Forgot it too was locked away

[Guest DianeATL]

All my life I have tried to lock my gender identity issues away in a tight little box where they couldn't come out and no one could see them. Now that I have unlocked that box and am starting to embrace the treasures within, I am discovering that I had another locked box in storage too. I am trying not to let it out too at this time but lately it has been ripping on me as hard as the GID. They are related but separate.

Because of my struggles being comfortable with myself, I developed difficulties with intimacy. My therapist helped me understand that I was pushing away all intimacy for fear it may lead to sex and I was very uncomfortable with my role there. Post sex I wanted to assume the fetal position and cry instead of high fiving.

So I just took all of those silly emotions and needs and put them away in long term locked storage figuring I didn't need them and could do without them. I think I was wrong. I'm still unclear about my place and role sexaully but I sure could use some hugs, cuddles, and stroking.

[Guest]

Thank you for sharing Diane.

Unfortunately a lot of us have too many of these boxes or genies in the bottle locked away.

I'm happy to hear that you are opening yours.

Huggs and a shoulder for you Girl.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Diane,

I was married and divorced twice.

1 marriage only lasted 1 month.

In both marriages I never enjoyed sex and my ex-wives were always the aggressor.

I didn't feel comfortable with my body.

I was also pushing away intimacy for fear it would lead to sex.

Since my last divorce in 1998, I have NOT been intimate or had any sex with anyone, male or female.

I still do not feel comfortable with my body in regards to sex and do not plan on becoming sexually intimate until after my GRS.

I do not know if this helps you, but you are not alone in your feelings.

I do not believe they are silly emotions if it effects you.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} {{{{{CUDDLES}}}}}{{{{{STROKING}}}}}

Carla

[VickySGV]

That wasn't too nice to go in and snoop at my diary from years ago!!!! (I know you did not but it seems that way.) I do know the sex / intimacy battle all too well in my own life.

[Guest DianeATL]

I really hesitated before hitting the post on this one, I thought maybe too personal or too something for public consumption. I am sorry that others share the feelings but comforted that I am not on an island by myself.

Hugs

Diane

[Charlize]

I have to agree with Vicki. You have been looking in my secret box. All my life i have tried to enjoy sex. self gratification was usually the only relief i found that seemed ok. I just started to open up as well as myself and have been confronting the gender issues. The other i've left behind. At 65 with HRT as assistance thoughts of sex rarely cross my mind. I like it when folks find me attractive but i don't think i will be the aggressor again. I need hugging and to cuddle. The other may come but for now its back in the box but the lid is indeed open. Thank you for bringing this up it reminded me of another part of me that has been gathering dust.

Hugs and a cuddle,

Charlie

[Charlize]

I think that is true of much of what we can share here. Many of these things are highly personal but are some times best shared with others. It helps us to relieve ourselves of the guilt and pain.

Hugs,

Charlie

[gennee]

I learned that when I came out as transgender there was more to me than I realized. I don't know if I had any boxes but feelings I never had before have come out at various times. For the past several weeks I have questioned whether or I I'm bisexual. Never had those thoughts before but discovering that I was a crossdresser then transgender when the same way. I have a policy of being open to new experiences and feelings.

[Guest LizMarie]

Been there, done that. I literally had periods ranging from weeks to months and a couple of times for over a year where I could not be intimate. That was over a 35 year marriage. Once I told her, she said she always suspected something but was afraid to ask. Well, it came out anyway.

You're not alone, Diane. Not alone at all.

[Carolyn Marie]

Ditto head here. I know it was uncomfortable for you to talk about it, Diane. Obviously, many share you feelings as well as your locked box.

((((HUGS))))

Carolyn Marie

[JJ]

Had exactly the same issues actually. It always felt like I was observing though a mirror and I felt that I had somehow missed out on what seems to be such a drive with the rest of the world. In some ways was more reluctant to tell anyone I thought I was asexual than to disclose my trans status.

T forced me to face my feelings and I discovered I am a straight man. All that really works for me in a way. Yet my body does not match. A major conflict between my body and my need to express that part of myself.

So far I have not really fully resolved that dilemma. Eventually I hope I will. But I learned to cope with the situation long ago and at least now I can face and accept the feelings I have. I always knew I just wasn't a lesbian. now that I have internalized a male identity-an ongoing process and much more complex than gender identity alone I believe-then maybe I can also have a relationship and express those feelings eventually.

I find I am attracted to men but it isn't sexual-and attracted to women and it is. Used to think I was asexual actually but I'm not. Just finding that I have some work to do to unlock that box.

Johnny

[Guest LilyRose]

I've had numerous girlfriends all of which, I so desperately wanted to be. I craved to be in their position, especially in the intimate moments. It hurt me so bad when it came down to trying to do anything sex related because I couldn't satisfy them. Before I came out with my feelings, my SO right now would get insanely emotional. She would blame herself for my lack of ability to "get up" so to speak. I love making out with her and feeling her beautiful body, but the only thoughts that raced through my mind is... "I wish I was as soft as her, I wish I was as beautiful as she is, I NEED to have breasts and lower lady parts like hers." So when we tried to use my male parts, I wouldn't be able to do anything at all. I was spinning because I wanted to be a woman, and then I'd remember I was a man and it would kill any sex drive that I had built up. I doubt that I will be able to do anything sexual until HRT and SRS and that's okay with me. I see it this way... once I have the proper body, I will be more than ready to want to use it the way that my mind had always dreamed it could do.

Thank you for sharing, it is a subject that is tough to handle and we all handle it differently. My beautiful box knows what it needs to have for it to open and some day it will. What I find in there may surprise me, but we'll see. I hope that you will find your role soon and keep on searching. As Carla said before, you are not alone. We will be here for you the best we can.

Hugs, cuddles, and strokes bunches!
Lily Rose

[Guest]

Gee, maybe we need a virtual slumber party here. To watch girl movies, spill popcorn all over the floor, talk about our secret stuff and to hug and cuddle looking at our old pictures of our changes. Hmm... I think that is more than Skype offers. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

BTW, that's my stories too. Regular sex is still quite fun, but it seems it would be even more so with someone to share it with. I still have to figure me out first. JA

[Guest frida314]

Cringing, hiding and never understanding intimacy since early teens has last been for a lifetime. Bitter sweetness to know it seems to be common.. It has been such a relief to have opened up with my GT. Good to know that in the past i just handled it as best as I could with the best guesses of what I knew.

[Guest DianeATL]

Every time I read new responses to this thread it makes me tear up. I am glad I started it but sorry so many are with me in this boat. JodyAnn, name the place and the night and I am all about a pajama party to watch movies and spill popcorn with the girls.

I broached this subject with my therapist last week, it was even tougher to talk about than to post about in this forum. She knows someone who runs a cuddle group and is going to see if they would be accepting of having me join. I think that would be awesome if they are trans friendly. Cuddles sound pretty good to me.

Hugs

Diane

[Guest daemonkind]

After graduating high school, I hung out with a lot of lesbians and bisexual women. Most of my friends were/are women. And I too would want to be them during intimacy, they even treated me like a girlfriend as well. at one point i got ostracized by one group and I got involved with the wrong people and they used my vulnerability and i became somewhat brainwashed, and from then on I assumed my male identity.

I think i spent so much time with my girlfriends because I felt that kinship with them, and at the same time I felt left out. It is now that my real self has re-awakened after a long slumber. and I am still struggling with overcoming years of negative input. and joining this community is helping. it's good you are taking the right steps. I have yet to see a therapist, though i have been wanting to for more than a year. i am tired, and before i start rambling, i bid thee adieu