn't what you might have expected. We talked about three groups of Christians. The first were the loud, judgmental types that get on the news and drive radical political activism against everyone they hate. Both the pastor and I saw them as Pharisees and not really Christians.

Then there was the large apathetic majority who go to church and who are kind but don't really try to put Christ to work in their lives.

The final group were those who emulated Christ, who forgive, who serve, who love, who try not to judge.

The pastor emphasized to me that he is in that third group and that he's trying to awaken more in that second group. And at the end of several emails back and forth, his final comment to me was: "P.S.: If I thought God was like that first group of Christians, I'd rather be in hell than spend eternity with them!"

Don't allow one judgmental group to form your entire opinion about all Christians. Don't allow one judgmental group to dictate who you have to be according to them. Find a church that accepts you, as you are, however that works out, whether you transition or not.

My advice to you is to find yourself first. And for me, that process was hugely enabled with a good therapist.

You be you, whoever that is, and don't allow judgmental people to force you into being someone you are not.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest sophia.gentry58

Hi Shawn;

As I was reading your thread I thought about a few points I wanted to make to you, but as I scrolled down to enter my thread I noticed that Liz eloquently made them for me. Heed her wise words Shawn. :)


Share this post

Link to post
Guest Dillinger

Religious institutions are rife with hypocrites but that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy them. There are good people, you just have to look at them and ignore the jerks. That is the only way to endure church. Personally I have found that I am happiest not going but when I do I go to a church that suits my needs. Some may say you cannot make religion suit your needs because belief in god calls for a sacrifice and so on and I get that. I tried other churches but they, like you said, gave me mixed feelings. Too many fake people. People going because they thought it made them look good. And often times after settling into one of these churches someone would spot one of my many differences and call up a mob with pitchforks. It just got to be more of a weight upon my soul than the comfort it was supposed to be. So, maybe, do some church shopping. Find one that works for you. One that subscribes to the belief that there are many paths to God tend to look more favorably on people of the LGBT spectrum.

As far as reconciling yourself to whether God will except you come judgement day... well no one has the luxury of knowing unfortunately. It is beyond us. All you can do is make your life reflect kindness and grace and hope you made the right decisions. For me I adopted the five Buddhist precepts as a supplement to my patchwork faith. Basically refrain from hurting others and living things, stealing, sexual misconduct, slander and lies and substance abuse. In fact much of Buddhism brings me comfort and manages to fit in with my belief in God. It makes me a better person, one that I think God would like. Maybe not an ideal Christian but a decent human being and more like what Jesus described. I think finding the balance for yourself is important. Far more important than sticking to some churches doctrine. If you can settle into a way of belief that fits who you are, you might be more comfortable. Maybe not anymore confident in your salvation but since we can't be sure anyway we might as well make living bearable. I'll tell you, my soul has never been more at ease than it is these days.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest ClareJuliette

Agreed - find a church that accepts you. They do exist! And then continue to seek God - wherever that may take you on gender journeys or spirituality journeys. She (he) is the God of surprises.

I know there are Christians who will see you (and me) as objectively disordered, in need of healing, sinning, possessed or whatever else and who might start throwing pick-and-choose verses from Deuteronomy at us. But they're not all like that. Some are more into love, compassion, beauty, service, and generally aiming to be Christlike and not just Christian.

My own situation - I'm 42 and have only been able to accept this and come out to myself this year and have fully embraced myself after decades of being anti-me. (My first church had lots of ministry tapes from the gay-cure movement and as a young enthusiastic convert all that drivel became rooted within me for too many years) At this time I'm part of two churches. In the evening I am Clare and everyone accepts me, knows me only as Clare and doesn't give me any funny looks for physically still appearing to be a man in a frock. Ah, the joy of MCC! In the other church (where I'm on the little team who lead services and preach) I am known only as a man and hardly anyone knows about Clare. That all changes on Sunday though when a public statement I wrote will be released by arrangement with a very understanding vicar. Is this a church that accepts me? I don't yet know. There are a few I know to be in that first group of Christians. A majority probably in that second group. And a few in the third group.

God will never leave you or reject you for being the person he made you - whether you're male, female, intersex, cis-, trans-, or whatever else you might discover or embrace along the way. He made you and you are beautifully and wonderfully made and nothing can separate you from his love; not death, not life, and not even those Christians who are ignorant of the amazing diversity that is in the beauty of the human race. (to quote and paraphrase the Bible) Sorry - heading into preacher mode again there.

