Toss It Aside

[Guest Greg_THX1138]

(testing the waters with one more... )

Toss It Aside

I want to be buried in an unmarked grave,
Or cremated and tossed aside.
I've lived this life as the woman I'm not,
I don't want to be buried the same.

When I pass, I will be free,
To be the man I am.
Let me leave no ties to the woman most knew,
Just memories by those that loved me.

The body I had, was not who I was,
So let it be forgotten by all.
The name that I had, I hated so much,
Let it be stricken away.

Don't let my corpse burdon anyone,
I have never truly been here anyway
So forget the shell I leave behind
And let me be free to be me.

------------

From my youth I did not want to die in a woman's body with a woman's name.

I wished to some day fix this birth defect to the best of my ability. However, sometimes things just do not work out for a person. Because of this I am going to die a woman with a woman's name.

The few who "see" the real me, the man I am, have no need of this body or a headstone with a woman's name because, after death as it has been in life, these things are lies.

[Charlize]

Time will allow that gift of being yourself. It takes some of us more time than others but i found that even in my 60's i could finally be embraced as the person i have know is me. We are here and understand.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Greg,

I am a MTF.

I can relate to this well.

When I was hospitalized, I told the staff that when I die, I want to die as a woman.

I was not Suicidal, it was only expressing my feelings.

Give yourself time.

These sites might be helpful to you. I HOPE so.

University of Michigan Health System http://www.uofmhealth.org/medical-services/transgender-services

The UMHS Comprehensive Gender Services Program (UMHS-CGSP) offers a range of specialty services to transitioning people

FtM Mentors http://www.ftmmentors.org/main/

(FtM Mentors was created with this purpose in mind. Nothing else - just a place to find a local FtM friend to either mentor (be a big brother to) or to find an FtM turn to for support.

Also,

The Transitional Male

http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/#startme2

I hope that I have been of some help to you.

Hopefully, you will realize that to CAN reach your Dream.

There IS help available for you, and it is NOT impossible for you to reach this goal in life.

I wish you Success and Happiness on your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest LilyRose]

Greg,

If you read my poem "And Yet, I Rise" you will see that I too know the need to disappear. I wanted to die, not only to be not remembered, but to die somewhere where no one can find me. I didn't want anyone to find me so they could just label me as missing and that would be the end of it. I was able to overcome those feelings once I came out. I hope to be able to live a long life and when I die, I am the strong beautiful woman I know I am. Not the shy, repulsive boy that I was. You too need some time to be able to explore your manhood and be able to find people to see the man within you. Your name is not who you are, just remember that. You will be Greg to me, even if your grave says otherwise. I am glad that you have joined Laura's, because you'll be accepted here.

Also, I would definitely read up on the resources that Carla has provided to you. She's very good at finding things that are very beneficial and she would be glad to find out more for you if need them. I'm sure of it!

Best wishes,
Lily

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Greg,

<<< hug >>>

Try and not dwell too much on death

Instead live your life as your heart tell you too

Remember that life is not in the past or the future

It is the here and now

For now you are seen as the man you are

vanna

PS nice poetry

[Guest Greg_THX1138]

I am only including the bits I am spefically replying to because this post would be a bit too long if I quoted all of the posts in their entirety. Please know that I mean no disrespect, just want to have this post of a manageable size. I also thank everyone for their supportive posts.

Time will allow that gift of being yourself. It takes some of us more time than others but i found that even in my 60's i could finally be embraced as the person i have know is me. We are here and understand.

I know who I am and what I am inside... and what I should be outside. I also know that, unless I woke up with a new heart, making my outside match my inside is medically impossible.

These sites might be helpful to you. I HOPE so.

University of Michigan Health System http://www.uofmhealth.org/medical-services/transgender-services

The UMHS Comprehensive Gender Services Program (UMHS-CGSP) offers a range of specialty services to transitioning people

FtM Mentors http://www.ftmmentors.org/main/

(FtM Mentors was created with this purpose in mind. Nothing else - just a place to find a local FtM friend to either mentor (be a big brother to) or to find an FtM turn to for support.

Also,

The Transitional Male

http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/#startme2

Please I ask anyone reading my material to realize that I have the hand I am dealt. Even if medical transition was handed to me on a silver platter, my heart would have to miraculously be able to handle surgeries and T.

