Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Am I Completley Messed Up?


Flint

Recommended Posts

Okay...So...before i came out as male, i was out as a lesbian. but now i realise i'm a gay male in a female body....am i just completley messed up? i dont think i really fancied girls...I think i was saying i was a lesbian as i didn't understand myself. and i knew i wasn't like most girls which now i know is cause i'm not a girl well i always knew that but i went through a phase of denial. i think the lesbian thing was to somehow explain my manly ways. cause icould never explain why i acted like a guy, had no girly things about me, and never relaly looked like a girl. but i was just thinking am i completley messed up to say i'm a lesbian then come out as FTM and then people think i'm this straight man when actually i'm pretty sure i am gay. i dunno how to explain this to friends, they'll doubt me even more. Then people are like "Why be a guy then if you like men?" and ahhh it's like "Cause i am a guy!!" i think i may have spoken about this beofre...But iwas just wondering has anyone else ever had the same kind of expereience? or am i just a completley messed up thing?

Link to comment
Okay...So...before i came out as male, i was out as a lesbian. but now i realise i'm a gay male in a female body....am i just completley messed up? i dont think i really fancied girls...I think i was saying i was a lesbian as i didn't understand myself. and i knew i wasn't like most girls which now i know is cause i'm not a girl well i always knew that but i went through a phase of denial. i think the lesbian thing was to somehow explain my manly ways. cause icould never explain why i acted like a guy, had no girly things about me, and never relaly looked like a girl. but i was just thinking am i completley messed up to say i'm a lesbian then come out as FTM and then people think i'm this straight man when actually i'm pretty sure i am gay. i dunno how to explain this to friends, they'll doubt me even more. Then people are like "Why be a guy then if you like men?" and ahhh it's like "Cause i am a guy!!" i think i may have spoken about this beofre...But iwas just wondering has anyone else ever had the same kind of expereience? or am i just a completley messed up thing?

Hey dude, identifying as something is a strangething cause it all comes down to these little conclusions you come to within yourself. I know as a gay transguy youll get the 'why dont you be a girl then' as well as others get 'why dont you just be gay' there are loads of bi/gay transguys. i myself am bi although more favoured to females but never identified as lesbian. I dont see why it would make them doubt you though i see why you think it will be hard to explain. so youre gay.. dude we break stereotypes and gender rules already - so why not break more and not be a masculine girls girls girls type guy- being gay with it isnt so bad

just go with it and if you need anything uh hit me up, im always up for a chat

- nick

Link to comment

I'm fine with being gay, although i'd prefter not to be if i'm honest. but i am...and tehre is nothing i can do about it. :rolleyes: I guess i am what i am. i'm rambling on and probably not making any sense i iant slept in hours. which is unsual for me. it jst sem slike a whole load more explaining to friends to do i'm getting tired of explaining. Alot of my friends dont mean to, but they use sterotypes alot. and if a man is gay to them it's like it pretty much makes them almost one of the gilrs but not quite....Cause to them if your a gay man you must like pink and be all camp. Whic i cna honestly say i completley, like absaloutley smash that stereotype to peaces. as i'm nothing like that. yea i'm rambling. Gonna go sleep i'll probs wonder what i was doing when posting this when i wake up....but oh well.... :rolleyes:

Link to comment

Hi Matty:

Those are two separate questions there, gender identity and sexual orientation.

From a logical point of view it would seem if you're interested in guys, it would be best to be a girl and vice versa.

But life isn't that logical.

Step 1: Determine what gender you want to be.

Step 2: Determine how you feel romantically and sexually about men.

Step 3: Determine how you feel romantically and sexually about women.

I guess the way I'm going, I'm a lesbian. That sounds pretty strange to my ears. Still, there's no use in getting bent out of shape on labels. Do what will make you happy.

Z.