Share this post

Link to post

In the two years I have been on the Playground here, I have left a number of posts in this forum about my journey within my church which is very accepting and welcoming. They knew me for nearly two decades as a male -- well, sorta male -- but when I came out, they were open to caring if not fully understanding. Rick is remembered, but Vicky is the active member now in ways that he never was able to be. This at least is the goal of my entire national church, but it needs work in some places, and I have offered myself to that ministry as much as I can be. In my parish I am a Lector and Intercessor, and the pastor knows I would be glad to serve as a Lay Eucharistic Minister. It is in the works.

As far as God and Christ go with things, I approach the altar rail now and find that the welcome is brighter and the depth of feeling all the more as I take the Body and Blood of Christ into my own with love and reverence. My first Sunday back after my SRS was very cautious, but as I came forward I truly felt that I was being comforted in my fears and I left the rail with tears of happiness in my eyes. Indeed I had worried, since in the past if I have not been in good relations to either God or others around me, I had felt a caution not to approach the altar until I had made amends and reconciled where it was appropriate.

One thing has not changed in my life though, and that is the knowing that I must be ready at the end of my life, in one brief moment to tell God, "Thy will be done" and know that God's true will is always to keep my spirit in God's presence. Give God the control, and the rest is details.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest Shawn Sunshine

:ThanxSmiley: for all your helpful replies...I still have some exploration to do...but at the very least I have been able to accept others for who they are...i use to be a somewhat conservative Christian not just 2 years ago.

Share this post

Link to post
Guest skittles413

Great story Liz. That can be so true. I am scared about how our church will handle things when Ashley and I come out- if that is the path that comes down the road in the next few months or so. She really loves our church and wants to keep going. So I guess we shall see. Praying for nothing crazy to happen.



Share this post

Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   9 Members, 0 Anonymous, 246 Guests (See full list)

    • A. Dillon
    • Katharina
    • Cyndee
    • secondlook
    • VickySGV
    • ShawnaLeigh
    • Beth
    • Markjvp
    • Jackie C.
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. -Kandy
      (30 years old)
    2. Cecilia
      (59 years old)
    3. Grahamgraham
    4. Kiera
    5. Ulfra_Wolfe
      (35 years old)
  • Posts