I am trying to find a way to survive as I am now. I do not have the option to medically transition and, as I described in my opening post, my female characteristics are exaggerated... passing is not an option. So, I have to find a way to make it with what I have right now.

I will definitely call the number for mentors, though. If one of them can keep me from going stark ravers I will be quite happy about this.

Greg,

If you read my poem "And Yet, I Rise" you will see that I too know the need to disappear. I wanted to die, not only to be not remembered, but to die somewhere where no one can find me. I didn't want anyone to find me so they could just label me as missing and that would be the end of it. I was able to overcome those feelings once I came out. I hope to be able to live a long life and when I die, I am the strong beautiful woman I know I am. Not the shy, repulsive boy that I was. You too need some time to be able to explore your manhood and be able to find people to see the man within you. Your name is not who you are, just remember that. You will be Greg to me, even if your grave says otherwise. I am glad that you have joined Laura's, because you'll be accepted here.

I am going to risk being impolite and ask you a couple of questions so I can understand from what place your poem came (very nice, by the way). That way I can format it within my mind to consider it properly. Please accept my apologies in advance if the questions are not appropriate. Have you been able to transition and/or pass? If so, during the period you describe in your poem, did you have the expectations of transitioning and/or passing in your future?

---------------

miss kindheart (I somehow erased the quote)

Instead live your life as your heart tell you too

Remember that life is not in the past or the future

It is the here and now

For now you are seen as the man you are

-------------------------

Thank you very much. I am seen as the man I am online and within my apartment, unless I have to answer the door or the phone. My s/o does that for me as much as possible.

My heart, at this point, tells me to live because of my s/o. Every other part of my heart and mind tells me to end it. I am here to try to find a way to live as I am, rather than exist as I am now... there is a difference. Please see what I said to Carla up above.

[Guest LilyRose]

Greg,

If you read my poem "And Yet, I Rise" you will see that I too know the need to disappear. I wanted to die, not only to be not remembered, but to die somewhere where no one can find me. I didn't want anyone to find me so they could just label me as missing and that would be the end of it. I was able to overcome those feelings once I came out. I hope to be able to live a long life and when I die, I am the strong beautiful woman I know I am. Not the shy, repulsive boy that I was. You too need some time to be able to explore your manhood and be able to find people to see the man within you. Your name is not who you are, just remember that. You will be Greg to me, even if your grave says otherwise. I am glad that you have joined Laura's, because you'll be accepted here.

I am going to risk being impolite and ask you a couple of questions so I can understand from what place your poem came (very nice, by the way). That way I can format it within my mind to consider it properly. Please accept my apologies in advance if the questions are not appropriate. Have you been able to transition and/or pass? If so, during the period you describe in your poem, did you have the expectations of transitioning and/or passing in your future?

---

Thank you very much. I am seen as the man I am online and within my apartment, unless I have to answer the door or the phone. My s/o does that for me as much as possible.

My heart, at this point, tells me to live because of my s/o. Every other part of my heart and mind tells me to end it. I am here to try to find a way to live as I am, rather than exist as I am now... there is a difference. Please see what I said to Carla up above.

Greg,

Your SO is a very lucky person to have a man like you. Just throwing that out there. You might have to appear as a woman but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Don't let your outside appearance dictate your true self. I have that problem now as well, but I am feeling more and more like a woman everyday.

To answer your question, I am pre-everything in terms of transitioning and passing. I have been seeing a therapist who just referred me to a gender therapist this past week and officially diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria. The gender therapist will be able to get me started on the hormones and everything else I need. I must say that I do NOT pass at all. I have bushy eyebrows and I get scruff grows back after 8 hours from shaving. I am starting to finally have a round face but that's because I gained weight. I don't sound like a woman and I don't look like one.. BUT that doesn't make me any less of a woman. At the time of writing that poem, I knew that transitioning was in my future. "Passing" is great and all, but it's not my concern right now. My biggest concern is growing and loving myself as the woman I know I am. Transitioning is much more than looking like your the gender of your choosing, but feeling comfortable with yourself in your gender of choice. That's my advice to you as you work hard to accept yourself for the man you truly are.