Link to comment
Guest matthew41

Hey Matty,

As Z said, "Those are two separate questions there, gender identity and sexual orientation", and is right on about the order of things. I understand your confusion. I have been a member of a local support group for 4 years. I have seen time and again friends of mine first become confident with their new gender identity. Then realize, with a new perspective of self analysis, that their sexual orientation was different from what they had believed before coming out. So you are not alone in this by a long shot. As to my FTM friends, about half lived as lesbians at some point, a quarter got married and had kids, and the other quarter didn't date at all. After they started to understand themselves, their orientations are about a third of each orientation, gay, bi and straight.

Matt

Link to comment

Yeah I thought you must be a little half asleep if you were up as late as I am ( i think its a UK thing.. but most of the time i do it cause the americans are like 5 hrs + behind) I agree with the fact you should smash that stereotype.. thats what they are there for. Hell I know i'll never be a masculine builder type guy no matter how much weights i do :P i've dealt with the fact i'll probably be a pretty boy forever but thats just me. I love the fact that i'd still wear eyeliner and black nail varnish and that i still want to be Brian Molko, id rather be an androgynous guy than an androgynous girl and the former is how i identify. I can see why you'd rather not be gay if you can help it though, however like everything that comes with this we often have no choice. You're friends unfortunately do seem to see in stereotypes but that seems to be a media enforced thing that people end up coming to these conclusions which they necessarily wouldnt otherwise. Gay guys become 'one of the girls gay girls become 'one of the guys' but thats just in the stereotypical 'i love pink too giggle' and ' rr so how about those beers eh, burp'

and im rambling took

i lost my point somewhere but i think it was something about stereotypes.. i should wake up properly before i post :P

- Nick

Link to comment
  • Admin

Well what can I say Matty... 'snap' ! Long history of denial with me, which is too boring to go into, even for me. Thought I was the only one in the world, etc etc etc... Google taught me different. As for my friends, they just think I'm just a little bit more nuts than they did already. None of them seems to get the whole 'gender identity not being related to sexuality thing', I will carry on explaining until I'm blue in the face. Not pink! Not much campness here, though I am sitting here listening to ABBA... hmmm. :blink:

Link to comment
Guest mr_marc

Nah yeh not messed up, some times your sexuality changes when your trans.

Tis a known fact=-]

I mean before i came out as male, i was a a small levee. Now im a pansexual male.

I wouldnt of ever dreamed of being like this when i was a small levee cause i thought it was gross XD

But im fairly macho i like to think but slightly faggy at the same time=-]

And this is a guy who has a girlfriend so XD

Link to comment

I keep feeling guilty for fancying men. I dont know why......I....it dont make sense....i mean i am one of the most accpeting people when it comes to gay people. so why can#t i accept myself?? :(

Link to comment
  • Admin

I don't know what to say to you. It has taken almost all my life to accept myself. Explaining it to myself, explaining it to friends... Another FTM and I were wondering: considering the way we feel about our bodies as they were born, how can we like the same bodies of others? why isn't everybody FTM , MTF gay? Did that make sense... not sure... anyway I feel less ridiculous nowadays, that's what years can do - also finding I'm not the only one in the world. I feel guilt - same way you do and I have no idea why. Maybe we need more confidence. We like what we like, can't help that.

Link to comment

Hi Matt and all:

I don't get it. As FTM's you were all raised to like men. So you like men. Big deal.

As transsexuals, all of us at some point will technically be "homosexual".

That is unless you get hit by a thunderbolt and instantly change both gender and sexual orientation.

That doesn't mean you have to subscribe to some cheap stereotype of what a gay or lesbian is.

We're already different, you don't have to "buy into" some standard model.

For me, I don't like anything about men's bodies, I don't want one, I don't want a lover to have one.

And if five years from now, I decide I like men instead, big deal.

Z.

Link to comment

Maybe your not gay, maybe you just like people?

I know a fair few people like that=-]

And yeh takin' it how a lad would so yeh will struggle. I did abit but thought it wasnt the worst thing in the world XD

Link to comment
  • Admin

''I don't get it. As FTM's you were all raised to like men. So you like men. Big deal.'' - quote Zufreiden

(Cue the music from Soap) Confused? you will be....