    • ShawnaLeigh
      I admire your courage and agree that the information you have on your experiences can be invaluable to others who are not there yet. I myself would have a hard time doing this in front of an audience.  I'm still shy and a bundle of nerves during public speaking.  Something I have battled since high school.  
    • Jackie C.
      Yeah, you might need a little bit of a boost. I never hit "unable." At my lowest was, "Eh, maybe once or twice a week." Of course we'll see what's going on now once I've healed enough to even think along those lines again. For now... I've accidentally poked my incisions with a dilator. I am in no hurry to repeat the experience. Ow.   Hugs!
    • Sarahnr1
      WELL spoken Aidan (standing up and aplloud)   and im happy to read youre  doing  better again.  and reg anxiety  yes i hadent thoght of that Aidan but its also closely related to depression  actually  (and yes Severe on that one as well (sigh )       
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Dang it I hit submit before I was ready to.  LOL I was going to add that my arousal is at zero.  Nadda.  No morning events or even during erotic dreams.  Even if I try on my own its just non functional at this time.  I assumed this was a normal thing on HRT.  I suppose I need to ask about this when I go in again for an appointment.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I cant even call them boys anymore.  They are brats and troublemakers! Dang things got me in more trouble.   Mine go on a one way trip soon too and I can not wait.  Plus I can stop taking as much of the HRT meds afterwards which will be nice.
    • Sarahnr1
      Bipolar  is  whats  formely was  known as manic depression   and  what it does  is actually as you describe  you have  youre UP  perids  were lifes  is  all good  and then  you have youre DOWN  periods .and its not  uncommon to have both  Depression as well as  Bipolar   BUT only a cert  doc can make that diagnose  tho   Belive me i understand  better then you might  think Mark . and  i also understand  the  demands on you   are getting  higher  as  you grow  older .   NO Mark  we cant  im a living example  that you CAN  make it thru this rogh times       Again i understand  you Mark  and i know you whant  belive me  BUT  as the time  goes  by  and you manage to get thru this  rogh periods  youre  mental strainth   will also increase   and you will be  stronger then you were before  (how do you think im still around  with my crappy life  ?  )  I agree  mark and thats  WHY  you need to go and A   get  help for youre depression  and B  try to not   ask to much of youre self   (ie  LOWER youre own expectetaions on youre self  and accept  you can only do youre best)    C   GET youre self  OUT there   and look around  Mark   if youre not happy being a lone wolf  then you need to get out and  look  they arent  going to just stand  by youre door  and say hey !   ya know       Mark  when you have youre  Pm privigies  pm me  ANY time you whant  or need and we can talk about  whatever you want.Thats  just the depression talking   DONT listen to it   if i would have listend to all the crap coming at me  24 / 7   i would  have  left  this earth a long  time  ago     Mark  i have been talking to this so called  pro`s   since i was 4  and up to adult (now close to 50 )   age  and  you'd  be surprised to see  how  much that have  improved from my time  to now. (back in mu days they dident  know  diddly about any of my diagnosis  or problems BUT these days  they have learnt  plenty  . and the  only way you will find  out  if or how they gonna help you is  give them a chance   (wink)  +  when youre this far  down  you NEED  profetinal help TRUST me on this . (and like  in life in general theres  good as well as bad   so cold  profetinals  and if you feel one isent  working  ask for another one )  And last  its  not  they will help you  its  YOU and  with the  guidance of   them will together  find a solution.  And  also im not on any meds  either   for any of my diagnosis  so thats NO requirement.                
    • Aidan5
      My advice is basically just the retelling of everyone's wonderful and thoughtful comments. You have your life ahead of you and I know what it's like to be in that dark place, I was there just 2 weeks ago I think but something small made it all turn around and made me want to keep fighting. I had given up then and there I wouldn't be here where I stand today, that I am grateful for. Please hang on bud. This is anxiety, the fear of the unknown, but give it a little thought, university may be super cool and fun! Just give it a chance. When I was a freshman in high school I was terrified, and even now I am going to be moving schools so late in the school year. I will make the most of it and enjoy what life has brought me, you should try to do the same, friend :))  
    • Markjvp
      hey aidan i know this isn't related to this topic but check the new thing i posted on suicide prevention i felt very low yesterday i still feel it today its called why keep living?
    • Markjvp
      i know this cycle will continue for now at least while im in school and im expecting university to be super hard so why keep living? but again i cant kill myself... not yet and i know things im throwing away if i do it
    • Aidan5
      PFFT haha! Whoops!   Thnank you everyone for your kind regards as always!! ❤️   I do plan on keeping in touch, and try to rebuild a relationship with them, thankfully they are willing to help with moving me out.    I also apologize if I am not as active, for I will be busy with things for the move
    • Markjvp
      actually i think i dont have both because even when im super low it can disappear and ive never had mood swing before (if thats what bipolar disorder is) but i have suspected that i have depression because from time to time basically if im not distracted enough and if i start thinking negative things i will get sad maybe feel low    i know you probably understand how im feeling but i keep fighting and every year is kind of like a cycle at this point school gets harder i most likely pass the courses that i take and at home i just watch or play then at the weekends we go somewhere because we need to buy something but also each year i go through something like this at least once when im feeling super low and at least once in the year im so sad that im thinking of... you know... suicide. so we cant just give up? how my life is pretty much a cycle right now a loop theres things added to it like this site but i just dont want to keep living like this im like a wild animal being put in a cage but was fighting before but now giving in or I AM in the cage slowly giving up and i can probably describe my life a couple more ways. ive always wanted to be free and ive always been someone who tries there best at everything but whats the point of moving forward when i almost have no help i know "keep fighting" but again its getting harder and harder and i know the people here can only help so much but not as much as you being here physically for me...   i still cant kill my self not yet and ill probably keep doing what im doing even while sad but why keep living. yes i probably should get professional help but how are they going to help because i can most likely counter what they say "there's people that love me" that's just probably my mom and dad and i cant feel the love from my other parts of my family i dont know what else someone might say but thats how i can counter that. also im not taking any medications right now
    • Jackie C.
      Yeah, I had about a year of peace before they took my off HRT for surgery. There's probably something up with your T-levels. Your endo will take care of it if it doesn't settle down on its own.   Hugs!
    • KathyLauren
      Good for you for doing this!  Public speaking, though it can be terrifying, is a great confidence-builder.  ANd sharing your experiences will help others on their journeys.  Way to go!
    • DeeDee
      My one superpower is being able to calm babies down enough to go to sleep. Though it has always worked better on other people's than my own. 🥰 I do not miss projectile vomiting and green diarrhoea though! Congratulations on becoming a big sister Emily, and for finding a decent therapist to help explain things to your parents.
    • Debra Michelle
      Didn't turn something down yesterday,get to speak out at a local monologue with 11 other post op trans women.An employee of mine told a couple of her friend whom are organizing this about me and asked if I would do this.Looked them in the eye and told them yes.I want to tell my story which is an open book on my life even during my transition and when I had my GCS in January.They were happy I didn't turn this down.Told the news to my mom and 4 brothers and husband,they plan on going to it.Friends found out too,they told me I am doing the right thing and will help out other trans women that are struggling needing help and encouragement.Found out 3 of my friends whom are now post op trans women are doing it too.I am so excited about this and not looking back.Glad I get to let it out in a good way.First meeting is next week meeting the other 8 that are going to be in it and this is going to happen in June.
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...