Raised to like men - yes, but tried to like women thinking that was the right thing to do as I never considered myself female. Found out I didn't want to touch (if you catch my drift) anyone female, or let myself be touched, thought things would change after treatment etc.... fell heavily in love with Mr Wrong, thought it must mean I am meant to be stuck in this body after all... blah blah blah, rejection, breakdown, denial, all the fun and games.

Also a family that likes to loudly debate politics and religion, nothing and no-one not plain vanilla gets through unscathed. Religious sister who dropped all her gay friends from university when she found God. Mum is more gay friendly these days though, hilariously because she read a Cary Grant biography. She still thinks if he had only found the right woman...

Remember when Madonna said in an interview a few years ago she was a gay man in a woman's body, how hysterically ridiculous everyone thought that was? Very funny Madge, how do you dream them up. Of course in case she really is, I apologise. No way do I want to argue with Madonna!

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Madonna-I-m...ody-12225.shtml

Stop me I'm rambling again, sorry. So what's the guilt about? probably from what I was taught as a child, the Bible, Lot's wife and warnings of hell, snide remarks about certain people on TV.

Link to comment

Hey Matty, it’s really interesting, because the situation you have described is almost identical to mine. I spent many years trying to pass off my masculine appearance by telling people I was a lesbian. I’ve never had any relationship. But when I came to university I made many friends, and most of them were male. When they would talk about women, I would join in with them, and even make up stories about being with women. They accepted me as one of the guys. I told my friends about being FTM, and gay at the same time.

I don’t think all of my friends can completely understand this situation, but they are all wonderfully supportive and accepting of it.

It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. If your friends are really true friends they should love you and accept you know matter what your gender, or your sexuality weather they can understand it or not.

I used to worry, and experience thoughts just like yours all of the time. One day I just decided that I didn’t want to waste my life worrying about it anymore. It took me a long time to get here, but now I really don’t care what anyone thinks. I know I’m a decent and good person. This is more important than my sexuality or my gender. If anybody doesn’t like me because of these things then there is something wrong with them.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 97 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Wasylyna
    • Jordyn1215225
    • MaeBe
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,941
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Miss Cormac
    Newest Member
    Miss Cormac
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
    • Willow
      Both of my parents were from the “North Shore” of Boston.  My mother Lynn and my father Swampscot.  They had an early 1900s Scots-Irish New England diet.  My sister and I were born in the 40s in Ohio well away from New England seafood and in an area where food was more German and Polish.  My first experience with liver and onions was during basic training.  They ate salt cod but never forced us to eat it same with oysters.  My dad ate oysters but my mother wouldn’t.  Anyone who ever ate an oyster can figure that one out.  I grew up eating lamb.  My wife won’t touch it. I love brazed ox tail, again no way. And the list goes on.  
    • KathyLauren
      My mother was German, so yes, I think it was a cultural thing.  If I'd known you when we were cleaning out my mother's place, I could have sent you her "threat jar". 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Been taking it real easy.Another good neighbor of mine and his 15 year old son came over and cut down a couple dead trees on my property.Knew not to do it taking it easy.I had them put the wood near my fire pit in the back yard.Did it and happy where they put it.They knew I had stents put in and needed to take it easy
    • Ashley0616
      Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 
    • Ivy
      I don't understand why this would make a difference being a "dad" I mean, as far as how they would grow.
    • Ashley0616
      I don't see why not. I have worn forms since I came out. 
    • MaeBe
      I have never worn breastforms, but I assume as long as they don't aggravate your nipples you could.
    • MaeBe
      Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.   Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.   Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁
    • Ashley0616
      To me there isn't that much difference other the measurement, which side the zipper is on and men's pants have bigger pockets. 
    • missyjo
      I hope this is not stupid question..I have yet to start n not sure if doc will approve..but once you start growing buds n such, can you still wear forms to get to the size you were?   I'm a dad, so when I start blossoms they will be smaller for a long time n probably need surgical augmented..that's fine. I don't want to go ddd to aa to ddd..   any ideas?   thank you
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...